Heartless

Soulless
Claudia Sanders returned home, feeling refreshed after her usual trip to the hairdresser.
Despite her ageshe had just turned 68she still treated herself to regular visits.
Claudia liked to keep her hair tidy, her nails neat, and these little rituals always lifted her spirits, putting her in a good mood.
Claudia, some relative of yours came by while you were out, said her husband, George.
I told her youd be home later and she said shed pop round again.
What relative?
I dont have any left.
Probably some distant cousin, here to ask for something.
You should have told her Id moved to the far ends of the earth, Claudia grumbled.
Now, why would I lie?
She seemed like shes from your side of the familytall, dignified, reminded me a bit of your mother, God rest her soul.
Didnt seem the begging type, honestly.
Very refined lady, well-dressed, George reassured her.
About forty minutes later, the relative rang the doorbell.
Claudia answered, inviting her inside.
The woman did indeed resemble Claudias late mother and was impeccably dressedan expensive coat, smart boots, gloves, and diamond earrings.
Claudia knew quality when she saw it.
Claudia invited her guest to sit at the already-laid table.
Well, lets get acquainted, since were family.
Im Claudiano need for the formalities.
You look close to my age.
This is my husband George.
And you, how exactly are we related? Claudia inquired.
The woman hesitated, blushing slightly.
Im HelenHelen Williams.
There isnt much of an age gap between us.
I turned fifty on June 12th.
Does that date mean anything to you?
Claudia turned pale.
I see you remember.
Yes, Im your daughter.
Please, dont worryI dont need anything from you.
I only wanted to see my birth mother.
I spent my whole life not understanding why my mum didnt love me.
By the way, shes been gone eight years now.
I only ever felt love from my father, who passed just two months ago.
He told me about you before he died and asked me to forgive him if I could, Helen told Claudia, her voice wavering.
What?
You have a daughter? George gasped, shocked.
Apparently so.
Ill explain it all to you later, Claudia replied.
So, youre my daughter?
Wonderful!
Youve seen me now.
If you expect me to repent and ask forgiveness, youre mistaken; Im not guilty here, Claudia said, unflinching.
Hopefully your father told you everything.
If youre hoping Ill suddenly develop maternal feelings, youll be disappointed.
Sorry.
Can I visit again?
I live nearby, in the suburbs.
Weve got a big two-storey house.
Why dont you and George come over?
You can get used to the idea that I exist.
I brought photos of your grandson and great-granddaughter.
Maybe youd like to see them? Helen asked timidly.
No.
I dont want to.
Please dont come back.
Forget about me.
Goodbye, Claudia replied coldly.
George hailed Helen a taxi and walked her to it.
When he returned, Claudia had cleared the table and was watching television, relaxed.
My word, Claudia, youve nerves of steel!
You could command armies.
Dont you have a heart?
I always suspected you were ruthless, but not to this degree, George exclaimed.
We met when I was 28, right?
But my soul was trampled long before that.
I grew up in a village, always dreaming of escaping to the city.
Thats why I studied so hard and got into universityno one else in my class managed it.
When I was 17, I met Victor.
I adored him, though he was nearly 12 years older.
After my impoverished youth, the city was like a fairy tale.
My student grant wasnt enough for anything.
I was always hungry, so I loved his invitations to eat out or get some ice cream.
He never promised me anything, but I believed that such love meant hed marry me eventually.
One evening he invited me to his country cottage, and I agreed without hesitation.
I was sure that now he would be bound to me.
Those cottage meetings became routine.
Soon, it was obviousI was expecting his child.
I broke the news to Victor.
He was thrilled.
Knowing I couldnt hide it much longer, I asked when wed marry.
Id turned 18; we could apply at the registrars.
Did I ever promise marriage? Victor replied calmly.
No promises, and I wont marry you.
Im already married, in fact, he said, unperturbed.
But what about the child?
What about me?
Youre young and healthy.
You could be a model for the Girl with the Oar statue.
Take a break from university if you need.
Study as long as you can, then youll stay with my wife and me.
We cant have childrenperhaps because my wife is older.
When you give birth, well take the baby.
How its arranged is not your concern.
Im well connected in the council.
My wife heads an NHS department.
Dont worry about the child.
Well pay you after the birth.
Back then, no one talked about surrogate mothers.
I was probably Englands only surrogate mother at the time.
What was I meant to do?
Go back to the village and disgrace my family?
I lived in Victors house up until the birth.
His wife never visited my part of the homemaybe she felt jealous.
I delivered the baby at home, with a midwife brought in.
Everything was proper.
I never nursed the little girl; she was taken away immediately.
I never saw her again.
A week later, they politely saw me off, Victor handed me money.
I went back to university.
After graduating, I worked at a factory.
They gave me a room in the married staff hostel.
I worked first as a supervisor, then as a senior quality inspector.
I had many friends, but no one asked me to marry until you came along.
I was already 28didnt really want marriage, but it was time.
You know the rest.
Weve had a comfortable lifechanged three cars, the house is always full, garden tidy.
We went on holiday every year.
The factory survived the Nineties because only one workshop could make certain tractor parts, no one knows what goes on elsewhere.
The place is still fenced off, guarded.
We retired on generous pensions.
Everything we need is here.
No children, and thats fine.
Honestly, seeing what children are like these days Claudia finished her tale.
We havent really lived well, Claudia.
I loved you.
Spent my life trying to warm your heart, and never succeeded.
Fine, no children, but youve never shown affection for a kitten or a puppy, not even once.
My sister asked you to help her nieceyou wouldn’t even let her stay with us for a week.
Today your daughter came, and how did you greet her?
Your own flesh and blood If we were younger, Id have filed for divorce, but now its too late.
Its cold with you, Claudia, so cold, George said, angered.
Claudia was a bit afraid; George had never spoken to her so sharply.
Her calm life was shattered by the arrival of her daughter.
George moved to their cottage and spends his days there.
In recent years, hes lived mostly at the cottage, where hes adopted three stray dogs and goodness knows how many cats.
He seldom comes home.
Claudia knows he visits Helen, her daughter, and has met everyone there.
Hes especially fond of his great-granddaughter.
Always was a sentimental fool, and always will be.
Let him live as he pleases, Claudia thinks.
The urge to meet her daughter, grandson, and great-granddaughter never came.
She goes to the seaside alone, relaxes, gathers her strength, and feels perfectly content.
Yet, in the quiet, Claudia never realises that comfort without compassion can make life feel strangely empty.
One can have every luxury and yet still lack what gives life its warmtha heart open to others.