Wednesday evening found me in the kitchen, up to my elbows in soapy water, scrubbing plates, when Harry wandered in. Without a word, he flicked off the kitchen light.
Its light enough, you know. No need to burn through electricity, he muttered with a scowl.
I kept my voice steady. I wanted to put a wash on.
Do it at night, Emma. Its cheaper then, he shot back coolly. And you shouldnt turn the water on full blast, you waste so much. Cant you see that every drop down the drain is money lost?
He twisted the tap till it dribbled miserably. I stared at him, defeated, wiped my damp hands, then sat at the table. The old wooden chair creaked under me.
Harry, do you ever look at yourselfreally look? I asked quietly.
He snorted bitterly, Every day, Emma. What a silly question.
And what do you see? I pressed on.
You mean as a man? he asked, eyebrows raised.
As a husband. As a father.
Im a husband, he replied simply. A father. Just like everyone else. Nothing special. Not worse, not better. What are you getting at?
So every dad out there is just like you? I prodded.
He scowled even deeper. Do you want to have a row, Emma? Is that it?
But I knew, deep down, that there was no going back. We had to talk this throughall the way throughuntil he finally understood what it was like living with him.
Harry, do you know why youve never left me all these years? I asked gently.
Why should I leave you? He let out a crooked laugh.
For one, because you dont love me, I answered, heart thudding. And you certainly dont love our kids.
Harry opened his mouth, but I hurried on.
And dont bother denying it. In fact, you dont love anyone. Thats not even up for discussion, so lets not waste our time. What I want to talk about is why you never walked away from me and the children.
He leaned against the counter. Alright, why?
Because youre tight-fisted, I said. To you, a break-up would be a huge financial loss, and you couldnt stand it. How many years has it been, Harry? Fifteen? What have we achieved? Besides getting married and having children, what have we done these years?
He shrugged. Weve still got lots of life ahead of us.
Not all of it, Harry, I said softly. Thats the thing. Not all. And in all that time, have we ever once gone for a seaside holiday? Not even to Brighton for a week, let alone abroad. We spend all our holidays in the city. We dont even go for a day out picking blackberries. Why? Because its too expensive.
Were saving, for the future, Harry snapped.
We? I scoffed. Or are you just saving for yourself?
For you and the kids, obviously, he answered.
Is that so? I said, forcing a serious tone. Every month, for fifteen years, youve stashed our money away all for me and the kids?
He smirked. Who else? Youve no idea how much Ive saved.
Oh? In our account? Or yours? I asked. Because all I know is Ive been wearing the same dresses since our wedding day, or whatever Jessicayour brothers wifepasses on to me. The children wear their cousins castoffs too. And as for living arrangementsI have to keep sharing with your mum.
Mum gave us two rooms, he said flatly. You should be grateful to her. And as for the kids, whats the point of wasting money on new clothes when their cousins old ones are perfectly fine?
And for me? I asked. Whose clothes should I be wearing?
He glared at me. Who do you think you need to dress up for? Its ridiculous. Youre thirty-five, Emmamother of two. Clothes are hardly your big priority now.
What should it be then? I asked quietly.
Think about lifes meaning, Harry said. Theres more to life than clothes and all that other womens rubbish. Think about something higher, something worthwhile.
You mean like spiritual growth, I shot back.
Exactly.
So thats why every penny stays in your account, and you dont give us any? For our spiritual development?
You cant be trusted with money, he snapped, suddenly shouting. Youd blow it in a week! And what would we live on if something happened? Have you thought of that?
What would we live on if something happened? Harry, tell me, when are we actually going to start living at all? Cant you see we already live like something happened? We always have!
He glared at me, silent, bitter.
You pinch pennies on soap, toilet roll, even napkins, I went on. You bring home the soap and hand cream from work. The free stuff.
Take care of the pennies and the pounds will look after themselves, he retorted dryly. No point wasting money on silly things.
Then give me a rough estimate, Harry. How many more years do we have to hold out? Ten? Fifteen? Twenty? How long until you think we can actually live decently and buy proper toilet roll? Im thirty-fiveshould I wait till Im forty?
He said nothing.
Let me guess, I continued, Fortys still too soon to live properly. How about fifty? No? Sixty? Will that be long enough? Will there be enough in the account by then for me to finally buy a dress and let the children have something new?
Still nothing.
What if we dont make it to sixty? I said, almost trembling now. Its possible, you know, with the way we livesaving every penny, eating the cheapest rubbish that just fills us up but does us no good. Were always in a bad mood, Harry. People dont live long like that.
If we move out from mums and start eating better, we wont save a penny, Harry pointed out.
No, we wont, I agreed. Thats exactly why Im leaving you. Im done. I dont want to save money anymore. You love hoarding; I dont.
How are you going to live? he asked, wide-eyed.
Ill manage. Ill rent us a flat. I earn as much as you. Therell be enough. And most of allI wont have to put up with your constant lectures about water, gas, electricity, and money ever again. Ill use the washing machine in the daytime and not care if I leave a light on by mistake. Im buying the softest toilet paper, Harry. Proper paper napkins for the table, too. And Ill shop for clothes and food when I want, with no waiting for sales.
You wont be able to save a thing! Harry shouted.
Why not? I said, head held high. Ill probably save your child support payments for the kids. Or maybe I wont. Youre right. I wont save a single penny, but not because I cant. Because I choose to actually live my life. Ill spend every last poundeven the maintenance. Weekends, the kids will be with you and your mum. Imagine all that free time for metrips to the theatre, restaurants, museums. Come summer, Ill take the children to the sea. I havent decided wherecould be Cornwall, could be Norfolkbut I will decide. Once Im free of you, I will!
The colour drained from Harrys face. I could almost see him doing the math in his head: maintenance, rent, weekend expenses… But what seemed to sting him most was the thought of me spending our hard-saved money on actual living, on seaside holidays. To him it was as if I was just burning his money.
I almost forgot the best part, I said calmly. That account you hoard the money in? Well split it.
How? he stammered.
Straight down the middle. However much youve saved in fifteen years. That share, Ill spend too. Im not saving for the future anymore, Harry. Im going to live right now.
He just sat there, mouth opening and closing uselessly, fear written all over him. Not fear for me or the children, but for himself.
You know what my biggest dream is, Harry? I said, my voice calm and true. When my time finally comes, I want my bank account at zero. Thats how Ill know I livedreally livedfor myself.
Two months later, we were divorced.
