My neighbour, Robert (now 51), has lived on his own for twelve years. Just yesterday, I asked him a questionwhy dont you try finding yourself a lady? He explained six reasons, and as I listened, I realised he had a point.
It was yesterday evening when I popped round to Robert’s flat. Id gone to borrow a drill, and he answered in his house trousers and a faded t-shirt.
Come in, Ive just finished supper.
I stepped inside. His flat was spotless, and there was a hearty scent of roast chicken wafting from the kitchen. On the table sat a laptop and beside it, a glass of red wine.
Robert is fifty-one now. Hes been divorced for twelve years. Lives alone, works as an engineer, and brings home about £3,500 a month.
Ive known him for five yearsever since I moved into this row. Never once have I seen a woman with him. Not even a visitor.
He handed me the drill, poured us each a whisky.
Sit down, since youre here. Its been a while.
We sat in his kitchen, drank our whiskies.
I asked, Robert, why do you live alone? Not looking for anyone?
He gave a dry chuckle.
Im not seeking anyone on purpose, Henry. After twelve years flying solo, Im sure of itIm better on my own.
Whys that?
He topped up our glasses and leaned back in his chair.
Ill tell you. Six reasons, plain and simple. Reasons I had to learn the hard way.
The first reasonrisk of losing everything in a divorce
Robert began, I divorced twelve years ago. Was married to Emma for eighteen years. Weve a daughter, shes twenty-eight now, living on her own.
He sipped his drink.
We split up because she cheated. I caught her with a colleague. I filed for divorce.
And then?
The court split the house right down the middle, didnt matter that I paid most the mortgage. In the end, we had to sell the flat, split the money, and I picked up this little place.
He looked at me thoughtfully.
Henry, I lost half of everything Id worked for, because she was unfaithful. And the law says thats fair. Understand? I worked, I paid, while she strayedand she got half.
Well, thats the law
Exactly. So why take the risk again? Suppose I meet someone. We move in, marry, get a car, maybe something else. Three years later, she decides to leave. Why set myself up for that?
I sat in silence. He carried on.
Second reasonwomen dont support a mans dreams
You know, Henry, Ive always dreamt of buying an old motorbike. Restoring it. Taking it out on weekends.
Sounds brilliant.
Doesnt it? Ive been saving up for it nearly a yeargive me six months, and Ill have a Triumph from the seventies parked downstairs. Fix it up myself.
He poured some water to cut his whisky.
When I was married, I had dreams too. I wanted to learn guitar. Bought one, paid for lessons. Emma just said, Why bother? Youre fortyyoure not Paul McCartney. So I quit. Wanted to canoe the Norfolk Broads. She said, Have you lost your mind? Weve a mortgage and youre regressing. And that was that.
He gazed out the window.
Women scorn mens dreams. See them as childish. Now, I do as I please. Buy my motorbikeno ones to call me a fool.
Third reasonwomen expect too much
Robert continued, Three years ago, I thought Id try an online dating site. Registered honestlymy age, my job, what I earn, my hobbies.
And how did it go?
Had a few chats. One lady, Sharon, forty-six, runs a salon. Makes about £1,200 a month. She wrote, Youre an interesting chap, but I want a man earning at least seven grand a month.
He laughed at the memory.
I replied, And how much do you earn, may I ask? She took offence and blocked me outright.
Really?
Absolutely. Henry, modern women see themselves as undiscovered royalty. Earn little, rent a room, demand a man with thousands, a car, a house. While they offer nothing, except being feminine.
He finished his glass.
I earn decent money. I own my place. Have a car. Yet to many women, Im a failure because Im not a millionaire. Why chase someone who doesnt appreciate you?
Fourth reasonhousekeeping is no mystery
I asked, Dont you miss a bit of home comfort, someone to cook, keep things tidy?
Robert gave a bark of laughter.
Henry, look around you. Is it clean? Spotless. I give it a once-over every weekhour or so. Cook my own mealstoday was roast chicken with veg, half an hour tops. As for laundry, the machine does it allI just fill it and press start.
He got up and motioned to the kitchen.
I dont need a woman for the housework. I manage. Do you know how many modern women cant even cook? Half of them, if that. They order takeaways or eat ready meals.
But some women are proper homemakers
Few and far between. And if she expects me to pay for everything anyway, whats the point? Id rather just cook for myself.
Fifth reasonfear of deceit and manipulation
Robert poured more whisky for both of us.
Henry, after the divorce, I dated two women. Not for long. Both lied.
How do you mean?
The first, Ruth, said she was divorced. We dated a month. Only later I learnedshe was still married. Just wanted someone on the side, as her husband didnt bring home enough.
He took a slow sip.
The second, Laura, claimed no children. We saw each other two monthsturns out she had two kids. Didnt tell me so I wouldnt run.
How awful
Exactly. Im tired of the lies. They think its fine to hide things to snare a man. Then they wonder why we dont trust anymore.
Sixth reasonpunished for taking initiative
Robert leaned back in his chair.
Last time I tried to chat to anyone was a year back. In Waterstones, browsing the classics. Spotted a woman, mid-forties, seemed pleasant.
And?
I came over and said, Excuse me, I see you like classics. May I suggest something? She gave me the look as if I were a menace. Cold as ice, Thank you, Ill manage. Then she walked off.
He smirked.
Any initiative from a man, now its seen as harassment. Approach someone? Youre a creep. Message on social media? Stalker. Ask them for coffee? Scrounger.
Surely not all are like that
Not all. Most, though. Im tired of rejection and cold stares. I dont put myself out there anymore. If a womans keen, she can show it. I wont grovel.
What I realised after
Robert finished his glass, gave me a sombre look.
Henry, Im not saying all women are bad. There are good ones. But finding them is like looking for a needle in a haystack. And a mistake costs youmoney, nerves, years.
He stood up.
Im fifty-one. Ive a decent job, a flat of my own, a car, hobbies, friends. Im happy alone. Why risk it all for a relationship that very likely ends in divorce and ruin?
I shuffled home and lay awake, turning his words over and over.
Im forty-nine, been married for twenty-three years. My wife and I are doing well. But if I were on my own would I do just as Robert has?
I think so.
Is Robert right to stay single for all these years, wary of lossor is he a coward, afraid of love?
Do men truly lose everything in divorce, even when betrayed, or is that exaggerated?
Is a man justified in his fifties to shun new relationships because the cost of error is too high, or is that just selfishness, or simple fear?
Are women truly uninterested in mens dreams, or do some men choose companions poorly?
