How I Humiliated My Mother-in-Law. She Probably Still Remembers Today
This story took place right at the start of my married life, just as my wife and I had tied the knot. I noticed something peculiar, but brushed it off at the time. The oddness wasnt with my wifeshes still my ideal womanbut it was clear in her mothers manner, my mother-in-law.
It all began at our wedding: she looked so stern and irritable, as though she were attending a funeral rather than celebrating our marriage. After the big day her behaviour grew stranger. Since we were newlyweds and didnt yet have a place of our own, we had to move in with her.
The moment we crossed her threshold, she greeted us with a forced sincerity so pitiful that I almost believed she was genuinely glad for our happiness, thinking her frosty mood at the wedding must have been down to feeling poorly. But beneath her half-hearted smile lurked passive aggression and sly, pointed remarks. Just to needle me, shed chide me in subtle ways.
For example, shed get up in the middle of the night to re-wash the dishes Id already cleaned the evening before. One morning I woke to the sound of clanging plates and asked her what she was doing. She put on her most innocent face and declared she was just washing dirty dishes.
I thought, Does she mean my dishes are never clean? and from then on I doubted her kindness.
But for a long time, I mistook her passive jibes as motherly advice, often confiding in her about our private matterslittle disagreements with my wife and the like.
As luck would have it, a mate of mine worked as a driver at my mother-in-laws office, and through her colleagues, he started hearing the most scandalous gossip about our home life. In her stories, my wife was the prudent one, I was the lazy one, and of course, I was only interested in living under her roof.
It was then I finally realised my mother-in-law was my opponent in disguise.
She was obsessed, almost fanatical, about cleanlinessher house was spotless, as sterile as a surgical theatre. She expected nothing less from me and my wife. We did our utmost, but pleasing her was a lost cause.
When she went away on business for a fortnight, she insisted we keep the flat immaculate. Even a stray bit of fluff on the carpet or a strand of hair in the bathroom would set her off in a panic; the sight of unwashed dishes could have brought on a heart attack. So, whenever she was at home, my wife and I made sure to keep the place tidy.
For those two weeks she was to be away, we planned to take a break, doing a thorough clean-up just before she returned. But she was one step aheadknowing exactly what wed do, she gave us the wrong return date and planned to turn up early, bringing along her friends so theyd see the state of the house first-hand.
Luckily, my aforementioned mate caught wind of her scheme and tipped me off. I was incensed, and resolved to foil her plan. I cleaned everything until it gleamed, waited, and made sure nothing was out of place.
Mother-in-law arrived with her gaggle of friends and a grinning driver in tow. With a smirk, she twisted the key in the door, leading her little procession in as if she were holding court.
You should have seen her shock when she stepped into a home not just up to her standards, but surpassing them. Her friends gawked and exchanged whispers while I breezed out, mopping my brow and quietly putting the Hoover away.
Well, where did you get such a spotless carpet? I asked lightly.
She was beside herself. Scowling and huffing, she scoured every inch of the flat, while I secretly clenched my fists, thinking, You wont find a thing, you wont!
She ended up the laughingstock among her own friendsand word spread at her office, too. Her gossip lost currency, and plenty sided with me. I dealt a blow to her pride. Though its been seventeen years since, I bet she still remembers that day.
If theres one thing I learnt: sometimes, the best way to win is to arm yourself with patienceand a clean carpet.
