So you dont want to spend the holiday with me, then? she snapped. Youve booked yourself a separate break on purpose, just so you wont have to bring me along, is that it?
I stood there, tonguetied.
Mum, I told you Im going with Emma. Weve been planning this for ages. Its not that I dont want you to tag along we just want the two of us to have some alone time.
—
Evenings at my flat rarely followed a set pattern, but they often began the same way: a failed attempt to ring Mum. Her favourite game was guess what Im sulking about this time. Tonight, however, the puzzle was particularly knotty because I had no clue what had gone wrong.
Wed spoken just before lunch and everything had seemed fine.
Mum, whats up? I managed, after half a dozen rings. Ive been dialing you for half an hour! What if somethings happened to you?
Instead of an answer, Margaret Smith huffed into the handset.
What do you mean? I asked, bewildered.
Figure it out yourself; youve forgotten something, she replied.
I havent forgotten anything, Mum. What are you on about? A familiar sense of helplessness washed over me. Every time Mum got cross, I felt like a child who could only burst into tears.
I ran through the usual suspects: Did I miss a birthday? Which one? Did I sound too sharp? Nothing fit.
Mum, what are you talking about?
She finally explained, voice thick with irritation:
About nine oclock, Sam! You promised to call me at nine and you called at ten! I sat there for a whole hour, waiting! Can you imagine how that feels? You never think of your mother, do you?
I slapped my forehead against a stack of papers. Nine. Ten. Yes, I remembered. Id been stuck in a meeting with the finance team, the discussion ran long, and Id simply forgotten. But to turn that into a fullblown drama?
Mum, Im sorry, truly. I got caught up. We were
So you got caught up? Margaret cut in. And I, what? I just sat there waiting for my precious son, who apparently has a calendar so full he needs a moment to remember his own mother!
Mum, you know I love you. Its just
I know, I know, she said, dripping sarcasm. You love me. Only your love comes with a timetable. If I dont remind you of myself, you wont call. Its not even on your agenda. Brilliant logistics, Sam, topflight performance!
If only an apology would suffice but no. Now shed haul up every past transgression, read out the proper son handbook, and Id feel guilty for no good reason. Id missed a call by an hourhardly the end of the world.
Alright, Mum. I wont forget again. Honest promise.
Promises mean nothing, Sam. How many times have you promised and not delivered?
What? When did I promise and not act?
Remember back in Year6, when
And the floodgate opened.
What I remembered well was that, to Mum, even the smallest slip turned into a catastrophe. Forgetting to take out the bins meant I didnt respect her. Buying the wrong jam at the shop meant I was inattentive to her tastes. Margaret was a master of exaggeration, and I, unfortunately, was her only pupil.
We patched things up with endless apologies, concessions, and, of course, gifts.
Is it smoothed over with Mum? Emma asked later, sipping tea.
Yes, but at what cost
Take a philosophical view, Sam. You cant rewrite Mum, she said gently.
Emma was wonderfulsoft, understanding, loving. She never threw a fit over a missed call; she valued my time and respected my decisions.
Of course I cant change things, I admitted. What Im really wondering is what about our holiday? Where are we going?
Sam, Emma replied, Ive been looking at some lastminute deals. What do you fancy? How long are we thinking? A week?
I smiled. A break with Emma was exactly what the doctor ordered; my head was feeling like a square block.
Anything works for mepick it.
Hmm how about Spain? Or maybe Portugal? Theres a decent resort leaving in a month that fits nicely with your leave
Lets see what else is on. The most important thing is we enjoy ourselves.
Just as I was about to book, I thought of Mum. Shed never forgive me for this. Then an idea struck.
Emma, what if we also bought Mum a little getaway? Somewhere else, of course. Let her have a proper break too.
Emma looked at me.
You sure? Shell?
Yes, Im sure. Trust me, itll calm everyone down if she gets a holiday of her own.
I decided that was the best solution. Id find Mum a nice little hotel in Cornwall with sea views and glowing reviewsexactly her taste.
Mum! I rang, trying to sound upbeat. Guess what!
Whats the occasion? And why should I be dancing? she snapped. Because my son finally remembered his old mum and bothered to call?
No, Mum. Im buying you a holiday, on the sea! Youll be relaxing.
She didnt laugh. There was no laughter at all.
What? Margaret managed.
Yes, Mum! Ive booked a twoweek stay for you at a lovely B&B in Cornwall. While Emma and I head off to Portugal.
Perhaps I should have mentioned at the airport that I wasnt travelling with her.
So you dont want to spend the holiday with me? she repeated, voice flat. Youve deliberately booked a separate trip so you wont have to bring me along?
I froze.
Mum, I told you Im going with Emma. Weve been planning this for months. Its not that I dont want you we just want some time for ourselves.
So you only thought of me when you needed to get rid of me? Youre trying to push me out so you can relax with your Emma?
I covered my face with my hands. How could she twist it like that? How could she make the person paying for the trip look like the villain?
Mum I just want you to have a break too. Whats wrong with that?
I dont need a holiday on your terms, Sam! I need a holiday with you. I wanted to spend time with my son. And youre sending me off as if Im a burden!
I clutched my head.
Again youve turned everything upside down
You know, Sam, she said softly, I guess Im not as needed as I was when you were a kid
Silence settled, final this time.
Alright, Mum. As you wish. I hear you.
It annoyed me when people at work said I hear you, but I couldnt think of a better line.
I hung up.
Emma heard the click immediately.
What now? Mum again?
Yes, I sighed. Mum again.
Whats the problem this time? The gift didnt suit her?
She wont go alone! Shes sulking, saying Im shipping her off. She wants us all together.
Emma chuckled quietly.
She just wants you near her, always. Youre her only son. She cant imagine being without you.
I thought Emmas laugh was misplaced. I was trying to keep Mum from stealing the spotlight from her, which made things awkward for both of us.
But I cant be with her all the time. I have my own life, I have you.
I know, love. But for her it feels like youre drifting away.
What am I supposed to do? Follow her around forever?
No, of course not. But maybe a chat first?
Ive tried, Emma. She wont listen.
Sam
Probably I know Mum best. If she doesnt want what Im offering, theres nothing I can do to change her mind.
In the end Emma and I flew off to our longawaited resort, while Margaret, just as Id expected, called her sister Valerie to complain about her ungrateful son.
Val, you have no idea! she jabbered for the hundredth time. My Sam I cant even find the words. He actually bought me a holiday in Cornwall!
Um that sounds good, doesnt it? You wanted a break, right?
I did, Valerie, but not like this! I wanted him to go with me, to spend time together. And he swoops off with Emma, miles away! Im convinced he booked tickets to different cities on purpose so I wont be in his way.
Valerie didnt entirely agree.
Honestly, Sam and Emma need some privacy, she said. Dont be mad, but youd just be in the way.
I? Im not in the way! I gave birth to him, raised him. And now hes shoving me aside! The worst part, Valerie, is he doesnt even realise why Im upset. He thinks I love to make a drama out of nothing Thats our life, Val. Ive given him everything, and he gives me nothing back
Valerie, seasoned in family feuds, simply nodded, as if to say she understood.
