In the little bundle prepared for her passing, there were letters from her daughter. Hattie pulled them out and tucked them under the pillow of the departed. Let her take them to the grave, and her terrible shame
From the Unvarnished Truth. A Dreadful Shame.
Elsie had believed in dreams since she was young. Somehow, it just happened that way. Sometimes, one of the girls in the village would share a dream, and shed think about it then explain what it meant. She was rarely wrong. And her own dreams? She always untangled them for herself. She even flew in them! Really flewrising above the rooftops and soaring until it took her breath away. One dream came back to her over and again. White horses with dappled grey coats, harnessed to a sleigh, and insideher and Alfred, holding the reins. The horses would speed up so fast theyd shoot straight into the sky! It left them both breathless. Theyd drop the reins and huddle together in the sleigh flying That dream returned often, back when Alfred was still alive. After he was gone, she still flew with the horses, but hed only stand beside her, never taking the reins just smiling She loved those nighttime flights, even though she knew dreaming of horses meant illnessor worse, death. Shed wake from them gaspingsometimes from high blood pressure, sometimes her heart pounding
That night, they stood together in the sleigh again. But no one was steering the flight. The reins were gone. The horses climbed higher and higher, right up to the clouds. On one sat a little angel with tiny wings, smiling down at them. Lilibet! My Lilibet! Elsie cried out so loudly in the dream that she startled herself awake
Its time Time for me to go, she murmured quietly. No sorrow. No despair.
Shed always kept a tidy home, so she swept the floors one last time and shook out the handmade rugs. Then she took out the bundlethe one shed long saved for the endand laid everything out neatly, even writing notes about what went where. Because without her, no one would know. Strangers would rummage through her things Though Hattie would come. Who else? She was the only one left who visited nowher closest friend, like a sister. Most of her old mates were gone, and the others couldnt make the triptheir legs were too weak. But Hattie still had energy. Shed come running
Elsie took out an old school notebook and a pen and began to write.
Forgive me, Hattie. Youre the dearest to me. Weve lived like sisters all these years Dont tell a soul, I beg youmy terrible shame. It wont hurt me anymore when people talk, but still, I ask For years, I lied to everyoneeven you, my sistersaying I had a devoted daughter, that she didnt visit because she was ill The truth is, I dont know where she is. I think shes alive, but she left me long ago. And to spare myself the shame, I spun taleseven to you Dont wait for my daughter. Dont search for her Bury me beside Alfred, in the spot I saved. The cottage and everything in it is yours. Maybe your children can use some of it. I failed to raise my girl right The shame of it weighs on me. Let it go to the grave with me Please, dear sister
Elsie stoked the stove and the fireplace, closed the flue, and lay down to sleep
Hattie had noticed the night before that her friends lights were offbut how could she have guessed?
Did she leave any note? asked the constable whod come to record the death of the lonely woman.
No nothing The loneliness just got to her, thats all Hattie said, fingers crumpling the farewell letter in her pocket.
* * *
Her Lilibet had grown up beautiful and clever. Her only, her beloved. Alfred, a married farm manager, had fallen for a simple farmhand. By the laws of those times, he shouldve been sacked, expelled from the partybut somehow, he got off with just a warning and then it was forgotten. He and his wife had no children, and here was this farm girl bearing his child out of wedlock! Some said the head of the cooperative had his own secrets, so he pushed the divorce through fast and made sure Alfred married Elsie. No need for bastard children here, hed thundered. His ex-wife moved to the city and found herself a town man, while Elsie and Alfred lived in harmony, raising their girl though not for long, and not happily.
Horsesjust like the ones in her dreams, but realbrought the tragedy. Alfred was riding his bicycle home late from the harvest when a spooked team of horses bolted into him in the dark. The driver was drunk and never saw him. If only someone had found him sooner! Elsie waited all night, eyes open. They found him at dawn already gone. He couldve lived, if only someone had seen him. Thats fate, I suppose
There were suitors later But Elsie paid them no mind. She lived only for her daughter. And the girl was her joytop of her class, singing and dancing in competitions, even winning at the county level! Shes got real talent! they all said. And luck! Got into the London School of Arts on her first try!
Elsie couldnt have been prouder. Shed visit Lilibet in the city, bringing food, just to see her. The first year, the girl was delightedshed even come home at the slightest excuse. But over time, she drifted. Grew sharp with her mother. Nothing was ever right. Elsie arrived once, twiceno sign of Lilibet at the dorm. They said shed found some foreign sweetheart. Soon, she was expelled. Old classmates whispered that the foreigner had got her hooked on drugs. Back then, the village didnt even know such evil existed. The shame of it! A year after they last saw each other, Lilibet wrote: Forget me. Dont look for me. I have my own life.
Elsie would be out in the beet fields, the rows stretching for miles, and shed wish they were longerso she wouldnt have to straighten up, so no one would see her face. Just the tears falling onto the beets
Then one day, before Harvest Festival, she gathered her courage and told the women in the fields that her Lilibet had married. The week before, shed gone to London, and now she confessed: I was at my daughters wedding! Didnt say a worddidnt want to jinx it! Shes found a serious mana big boss. Travels all over for work. I wont see much of her now. But Ill treat you all to a round!
And she did! As was tradition, the women all chipped in, but Elsie went overboard. Brought back tinned fish, fancy sausagesthings her friends had never tasted. Said her son-in-law had sent them. Of course, the news spread through the village fast. Every so often, Elsie would visit the capital. In truth, she wandered the streets, hoping to glimpse her daughter among the crowds
As she aged, the trips grew rarer. The daughter wrote letters. Elsie would go all the way to the county town to collect them, just to make sure they didnt get lost
Sit down, Hattielet me read you Lilibets latest, shed say, glowing. Shed love to visit, poor thing, but shes ill Shame theyve no children. But her husband spoils her. Hes generoussends me parcels too. Off to town next week to fetch the next one!
And shed pull out treats from the fridgethings Hattie had never seenand the old woman would marvel, then sit outside the shop later, telling everyone what Elsie had shared
I ate real ham! Melts in your mouth! And yogurtever tried it? Elsie gave me some! And she always has bananas! The others would gape in awe.
Every year, the village read with envy the birthday greetings to Elsie in the county papersuch lovely words from her daughter! What a good girl!
In time, no one even wondered if the daughter was real. The woman grew old alone, never speaking the truth
* * *
Hattie read the farewell letter again and again Lord above, she scolded herself silently. I ate those treats and never once guessed Elsie bought them with her pensionjust to fool me, so Id believe her tales If only shed told me the truth! It mightve eased her heart Id never have let her carry this alone
Well bury her without her daughter, she told the mourners filing into the house. The girls too illcant even climb down from her
