Free Happiness
James, wait up! Hang on, would you?
James slowed his pace, glancing back.
Behind him, hurrying along the narrow path towards the small, two-storey brick house, was Lily, a sixteen-year-old girl in tall boots, a skirt, a short white faux fur coat, and a wool scarf tied around her head. A few dark chestnut curls peeped out from beneath the knitted headscarf, matching her eyes, rich hazel-green and shining, as if she might break down in tears at any moment. It made Lily look fragile, helplesssomeone youd want to protect.
She kept slipping and stumbling, but didnt slow down.
Lily, stop running! Youll fall, its slippery! James called out sternly. Seriously, dont run! Then again running suits you. Look at those rosy cheeks! You havent looked this pretty for ages. Must be getting better!
Lily grinned, came closer; James offered his hand, and she grasped it, winking at him.
What is it, then? he asked, looking around, then quickly kissed her on the cheek. Your mum told you not to see me said shed thrash me if she caught us, he sighed with exaggerated despair.
Lilys face fell as she looked down, twisting the handle of her satchel in her hands. But she soon smiled again.
James, theyre just making empty threats! Theyll never touch you! Come to the cinema with me tonight? I already got the tickets. Look!
She pulled off her mitten and opened her palm to show two paper stubs.
James covered Lilys hand with his own large one, feeling the heat there, tracing his thumb over her slender, pianist-like fingers.
The pictures, is it? I dunno, got things to do he began with a frown, as if remembering something. Lily whipped her hand back, quickly tugging her mitten on. But if youre asking, lets go then, he nodded, then grumbled, What is it tonight? Soppy love story again?
No, its a war film. Ben went, said it was brilliant! Lily shook her head so hard her curls bounced. But Im scared to go alone, and my mates all refused.
Ben? He talks nonsense… Go with him. Hes always up for anything. James straightened up, a little jealous. If she listens to him, then
Ben Forrest was in Lilys class: clever, a swot with a hunger for books. He wasnt into football or pranks, just forever studying and following rules and following Lily with eager eyes. That annoyed James, but Ben was never a serious rival too meek, too soft. And Lily was drawn to lively, bold blokes like James.
The trouble was, after last years bit of drama with her mum, James was banned from the Parker house altogether, while Ben was practically welcomed with a red carpet. Mrs Parker Pauline always fussed over him, with a smile just for Ben.
Im not listening to him! Lily snapped. If its you Im asking, its because I dont want the others. Will you come, or not?
She blushed, eyes narrowing.
That made James smile. He nodded.
Alright. Ill come along. If youre scared He grumbled playfully, And me? Typical. They all want to give me nightmares! Ill be up wailing tonight Gran Maryll be scared!’
He winked at Lily, and she burst out laughing, waving her hand:
Youre not scared of anything! Right meet you at the cinema at ten to seven. Ive got to dash. Mums making coleslaw the kitchens swimming in cabbage. See you!’
Lily spun on her heel and scurried away.
She lived with her parents two doors down from James, grew up with him, chasing sparrows, picking forbidden chokecherries, spitting pits for distance, always with James as her partner in mischief. They went to the same primary school, though he was two years ahead. The girls were forever jealous that James good-looking, popular paid so much attention to Lily. But to her, James was simply always there why wouldnt he look out for her?
Two winters ago, skiing on the village green, Lily suddenly fell ill the world spun, spots danced in her eyes. Her fall broke her leg. Lying groaning in the snowdrift, pain hammering in her temples and sweat running down her back, she was terrified shed always hated being hurt, ever since childhood. Even a splinter had been a battle. Now a whole broken leg
Of course, James was there. He always came running her cries, even as a child, were legendary on the street. Hed always show up, drawn by her voice. Now, grown up, her voice was softer but to James, just as precious.
While he carried Lily home, her injured leg swelled up in her boot so badly it had to be cut off. She clung to him with such force her nail marks lingered on his shoulder. He never uttered a word of complaint. Nothing was more important than Lily right then.
An ambulance came, and at hospital they told her, The leg will heal, but the heart is weak, listing conditions in Latin in her medical file. She was kept in a ward for so long that, by the time she got home, the winter snows had mostly melted.
Her leg healed slowly, itching beneath the cast. Lily grew grumpy, snappy, weepy but all changed the moment James arrived. Hed turn up with new ideas each visit: spread a giant map on her duvet and help her travel the world by proxy with toy cars or paper boats; or build gadgets from his Meccano set; or draw a comic paper. He made the days bearable.
When youre rid of that daft thing, hed nod at her plastered foot, well go somewhere. Anywhere youd like?
She shrugged.
I just want to go out. Mum says I need rest or my heart I probably cant even walk anymore.
Nonsense! James would gesture. Youve got to move about. My granddad Michael came back from the war almost crippled, but some professor visited and practically bent him into pretzels with all these exercises, and guess what, soon he was up and about, never looked back. Science never sits still! Theyll find a way for you too. Youll see! Just dont mope, Lily. Move, you little snail!’
He teased her by running off with her doll, making her clatter after him on crutches, fuming until he gave it back.
Lily, toys at your age? You sound like old Mrs Evans from the grocers always nattering about her ailments… Chin up, Lily! Well dance together yet
Lily! Lie down now! James, what do you think youre doing? She mustnt get worked up! Out you go! Mrs Parker would burst in, ushering James away.
But Aunt Pauline! hed protest as she pushed him to the door. Youll turn her into a dried kipper! She cant waste her life just lying there. Shes got to live! Enjoy herself, have a laugh!
Thats not your decision! Go home, James. Bens coming to help her with homework anyway. Shes missed enough already Mrs Parker would shake her head.
Ben? That bookworm? Maybe Ill stick around and listen in? James puffed out his chest then got a playful jab in the arm for his trouble.
Later, on the porch, Mrs Parker gripped James by the collar and pressed him up against the wall so fiercely that he lost his breath.
Listen, my lad! Keep your home-grown medical advice to yourself! Lilys condition is serious. She cant afford any upsets. She cant even have children the doctors say shed never survive it. And I want a living daughter, you hear? Dont you dare tell her, she dreams of a house full of children, family But now
Mrs Parker broke into tears, let go of James, and waved him away in the direction of his house.
It finally struck James, almost at his own doorstep: Lily was disabled. Her heart was truly that fragile.
She might die even tonight.
Gran Mary, watching from the porch, looked on as her grandson flung off his jumper and shirt, grabbed a pail, and poured ice-cold water down his back.
James! What on earth are you doing? Youll catch your death! she cried, hurrying for a towel.
James exhaled and shook his head, and his thoughts cooled with the water.
It cant be. She has her whole life. And shell live it, and shell be happy Ill make sure of that!
Gran Mary looked on, befuddled by his mutterings.
James, what are you stomping about for, keeping me up? Go to bed, lad, its late, you must be knackered!
Im going, sorry if I woke you. Ill have some tea and get to bed. Sleep well, Gran, sleep tight.
They lived alone. James only had hazy details about his parents vanished, really, or gone for good. Gran Mary told it muddled; she never wanted to admit his mum had given him up or that his dad was a complete mystery.
Lily was taken to doctors from time to time. Mrs Parker laid out home-made gifts, anything from their garden, always hoping some specialist would declare Lily cured. It never happened.
We dont have the means to cure this, not yet, the consultant said, spreading his hands. Maybe one day, thanks to science, shell recoverbut for now: complete rest, no excitement. Thousands live this way!
Of course, yes, of course, we understand Mrs Parker nodded. Ben, her friend, knows loads about this too, taught her to read more and keeps an eye on her exercise
Mum! Lily blushed, mortified by her mothers oversharing.
Nothing wrong with that, the doctor smiled. Bens a good lad, you hang on to him! Now, see you in three months.
He loosened his collar and watched them leave, then rang his own wife to ask for pancakes with their dinner. Something warm, soft for comfort.
So Lily lived, scared to take a wrong step, always monitored closely by her mother dont run, dont catch a chill, dont sweat, dont jump, dont
The cinema was stuffy, thick with tobacco smoke. All through the film, Lily clung to Jamess arm, then hid her tears in his shoulder when it ended.
Dont cry, Lily. It all works out! Sweetheart, whispered James, stroking her hair.
But the audience hissed and shushed them.
James, Im not feeling well. Can we go? Lily whispered.
Alright, lets.
They made their way toward the exit, cutting dark outlines against the bright shaft of light from the foyer before the door closed and darkness swallowed the hall again.
James led Lily to a bench in the bright lobby.
SitI’ll fetch you some water, he said.
The usher, watching from the side, shook her head disapprovingly.
So young Are you two even married? Whats the world coming to
She clearly figured Lily must be pregnant.
Not yet, but soon! James popped up beside her.
What? Lily stared, her world spinning again. Youre joking, right?
She grabbed James by the wrist, turning him to face her.
I dont joke about things like that, he said seriously. I meant to wait, but Lily, Im off to army training. When Im back, well get married. I promised youd see the world? Youll see penguins, I swear!
She nodded, softly.
Ill keep my word. Never mind what anyone else says. If you want to get better, you can. Well find the best doctors, and then youll have our baby! James spoke passionately, longing to kiss Lily there and then, but the ushers sharp gaze made it impossible.
Drink your water, and lets go outside, he said, taking her hand, but she slipped gently out of his grasp.
Is it true I cant ever have children? she asked, locking eyes with him.
James faltered, recalling Mrs Parkers request to hide the truth.
Well Lets not talk about that now. Well figure it out. Lets go for a walk.
Lily nodded, allowed James to help her into her coat and lead her outside. Then, turning away, she closed her eyes tight, biting her lip. Less than wholea less-than-woman, unable to start her own family. What future could there be?
Then James came up with a new plan to cheer Lily up: he took her to Chris Porters house, who let them have a go on his motorbike. Lily put on a helmet, sat in front of James, and off they went the world narrowed to Jamess arms around her waist, the pounding of her heart, noise and wind. And, for a while, all the worries of children and sickness and doctors faded away.
but that night, Lilys parents had to ring the doctor, who gave her an injection.
Why arent you looking after this child? the doctor scolded in the hall. Shes clearly under stress! Exams soon, too, no doubt!
Lily tried to explain, saying it was just a scary film, and that shed recover.
Were you with James? her mum demanded after the doctor left.
Yes. James is good. He always tells me the truth. All of it about not being able to have children.
Lily burst into tears once again.
Ill break his back! her dad, John Parker, muttered, fists clenched.
No, Dad! Dont touch him! Hes the best! Your Ben cant compare to him!
To bed! John thundered, switching off the light and steering his wife off toward their own room. James has his call-up papers, lifell settle down now!
After that, Mrs Parker wouldnt let James step foot on their property, blaming him for everything.
Ill be with her anyway! And she’ll be happy again Ill cure her, you hear? Why lock her up, smother her? Shell dry up and fade away! Let her be young for a bit! Just before leaving for his barracks, James tried to see Lily, but Mrs Parker wouldnt let him in. James nearly started a fight, so desperate to see his Lily. Let me in or Ill climb through the bloody window!
John came to the door, a shotgun in hand.
Going to shoot me, Mr Parker? Go on then! Whats one more or less? Nobody wants me except Gran Mary, do they? So if you do, at least you can tell Lily Ive gone. She wont be upset, will she?
James deliberately stood, his chest wide and proud, face to face with John as the barrel pressed against him. Pauline stifled a scream with her hand.
John stared him down for a minute, then lowered the gun.
Youre a foolish boy, James. Maybe the army will teach you sense. Go on. Lilys sleeping dont wake her. Do it for your gran, he said coldly.
Without realising, both parents had decided: all their problems started with James. Hed taken Lily for that fateful walk, taught her skiing, introduced everything that went wrong. If only he disappeared from their lives!
Dont fret, love maybe hell like the army and stay. Hell forget Lily. Go check she didnt overhear.
Pauline tiptoed to her daughters room all quiet. She didnt see that Lily, having slipped out of bed and standing barefoot by the window, was silently watching Jamess retreating back.
Look at me, just look, she pleaded in her mind.
And, as if feeling her stare, James turned, adjusted his cap theatrically and, ever so slightly, waved. Lily understood.
James did not come back for four years. Lily never knew, her parents never said but he was sent to Afghanistan; there, he was reported missing. Gran Mary passed away before his return. Lily wasnt allowed to go to the funeral and was told to focus on her studies.
Every letter Lily sent to Jamess barracks went unanswered.
No replies yet, Lily? Anna, the postmistress, would ask sympathetically when Lily visited the post office. Ah well, hes busy, Im sure. Or maybe never mind, life goes on. Oh look theres Ben! Such a clever lad, almost an academic. Looks like hes searching for you, Lily. Off you go!
James finally returned one autumn. His old house greeted him with silence, the air heavy with the smell of damp. Rain had seeped through the ruined roof, brown stains running down the wallpaper. Gran Marys wool scarf still lay on the sofa. In the corner, well-loved icons gathered dust on her bedside table.
He slumped at the kitchen table, closing his eyes. Everything was as before but not the same, not really. Or maybe he was the one whod changed.
After a sleepless night, James dressed and set out for Lilys house. Mrs Parker was hanging laundry in the yard.
Mrs Parker! he called, flicking his cigarette away. You havent changed a bit!
It felt like centuries had passed since he left.
Whos that? Whos there? she squinted.
Its me, James. Can I come in?
Without waiting for an answer, he opened the gate and strode up the path, eyes seeking Lilys window. The curtains were drawn, the flowerpots gone.
She moved, James. Didnt you Survived, have you? Well So youre back then Mrs Parkers hands fiddled with her scarf. Shes in York now. Ben got into university there they all went together.
Whats Ben got to do with it?
Theyre married, James. Lily didnt want to stay. We thought you were dead. So she went with him. Bens got family there. She sent a letter: shes at university, too, thanks to Ben helping her Back when your gran died, Lily took it badly had to call the doctor again But Ben was always there, he supported us. James, shes settled now. Dont disrupt them let them find happiness.
She looked at him, pleading.
Lily never loved that bookworm! James retorted, spitting on the ground.
That was before. When you disappeared, she came to her senses. Hes steady, looks after her. Please, James, dont turn up in her life again.
James didnt reply. He turned away and left. Mrs Parker heaved a sigh and went inside. Ben was reading at the table. Ben had even gotten Mr Parker hooked on books…
James, weary with the emptiness of his grandmothers house, packed a rucksack, boarded up the windows, added a padlock to the gate. He went to the churchyard, stood by Gran Marys grave, listened to the birds. Quietly, he slipped his cross from his neck, leaving it on her gravestone.
Sorry, Gran Mary
And left.
James grew hard, reckless, never taking no for an answer. He clashed with everyone, led others, sometimes bruising hands and hearts. He made deals not always honest ones and held money, not always clean. But what he was really searching for was something else.
Finding Lily would have taken all of five minutes. York, university, Ben the geniusthey didnt exactly blend in. That wasnt what he was looking for. He sought a solution.
After several years running various businesses car parts, antiques, groceries, trading James made it into the world of medical equipment, built contacts with top doctors worldwide.
Why are you after cardiac specialists? asked Dr Robinson, a heart surgeon in London. Weve always got the best minds here! Whats the story?
Nothing really. Just want to help someone. Someone live well James stumbled.
You need the details proper diagnosis, recent tests, Dr Robinson insisted. We cant work off a vague story from a decade ago.
James nodded, grabbing his briefcase as he left. Silence filled the surgery corridor, interrupted only by the occasional cough or nurses slippers on the tiles…
Where are you off to? Iris stood in the hallway, tying her dressing gown tighter. The flat was chilly James had left the windows open. Its five in the morning. Off again?
James shrugged, apologetic.
Sorry, didnt mean to wake you. Got to go, work trip. Might be away a couple of days. Dont worry about me. And no visitors, alright?
Iris raised her hands in surrender, sent a kiss.
Understood, my lord. Not stopping for breakfast?
No time, sorry.
He quietly closed the door, boots thudding down the stairs.
She knew he didnt love her. He never pretended otherwise. But it worked, and they found comfort together: she felt secure, he felt cared for. Sometimes, what more could you want in this complicated world?
James, were pleased with your offer equipments always valuable but patient records, thats a different matter! Across the table at a restaurant sat a wiry little man nervy, gnawing at his blue fingernails, stopping only to flatten his palm on the table. You must be testing me, some government check? I never share, never! Mrs Lily Parker? No, I dont recall. For supplies see the chief, the admin, thats not me
He was sweating, eyes darting.
Calm down, Dr Turner, James chuckled. Im not from anyone. How much for the info? Dont be shy moneys no issue. Lilys an old friend, her husband keeps her under lock and key with pills, clinics, blood tests every week. Oh, she works alright cant have the bosss wife sitting at home all day, and he gets plenty of perks. Even has a car she takes the bus; he holidays abroad while shes told to stay put, ‘bad for her health.’ Now theyve got a son, even though doctors warned her not to risk it. Ben teaches that poor lad day and night looks half his age, pale as a ghost. All the while Bens tanned, healthy, living off Lilys allowance. Drinks the milk the NHS prescribes for her. Loves coffee though, old Ben
James let his words linger, wanting to pound the table, but in the restaurant, decorum was required.
Youre a dangerous man, James! Dangerous! Dr Turner hissed, shrinking in his seat. Youd tear apart a world thats not yours. Thats criminal!
Criminal is marrying a sick woman for personal gain! James snapped, now attracting curious glances. I dont care about his world! Lily and her boy deserve better! So, listen just let me see her file, and were done. Youll get your supplies, your money and peace of mind. Its just a deal you save a life, cover school fees for your lad. Now, lets talk outside.
They walked out into a drizzle, wind snapping their scarves.
How much? Dr Turner asked finally.
James named the figure. Dr Turner nodded, pulled out a folder from his briefcase hed had it the whole time: just haggling. James grinned, slipped an envelope into his briefcase, and left.
Lily walked through a side street, lost in thought. She had to go to the clinic again tomorrow an awkward appointment, work would have to manage without her. Then her sons parent meeting next week, Bens parents visiting soon, so shed need to prepare the spare room. She had so much to do but for now, she simply walked and breathed. That was enough.
A motorbike whizzed by, with a girl hugging the rider. Lily smiled, recalling similar rides with James, mist and laughter swirling behind them, neighbours houses spinning past.
Lily! a shout stopped her. Lily, hello!
She turned. James.
I need to talk to you now, its urgent! he pulled her onto a bench off the pavement. Can we sit somewhere?
James Jamie she whispered, running her hands over his sleeves, chest, reaching his face. Gran Mary was half-convinced youd never be back
Tears rolled down Lilys cheeks. James took her in his arms, tight, gentle, and for the first time she knew for sure hed always be there for her.
Shall we head to a café? he suggested after a while.
Why? Come to ours. Ben and our son, Harry, are home already you can meet Harry at last.
I cant go in its private, really, just for you.
Alright theres a canteen over there, lets go.
They sat. James fumbled for words, then began:
Lily, you have to come with me. The paperworks a fuss, but Ill help with that.
Where to? she asked nervously.
I found a specialist Dr Robinson, my friend. Hes found a treatment for your heart condition. Theres an operation, and if it works, youll feel so much better! And Ben wont need to baby you, drag you to endless check-ups
Hes not dragging me. Hes just worried, Lily shook her head. Youve got the wrong end of the stick
I know what goes on! I know he takes your car, I know about everything. But forget him Ive taken care of it all, paid in advance. All you have to do is come. The best people in the field are waiting to see you!
Wait, James. Tell me about yourself. Married? What do you do? Youve changed I barely recognized you but I like it.
Like what? James croaked.
All mysterious now. Aloof, even scary at times youre not mixed up in bad things?
Long ago, I was. Started at the bottom nothing big, small-time trading, squabbling over territory. Then things picked up, I cleaned up, learnt proper English. Moved into business, importing gear. That sort of thing. Now, I just help supply people with what they need.
Harrys learning English too. Ben got him a tutor. Homes the same have you been?
Not for years. Not important Look, Lily, Ive set up everything they only need your papers and you. Take medical leave Ill sort the rest.
James grew anxious, as if time was running out.
Lily? Harrys waiting for tea. Still in the canteen, are you? Ben suddenly appeared. I was late at the office, saw you through the window, and oh! James? Well, fancy that.
Bens face, always pale, looked like stone. He tugged Lily gently.
Wait, Ben. James had an offer I havent had time to ask all the details
Lily could sense trouble brewing, grew pale with dread.
Lets get you in the open air. Take your pill, Lily, now! Under the tongue, thats it! Ben fussed, while James followed, shaking his head.
The house was chilly with the faint smell of soup lingering. Harry watched James curiously.
James, he introduced himself, shaking the boy’s hand.
Harry, eat in your room, please. Were having a chat with James, said Ben sternly.
Lily took Harry his supper and kissed him before returning to the kitchen.
So, Ben prodded when Lily left, whats this all about, then? Wheres your fortune made? Still single? Lily, get him a bit of pie. Eh?
No, not married. But Ive found a clinic abroad a top heart hospital with a treatment for Lily. Its rare now, but our specialists are collaborating with them. Full care, new life, just as before. Lily, say something wont you?
Lily, fetch Harry some tea, please, Ben ordered gently.
Once they were alone, his tone turned dark:
And whats she supposed to say? You show up out of nowhere, drag her abroad with lord-knows-what money for some surgery. Then what? What about me, about our son? Suppose it goes wrong, she never comes back you planning any of that? Our lifes fine, theres nothing to save. Worry about yourself! Dont mess in whats not yours! Where were you all these years? Getting up to god-knows-what. While we scraped by, and I was the one cleaning up cleaning her wounds, looking after her and our son. Shes mine I know what she needs!
Now youre listing your medals, are you? James stood, looming over Ben. Shes not an object. Shes got to be given a chance to really live, not just exist. You happy using her car? Shell be driving herself if she gets better! Shame on you, Ben, hiding behind Lily! If she goes, shell become herself again
Im not going anywhere, James. Im staying here this is my life. Im scared, James, love What if I dont wake up from surgery, what if I die Harrys still a child. Im alright, really. This is enough for me.
Lily hugged James, resting her head on his back.
Lets all have a cuppa weve got cakes and chocolates! she smiled. And then, James, youll go home, alright?
James didnt stay for tea. He grabbed his jacket and left without saying goodbye.
Walking down the street, elbowing through the crowd, James couldnt understand ithow could someone turn down a better life? Everything was ready. Hed sold his best business to pay for her treatment for nothing, in the end.
Hed knocked on so many doors, pleaded with so many people for nothing.
Maybe you just wanted to prove to Ben you were the better man that Lily would come back to you no matter what. But you were wrong. You lost! His mind hissed at him, and then it went black, just a dull ache left.
Iris was home, awake.
Hello, she greeted gently in her old flowery dressing gown. I made soup. Want some? I think its alright
She moved to him and wrapped her arms around his big, cold body.
Whats wrong? James was startled.
I was frightened you wouldnt come home that youd decide to stay with her
Iris sniffed, clung to him tighter.
Silly girl howd I go on without you, eh? Suddenly, James felt like a massive weight had lifted off his shoulders. He didnt owe anyone a thing not even himself. He could just get on with his life, marry Iris, raise a family together. That would be their life their home. Others could live as they pleased.
Sometimes, happiness is simple: you just allow yourself to have it.
Iris watched as James eagerly tucked into her soup, and she smiled knowing they finally had their own little family, too. She was sure of it.
