I can’t forget him, even after ten years. How do I carry on?
I was just 23 when I went to study in England. Young, naive, and full of hopes and dreams – I never imagined how one encounter could turn my life upside down, leaving a lasting mark that hasn’t faded.
On my very first day at university, fate brought me to James. He was a decade older, British, reserved, calm – completely different from the type of men I was usually drawn to. But the moment our eyes met, it was as if the world had faded away. Two dozen people sat around the table, yet I only saw him. Something inside me shifted. It felt like I had known him forever, like I had been searching for him all my life and finally found him.
We kept running into each other and discovered we had mutual friends. Gradually we grew closer, and soon our story began. He started learning Polish, I took up English. It was pure euphoria. In his arms, I felt truly myself; his voice held a tenderness I had only known from movies. I was happy. Until the moment I discovered he was married, with a wife and child back in the UK.
My world collapsed in an instant. I wanted to leave, break it off, forget him, but I couldn’t. He revealed he was planning to divorce – his wife had been unfaithful, their relationship was long over, he was just waiting for the right moment. I was torn, suffering, and eventually, I returned home to Poland, broken-hearted.
For three months, I didn’t leave the house. The only person I spoke to was James. Each day, for hours, we talked on Skype. He stayed by me in this personal hell. When I decided to return to England, he met me at the airport with flowers and a warm meal he’d cooked himself. He always cared, always asked if I had money, if I was cold, or if I had eaten. He was like an older brother and yet, my love.
But soon things fell apart again. James’s wife decided not to divorce – for their child’s sake. He couldn’t leave her, couldn’t abandon his son. He honestly told me we had no future. Once more, I was left alone, with my heart shattered.
A year passed, and I still couldn’t forget him. Then Harry entered my life – another Brit from the same city as James. We started dating, and I later became pregnant and gave birth. Though we weren’t married, we lived like a family. Throughout this time, I kept in touch with James. He’d ask about me through mutual friends, showing interest in how I was doing and how the child was. He hadn’t vanished from my life, though he was in the background.
And then, one day, on January 19th, Harry and I were set to marry. But for some reason, we postponed the wedding until the summer. Just two days later, on January 21st, James found me and told me he was finally divorced. He was free. And I realized I couldn’t marry Harry. I couldn’t deceive him or myself.
I told Harry the truth. That all these years, I loved someone else. That I couldn’t forget. That I had tried, fought the feeling, but it was stronger than me. James also admitted he had never forgotten me and thought of me all this time.
I introduced James to my child. He suggested we live together. Even though my heart was heavy with guilt towards Harry, I knew I had no choice. I had lived in the past for too long. For ten years, I tried to erase James from my memory, but he was there every moment.
I don’t want to take the child away from Harry. I don’t want to hurt him. He’s a good person and a wonderful father. But you don’t choose love. It either exists, or it doesn’t.
Now I stand at a crossroads. My heart is torn between pain and hope. I look into my child’s eyes, unsure how to explain that sometimes, to find happiness, you have to step into the unknown. I look into James’s eyes and see that same spark I saw on the day we first met.
Ten years ago, I didn’t know what true love was. Now I do. But this love has brought so many tears and losses, that I’m not sure I can ever be truly happy. And yet… I choose it. Because I have never felt anything stronger in my life.
