Caring Granny
Elizabeth Martin, a sprightly and determined lady just past her sixties, announced to her granddaughter one rainy afternoon,
Olivia! Ive waited ages, but my patience has snapped. Will you finally let me die in peace?!
Olivia, a petite brunette and an art historian, blinked at her grandmothers unusual request.
When are you getting married?! So I can rest in peace with a contented soul? You’re nearly twenty-seven, Granny continued, Why do you think I spent the whole summer at that old bat Mrs. Beaumonts cottage and spent three months feigning sympathy for her piles? It was so you could sort out your personal life. Yet you didnt even manage to meet anyone!
Gran, where and when am I supposed to meet someone? Work, Spanish classes, my thesis. And at my museum, the only single bloke is Arthur Parsons youve met him.
Yes, Arthur Parsons is honestly not even a cod when there’s no fish in the seahes a half-dead shrimp, Granny agreed grimly.
The next day, Elizabeth phoned the old bat Beaumont and found out that her granddaughter had actually met her future husband at a nightclub.
Unfortunately, Olivia doesnt go clubbing, so it seemed Elizabeth would have to assess the husband material herself or find a better hunting ground.
She soon learned women get free entry to nightclubs between 9 and midnight, so, without delay, she marched out that evening, announcing to Olivia she was just going out for a stroll before bedtime.
She verbally floored the bouncer who dared to mutter about her age, commandeered their help to perch herself on a tall bar stool, and strictly surveyed the scene. The clubs atmosphere immediately became as tense as a parents evening after Year 7 had been caught drinking lager on the football pitch.
How are you finding us, madam? Enjoying yourself? ventured the bartender, sliding her a tall glass. Virgin cocktail. On the house.
Hopeless, Elizabeth declared. A respectable girl has nothing to gain here. Though you wouldnt go bankrupt splashing a drop of brandy in this. And whats with that ginger ladis he dancing or does he have hip problems?
Before New Years, Elizabeth attended a rock concert, a fire show, a doleful folk singers night, an extreme cycling tournament, a whist championship and, out of sheer desperation, a young poets seminar. The poets nearly finished her off. No point casting the baitheaven forbid, one of them bites.
Yes, Olivia, I sympathise. Back in my day, I had your grandfather to choose from and a good dozen others just as suitable. Even that old bat Beaumont had options, though she only ever mooned over your granddad. But young chaps these days, Olivia, have shrunktheyre so uninspiring you couldnt catch your eye on one.
In March, Elizabeth, after visiting old Mrs Beaumont, decided to pop in to Olivias work. Approaching the museum, she slipped and crashed down, thankfully not on the steps. Some army chap rushed over to help her up. Leaning on her good Samaritan, Elizabeth checked herself for broken bones and sprains, then looked him up and down and said,
Major, I take it youre a tank man? My late husband commanded a tank regiment. Tell me, Major, do you have an hour to spare?
The Major assumed hed have to drag the former battle-axe home and cursed his own Christian charity, but nodded resignedly.
Excellent. Now, have you ever visited this historic museum? No? Pity. You really should. Go straight inside! Ask for a tour from Olivia Martinshes top notch, you’ll love it.
The Major couldnt even explain what possessed him to go into that museum. Granny had practically hypnotised him…
***
Recently, Elizabeth gently whispered to her sleeping great-grandson, Michael,
You, my sunshine, my little teddy bear, will soon start school, your daddy will finish military college, and your mum will finally finish her doctorate. And then, with a peaceful heart, I can at last go to the great beyond. But what, youll grow up all alone, my little sparrow? No, you need a sister! And when your sister is born, shell go to school, then… Well, well see after that.
The Caring Granny Eliza Matthews, a Spirited and Determined Lady Over Sixty, Demands Her Granddaught…
