After dropping his mistress off, Colin gave her a fond farewell and set off home.
He paused for a moment outside the flat, weighing up how hed play things with his wife. He trudged up the stairs and unlocked the door.
Hi, said Colin. Sarah, are you home?
At home, came Sarahs dry reply from somewhere inside. Hello. Well then, shall I go fry up the pork chops?
Colin promised himself hed be directdecisive, manly, nipping his double life in the bud before the taste of another womans kiss faded from his lips and the grey fog of domesticity descended again.
Sarah, Colin cleared his throat. Ive come to tell you that we need to separate.
Sarah received this news with the enthusiasm of someone being told it might rain on Thursday. Not much could ruffle Sarah Colins feathers. Years ago, Colin even teased her by calling her Sarah Chillwell.
What do you mean? Sarah called from the kitchen door. Am I frying the chops or not?
As you fancy, said Colin. Fry them, dont fry them, makes no odds. Im leaving you for another woman.
Now, most wives at this point would come at their husband with the nearest frying pan, or at least stage a spectacular row. But Sarah wasnt most wives.
Well, look at you, Mr. Billy Big Boots, she said. Did you bring back my boots from the cobbler?
No, Colin stammered. If it matters that much, Ill pop down and get them now!
Oh, heavenly days Sarah muttered. Typical you, Colin. Send you for boots and youd bring back a pair of slippers.
Colin was a bit miffed. His heartfelt declaration about ending their marriage seemed to be falling flat. Where was the drama, the slamming doors, the storms of passion? Instead, he got Sarah Chillwell, cold as an iceberg.
I dont think youre hearing me, Sarah! Colin insisted. Im making it official: Im leaving you for another woman. Im going. And youre talking about boots!
Quite right, she said. Unlike me, you can walk wherever you like. Your boots dont need mending. Off you go, then!
Theyd been together ages, but Colin still couldnt read when Sarah was joking and when she was deadly serious. Her even keel and cool temperamentplus her knack for running a tight ship (and her, ahem, ample charms)were what had always drawn him to her. Sarah had all the strength and steadiness of a battleship anchor. But now Colin loved someone elsewith all the illicit, dangerous heat that only temptation brings. So, time to get his skates on and move waters.
Well then, Sarah, said Colin, mustering up a hint of dignity and wistfulness. Thank you for everything, but Ive fallen for someone else. I love her, not you.
Good heavens above, said Sarah. He doesnt love me, what a disaster. My mum was in love with the bloke next door. Dad loved dominoes and a pint. And look how marvellous I turned out.
Colin knew arguing with Sarah was like bickering with Big Benpointless and exhausting. His initial fire fizzled out. Suddenly, he didnt much feel like kicking up a fuss.
Sarah, you really are remarkable, Colin said glumly. But I love someone else. Properly, madly, sinfully. And Im off to be with her, you see?
Someone elsewho? That posh girl from work, Jennifer Hawkins?
Colin took a step back. A year ago, hed had an ill-advised thing with Jennifer, but he hadnt thought Sarah even knew her!
How did you? Oh, never mind. No, Sarah, not Hawkins.
Sarah yawned. Then maybe its Victoria Cartwright? Been heading that way?
Colin felt a cold sweat down his back. Cartwright had been another brief affair, something in the past. If Sarah knew, why hadnt she said anything? Oh rightSarah was a vault.
Not Cartwright and not Hawkins. Someone else entirely. Shes marvellous, the woman of my dreams. I simply cant live without her and Im leaving, so dont try to talk me out of it!
Oh, must be Angela, then, said Sarah. Colin, Colin youre as transparent as a stained-glass window. Your dream womanAngela Mayfield. Thirty-five, one child, two divorces. Yes?
Colin clutched his head. It was a bullseye: hed been seeing Angela Mayfield.
But how? Colin croaked. Who ratted us out? Have you been spying on me?
Please, Colin, said Sarah. Darling, Im a GP with twenty years in practice. I know every woman this side of Croydon, while you, my love, barely scratch the surface. All I need is five minutes chat and a squint at a record to see youve been up to your usual.
Colin pulled himself together.
Supposing you guessed right! he said, trying for dignity. Lets say it is Mayfield. Im still leaving for her.
Foolish man, said Sarah. You could have just asked me, you know! In fact, theres nothing all that special about Angela, just so you knowsame as all the rest, medical opinion. Have you seen the file on your so-called dream woman?
N-no confessed Colin.
I thought not. First, get yourself into the shower. Second, tomorrow Ill give Dr. Simmons a ring to check you in for a full round of tests, no waiting about, Sarah said. Then well talk, if youre still keen. Its a laugh, reallya GPs husband who cant even find a healthy girlfriend!
So what do I do? Colin whimpered.
Im off to fry the chops, said Sarah. You get cleaned up and do as you please. If you want a dream woman with a clean bill of health, come see meIll write you a referralColin lingered, awash in the familiar smells of homedetergent, half-damp towels, the echo of rosemary from Sarahs herb garden outside the window. Something inside him felt suddenly, irreparably foolish. He imagined the dramatic moment hed picturedslamming doors and wild tearsand saw it for the fantasy it was. Here was his real life: pork chops sizzling, Sarah humming as she clattered about, the dull weight of choices hed already made pressing in on him.
In the small, bright kitchen, Sarah turned, spatula in hand. Well, lovestanding theres not going to get you any supper. If youre staying, set the table. If youre going, shut the door gently on your way.
Colin hovered at the threshold, heart thumping. Out in the world, everything felt uncertainAngela, with her complicated history and sharp perfume, beckoned like a dare. But here was Sarah: unruffled, unhurried, somehow unbreakable.
He stepped in, hands trembling just a bit, and took two plates from the cupboard. Did you want peas or beans tonight?
Sarah smiled, sly and warm in equal measure. Surprise me, Colin. For once, surprise me.
And as the pork chops hissed, Colin caught the faintest glimmer of laughter in Sarahs eyesthe kind reserved for old companions, for survivors, for those who know that life, like supper, is rarely simple and never quite as you planned.
