I turned away my mothers request to move into my flat and felt the weight of guilt settle like a stone.
You cant refuse your own mother! my mum declared, her voice firm as a churchbell. I only need a week while we finish the renovations. What, youre selfish about a few square metres?
Shed called three times that morning, each ring pressing harder.
Mum, were already packed tight, I tried again, my words tumbling like a tin of sardines. Harry is on the sofa because Lucy and Jack need their own room. Where would I put you? On the balcony?
I wasnt lying to myself. I have two teenage children and a husband, Mark, a programmer whos been out of work for six months. We live in a twobedroom council flat in a sleepy suburb of Manchester. Theres also my mum in another town and my younger sister, Milly, who has always been Moms favourite.
Oh, dear, youll find a spot for your motherafter all youre such a good housewife! Mum switched to a flattering tone, and my palms suddenly tingled.
That tone had haunted me since childhood. It was the same voice that used to say:
Eleanor, youre grown now; youll look after Milly while I pop into the cafe, alright?
I was ten then, Milly only two. Instead of doing homework or playing dressup, I really did sit with my little sister
Mum, I cant talk now, I lied. The milks about to run out.
I hung up, poured myself a coffee, and knew Mum would not let it go.
An hour later she called again, this time from a different angle.
Eleanor, sunshine, you know Millys getting married, dont you? Dannys a lovely lad from a respectable family; his parents run a dental practice. Imagine thatyoung couples need their own place, you understand. I cant crowd them with my presence!
Thats it! I thought. The renovation is a red herring
So theyll live with you? she pressed.
Exactly.
My presence can bother you, but not them? I blurted before I could bite my tongue.
Eleanor! Mum gasped. What are you saying? Im your mother! I raised you, sleepless nights and all!
Ah, the raising. Shed really taken care of me when I turned fifteen, sending Milly and me to live with Grandma in the countryside while she pursued a new romance with some candidate. Grandma would just shake her head and sigh:
Ah, the girlshard luck with their mother
Mum, I tried to keep my voice steady, why not let Milly and Danny rent a flat? Their parents have a dental practice, after all
Why waste money on rent when theres a lovely threebedroom flat? Mum replied. They need to save for a car, start a family! And you youre selfish, thats what you are! Ive always known it!
The words punched through me. Id held on till the last breath, but now I couldnt stay silent.
Selfish? Me? Mum, seriously? When I was sixteen I worked in a café to help you. When I skipped buying a prom dress to get Milly a computer for school. When I gave you and my stepdad all our wedding savings for an urgent operation that turned out to be a holiday abroad?
Eleanor, stop the tantrum! Mum roared. You always exaggerate and play the victim!
Im not playing the victim; Im just done being one, I said, my tone flat.
A heavy pause lingered on the line; Mum weighed my words.
What are you talking about? Pull yourself together, Eleanor!
Mum, I wont house you, I sighed. Not for a week, not for a day. Live with Milly or find a flat. Or ask Dannys parents for help. I have my own family, my own problems, and I wont keep solving yours for free.
What youll regret this, Mum stammered. When Im gone youll weep at my grave, begging forgivenesstoo late! Remember my words!
Her words had cut deep in my youth. Id wept, felt guilty, and again fell into her traps. But I was no longer a child. I hung up, the line clicking cold.
A week passed. Mum stopped calling, and I almost believed it was over. How naïve I was!
On Saturday morning the phone rang again. Seeing Millys number flash on the screen, an odd premonition seized mea sudden, luminous apocalypse. And it was right.
Eleanor! a sobbing voice shouted. What have you done? Danny left! He ran off! All because of you!
Milly, calm down! I cried. What happened?
Mums the problem! Milly wailed. She said you refused to take her in, that shes unwanted, so shell live with us! Danny stayed three days and fled! He said he cant live like thisher constant advice and control drove him mad! Eleanor, its all your fault!
My heads spinning, I managed. Mum wanted to give you and Danny her flat, right?
Yes! We thought wed stay there until we could save for our own place. Then Mum was supposed to be sent to you. And now Milly burst into tears again.
Now that you wont help, she says we must care for her in old age! And Danny he said its either her or him!
So you chose Mum?
What else could I do? Its my mother! But now hes gone, and its all because of you! If youd taken her in, none of this would have happened!
Interesting plot, I thought, a crooked smile forming.
Milly, I said, your relationship didnt crumble because of me, nor because of Mum. It fell apart because of the choices you made. You could have found a solutionyoure an adult now. You could have rented a place, or moved into a shared house like many who have no home. You could have talked to Danny and reached a compromise. Instead you took the easy roadblaming me.
Youre heartless! Milly shrieked. You always have beencold and calculating!
No, Milly. Ive simply learned to protect myself. Thats normal. Too bad you havent realised it yet.
I hung up, the handset heavy in my hand.
Mark appeared in the hallway with a fresh mug of coffee.
Another family call? he asked.
Yeah, Milly this time. Some family drama.
He let the silence settle.
You know, I said, I think I finally understand something important.
Whats that?
That I dont have to be convenient for anyonemum, sister, anyone. I have the right to my own life.
I wrapped my arms around Mark, feeling his warmth.
Welcome to the selfish club, love. Its quite cosy here.
The phone rang once more. Of course it was Mum.
Well then, she sang in a tragic tone, youve seen what happens, havent you? Because of you Milly is moving out, leaving me alone! Just like you! Everyone has abandoned meselfish, ungrateful!
