I miss him. Ive never missed anyone quite like this before. And I dont even know whyespecially since I never felt completely comfortable with him, and there were things I didn’t like.
We first met on Facebook. We started messaging, and one day he asked me out for a coffee. We went to a local park. That day, I was feeling rather lowemotionally drained, and my body ached from a tough gym session the day before; my legs hurt terribly. We sat there, chatting in the parkit was evening, crisp and cold, with a clear sky overhead. We talked about personal things, our lives, who we were.
When it was time to leave, I hugged him. It lasted a few minuteslonger than expected. The embrace felt like home, even though it came from a man who always appeared serious, distant, and a bit cold. In that moment, I sensed that, deep down, he wasnt really like that. I dont know if he was uncomfortablemuch like I was, really. But I sensed that he too was struggling, and that hug mattered to him. We parted with another, briefer hug.
We carried on messaging late into the night. This became our routinehed send a good morning, then wed talk all day, constantly texting. We started going out. We talked about deep things, shared dreams, and played out future scenarios. Eventually, he told me he lived with a mate. Later, he talked about his ex-girlfriend, and admitted he enjoyed keeping in touch with female friends hed previously dated. Not long after, he moved back in with his parents.
When we made things official, he confessed the truth: hed actually been living with his ex the whole time. According to him, they were finishednothing between them, even before. They worked together, that was all.
He posted a picture of the two of them together online. On his birthday, I planned to pick him up and take him to a beautiful restaurant with a Tudor themeI wanted it to be a surprise. But just after lunch, a woman messaged me on Instagram, hurling abuse. I didnt respond. I simply asked him what was going on. He explained it was his exshe apparently liked to send people to harass others online. I didnt reply until Id spoken to him. He assured me hed sorted it out, but the messages carried on. Eventually, I replied only as much as needed. I refuse to stoop to someone elses level. Then, I blocked her.
We moved past it. Our relationship even grew stronger. We shared more. I was between jobshe encouraged me to find something. Sometimes, he helped me with my expenses, which made me uncomfortable, though I never asked for anythinghe just did it. When he went on holiday, he suggested I stay at his place. I did, although staying the whole two weeks turned out to be a mistake.
He was testing metrying to see what I’d be like around the house. He spent a lot on takeaways, insisting that cooking was a waste of time, that we could just buy ready meals. The holiday ended and wed spent much more than we should have. I told him we should try to save, but he didnt listen. Later, he blamed me for not helping him save, saying if he spends so much, its because I let himeven though I advised him to cook and be careful with money.
Afterwards, he told me the bills were stressing him outand that made me feel guilty. I found a job, and then he said now hed test me. This time it was about whether Id start paying my way now that I was earning, or at least contribute for living at his. He said he felt as if he was bankrolling me. I didnt know what to say. I was still learning how to make relationships work.
He promised things would changeand they did. Hardly any plans, barely any meet-ups. His messages grew short. He said he had to sort out his finances, that he was struggling, even skipping meals at times. Everything started to fall apart.
One day, he said Id emptied his pockets, that Id ruined him financiallythough I had never asked him for anything. By this point, I had my own job. Sometimes Id pay, sometimes he would. But there were no more plans. Everything was different. We agreed to end it. We separated on good termsgrateful for the good times and the lessons. We closed the door respectfully.
We tried again, though, after a while. We talked. But it bothered me always being at his place after work with no food, sometimes not even being offered dinner. Id wonder if Id need to bring my own lunch or eat well before going over so I wouldnt go hungry. I mentioned how I felt, but he said nothing and offered no solution. It left me feeling like looking after myself was my own burden. It drained the relationship.
Once, while we were out, I became faint on the Tube and nearly passed out. I sat on the floor rather than collapse. He did nothing. That, I think, was the final straw. I started to distance myself. Deep down, I still wanted him, but I knew he wasnt the right man for me, no matter our dreams and plans.
I often asked that we never go to bed angry. But I found myself falling asleep next to him, quietly crying. One morning I decided I couldnt keep going. I got up early, packed my things and left. We talked about it. I told him how I felt. Id given him a drawing hed loved, but I took it off the wall and left with it. I probably shouldnt have. Something broke in both of us.
A few weeks later, we talked again. He told me that when I took the picture, I took away the happiness it brought him, and that now something was irreparably broken. We closed the door once more. Sometimes, I sent him thank you messages or videos, but he never replied. Everything felt empty.
One night, just after midnight, I got a message full of insultsaccusing me of splitting him up from his family. I deleted and blocked his number. Then, I started getting strange messages from colleagues at his workplace. I knew it was his ex or perhaps someone new. I ignored them. I went straight to HR and drew the linetold them if it carried on, Id take legal action. It stopped after that.
I was sad for a while. I changed. I realised he wasnt the man I wanted. We parted on decent terms, but seeing him again, with someone whod caused so much chaos, hurt.
Sometimes, I do miss himthe nice moments, at least. But thats all. One thing I know for certain: with me, he felt calm and proud. I dont think hell get that with hernor will he ever be the man hed hoped to be in the eyes of the world.
