My brother refuses to consider moving mum into a care home, and he wont take her in either apparently theres simply no room!
For the past three months, my brother and I have been constantly at odds over mum. Since her stroke, she hasnt been herself. She forgets things all the time and needs someone by her side every moment. She requires full-time care. Suddenly, everything fell to me. It honestly feels like caring for a child, but I already have a job, a house and a family of my own. How am I meant to split myself in two? I suggested a care home, but my brother was furious, accusing me of cruelty. Yet hes not willing to take her to his place. He still lives in his wifes flat!
We used to be a close-knit, standard family of four my brother David and I, only a year apart. Our parents had us late in life. Im 36 now, David is 35, and mum is 72. Life was normal, at least until dad died.
Afterwards, David moved to Bristol for university and stayed on, married, while I settled down in our hometown, Oxford. At first, I lived with mum and dad, but after I married, my husband and I rented a flat nearby, planning to buy one eventually and raise a family. That was always the dream.
Dad died just two years ago, and mum seemed to fade overnight withdrawn, lonely and yearning for him. She aged before my eyes. Her health declined, and then came the stroke six months ago. We honestly thought shed die. She struggled to speak at first and lost some use of her limbs. Gradually, her mobility returned, but her mind never quite recovered.
The doctors said the damage couldnt be undone. So I became her carer. My husband, Tom, and I moved into mums house. I switched to freelancing, hoping I could be at home more. I couldnt leave her on her own. When she regained her movement, things didnt get easier.
She rambled, got confused and wandered off; wed have to chase after her and coax her home, while she wept and mumbled about dad waiting for her somewhere. Honestly, it was exhausting. I hardly slept, constantly fearing shed slip away. Work suffered; I couldnt focus for more than a moment. Tom suggested a care home.
Its expensive thousands of pounds a month! But if we tightened our belts, we could afford it. Tom pointed out, You have a brother David needs to help out, too. Its only fair.
I agonised over it but realised I didnt have a choice. How much longer could this go on? At a care home, shed have professional care and medical help, 24 hours a day. I visited one to see for myself. The cost is steep, but what else can I do?
I rang David and explained everything honestly, hoping hed see sense. But he blew up.
Are you mad? How could you even think about putting mum in a care home? Shell be surrounded by strangers. How do you know shell be treated well? Youre heartless! he shouted over the phone. Is this just your way of getting rid of her?
I tried to justify myself, but he wasnt listening. So I kept struggling on, looking after mum, all on my own. Eventually, I realised my strength was running out. I raised the topic again, but David hadnt changed his mind.
He said, I could never do that to my own mother! Mum took such good care of us, made sure wed be educated and loved. We grew up in our own home, not some orphanage, and she never complained about how hard it was.
He insisted we both owed her, but it always lands on me. I told him, If you dont like my plan, come and take mum to yours and look after her as you see fit.
He answered, You know I live with my wife in her flat. How am I meant to convince her to care for her mother-in-law?
So I shot back, Toms willing to help with mum, but your wife cant? You and Tom are both living with mum now so why shouldnt you step up?
I told David I could leave right now if he wanted to move in with his wife. He hesitated, saying hes too busy working and cant afford distractions. He claimed I only want to shed my responsibilities.
This is a nightmare. On one side, I know I have to place mum in a care home to make life manageable for everyone. But I fear Ill feel like an ungrateful daughter. Tom supports me, reminding me mum will be well cared for and that we have our own lives to live.
Ive decided to wait one more week. If David doesnt show up, Ill have to do whats best for mum and us. Shell get proper attention in the care home. People always have opinions, but only I know the grueling reality of caring for someone whos ill. David can concoct excuses for his friends all he wants Im simply at the end of my rope.
