The plates of cold dinner still sat untouched on the dining table. Martha stared at them vacantly, her mind elsewhere. But she couldnt help but notice the time: the numbers glowed on the clock, moving forward at a slow, mocking creep. 10:47 PM.
Colin had promised hed be home by nine. As always.
Her phone lay silent.
Martha wasnt even angry anymore.
Everything that had once been alive inside her had burned right out, leaving behind nothing but numb exhaustion.
It was nearly half eleven when the key rattled in the front door.
Martha didnt even turn her head. She sat wrapped in a blanket on the sofa, lost in a fixed stare.
Hello, love. Sorry, got held up at work, Colin said. His tired voice tried hitting a cheery note, that hollow, ringing note he always used when lying.
He came over, leaned down to kiss her cheek. She shrank away almost absentmindedly. He caught the movement.
Is something wrong? he asked, unwinding his scarf.
Do you remember what today is? Marthas voice was low and lifeless.
He paused trying to remember.
Wednesday. Why?
Its my mums birthday. We were supposed to take her a cake. You promised.
Colins face changed in an instant. The smile slid away, leaving behind guilt and panic.
Oh god, Martha, I completely forgot. Im so sorry. Works just a nightmare at the moment. Ill ring her tomorrow, I promise.
He wandered to the kitchen. Martha could hear him clattering about, fussing with the fridge and the crockery. That was always his escape: the bustle of mugs and cutlery gave him somewhere to hide from messy questions.
But tonight, she had no interest in sparing him. She stood up and walked to the kitchen doorway.
Colin, who exactly were you working late with tonight, until nearly eleven?
He turned. His hand, holding the milk, trembled just so.
With the team, love. Were rushing a new project. The deadlines are brutal. You know how it is.
I do know, she nodded. And I also know that at three this afternoon you were on the phone saying Ellen, I get it, but I have to make this right.
Ellen. His ex-wife. The ghost that had lingered in their home these past three years, trailing behind him the chill of old resentments and silent reproaches.
Colin went pale.
You were listening in?
I didnt need to. You were talking so loud in the bathroom I could hear every word.
He set the milk down and slumped onto a kitchen stool.
Its not how it sounds.
Then what is it, Colin? Marthas tone finally cracked, a hint of emotion surfacing. Youve been on edge for half a year now. You disappear in the evenings, look at me as if Im invisible! Are you trying to get her back? Just say it. I can handle the truth.
Head bowed, Colin stared at his hands. Strong, capable hands that could fix any machine, but never managed happiness.
Im not going back to her, he said quietly.
Then what? Are you sleeping with her again?
No! There was so much raw sincerity and desperation in his eyes that Martha wavered for a moment. Martha, please, theres nothing like that.
Then what? What is it youre making right? She was almost shouting. Are you paying her debts? Sorting out her messes? Living her life instead of ours?
Colin sat in silence.
The words Martha had held back for so long spilled over.
Leave, Colin. Go to her if shes so important to you. Or whoever it is you need to be with. Go fix whatever it is you need to fix. Just leave me out of it. I cant do this anymore and I dont want to.
She made to go, but Colin jumped up, blocking her path.
Theres nowhere for me to go! he burst out. Theres no Ellen not new, not old! I I dont understand myself, I just want to put things right!
He turned away, swallowing hard.
Then stop speaking in riddles, Martha managed.
You want to know what Im trying to put right? Colin finally broke, Its myself! Im trying to fix myself. And I cant. Do you see? Youre not her. Youre more patient, kinder you believed in me when I didnt believe in myself. With you, it should have worked. I should have been different, better. But I cant get it right! I keep ruining things missing birthdays, losing myself in work, even knowing youre waiting. I shut down. I look in your eyes and watch the light go out. Just like it did in hers
Martha stood there, silent.
I dont want to find someone else, Colin said quietly, Im terrified itll happen again. That Ill mess up something important. Make her cry, push her to hate or despair. I dont know how how to actually be a husband. How to live together day in, day out, quietly, without drama. Everything I touch, I break. Im not really living at all, just forever scared Ill slip and fall. And you you seem just as lifeless next to me.
Colin met Marthas eyes. His look was lost, but truthful:
So its not you. And its not Ellen. Its me.
Listening to that jumbled confession, Martha suddenly understood: Colin hadnt betrayed her with another woman. Hed betrayed her with his own fears. He wasnt some villain just a lost man, unsure how to keep going.
So what now, Colin? she asked, gently, not a hint of reproach. You realise all this. And then?
I dont know, he admitted honestly.
Then sort yourself out, Martha blurted. See a counsellor, immerse yourself in books, bang your head against a wall I dont care. Just stop going in circles, searching for some magic switch to wipe away your old mistakes. It doesnt exist. You have to work at it. On your own.
Without me.
She left the kitchen, walked through the hallway, and pulled on her coat.
***
The door closed behind her. Colin was left alone in the quiet, broken only by the drizzle tapping on the window. He went to look outside, watched Marthas figure dissolve into the rainy darkness, and felt a crushing weight settle on his shoulders the weight of everything that remained.
His failure was no longer a ghost. It was here, in the empty flat, the cold dinner, his useless hands, unable to hold onto anything.
Instead of following her, he reached for the bottle of brandy.
