Honestly, mate, I spent twenty years apologising to my mother-in-law, completely out of habit, not even thinking about itlike it was just part of who I am.
Where are you? Ive been waiting for thirty minutes! shed say, her voice sharp on the phone.
Id start the same way every time: Sorry, I must not have been clear about the time even though my message clearly said: meeting at three. And it was only quarter to.
This is how almost every conversation would begin.
That day, the plan was to pick out curtains for my daughters room. I suggested just sending her a couple of photos, but she insisted I go with her.
These are lovely I pointed at some light, beige curtains.
Beige? Completely impractical. Navys better she cut me off. I raised children, I know best.
So, we left with the navy ones.
On the way home, I sat quietly, staring out of the window. Everything was normal, she was pleased, but there was this heaviness inside me that I couldnt explain.
Later that evening, my close friend Amy rang.
You know what Ive noticed? she asked. Youre always apologising for other peoples reactions.
That question really stopped me in my tracks.
I started thinking back.
Id apologised for us missing a family dinner, even though we werent even told about it.
Id said sorry for not asking for advice.
Id apologised because the present was inappropriate.
Id said sorry that my daughter didnt want a sleepover.
It was like I felt responsible for her mood.
The hardest moment hit when I found an old photograph of myselfabout ten years old. Quiet, shrunk into myself, looking as though I was apologising just for existing.
I remembered growing up.
Mum was always tired, a bit short-tempered, telling me things like, Its hard because of you.
And mea child who took on responsibility for how adults felt.
That sense just trailed after me into adulthood.
Except now, it was my mother-in-law instead of my mum.
A week later, my mother-in-law called, annoyed that wed signed my daughter up for ballet.
Normally, Id begin with:
Sorry we didnt mean to upset you well think about it
But this time, I took a breath and said calmly:
Im sorry youre upset, but this is our choice as her parents. Its not a slight against you, and its not my fault our decision doesnt match your expectations.
Silence on the other end.
After that call, my hands were shaking, but for the first time, I actually felt relief.
When my husband, Tom, said his mum thought Id been rude, I just replied,
I wasnt rude. I just didnt apologise for something that wasnt my fault.
Later, she came over. For the first time, we had a real, honest chat.
I just want to feel important she told me.
You are important I said. But your opinion is advice, not a command.
That conversation didnt fix everything. Even now, sometimes I feel that old urge to apologise for something that isnt my doing.
But at least I know now.
And I can stop.
Im not responsible for how others feel.
Realising that was the most freeing discovery of my life.
So, tell me, honestly: how often do you find yourself apologising for things that arent even your fault, just to keep the peace?
