Hello Harry? This isnt Harry. This is Alice Alice? And who are you? Excuse me, who are you? Im Harrys girlfriend. Was there something you wanted? My husband isnt home; hes working late My head spun, and I saw tiny red drops on the kitchen floor. My stomach was suddenly tugging so fiercely I almost collapsed. I could feel the baby was coming at any minute.
My husband Harry has spent the last five years working away, chasing jobs. One year it was driving lorries in Germany, another he was doing renovations in Poland. He went after the money. Weve got two sons and always wanted the best for them. We both knew we wouldnt get very far here in England.
And actually, things turned out quite well for Harry. Every month, hed send us care packages tinned food, pasta, cooking oil, and sweets. He also sent money to my bank card, insisting I put it in an ISA and save up the interest. Eventually, we managed to set aside a good sum, enough to buy our eldest son a flat.
From the outside, everything seemed fine. But a few months ago, I felt something wasnt right with my body. First thought menopause, but it wasnt that. Id put on weight, felt tired all the time, kept eating, and my moods were all over the place. The internet said I might be pregnant. Pregnant at forty-five? I didn’t believe it, so I did a test anyway. There were two clear red lines.
I didn’t want to tell the boys or their wives anything about the baby. Why bother? Only for my own children to laugh at me? Say their mum had lost her senses in her old age? So I decided to keep it secret. It was nearly winter, so I wore big, warm jumpers and a thick coat; no one noticed a thing.
But the truth is, I didnt want to have this baby. Maybe some will judge me, say I dont have faith or compassion. But Im forty-five and not a young woman anymore. I have sons and even grandchildren who need my time I dont want to be running after a baby and changing nappies again. And we havent got enough money for a third child. If Harry had to head back abroad for more work, I couldnt manage alone.
They said it was too late and far too risky for an operation. Who knows what damage it might do to my health. So I tried to convince myself it would all work out. Maybe Harry might be pleased another child to love? I decided to Skype him with the news voice call only, no camera switched on.
Hello, Harry
This isnt Harry. This is Alice.
Alice? Who are you?
Sorry, who are you? Im Harrys girlfriend. Were you trying to reach him? Hes still at work.
I hung up the phone and burst into tears. Look at how things go your husband can betray you anywhere, with anyone. I almost wanted to march to the solicitors and file for divorce, throw all of Harrys things out, never see or hear him again.
Yet part of me still hoped hed come back to the family once he knew about the baby. I knew he was visiting in February for the boys birthdays, and had a bit of leave from work. I even dreamed about us walking through the park together, Harry holding our daughters hand on one side, and me on the other.
On Valentines Day, Harry came home. Id cooked a romantic dinner, set the table with candles, and put on some music. I wanted the evening to go gently.
Harry, Ive got a surprise for you. Im pregnant. They say its a girl.
You wretched woman! he shouted.
He turned bright red, knocked the plates onto the floor, and thumped the desk with his fists.
So while Im slogging away like a dog, you’re sleeping around with other men? Now you want to stick me with this bastard child?
Harry, just let me explain
Get away from me, I dont want to see you! he shoved me so hard I slammed my stomach into the sharp corner of the table and fell down.
Harry stormed out, grabbed his bag and slammed the door. My head was spinning; red drops dotted the floor. My stomach twisted with pain I could barely find my mobile and dial for the ambulance. But I felt the baby coming any second.
The paramedics arrived to find me already holding our baby girl. She lay quietly in my arms, didnt cry, just slept peacefully.
Right then, Mum, are you coming with us?
No. Take the baby. I dont want her.
Sorry, what do you mean?
Just take her! Im telling you this baby ruined my family! Maybe someone else will love her, but not me. Please, take her, I dont want to ever see her!
I handed her over to the paramedic without a shred of guilt. They checked me over no tearing, the birth was calm enough. Once the ambulance left, I tidied up, took a shower, and went to bed.
None of the boys know I gave the girl away. Every day I head to church and pray shell grow up healthy and find a family who loves her. I know I cant do it. I dont want to go through all the trials of motherhood again. I just want Harry to come home. But hes gone back to work in Germany, only speaks with the sons now.
You might call me a foolish woman. But Im choosing my husband, not the child. And God will judge me for that.
