Why are you up so early? he asked, bewildered, his voice wavering.
I slipped the key into the front door of my flat, stepped inside and flicked on the hallway light. The first thing that caught my eye were a pair of red womens shoes standing by the door. I recognised them instantly; they were the shoes of my friend Alison.
That morning at the office I began to feel faint. A sudden wave of nausea and a dizzy spell hit me. I had been feeling a little off for a couple of days, but I had brushed it aside. Now the sickness was real.
Whats wrong? asked my deskmate, Ethel, turning to me with concern.
I dont know, I just feel sick and lightheaded, I replied, loosening the collar of my blouse and wiping the sweat from my forehead.
Could you be expecting? Ethel said with a teasing smile.
No, thats ridiculous! I waved her off. Its probably something I ate that wasnt fresh.
What could you have eaten that wasnt fresh when youre a staunch healthnut? Ethel giggled.
I paused, wondering if perhaps I really was pregnant. No, it couldt be or could it?
Listen, Ethel, I think I should get tested, just in case, I said. Ill pop over to the chemist.
I rose from my chair, left the office and hurried towards the exit. Ten minutes later I found myself in the office loo, staring at two lines on a pregnancy test.
I was pregnant.
I didnt know whether to rejoice or mourn. Andrew and I werent ready for children. Yet here it was, as if fate had slipped it into our laps. My thoughts tangled. I realised I wouldnt be able to work properly that day, so I went to my boss, Mrs. Irene Whitfield, to ask for the morning off.
She smiled gently when she heard the reason.
Of course, Marilyn, go home, rest and collect yourself. Ill see you tomorrow.
Home didnt feel like a destination; it felt like a race. Andrew had the day off, and the surprise of walking through our front door with this news thrilled me.
I turned the key, entered, and switched on the hall light once more. The red shoes were still there, unmistakably Alisons.
What on earth is Alison doing here at this hour? I thought, stepping into the sitting room.
The room was empty, but voices drifted from the bedroom. Growing uneasy, I hurried toward the sound, flung the door open, and froze on the threshold.
Andrew and Alison were deep in conversation, animated as ever.
Marilyn? Andrew stammered, his face paling. Why are you up so early?
Alison said nothing, only clutching a blanket and blinking in startled surprise.
What followed is a blur. I remember screaming, flinging things, demanding they leave the flat, then collapsing onto the bed and sobbing uncontrollably for a long while. Eventually I sat on the floor, staring into nothingness. When I finally gathered myself, night had already fallen and the flat was silent.
Five days later I walked into a private clinic to arrange an abortion. In those days I had made up my mind. Andrew had only come home once since, to collect his things and tell me we were to part ways. It turned out he and Alison had been seeing each other for six months, a secret romance.
I didnt tell Andrew about my pregnancy. I had realised he was intent on a divorce and I could not keep a child in a marriage that had already crumbled. I also knew I could not raise a child alone; my parents lived in Sheffield and my wages would not even cover a nanny.
Recalling the weeks whirlwind, I reached the clinic, sat in the waiting chair, and waited. A few minutes later a patient left and a doctor called from behind the door:
Come in!
I entered. The doctor glanced up from his papers.
Anton? I gasped, halflaughing. Is that really you?
Anton had been my schoolmate and first love. Back in Year 11 I had been secretly infatuated with him, never daring to reveal my feelings. At the graduation ball he asked me for a dance and, at the end, shyly kissed me on the cheek. My heart fluttered, but I was so embarrassed I didnt let him escort me home, a regret that lingered for years. After the ceremony Anton left for university in Newcastle to study medicine, and we never met again, though I thought of him often.
Now, here he sat, grown, still handsome as ever.
Marilyn! What a coincidence! he exclaimed, clearly delighted. He stood, crossed the room and pulled me into a hug. The sudden reunion made me forget my troubles for a moment.
We talked for ten minutes, catching up like old classmates, when Anton snapped back to business.
Right, what brings you in? Youre here for an appointment, after all.
His words snapped me back to reality, and my face fell. I took a deep breath and told him everything: my husbands betrayal, Alisons deception, the unexpected pregnancy.
And youve decided to get rid of the baby? he asked, his eyes earnest.
Yes, I said firmly.
After the examination, Anton suggested:
Marilyn, why dont we go for tea this evening? We can talk, and you dont have to make such a weighty decision alone.
I agreed. I wanted to hear more about his life and feel a little companionship.
That night we sat in a tiny café, recalling school days, laughing, sharing stories. For the first time in a week I felt genuinely at ease. When Anton steered the conversation toward my pregnancy, he tried to persuade me to keep the child, arguing that the baby was innocent of any of the betrayals.
Do you have children yourself? I interrupted. Are you married?
I was but I cant have children. My wife left when she found out. he said softly, eyes dropping.
A heavy pause settled. When he looked up again, tears glistened on my cheeks.
You know, I whispered, I want this child deep down, but Im terrified I wont manage.
Youll manage, Im sure of it. And if it gets hard, Ill be there for you, he said, smiling and gently rubbing my hand.
He even offered to be my personal doctor throughout the pregnancy.
For the first time in days I slept soundly, as if a stone had lifted from my heart.
If only Id been bolder at that graduation, perhaps wed be together now, I thought as I drifted off.
The next evening a knock sounded at my flat. I opened the door, stunned to see Anton standing there with a bag of fresh fruit.
Came to visit my patient, he said, a little shy. May I come in?
How did you find my address? I asked, bewildered.
Its on your medical record, of course! he laughed.
Then come in, I replied, smiling.
We sat at the kitchen table, sipping tea.
You know, Marilyn, Anton began, I was in love with you back at school but never confessed. At the prom, after our dance, I thought I had a chance, but you ran away.
If only youd known how much I scolded myself afterwards! I replied, heat rising in my cheeks. I loved you too, but I was too shy. I often thought of you, regretting that you left for Newcastle.
He fell silent for a moment, then looked me straight in the eye.
Marilyn, perhaps nothing is lost yet. Maybe fate is giving us a second chance?
But Im pregnant with another mans child, I said, startled. Why would you want a child that isnt yours?
So what? Ill never have my own kids, but Id love to be a father, even if not biologically, he replied warmly.
Im willing, I whispered, feeling the old schoolgirl flutter in my chest once more.
He leaned in, embraced me, and kissed me. I clung to him, tears streaming down my face, but this time they were tears of joy.
