Listen, Tom, grumbled William, tossing his jawbone like a pebble, I married her and she cant cook a proper roast nor wash a shirt without turning it into a rag. Im sitting on a log outside the neighbours house, watching my little cottage where my young wife used to sleep.
His neighbour, Nicholas, was fiddling with a spanner on his motorbike.
Thats right, Will, he said, you just celebrated the wedding. Let the old lady recover a bit after all that fuss.
What? I dont want to hear any more about the wedding. She wore me out that day.
Wore you out? Nicholas asked, his voice soft with sympathy.
William chewed a stray sunflower seed and frowned.
Exactly! She started mocking me the moment I showed up with the dowry. In the courtyard shed bustle about for half a day, solving riddles that made no sense, and then forced me to dance a gypsy jig until my new trousers ripped at the seams.
Fine, my old man gave me those trousers, and I married her anyway. By the time I got to her bedroom Id walked through a dozen circles of hell, only to find shed bolted out the window and fled. The whole village searched for half a day, found her laughing in the lane, saying shed changed her mind. When I trampled her bouquet she broke down and started bawling. She says I dont get jokes. At the ceremony she pretended to be a bird, looking as if I forced her into matrimony. At the banquet she wouldnt let me touch her for fear of staining her dress. Tsk, Will, she said, youve been eating fried fish with greasy fingers. My dress is priceless, not a napkin for you. So, Colin, dont even mention the wedding.
Nicholas set the spanner down and scratched under his cap.
Alright, Will, Ill keep quiet. My sisterinlaw, Katie, is gentle; shes never caused a scene like this.
Exactly! All women are normal, except the one I got, a real handful. I get up at dawn, do all the chores, and she just lies there sleeping! At least she could put the kettle on.
Does she want any work?
Nicholas looked surprised.
She wont look for a job. Says she needs a break after school. Meanwhile her mother and aunt slip her cash for hairpins and clips, otherwise shed keep nagging me.
Nicholas swiveled his thought, stared at his friend.
Sounds like a rotten spot youre in, Will. Youve found yourself a lazy wife; send her packing until she bears a child. Try to make it work
Where did I hear that the Blackwell family raised a lazy girl? They bragged theyd struck gold with Lucy. Turns out they duped me. Now theyre off cheering, as if theyd tossed her overboard like ballast, leaving me the fool.
***
In the village the river whispered softly, crickets sang in the hedges, cows lowed now and then, a dog barked, and the rooster crowed at dawn. Tractors and motorbikes rumbled over the dusty lane, metal buckets clanged.
Colin! shouted Catherine from the cottage window, Dinners ready, come in.
Im on my way, Nicholas answered, wiping his hands on his overalls, glancing toward the newlyweds home. From the open windows he could hear everything.
Will, could you peel the potatoes? Ill get the onions, cooed Lily, her voice sweet as a kittens purr.
Why am I the one peeling? Thats a womans job, William muttered, hearing Nicholas call out.
Ha, Nicholas chuckled, theyre only making stew, but Ive already got my dinner on the table!
Im busy, Lily replied, Im untangling my hairpins.
Patience, love! Will shouted back, Ill be a proper lad, just like Sophia Loren when I roll my curlspeople say I look like her. Got videos, got DVDs, you know?
Nicholas shook his head, peering into the neighbours windows.
What will she answer, I wonder?
He dropped his bike, crouched, slipped silently into the yard and spied inside. There, Williams young wife twirled in the centre of the room, her hair piled high in a lofty bun. Nicholas squinted, trying to spot William, and saw him at the table, head bent over a bowl.
***
Nicholas ate his soup without appetite, glanced at his wifes satisfied face and sighed.
Can you imagine, Kat, how theyve taken Will for a ride?
What happened? she asked, surprised.
He married Lucy Blackwell, who just moved here from the city.
I remember, Catherine replied, she went to be a governess, never quite got the education.
Yes, shes a bit of a ditz, always dreaming of dances and fancy clothes. And Will, hes a fool for marrying in secret without asking anyone. Your sister, Mandy, is still hanging around the girls; he could have taken her instead.
Catherine turned her round, pancakeshaped face away. She didnt want to speak of her younger sister, Mandy, who was plump and clumsy, just like Catherine herself once was. In her youth shed been thin and spry, married off early before gaining weight, while Mandy had always been a chubby child. Over the years both had filled out, now looking like tiny, round loaves.
Later, music blared from the neighbours house, a female laugh echoing through the garden. Nicholas lifted an eyebrow and went to the windows. He watched, shook his head.
William, he called, finding him in the garden, tending tomato vines in his greenhouse.
Whats up, Nicholas?
Whats that ruckus in your house? Its louder than a fairground on a Sunday.
Its just Lucy, my city girl, dropped by. She turned the tape recorder on as soon as she arrived.
Nicholas snapped at him, How long will you put up with this nonsense, Will? Youre toiling in the fields while your wife giggles and makes a circus of herself. Shes gone fullblown! Shes married now, meant to be a mother and keep the hearth warm. You should chase her out, toss the recorder out the window, and get a proper womanno friends, just a good homemaker who knits socks in her spare time.
Williams face fell. He glared at his friend.
Go on then, Nicholas, tell your own wife what to do. Ill sort my mess myself.
***
The next day rain fell nonstop, a grey sky promising no sunshine. Catherine was in the kitchen brewing jam, while Nicholas shuffled from corner to corner.
Bored, love? she asked.
Go collect mushrooms. Put on your raincoat; fresh ones pop up after a downpour, she suggested.
No, I dont want to go alone.
Then fetch William.
Nicholas sighed.
Ha, hell probably be miffed with me.
He peered out the window and saw William trudging toward his house with a bag in hand.
Hello, neighbours, William said, pushing the door open with a creak.
Nicholas met him at the threshold.
Colin, Ive brought you some smoked fish I cured myself. Give it a try.
Nicholass frown melted into a smile.
Sounds brilliant, I love fish. Shall we have a brew in the kitchen?
Lets.
The men sat in silence over tea. At last Nicholas asked,
Hows the married life? Did the guest leave?
She left, William replied.
Nicholas crumpled the paper in his hand and went back to his work.
You treat your wife like that, Will? Whats she up to now?
Lucy? She went to the shop.
And what does she buy? A sack of dumplings and a lipstick, perhaps? My Kat says shes seen your wife lingering at the counter, ordering all sorts of cosmetics. A proper wife would bring home a loaf or a nice pastry, not just shampoo and nail polish.
Catherine, standing by the stove with a ladle, fell silent, her eyes dropping.
Let her buy what she likes. Shes always putting on makeup, William muttered.
Why?
Nicholas pressed, We thought it would be good if our wives became friends. My Kat could teach yours to keep a tidy house and cook proper meals, instead of fussing over useless things.
***
Lucy, we need to talk, William said.
Whats the matter, love?
His wife turned, eyes wide.
Lucy youre beautiful. What have you done to yourself? I cant make sense of it.
Lucy had dyed her thick chestnut hair white, added false lashes, and highlighted her brows.
You like it? she asked, beaming.
Indeed youre a whole new woman. You were pretty, now youre a stunner
Its my friend Tanya who did it. She works at a salon, gave me the lashes, the brows, the colour
Lucy was thrilled that neighbour Catherine was happy for her.
Why not? Im all for it, love. Im off to her house right now.
The young wife spritzed herself with sugary perfume, made a fuss over her dress, painted her lips, and went out.
She returned calmer, took off the fancy dress, slipped into a nightgown, washed her face, pulled her hair into a bun.
Will, she said, sitting on the edge of the sofa where he rested, are you complaining to the neighbours about me?
Me?
Yes, I heard everything If youre not happy, just say so! Why complain about other people, Will?
She clutched her face, began to sob. From that day she changed dramatically. She stopped staring at herself in the mirror, stopped admiring herself, started cleaning the house, baking pies. She visited the neighbours home every day, returned looking sullen, pondering something. Her smile and good humour vanished. No more laughter echoed in Wills oncecheerful home, no music played.
Then she simply ran off. Will got up early, found the bed empty, the house empty, only a note on the door:
Will, Ive thought it overI’m a bad wife. You keep nagging, complaining to the neighbours, saying life with me is hard. I cant go on. Lets part. Dont look for me; you wont find me. Goodbye.
What the hell? Will shouted, Lucy, my Lucy!
Neighbour Nicholas was the first to rush over.
She ran, and thats that. Shell find a road paved with a cheap blanket, a wild spirit. She probably doesnt like village life, maybe shes heading to the city itll be brighter there. I told you shed be a bad wife, and I was right. Dont worry, Will, well find you a proper working wife.
At that moment, the neighbours wife, Kate, and her younger sister, roundfaced Mandy, burst into Wills doorway with pots in hand.
Mandy, isnt she a wife for you? Nicholas joked. Will turned his face away, angry.
***
Nicholas peered from his window at the neighbours house, frowning.
Whats keeping him from staying home? Ive got no one to go fishing with. Kate!
What are you shouting about? Kate called from the kitchen, irritated.
Lately it seemed a black cat had run through the marriage of the neighbours. The friendship with the runaway Lucy had turned Catherines temperament sour, and that worried Nicholas.
Whats this about Kate? You act as if you cant manage without me Youve dumped all the housework on me, I cant breathe, I cant even sit down.
Nicholas rushed into the kitchen, concerned.
Why are you so tired?
Kate lifted her eyes to him.
Am I not a person in your eyes? Im a workhorse, a labouring horse? Im a woman, Colin. I want perfume, lipstick I want to look at myself in the mirror, go shopping in the town, try on dresses
Ah, Nicholas understood, now I see where the wind is blowing. Its Lucy, the neighbour, stirring you up.
Its not Lucys fault, Kate sighed. I cant see a life with you, Colin. I stand at the stove, the yard, the livestock When was the last time I danced? At the school prom with you. Oh, Colin
***
Will returned to the village, pleased, and hurried to nail the windows and doors of his house. Nicholas didnt even see his neighbour, but hearing the hammer, he ran over.
What are you doing, Will?
Nicholas halted at the gate, eyes wide.
Im moving, neighbour.
Where to?
Nicholass mouth fell open.
Im Colin, just relocating. To the town centre, theres a club and a café, somewhere to take a wife.
What wife? Lucy ran off.
Ive found someone
Will turned to his neighbour, smiling a grin as wide as the horizon.
Ive found my Lucy. Shes got a job in the town centre, rented a little flat Im heading there.
Nicholas was flabbergasted, his shout turning into a scream.
Youve gone mad, Will! You trusted that reckless woman! How can you live with someone so daft? You said you married because you were tired of her whims Youll come back without your trousers, without your wife! Listen to me, dont be foolish. Throw those foolish thoughts away and take my sister, Mandy, into your home. Shell make borscht, bake pies, wash shirts
Will laughed, shaking his head.
Happiness isnt in pies, Colin. Its in a beloved woman. We may eat readymade meals, but she, my beauty, is right beside me! Whatever I said before was nonsense. I was wrong!
Nicholas kept shouting, trying to make his friend see sense, but Will just kept laughing. He finished his work and left.
Well, what a fool, Nicholas muttered, shaking his head. Married a daft woman and became one himself A sad pair, indeed.
Nicholas went back home, sighing, his head heavy. On the doorstep his wife, Kate, sat clutching a suitcase.
What are you doing here? Nicholas asked, bewildered.
Its Colin. Ive had enough. Im leaving you.
Where to?
Kates eyes filled with tears as she dropped her head onto her chest, sobbing.
Where do you see yourself, Colin? I cant picture a life with you. Im heading to the town centre, looking for work! Im tired of toiling for you! Maybe I want the same freedom Lucy had Oh dear, Colin.
She began to wail, Nicholas gently lifted the suitcase from her arms and embraced her trembling form.
She could have said it straight, Kate She would have smashed the table with her fist. Would I not have listened, dear?
The old stereotypes cracked in Nicholass mind, the weight of years finally loosening.
