June 14th
Today, I walked home through the pouring rain, tears streaming down my face and mixing with the raindrops. At least, I thought, the rain hides my crying. No one can see the state Im in. Still, I cant help but scold myself. I only have myself to blameturning up unannounced like some awkward intruder.
So I trailed through the puddles, weeping quietly, sometimes giggling at the memory of that old joke about the son-in-law who teases his mother-in-law: Are you really not even going to have a cuppa, mum? I suppose today, I was that very mumunwelcome and standing awkwardly in the hallway.
My emotions swung from sobbing to laughter and back again, grief stitched with tiny bursts of amusement. By the time I made it back to my little flat, I stripped off the wet clothes, wrapped myself up in my favourite blanket, and let the tears flow without restraint. No one to see or hearwell, except for Goldie, my loyal goldfish, gliding round her bowl as quietly as the rain outside.
I suppose I am a woman people find interestingover the years, men have certainly been interested. But things never worked out with Tom, Niks father. He drank far too much. Maybe at first it was manageablehed have a drink and pass out. Then, suddenly, he grew jealous. Of everyone and anyone. The stranger who asked for directions, the butcher at the shop, even old Mr. Barnes with his walking stick, and our neighbour.
Once, after I smiled at our neighbour in greeting, Tom completely lost control. He beat me badlyright in front of our little Nikolas.
Nik described it all in vivid detail to my mum and dad. Mum wept, clutching her head and crying out, Is this what I raised my daughter for? To be beaten to bits by some drunken brute? Dad didnt say a word. He just got up, left, hauled Tom, now the ex-son-in-law, and threw him right out, four storeys down. Broke his arm in the landing. Dad shook his fist and shouted after him, swearing: If I even see you near my girl again, Ill finish you off. Id rather end up in prison than let you ruin her life any longer!
And, just like that, Tom vanished. I never remarried. No point, reallyraising Nik was enough, and who knows what sort of man Id end up with next. Plenty tried to chat me up, but I couldnt bring myself to trust them. One Tom in a lifetime is more than enough.
I wasnt in dire straits, thank goodness. I have a satisfying job as a catering manager at a small restaurant. Lifes been kind to me in some ways. I managed to squirrel away money for a flat over the years, and when I had enough, Nik announced he was getting marriedto a wonderful girl, Anastasia.
I gave them a proper wedding and the flata nice, new two-bed. Thats what you do for family, isnt it? They needed it more than me. Now Im saving for their new car. How much longer must they chug along in that rusty old Fiesta?
Truth be told, I hadnt planned to visit them today; I never force my company on the kids. But I was passing nearby when the heavens opened. No umbrella, nothingjust me and the rain, which wouldnt let up anyhow. Figured Id nip into their house and catch up with Anastasia over a friendly chat and a cup of tea.
But when I knocked, Anastasia answered the door and looked at me as though Id dropped in from Mars. Didnt invite me in, just stood in the hallway and asked coolly, Mrs. Middleton, did you want something? I stumbled, trying not to sound foolish, Justwell, its raining She was already peering out the window, arms crossed, and cut me off. Rains done now. Youre only round the corner. Youll be fine. So, licking my wounds, I agreed, thanked her, and stepped out back into the drizzle, tears running freely again.
When I finally got home, exhaustion took over and I fell asleep. And in my dreams, Goldie the goldfish grew enormous, mouthing words I could somehow understand: Crying again, are you? Silly woman! Couldnt even get a cuppa out of them in the rain! And youre saving for their car? Will you spend your whole life putting your own needs aside? Goldies words rang out: Look at you! Smart and beautiful, and you have savings. Youre thinking about the kids car? They dont appreciate it! Go to the seaside, for heavens sake. Live a little for yourself.
I woke up late, with the room blanketed in darkness. Goldie was swimming quietly, lips movingbut her messages were lost to me once more. Still, the main lesson stuck: Why sacrifice myself for ungrateful people who cant even offer a cuppa or shelter from the rain?
So, I took the savings meant for their car, booked myself a holiday to the coast, andoh, how lovely it was! I returned tan, sparkling with new life.
Nik and Anastasia never noticedafter all, they only ever called or popped round when they needed something: cash, a babysitter, help with the house. But the trip changed me. I stopped flinching away from men, and soon enough, I found myself being courted by someone truly remarkablethe director of the restaurant where I work. Hed fancied me for ages, but I had always been too wrapped up in Nik and Anastasia to notice. Suddenly, everything seemed easier. Commuting together, sharing lifeit all fell into place.
The other day, Anastasia came by. Mrs. Middleton, why dont you visit or call? Niks found a car he likes! she hinted.
I folded my arms and replied calmly, Did you want something, Anastasia?
Before she could answer, the kitchen door swung open and my gentleman friend appeared, Toni, shall we have some tea?
Of course, I smiled.
Invite your guest in! he offered politely.
No needAnastasia was just leaving. Teas not her thing, is it, Anastasia?
With that, I closed the door behind my daughter-in-law and winked at Goldie, who flicked her tail knowingly.
Thats how it is, these days!
