Biological Son
Eve, you wont believe it! Tom and I have decided to go back to Spain next year! My stepfather was absolutely beaming with joy. He says he absolutely needs that same hotel overlooking the sea again. What can I do? Its hard to say no to your very own son, isnt it?
How naturally he emphasised, your very own son.
Im happy for you, I replied, remembering how lovely life had been before Tom appeared out of nowhere. Your own son You used to insist we were a family. That theres no difference between a child by blood or otherwise.
He used to insist. That I was his daughter, no matter what.
Oh, Eve, dont get started again! You are my daughter, end of story! Come on, you know I love you like my very own. But Tom
Even he hadnt noticed how he confirmed my words.
Tom is your son. And Im just what? An acquaintance?
Eve, dont be daft! Youre as good as my own! he hurried out.
As good as Tell me, have you ever taken me to the seaside? Not once, in the entire fifteen years youve called yourself my dad?
He hadnt. David always repeated that there was no difference between Tom and me, but hearing how much he did for his son, I knew the difference was striking.
It just never quite worked out, Eve. You know, money was always tight back then. Youre old enough to understand how expensive two weeks in a five-star hotel is. Pricey.
I know, I nodded. The cost. Guess it was a bit much to take me. But Tom, who youve only known for six months, youre now ready to buy a flat for so hes got somewhere to bring his future wife. I take it those expenses are insignificant if its for your son?
Im not buying him a flat. Who told you that?
People talk.
Tell your sources to stop spreading tales.
For a moment, I came back to life.
Really, youre not?
Of course not. Oh, and guess where were off to this Saturday? He carried on before I could answer. Go-karting! He even did a bit of racing at uni, apparently, and Im tagging along.
Go-karting, I repeated. Sounds exciting.
It is!
Could I come with? I blurted out without thinking.
David, reluctant to let me join, started to splutter.
Er Eve Youll be bored out of your mind. Honestly. Its a bloke thing, really. Tom and I, we have some father-son things to catch up on.
How it stung.
So youll have fun, but not me?
Thats not quite what I meant David fidgeted nervously. Weve hardly ever seen each other, Tom and I. Were just trying to make up for lost time. Just the two of us, you understand?
You understand. That phrase was the most cutting in our new vocabulary. I was meant to understand: blood runs thicker. I was meant to understand that now, my place was somewhere outside the fence.
Tom really was a good chap. Raised without a father, because his mum never told David about him. Despite all that, Tom managed, did well everywhere clever, handsome, kind.
Dad, I helped out at the shelter today. Repaired some kennels.
Dad, did you know Ive got a first-class degree?
Dad, look, Ive fixed your phone.
He wasnt just a son. He was the perfect son.
Later that evening, after David had spent a while at mine and then gone home, I went through old photos David and Mums wedding (Mum had passed away five years ago, leaving the two of us). Here we were at the cottage Heres my school graduation
Nothing would ever be the same.
***
Eve, are you up? Got a question for you. Urgent, David turned up at eight in the morning.
Whats so urgent?
I put my fringe back with a band and switched on the coffee machine.
About Toms flat.
So its true? I breathed out.
Im sorry, but yes its true.
So you lied to me.
I just didnt want to upset you. But I need some advice! I think I should get a move on. Hell want to get married sooner or later. And while hes young, he should have somewhere I know what its like not to.
So take out a mortgage, I said flatly, not at all wanting to discuss buying Tom a flat. Tom had it easy indeed!
Yes, yes, youre right. But you know what my credit historys like I have to help Tom. He deserves to have his father buy him a flat, after all hes missed.
So, what are you getting at?
Will you help me? If I ask?
That depends.
Look, its simple. I have eighty thousand pounds for a deposit. Thats enough for the first payment. But a bank wont give me a mortgage. Theyll give it to you, though. Your records spotless. We put it in your name, get the mortgage, Ill pay for everything, of course.
Any illusion that theres no difference between you two was shattered. There was a difference. And it wasnt Tom being asked to stand in for anyone.
So, Tom gets the flat, and I get the debt? Is that it?
David shook his head, genuinely wounded, as if Id suggested it.
What are you saying! Ill pay, you wont! I just need someones name on the paperwork. Think about it
You know, David, Im not thinking about whether to take on a debt. Im thinking that you dont see me as your daughter anymore. Youve got your son now. Youve only known him six months, but youve known me for fifteen years but it doesnt matter. Hes your blood.
Thats not true! David flared up. I love you both the same!
No. You dont.
Eve, thats just unfair! Its just hes my own
Curtain. I wasnt his daughter anymore. Just a convenient, tolerable, stand-in until the real one arrived.
I see, I kept my voice calm. I cant help you, David. Ill need to buy myself a place some day. No way Ill get a second mortgage.
It was as if hed only now remembered I didnt have a home either.
Oh, yes, youll need to sort that too He adjusted his watch. But right now, while youre not buying, you could help me. I have eighty thousand saved. Theres not so much left to add on. Its just for a couple of years.
No. I wont be putting anything in my name.
Not that Id thought hed understand.
Fine, he said, If you cant help me as a daughter Ill sort this on my own then.
Whether he had ever truly considered me his daughter no longer mattered. Now, I only saw David in old photographs.
Then, one evening, scrolling through social media, I saw it.
A photo snapped at an airport. David and Tom. Both in light coats. Davids arm over Toms shoulder, captioned, Off to Dubai with Dad. Family is everything.
Family.
I put the phone aside.
A memory drifted back long before Mum married David. I was five. We lived humbly, and Grandmas doll, my only one, broke. I cried, but my natural father said, Eve, dont fuss over nonsense! Dont distract me!
One could never distract him he was more interested in a bottle than me. I cant say I ever really had a father. Id thought David was different
David made another attempt to persuade me.
Eve, I think we need to do something about this distrust of yours
What distrust, David? I told you firmly: no.
You just dont understand. Tom he never knew me before. Never had a dad. I have to make up for the gap. Hes a grown man needs a place of his own. And its not like theres anything you have to do youll never pay a penny, I promise.
Wholl mend my gaps
That unexpectedly annoyed him.
Eve, enough! I dont want rows. I do love you, I really do! But you must see Toms my real family now. One day, youll understand, if you have kids of your own. Yes, I love you both, but differently. It doesnt mean I dont need you.
Need me. As a resource.
Oh, come off it! Youre overdoing it.
You latched onto him within six months, David, I told him. Im not asking you to choose. The choice is clear. You said it yourself: Tom is your own. I never was.
Six months went by. David never rang. Not once.
Then, scrolling the same old newsfeed, there was another photo.
David and Tom, mountain slopes behind them. David in trendy skiing gear. Caption: Teaching Dad to snowboard! Hes a bit old for it but, with your son, anythings possible!
I stared at the shot for ages.
Then turned to my desk to finish a report, and my phone beeped. Unknown number.
Hi Eve. Its Tom. Dad gave me your number, but cant bring himself to ring. He says hes worked out a way to buy the flat without you, and hes worried about you. Also, hed really love you to come over for the Bank Holiday. He cant explain it, but hes asking very nicely.
I composed a reply, rewriting several times.
Hi Tom. Tell David Im glad everythings working out for him. And that I think of him too. But I wont come. Ive my own plans for the Bank Holiday. Im off to the seaside.
No need to add that Id bought my own ticket, and this wasnt Spain, but Brighton and I was going with a friend, not with my father.
I hit send.
And realised, perhaps for the first time, that happiness was possible even without him.
