I could never be your mother, nor could I love you, but I shall care for you, and I hope you won’t take it to heart. After all, life with us will be better than the orphanage.
That difficult day is still etched in my memory. John was burying his sister. Wayward though she was, she was his own kin. For nearly five years, they’d not spoken, and then came this tragedy.
Elizabeth did her best to support John, trying to take much of the burden upon herself.
Yet, after the funeral, another matter awaited us, no less serious. Irene, John’s sister, had left behind a young son. The assembled relatives, gathered to say their goodbyes, promptly placed the responsibility on Irenes younger brother.
Who, if not his uncle, should care for the boy? There was no discussion; everyone understood it as the only right thing.
Elizabeth understood, and while she did not protest, there was one caveat. She had never wanted childrennot her own, and certainly not someone else’s.
That decision had been made long ago. She’d told John the truth before their wedding, and he’d simply brushed it aside. Who truly thinks about children in their early twenties? No, they agreed to live for themselves, just as they had decided ten years prior.
But now, she was faced with welcoming an unfamiliar child into their home. There was no alternative. John would never allow his nephew to be sent to an orphanage, and Elizabeth could not broach the subject.
She knew she could never love the boy or replace his mother. He was wise beyond his years, perceptive and quick, and Elizabeth resolved to be honest with him.
William, would you rather live with us or at the orphanage?
I want to live at home, by myself.
But you cant, youre only seven. Youll have to choose.
Then with Uncle John.
Very well, youll come with us. But I must tell you something. I cannot be a mother to you, nor can I love you, but I will care for you, and you mustnt be upset. Life with us will be better than at the orphanage.
With the formalities partly resolved, we finally returned home.
Elizabeth thought, after that frank conversation, she neednt pretend to be the doting aunt. She could simply be herself. Feeding him, doing his laundry, helping with homeworknone of it bothered her. But pouring her heart out was a step too far.
And young William, still, never forgot he was unloved, and tried his utmost to behave, so he wouldnt be sent away.
At home, William was to have the smallest room. It needed to be redecorated for a boy.
Choosing wallpaper, furniture, decorthese were things Elizabeth adored. She poured herself into preparing the room. William chose the wallpaper, and she handled the rest. Elizabeth did not scrimp on expenses; she was generous, just not fond of children, so the room turned out splendid.
William was delighted! Pity his mother couldnt see what a fine room he now had. And oh, if only Elizabeth might one day love him. She was good and kind, just not fond of children.
He pondered this often before falling asleep.
William found joy in everythingthe circus, the zoo, the fairhe expressed his excitement so openly that Elizabeth herself began to enjoy their outings. She loved surprising William and watching his face light up.
In August, she and John planned to fly to the seaside, leaving William with a close relative for ten days.
Yet, almost at the last minute, Elizabeth changed her mind. She very much wanted William to see the sea. John was surprised by her change of heart, but he was gladhe had grown deeply attached to the boy.
William was nearly content! If only he was loved as well. Well, at least he would see the sea!
The trip was a success. The water was warm, the fruit sweet, and the mood joyous. But all good things must end, and so did the holiday.
Normal life resumed. Work, home, school. Yet, something in their small world had changeda sense of newness, of quiet delight, anticipation.
And then the miracle occurred. Elizabeth brought back new life from the seaside. How could this happen, when theyd spent years avoiding such surprises?
Elizabeth did not know what to do. Should she tell John or decide for herself? After Williams arrival, she no longer felt sure John was as steadfastly childless as he once claimed. He loved playing with William, helped him with pleasure, and sometimes took him along to football matches.
Elizabeth had already accomplished one feat; she wasnt ready for a second. She made her choice on her own.
She was sitting at the clinic when the school rang. William had been taken by ambulance, suspected of appendicitis. Everything had to be postponed.
She rushed to the hospital’s admissions. William lay pale and shivering on the couch. Upon seeing Elizabeth, he burst into tears.
Elizabeth, please dont leave. Im frightened. Be my mum just today, pleasejust one day and Ill never, ever ask again.
He clung to her hand as tears poured down his cheeks; it felt like a real crisis. Shed never seen him cry, save for the day of the funeral.
It broke her heart.
Elizabeth pressed his hand to her cheek.
My boy, hold on a just little. The doctor will come, and all will be well. Im here, right beside you, and I wont go anywhere.
God, how she loved him in that moment! That boy, with shining eyes, was her greatest treasure.
Childless by choicewhat nonsense. That very evening she would tell John about the baby to come. She reached her decision the instant William, in pain, squeezed her hand even tighter.
Ten years have passed.
Today, Elizabeth is approaching a milestonecelebrating her forty-fifth birthday. There will be guests, best wishes. For now, with a cup of coffee, she reflects.
How quickly time has flown. Gone are youth and early years. Shes a woman now, happily married and a mother of two wonderful children. William is nearly eighteen, and Sophie is ten. She has no regrets.
Well, except for one thingthose words about not loving. How she wishes William would forget she ever said them, that they might never be remembered.
After that day at the hospital, Elizabeth tried, as often as possible, to remind William of her love. But whether he remembers her first truth, she never dared ask.
