The memory of that time still haunts me, though my husband tried to banish it from his thoughts. My wife, too, kept silent, saying only, You know I know what you know. When she saw her bewildered husband, it was enough for her; a man weighed down by guilt is easier to steer. She was the very picture of wisdommy Grace.
Grace possessed eyes as green as the rolling hills of the Lake District, depthless and rare. No one Id ever met, then or later, had such a gaze. A single look and you fell straight into that abyss.
Nicholas fell for Emily the moment he laid eyes on herinstant, irreversible. She arrived late to the lecture, slipped into the hall just as the professor began, and later they discovered they were in the same tutorial group. Nothing he had ever known felt so allconsuming that the world seemed to recede, leaving only a thin veil between them. Emily, however, paid him no heed.
If only she had cast even a fleeting, curious glance his wayperhaps a question, a teasing remarkanything. Yet nothing of the sort happened; Emily Frost was simply uninterested in Nicholas Hart. He was, by all accounts, goodlooking and fit the modern standards of male attractiveness.
For Nicholas this was his first great disappointment. In school he had been the top lad in the village, never short of admirers. Still, everything felt flippant. The feeling that seized him was new and fierceperhaps this was what true love felt like.
A small consolation lay in the fact that Emily paid no attention to any of the boys in their cohort. If it ever happens, Nicholas often thought, I wont know what to do with it. Emilys affection seemed to thaw as they entered their third year; Nicholass love for her never waned.
Then, as if spring had melted the ice, she began to respond to a classmates jokes, and the wouldbe suitors hope rose. When they rode the Underground home together, Nicholas wove in his mind a storyline of a blissful future together.
He finally asked her out, and she surprisingly accepted. Emily realized she, too, liked the charming Nicholas, whose spiky haircut reminded her of a cartoon character. He invited her for a steaming cup of teaa song that was then all the rage crackled from every gramophone. They spent a wonderful afternoon, then kissed; his dream seemed to be unfolding.
By the end of their third year they were considered a couple. At the start of the next academic year Emily discovered she was pregnant. It happened on her birthday, the ninth of June, when Nicholas came to her cottage while her parents were away at the seaside. In the heat of the moment they neglected contraception, assuming the worst would not happen.
But the worst did. Soon Emily realised she carried a truly regal gift. They spent the holidays with their respective families; not everyone owned a mobile phone then, so the young father only learned the news after his own parents returned from the south in late August.
Emily, now two and a half months pregnant, was anxious. Nicholas, too, was at a loss, unsure what to do. As they lay in bed, romance gave way to a harsh reality: the childs eyes would be green.
Marriage seemed prematurehe was still a boy, his parents would not be pleased. An abortion? Emily would not consent to giving birth alone, and it was too early for her as well. An abortion required money and, above all, the girl’s agreement. Yet she seemed resigned to any outcome, echoing the line from a film: Do whatever you must, Nick.
Nicholas promised to act, then did something that shocked everyone, including himself: he missed the first day of term. He had fled, cowardly, and taken his documents with him to another university, leaving Emily to face her plight alone. His classmates were baffled; Nicholas vanished, his parents claiming he had moved to a rented flat without a phone.
Thus Emily was erased from his life; the fear of losing freedom outweighed the pure love he once felt. Years later, Nicholas Hart was happily married, his son now twentytwo. He never learned what became of his former love; she had died, and he never discovered her fate.
With age, remorse gnawed at him. Perhaps he had been too harsh? He had loved Emily, and would have loved the child she bore. He loved his wife, but that love was differentmore steady, like fireworks that have long burned out, replaced by a calm, measured life. He married the following year after the split, to a woman named Grace, who had once shared a class with him at the other university.
Nicholas never confessed that shameful episode to his wife. Could a man ever admit he fled the battlefield? Yet Grace had long been aware; mutual acquaintances had revealed the truth. Goodnatured folk always surface.
Grace, wise as ever, never accused him, saying, I know enough to understand. She recognized that everyone carries secrets, especially those tied to dark deeds best left unspoken. She hinted that she knew, lest it tarnish the image of a respectable husbanda man who solved family problems in an instant, the role Nicholas had cultivated for years. Such revelations would have shaken their marriage, especially since they occurred before Grace entered his life; with her, everything had been fine.
One Saturday, Simon announced that he would introduce a girl to his son, saying, Sarah and I have decided to marry! Though it was early for the boy to wed, his parents objected not; he lived independently in a flat gifted by his grandmother, financially selfsufficient.
When Nicholas opened the door for his son that Saturday, his heart stopped: standing there was Emily, as if the intervening years had never passed. Not the original Emily, but a perfect replicaa double, as one might call it today. She had returned that August evening, a reminder that boomerangs always find their way back.
Nicholas, quickwitted, realized she could not be his former lover but perhaps her daughter. He concluded that she might be his own child as wella halfsibling, perhaps, the daughter of his late friends father. Marrying a sister was out of the question, yet the thought left him more unsettled than the pregnancy had.
His throat went dry, his heart pounded over a hundred beats per minute, cold sweat traced his spinea divine retribution, he thought. He forced a smile, tried to keep the conversation flowing, avoiding the girls eyes for fear of seeing a silent accusation in the pupils of a daughter who might be there to sow discord.
He remembered his mothers story of a father who abandoned her, and wondered if revenge drove this girl. She had won his sons affection, only to now claim she was his sister. The shock was palpable.
His wife asked, Perhaps youd like to lie down? Ill check your blood pressure. He agreed, using it as an excuse to leave the table.
Their son asked, Dad, didnt you like Sarah? He noted Nicholas hadnt even looked at her, perhaps due to the pressure medication he had just taken.
Dont marry her! his father bellowed suddenly. Why not? Simon demanded, bewildered. Because shes my sister! I left her mother pregnant twentysomething years ago! The confession was beyond Nicholass strength; no other thoughts came.
Ill marry her anyway! Simon declared, storming off. Grace, observing, asked, What on earth possessed you, Nick? Shes a decent girl, you can see it. She loves Simon! What possessed you to go off the path, old man?
Nicholas muttered, Youd love this, Tim, his inner voice bitter. What now?
Two days of agony passed; he even called in sick at work, citing a hypertensive crisis. Calm down, Grace urged over dinner. It wasnt her, was it? He replied, What do you meanwasnt it her? Well, yes: I know its not Emilys child. Its just a lookalike, the same type.
Grace recalled a photo once shared by wellmeaning friends, an indiscreet snapshot of Nicholas with Emily during his passionate phase. Could that happen? she asked. Surely not, he retorted, but look at the twin contests! Her mothers name is Lena, just like mine. Were meeting them Saturday; will you now let your son wed?
Lena? Could it be? Was Sarah not his daughter? Nicholas exhaled, relieved, Now Ill consent. He wondered how Grace had uncovered everything. One face, two lives.
Later, a closer look showed the resemblance was thin; Sarahs hair was a different shade, her eyes unlike Emilys. Yet the unsettling feeling lingered, as if his conscience had awoken anew.
Nicholas tried to forget the episode. Grace, ever cryptic, said, You know I know what you know. She saw her bewildered husband and, satisfied, began to manipulate the man burdened with guilt. She remained the wise Grace.
Nicholas changed; his swagger and bravado faded. He discovered he was not a master of his fate after alljust a man who had fled. Yet the couple never spoke of that shameful chapter; life, for them, continued as before.
