Two Blokes on My Back
Right, thats it! Choose: its either me, or your brother and his little harem of girls! Youve completely lost the plot. First, you dumped your whole family on me, and now strange women? You lot have got it easy, havent you!
Alice stood in the bedroom, shaking with anger. Clutched in her outstretched hand was evidence shed just founda single, unfamiliar pop sock. Shed pulled it from under the bed a minute before, and instantly knew: it wasnt hers.
Instead of apologising or at least pretending to be sorry, Daniel just twisted his face, making it look as if, actually, Alice was the one whod brought a stranger into the flat. He shifted his weight from foot to foot, glancing impatiently towards the hall.
Alice, stop being dramatic. You always make a mountain out of a molehill, he grumbled. Thats just our guest. My brother, your brother-in-law, if you recall. He brought a girl home, so what? Why do you care?
But Alice didnt care in the way Daniel imagined. She felt something much colder and stickier. Disgust, as though shed accidentally stepped in something nasty while wearing her favourite shoes.
She noticed how Daniels eyes flickered about, clearly seeking backup from the person whod made their home his own these past six months. Stuart, his brother, couldnt even be bothered to move a muscle.
This is my flat, and I dont want strange people here, Alice said slowly through gritted teeth, barely containing her rage. And, for the record, your brothers included. Get your own placelet anybody stay there, even an elephant if you like. But Im asking you both to move out of mine.
Now, it was Daniels turn to look shocked. But for Alice, this was only to be expecteda natural conclusion, really.
Oh come on, Dan, lets just go, came Stuarts lazy drawl from the lounge. Well find somewhere less hassle. You know what they sayless baggage, less drag.
As if on cue, Daniel yanked a sports bag out of the wardrobe, tossing in shirts, jeans, his charger, pantsanything he could grab, huffing as he did.
Youll regret this, Alice, he muttered, refusing to meet her eye. Who else would want you but me
The front door slammed so hard on their way out, it made the glass in Alices grandmothers cabinet rattle.
Suddenly, Alice was alone in the ringing silence. She sat on the edge of the bed, still gripping that damned pop sock. When had everything gone so wrong? How had her cosy little two-bed, inherited from her gran, turned into a grubby hostel?
Shed met Daniel two years before. They couldnt have been more different. Alice was quiet, reserved, awkward around people. Daniel was loud, chatty, always moving. Though still at university, he did shifts doing delivery work and wooed Alice with chocolates, reciting poetry, even the occasional restaurant date. To Alicea top student and something of a wallflowerit felt wildly romantic.
Hed pushed for them to move in together suspiciously quickly; after less than two months.
Cant stand to be away from you, darling, hed whisper, holding her tight. Want to wake and fall asleep beside you every day.
Shed melted at his words. Only months later did she learn the truth: Daniel had been turfed out of his rented room for being noisy and needed a roof, fast. But Alice had told herself these things happened to everyonejust bad timing, surely.
Life as a couple had been quiet, if not glamorous. Alice raced to her lectures every morning, then taught in the evenings to earn extra and fill the fridge. Daniel pitched in a bit, too. But after two years, a third person crashed into their little world.
Daniel, didnt you say your brother was coming up to start university? Maybe invite him for dinner? Youre brothers, after all, Alice had suggested one day.
She didnt know then how much Stuart would enjoy being their guest. Not just the odd eveningat first it was every couple of days, then every night, and soon he just stayed. Alice, raised to be gracious, hosted and tidied up after both menwashing their dishes, making beds, laundering their things. All on her own. She never imagined Stuart would forget all about actually enrolling at university.
Stuart, arent you supposed to be a student now? Dont you get a place in halls? she asked, three months into this arrangement.
Didnt get the grades, he replied offhand, not even blinking. Ill try again next year.
Alice stared in horror. By now, she realised Stuart had no plans to leave. And why would he? He had the whole lounge to himself, home-cooked meals, and was waited on hand and foot. He slept in late, scrolled his phone all day, and spent his evenings out on the town.
Things got even worse when Daniel quit his job at the shop where hed lasted the past year.
Boss was a right twit, he declared. Loads of demands, rubbish pay. Dont worry, Ill do some deliveries for now while I look for something better.
Needless to say, the job hunt dragged on forever. Daniel was lucky to do one delivery shift a week. Now, both blokes spent their whole days sprawled on Alices sofa. Both of them were living off her.
Managing the household budget became a nightmare. Groceries disappeared before you could blink. A pan of sausages meant for two days vanished in one evening. The bills kept mounting. Neither Stuart nor Daniel so much as acknowledged what was happening.
Alice came home exhausted, only to face a sea of dirty dishes. Dirty clothes on the bathroom floor. Dust bunnies in every corner.
When she first dared protest, Daniel just stared at her in genuine puzzlement.
Whats up with you, Alice? Dont begrudge my brother a plate of stew. The citys a tough adjustment for him. Try to be understandingyoure a woman, after all.
Every time, Alice was made to feel like a miserly nag. So, she gritted her teeth, cooked more, cleaned toilets after them, washed up again and againafraid of breaking the fragile peace at home. She told herself that tough times happen to everyone.
But one afternoon, coming home to an unfinished bottle of cheap wine and three glasses, she grew uneasy. When she found the pop sock her patience snapped.
That first night alone in the flat was restless. Oddly, the silence seemed almost oppressive. She almost missed Stuarts snoring from the lounge, the TV muttering, the shuffle of Daniels slippers in the kitchen.
But the next morning, the fear of being alone was replaced by relief. She opened the fridge: the cheese shed bought yesterday was still there. The carton of juice remained full. Nobody had drunk milk straight from the bottle. No crumbs, no bread knife left sticky. She was, finally, mistress of her own space.
That evening, though, loneliness struck. Alice visited her friend Victoria, eager to talk it all out.
You daft thing, Alice Victoria told her, not unkindly. Theyll have a new mark by now. Maybe even that girl they had round the other night. And anyway, it might not have been Stuart who brought her. Couldve been Daniel, getting up to mischief.
Do you think Daniel was cheating?
Does it matter now? They both took you for a proper mug. Be grateful another silly girl gave you this lucky breakotherwise, youd still be keeping those two layabouts.
Returning home, Alice didnt just tidy upshe cleansed the place. It was a farewell to her old life. She binned forgotten socks, sweet wrappers, empty fag packets Anything that stank of her guests went straight in the bin. Even their gifts. She changed the bedding, scrubbed the floors with bleach, and only then did her nerves settle.
At the end of the month, she balanced her books and realised with surprise that, now, she could finally set some aside for rainy days.
A year and a half passed.
Alice changed. She got a job at a private school, learned to say no, and stopped bending over backwards for everyone else. And thenshe met Oliver. An engineer, five years older, with his own (albeit mortgaged) flat.
This time, Alice didnt rush into moving in. She waited half a year before letting Oliver into her daily life. They chose to live at hers, as it was far closer to central London. Oliver let out his own flat to whittle down his mortgage faster.
Everything ticked along nicely until, one evening, Oliver put down his phone and sighed.
Listen, Alicemy mum rang She needs some tests done, and honestly, you cant get that in the village. Shed have to come up for a week, maybe two. How would you feel about that?
Alice felt ice in her stomach. Flashes of memory: Stuart sprawled on the sofa, snoring through the walls, that feeling of being a stranger in her own home Her heart clenched with fear.
She looked at Oliver, who waited for her reply. It felt like the future was on the line. Should she keep quiet? Give in for loves sake? Once again become convenient for everyone but herself?
Alice took a deep breath to still her nerves.
Oliver, she began as calmly as she could, I truly respect your mum, but I have a rule. No overnight guests in my flat. From either side. Our home is our sanctuarythats non-negotiable. Please dont take it the wrong way, but thats just how Im wired.
For a moment, silence. Alice braced herself, expecting accusations of selfishness, a row, doors slammingready to defend her boundaries.
But Oliver only raised his brows and nodded.
No worries at all, he said, turning back to his phone. Makes sense, really. No need for everyone to cram in here when Ive got another place. Ill make sure shes set up somewhere near the clinic, so its easier for her, no drama for us.
Alice froze, barely able to believe it. She exhaled, long and loudly.
Youre really not upset?
Oliver looked up, put his phone down, crossed the room, and hugged her.
Whats to be upset about? Everyone has their own preferencesits normal. Theres always another way, always a compromise to be found.
Alice smiled and buried her face in his shoulder. She hadnt just learned to say no after all. Shed found someone who didnt see her no as cause for battle. From now on, both her door and her heart would open only for those who could respectfully wipe their feet before entering.
And that, I learned, was the key: to guard my own space, and never again let anyone treat my homeor my self-worthlike a free-for-all.
