The Broken Doll
Maggie, it was utterly delightful! Dear Helenshes a marvel! That voice! Ive never heard its equal, and mind you, I frequent the Royal Opera enough to think of myself as a bit of a connoisseur. She should be singing there, truly! Without question!
Thank you, Bella, truly. Youre too generous. Helens worked so hard for thisyears of effort, tears, and now at last, Carmen…
Glorious! Absolutely glorious! Maggie, now shes attained everything shes set out for, isnt it time to consider her future? Of course, shes a nightingale, but a bird cannot flit from branch to branch forever. A nest. Chicks to care for?
I dont know, Bella. I think its a bit soon for that. Shes still young, and tonights triumphwell, its only the first step in a long career.
Maggie! Charles has been ready for marriage for ages. How much longer do you expect him to wait? He adores Helen, he can barely last a day without her! Are we to be the only obstacles to their happiness? Bella dabbed her eyes with a lace handkerchief shed pulled from her purse. Who are we to stand in their way?
Marian Elizabeth said nothing. She knew thered be no shaking off her childhood friend tonight, but she had no wish to continue the conversation. It was far from the first time, and certainly not the hundredth.
Bella was the sort of woman who, once she set her heart on something, saw it through by any means necessary. Obstacles were merely things to push past. And Marion could not remember a single instance in all their years when Bella didnt get precisely what she wanted.
Theyd met, in fact, over such a wish. Marian still recalled the confusion and sting of betrayal that lingered from that encounter.
Her dolla beauty called Lizzie with flaxen curls, blue eyes, and a curious frockher father had brought home from a trip to Manchester. Marian idolized her. Shed seat Lizzie at her tea parties and insist on strict etiquette, as her own mother had taught her.
Bella first saw Lizzie a week after shed come home. She was immediately smitten. But Marian wouldnt give up Lizzie, not this time. So Bella, in true form, fell ill. Not play-ill, but genuinelyyou might say theatricallyunwell, with tears and fever. She despaired so convincingly that Marian eventually brought the precious doll over to her friends house herself. What else could she do if Bella was so distraught?
Marian handed over Lizzie, but the regret was immediate. She watched Bellas tears vanish in a heartbeat, the way she snatched up her old doll Katewhose eyes barely worked nowand tossed her unceremoniously into the toy chest.
Youll live there from now on!
Even then, Marian felt an inexplicable ache. She couldnt put it into words, but she ached for old Kate. She begged Bella for her, and since Bella didnt care any longer, Marian carried the battered doll back home.
There she asked her mother to fix Kate up. She missed Lizzie terribly and knew, in her heart, Lizzie was destined for the same fate. One day, Bella would decide the next new doll was better, and Lizzie would be thrown asideforgotten in a moment.
Yet Marian never once thought of reclaiming her gift. That would simply be wrong.
Kate remained on Marians childhood shelf for years. Even after Marian grew up and had a daughter of her own, the old doll sat with arms outstretched and wide blue eyes, now stripped of lashes.
For Marian, Kate was a reminderhow easily some people discard the things they once loved, simply for something new. And those people might well do the same with people, not just toys.
Bella was the only nearby girl of Marians age in that house on Pond Road, after theyd moved following her grandfathers passing. Marian barely remembered him, but in the house, his nameHenry Thompsonwas uttered only in hushed, reverent tones.
She discovered the truth much later: that hed been a spy during the war. Not the sort of thing told to children.
She only learned this after her own father, a prominent surgeon at St Thomass, died suddenly and Marian and her mother were left alone.
Were on our own now, darling. Well have to manage. Quite howI dont know yet…
But why?
I always relied on your father. Even before, it was your grandfather who made every decisionwhere wed go, what wed buy, what wed wear. Afterwards, your father. Thats how it was.
But thats not fair, Mum! Why did you accept all that?
My dear, what choice did I have? Whats wrong, after all, with men taking responsibility for their family? When I married into Henrys family, I had nothing but the clothes on my back. Born to a single mothernobody knew my fathers name. You cant imagine the shame that brought, in those days. It sounds odd, but Im grateful she left me…
Mum…
Oh, sweetheart. The childrens home was all I ever knew, and it was a good homewarm and safe, thanks to those who worked there. They didnt spoil us, prepared us for life, and cared, in their own way. Not the same as a mothers love, but they were afraid for us, and thats the root of itmaternal fear. If you dont worry your child will fall or hurt themselves, its no love at all.
Are you afraid for me?
Always! More than you can know. Your father never quite understood. He was raised differently.
How?
He was taught to stand on his own two feet, make decisions and take responsibilityhardly surprising in a family like his. Both he and his father were raised by their grandmothers after losing their mothers very young. Both attended the military college, but your dad left, insistedhed be a doctor. His father accepted it, said, If thats his decision, let him do it. He thought men should mean what they say, even if the man is a teenager.
And he became a doctor…
A brilliant one. You know that.
How did you meet him?
On the street. By sheer chance. I was with friends in the city centre when I broke the heel on my borrowed shoewailed like a child! Our dorm had three pairs of nice shoes between six girls. When one broke, it was a disaster! Your father fetched a cobbler, persuaded him to fix the heel while I waited, walked me home. Brave soul.
Why brave?
I lived in a tough part of town. The local lads didnt like outsidersmight have roughed him up. But he managed to win them over in minutes, shaking hands before we went. I never understood how he charmed everyone.
And Grandpa? Did he accept you?
It took a while. He watched me, didnt object but didnt welcome me straightaway, either. Not until you were born. Your father was always at the hospital, I was left aloneterrified, not knowing a thing about babies. I learned what the nurses told me, what I found in books. If I made mistakes, theyd scold, and Id cry, wishing someone could help.
Did you cope?
Your grandfather helped. Hed been travelling for worknone of us ever knew when hed turn up or how long hed stay. Then, one night, I was pacing with you, exhausted, and suddenly he took you from my arms and said, Go to bed, love. Ill take care of her. I didnt argue. I slept in the armchair until morning. When I awoke and couldnt find you, I panicked. But he was changing you, perfectly at ease. I felt so utterly uselessashamed.
But Henry was gentle. He started calling me Nella nickname. Switched to you instead of maam. That was his way of accepting me into the family. I was so happy I thought Id burst. Id never known a father before, and there he was.
But what mattered mostyou. He adored you, and that was enough. He didnt care about having a grandson first; he was thrilled you were a girl. Remember the photograph where hes tying your little bow? That was me, giggling as I tried to take the picture. My serious, heroic father-in-law, fussing with ribbons! Im gratefulyou knew family love thanks to him. Pity he passed so soon… Though, in some ways, perhaps it was for the best. He was an officera man of another era, for whom duty and honour werent just empty words. The world changed, but he never did, and he wouldn’t have fit into it. Maybe thats why he didnt fight his illness, let it take him.
Why do you say that?
In the end, when the pain was too much, he kept apologising, sad he wouldnt see you grown… Hed done everything he could for us: made sure I got an education, pushed me to provide, even when I wanted nothing more than to stay home with a second baby. Im grateful nowbecause of that, well be all right. We have my job, our flat, and Grandpa Henrys old place, yours when youre married, just as he wanted. I thought of renting it out, but no. I cant bear strangers in his rooms, handling his things. Well manage ourselves, while we can.
For that, Marian was deeply grateful. She would visit Henrys empty flat, tidy up, and sit by his shelvesrunning her hands over old books, imagining him hearing her thoughts.
Her mother, Nell, didnt shy from a challenge. She changed careers, seeking a favour from one of Henrys friends, and soon was working at a hospital trust in London. The state pension was enough, but Nell knew that every year would bring new costs for her daughter.
After Nell passed, when Helen was only ten, Marian didnt give in to despair. Helen had no one left but her, so she pressed on.
Contact with Bella continued over the years. They werent as close as before, but swapped news of their children, watched each others lives from afar. Bella had married, moved to the countryside with her husbands home and studio. Her son Charles followed in his fathers footsteps, becoming an artist too. Hence Bellas ceaseless insistence that Helen shouldnt look for love outside their circle.
Gifted people should keep to their own! Why dilute the talent? Whose genes are coming inyou never know what youll get! I want clever, healthy grandchildren! Maggie, dont you agree?
Marian had no answer. Shed never told Bella her own familys true historyher upbringing by Henry and Nell. She recalled her mothers advice:
The less folk know about you, the better!
So, she held her tongue. She couldnt bear the thought of Helen with Charles, though shed never confess that to Bella.
Helen, though, was differentall grit and resilience, her childhood shaped by a family of strong, self-reliant women. Her father died while Helen was still a baby. All she knew of him was from their storieshow your father would be so proud of you became the refrain of her youth.
Yet, one thing Helen couldnt foresee: falling for Charles, Bellas sona friend shed never really fancied before.
How had it happened? She didnt know. She just realised, one day, that his company felt indispensable.
Charles was light, exuberant, always coaxing her into adventures. Once, he persuaded her to fly off to the Lake District for a weekend of skiingknowing full well Helen couldnt ski to save her life. He bought all her gear, made a great joke of it, and cheered her on.
You can do anything, Helen! hed grin.
Why did she crave his approval? Her mother and grandmother had always cheered her on, but still, it never felt like enough.
The trip was funthe excitement, the friends, the attention. The only letdown was the skiing itself. Helen quickly realised she lacked both the skill and confidence for it.
Charles was baffled. He joked, teased, grew annoyed when she refused to keep trying.
Why come if not to ski?
Because youre here, she almost sobbed.
At the end of the trip, Charles proposedring and everything, their friends shouting Speech! Speech! and popping champagne. Helen said yes, tears streaming down her cheeks as she marvelled at the beautiful, expensive ringBella had ensured that.
Bella took care of the wedding toolavish and meticulously planned, with Marian and Helen left only to select a dress and tidy up Henrys old flat, where the young couple would live.
Doubts crept in after the first anniversary. Helen sang, Charles painted. But Bella was not satisfied.
Its time for children! Why delay when were still able to help? Art is all very well, but life goes ondont put it off.
Marian didnt know what to say. She knew Helen wanted childrenthe problem wasnt Helen at all. The truth was that Charles didnt want them, not at all.
Dont tell Mum, he whispered. No need to upset her. Shes obsessed. I cant stand the thought of screaming brats trashing my studio, having to work myself ill for their sakes. I want to live, not waste my life on such nonsense!
The blow broke Helens heart. She tried to talk it through, but saw quicklythis wasnt a whim. Charles had made up his mind.
I want to achieve something, Helen. To be great! Youd toss me from Olympus before Im even up there? No! And you, you must understandwere artists, thats our life! Mum was right to pick you. Shes clever, isnt she?
Helen could think of little polite to say about Bellas cleverness, and so stopped visiting her mother-in-law altogether.
But Bella could not leave it be.
Helen! What on earth are you thinking? Charles would love a babydont you want to be a mother? Or is there nothing feminine in you at all? How can you live like this?
Helen remained silent, unwilling to humiliate herself explaining what was really happening. She would not plead her case before Bella. She would not.
Maggie! Beg your daughtersort her out! How long must we wait?
Then, fate intervened.
Another mountain trip. Charles was irritable from the start, and when she timidly tried to avoid skiing, he shouted.
Why do you need an instructor? Ill show youwhat are you so afraid of?
Perhaps she hoped a little peace was better than a fight.
She woke in hospital, Marian at her bedside, eyes swollen with worry.
Mum…
Hush, darling, hush. Dont try to talk now. Im here. Everything will be all right.
And Charles?
Marian turned away, unable to say Charles had already flown back to London, shrugging at the news.
What do you want me to do? I cant help her, Im no doctor. I have an exhibition. The timings appalling!
Helen learned the truth much later, after Marian had managed her transfer to the hospital ward where she worked, determined to restore her daughter as best she could.
The doctors prognosis was bleak. Marian refused to believe them. Each morning, before work, she looked at old photos and whispered,
I wont give up. You didnt teach me to break. She has no one else. Ill protect her.
Marian pleaded with Charles.
Please! She needs you. Dont you love her?
I did. But what do you expect me to do now? Sit by her side forever? We wont get past this. She wont forgive me. And I cant bear the guilt. I have one life.
But Charleshow?
How not? Life is for living, Maggie. I know Im right, but you wont admit it.
So Marian let go of her efforts to save the marriage and focused on Helens health.
It was slow, painful, but she succeeded. Helen, to the doctors surprise, stoodthen walked again, despite the pain, always meeting Marians eyes for courage.
Thats it, my girl! One step more! Imagine how your father would have beamed!
But Helen never sang again. Somehow, her voice was lostwhether to surgery or to those two dreadful hours that shed lain in the snow, calling for help. Helen could not remember, but only one of the instructors, rounding at dusk, found her by tracing the desperate sound. That Charles hadnt noticed her goneshe learned this in hospital. When Marian tried to soften the truth, Helen just placed a hand on hers.
Mum, dont. I understand now. They dont want a broken doll. Im no use. Not their Katy…
Youre not Katy, not ever! It was a shout, so fierce the nurse peered in. Excuse me, I
Its all right. Need anything, Helen?
No, thank you. Its all right. Isnt it, Mum?
Never doubt it.
Years later, in Regents Park, a young woman with the faintest limp would make her way to the broad walk, set her toddler son down and call,
Off you go, then! So much to see, but mind you dont dashMum cant keep up. Give me your hand.
The boy would trundle beside her, bursting into a run when he saw Marian hurrying over to them.
My darlings! Oh, how Ive missed you!
Helen would hug her mother.
How was your holiday? Did you have a good time?
Yes, marvellous! Youd never guess whom I ran intoBella.
Oh? How was she?
Still suffering, as ever. Disappointed by Charles, growing old, no hope of grandchildren.
And you said nothing?
Nothing. I didnt mention you were married, nor that another grandchilds on the way. I just pitied her.
So do I. Odd folk, arent they, Mum?
Were all peculiar, my dear. But lets not dwell on that. Whos this handsome chap then? Show Granny your new tooth! Good heavens, exactly as he should beany more, and hell be biting my finger off.
Oh, Mum, youll be the death of me! Hes fine, perfect in every way!
Helen would take her mothers hand and place it gently on her own stomach, beaming.
Ready for some news?
Happy news?
Nothing happier; youll be a granny twice over soon. Hows that?
Oh!
Are you not pleased?
Im just a little dazed! Butpleased? Im over the moon. Is it possible to be too happy?
Im not sure. All I know is that weve earned it. You most of all, Mum.
Mmm?
Im not Katy, am I?
Of course not, Marian promised, I told you, didnt I?Marian smiled, tears threatening but never quite falling, because happiness overflowed faster than grief could rise. Her hand rested, warm and steady, against Helens bellyfeeling life there, pulsing and sure.
Not Katy, she said softly. Never broken, never discarded. Youre yourself. Thats everything.
The boy tugged at Marians sleeve, his chubby fist closing around two fingers; his eyes, wide and blue, sparkled with questions as only the very young can have. He pointed toward a scatter of pigeons.
Go on, love, Helen urged, laughing. Granny will keep up if she can.
He darted forward, and Marian heard herself laugha sound so bright it startled a passing stranger into a smile too.
Together, they followed, three lives in joyful pursuit. The spring air was gold with sun, and nothingnot pain, not memorycould claim them. They were more than what had been lost. They were what endured.
Marian paused, taking in the world as it wasimperfect, glorious, mended and whole in unexpected ways, like Kate, the old doll, who still sat on her shelf at home. Not flawless by any old measure, but cherished beyond reason, loved because she had survived.
Beside her, Helen threaded her arm through Marians and squeezed once, fierce and certain. Come on, Mum. Well miss the adventure.
And so, with laughter chasing away all echoes of sorrow, they walked into the afternoona family, unbroken and unafraid.
