When I retired, an unshakeable loneliness set in. Only in the twilight of my years did I realise how misguidedly Id lived my whole life.
Many women hold the belief that loneliness is a dreadful fate. They think true happiness lies in having a large family, a house filled with bustling problems and perpetual worries. I couldnt see things that way. For as long as I can remember, I lived solely for myself. No one asked me for anything. I had no real responsibilities; there were never any household dramas or family obligations.
After university, I found work with a prominent British travel agency that specialised in arranging tours abroad. At the same time, I modelled for a respectable London firm. I earned a comfortable living in pounds. My circle of friends was comprised mostly of like-minded womenaccomplished, prosperous, independent.
I considered myself fortunate, well-travelled, and sophisticated. There were always gentlemen in my life, but I tired of them when the thrill faded. When I lost interest in a suitor, we simply went our separate ways. Never once did I think of settling down or having children. Would I really give up my precious spare time to raise a child? Did I want to turn from a successful and attractive woman into the sort of mother who fretted endlessly over every little scrape or sniffle? I dreaded those sort of attachments.
The years slipped away almost unnoticed. Now, as an old woman drawing her pension, I feel truly alone. I never married, never raised a family. I did not want a child to begin withdidnt feel the urge, then found no timeand before I knew it, it was too late altogether. I never thought motherhood was the secret to a woman’s happiness.
Now I watch my sisterMargaret, with her two children and three grandchildren. In my younger days, I was too proud, too stubborn to heed anyone’s advice. Now I long to change my fate: to make peace with my kin, spend time with my great-nieces and nephews. Maybe, just perhaps, Ill meet a gentleman as alone as I am, and find the comfort of companionship in these later years. Perhaps, if fate allows, its not too late for contentment.
