Whats with you and that Emily? Why do you even need a wife like that? She had the baby, got soft around the edges, now she waddles about like a weather balloon. You think shell slim down? Sure, keep waitingitll only get worse.
But shes calm, and I actually like the way shes filled out. She used to be as thin as a twignow shes got curves!
I said that about my wife and couldnt help smiling, but my best mate, Harold, clapped a hand on my shoulder.
Hold back, alright? Who cares what you fancy. Youll turn up with her at the New Years office party in London and youll be mortified to look your mates in the eye. Youre a tall, broad, handsome bloke. A womans prime is short, but us men? Were eligible bachelors at any age!
I just shook my head. Still, the thought crept in that maybe Id been stuck in this marriage far too long. Once Id been a proper womanizeruntil Emily changed me. Calm, beautiful, kind, caring. And she cooks so well you cant pull yourself away from the plate. Id put on about ten kilos since we married, and wed just welcomed a baby.
Youve got to swap a wife out regularly, like old tyres! Harold roared with laughter. I divorced mine and now Im out with Laura. Young, fit. And if anything goes wrong, Ill trade her in for someone else!
After that chat, Harolds words kept circling in my head. Hed wound me up, and I suddenly started taking his ideas as my own. Maybe I really had lingered in this marriage?
Emily, youve, uh, put on
I barely finished when she, clutching our justasleep infant to her chest, widened her eyes.
And what of it? God, Ive gained five kilosis that a tragedy? Im the one looking after the baby, sleepdeprived, working from home. The whole household falls on me: the baby, the work, the bills, the utilities, the groceries, the cooking! And youre going to nag me about five measly kilos?!
It hit her like a burst pipe. She wanted to burst into tears from the hurt that I didnt value any of it. And if she left, Id be alone with all these problems, drowning in them.
Why do you keep harping on those kilos? I brought a whole human into the world, and youre fixated on weight!
Emily sniffed and headed to the nursery with the baby. I stayed sitting in the chair. If I had another wife, maybe she wouldnt be yelling.
Day after day, Harolds ideas sank deeper. The more I thought about it, the more I believed he was right. I wouldnt abandon my childId helpbut having a fallback never hurt.
Look how Lucy from the second department looks at you! She devours you with her eyes! Shes single, I checked. Beautiful, athletic. Just look at hershe belongs in a painting! Next to her, your Emily doesnt even compare! Harold said, strolling over to the table.
Sure enough, Lucy was by the water cooler, a pretty young woman who glanced over at her colleague now and then. I hadnt seen that fire in her eyes Harold talked about, but hed been around the block longer, so I listened.
Youll come home and a woman like that will be waiting! Imagineheels, lingerie, everything to make a man happy! And yours? Probably in a robe with baby spitup stains! Youre getting oldersoon itll be harder to find a girl.
Harold patted my shoulder, then slipped back to his department, tossing a couple of crude jokes at Lucy. I felt a pang of envy toward my mate. He could always strike up a conversation with any woman and the next day brag about a new number or a night out.
I went to see my mother and tried to explain how my wife, sort ofsince I hadnt decidedno longer suited me. But Lillian, whod always been on my side, didnt back me this time.
You little wretch, your wife gave you a child, she works, runs the whole house, shes a beautyand you turn up your nose?! You men are all the same, Frank. You dont know how to value what you havealways eyeing the woods like wolves. Then you end up old and alone, howling at the moon!
Her words flew right past my ears. I kept stealing glances at Lucy at work, catching her looks, thinking maybe Harold was right. Time marches onyoud never get someone that young later, you didnt need a fortuneteller to see it. One day I came home so wound up that I could think of nothing but Harolds words.
I sat across from Emily, who was rocking the baby after yet another sleepless night. Dark circles under her eyes, her skin not the same as before. She didnt have the athletic shape she once had. I understood I loved her, but it terrified me to realise I might be missing all my male chances.
You know, Emily, I think we should part. Youve changed since giving birth. Ive realised a lot, and maybe it really is time.
There was nothing concrete in my words. I stammered, trying to find gentler phrasing, feeling like a foolas if Id fallen for a con and now shyly averted my eyes whenever anyone asked about it.
At first Emily didnt answer. She just looked into my eyes, and in hers there was only wearinessno anger or disappointment. She laid the baby in the bassinet, packed two suitcases, took the child, and walked down the hall. She hadnt said anything until then, but now she was clearly leaving.
I wanted to shout, to stop her, to fall to my knees and apologise. But the moment I imagined humiliating myself in front of Harold by retelling it all, those urges let me go.
You know what, Frank Maybe you should live on your own for a whilewithout me, without your son. When you had that accident and were bedridden, I nursed you for a year. I worked at the same time, emptied your bedpans, made you do your exercises, found the best doctors, took out loans and paid them off. I didnt say a word thendidnt hint at divorce or at our relationship being not quite right. And you threw me out with a baby in my arms over five miserable kilos.
Emily turned and left, not waiting for realisation to dawn on my baffled face. I stood in the doorway, listening to her footsteps fade, and felt nothing but a crushing sense of having made an irreversible mistake.
The next day I went to work with no mood for anything. Everything slipped from my hands. Harold hopped around me, congratulating me, grabbing my arm like boys do on the playground.
Well, thats thatgo start hitting on Lucy. What a stunnerotherwise Ill steal her from you.
Harold laughed, but I wasnt amused. I looked up, and Simon seemed to get it.
Heres what Ill tell you, Simon. I was an idiot to believe you. I had a wife any man would die of envy over! I have a son, a good family! I dont need your young chicks!
Youre talking like a henpecked husband, not a man!
And a man, in your book, is someone who dumps his wife and his own child? Or a man who cant keep it in his pants and jumps from girl to girl? Or is a man, to you, someone who cant be faithful to one woman and bolts like a stray dog the second a skirt swishes by?
Harold took offence at the way I dismissed his adviceand at the sore spot those words hit. We had a blazing row. I decided that if nothing changed, I wouldnt be friends with Harold any more. With a best friend like that, you dont need enemies.
That very day I went to Emily with a huge bouquet of roses. I got down on my knees and begged forgiveness, honestly admitting Id fallen for my mates tall tales. I blamed only myself and pleaded for pardon. Emily forgave me; we moved back into our flat and began living in harmony. It even seemed to me that I loved her more than ever. I no longer saw her as something that simply came with the package.
To me, Emily was the most beautiful, the very best. To hell with the kilos, with the tired look. I started helping her actively, taking on more responsibility with the baby. Id sit with the child, get up at night, put him to sleep. I took over the laundry and the cooking when needed. Meanwhile Emily began to blossomshe even signed up for the gym.
Little by little, in tiny steps, our relationship found its old rhythm again. I promised myself I would never do anything like that again. For me, the whole situation became an important lesson: you must always use your own head.
