Id split from my husband, Mark, and now he drifts through his days with an odd sort of glee, as if the clouds themselves have cleared just for him. He keeps reminding me that I was the one who held him back, that I denied him the chance to live a normal life.
No one has ever pricked my heart more than that exhusband of mine.
For three moons we havent crossed paths. The last time I saw him, I drove my little Lucy over for a weekend stay at his flat in Camden. Its only been twelve weeks, and hes turned into someone I barely recognised.
For years I begged him to shed a few stones, but he turned a deaf ear and kept feeding on crisps and fizzy drinks, gaining weight as if the scale were a myth. He spent his evenings perched on the sofa, and it seemed impossible to coax him outside, let alone into a gym. Yet now, in the tiniest room of his modest flat, a yoga mat lies stretched out like a runway. Hes sporting a fresh haircut, his shirts are buttoned neatly, and no one appears to be looking after him. I used to have to show him how to load the washing machine and press start; now he flings the lid open and the drum whirs on its own.
So we talked
Id heard enough. He claimed that for years Id belittled him in the marriage, that hed been a fool, and now hed shed that foolishness while I and the baby were no longer part of his plans. Hed found a new love, and he was buzzing with happiness, working on his body, his character, his earnings. That hit me hardest. He hadnt lifted a finger for me or for our daughter, and hed transformed himself for another woman.
People say you should give as much as you wish to receive, yet Mark never answered in kind. Id loved him, respected him, and only occasionally offered a comment, because he never believed anything needed changing. And Id never gotten a single thing back from him
Even after we split, his thoughts revolved around himself, not around the daughter he hadnt seen in ages. I wish, in some twisted dream, hed once have stood in my shoes, tried harder, and earned what Id always expected from him. But who can say
