Mother-in-law
Gertrude Harrison was a woman of formidable proportions. Her walk wasnt so much a stroll as a march. Her gaze could penetrate steel, and her words werent uttered, they were pronouncedno mere conversation, but proclamations destined for the ages. Place her atop a plinth, and you’d have yourself a statue, not a matriarch.
Gertrude ran a wholesale food warehouse, boasted two stints in prison for disorderly conduct, and one for accidental manslaughter, as well as having three daughterseach born in the short breaks between her adventures with the law. And naturally, three sons-in-law to match.
Upon marrying in, each son-in-law received a thorough briefing on their rights and responsibilities, followed by a stern rollcall of repercussions for any transgressions. Gertrude wasnt one to meddle in trivial disputes; she believed in preserving her nerves. And her daughters received strict instructions: Don’t bother your mother with petty nonsenselearn to sort yourselves out. Only matters of genuine significance, such as missing persons or the urgent need to dispose of a corpse, were allowed as pretexts for seeking her intervention.
The sons-in-law appreciated this non-interfering policy, and kept well clear of Gertrudeit was generally agreed that tangling with her was likely to end badly, given that manslaughter in a fit of rage was practically tattooed across her forehead.
The youngest, Thomas, wasnt much in awe of Gertrude. Living with his wife in the neighbouring city of Birmingham, he fancied himself self-sufficient and freeuntil he got the bright idea to join his boss on the companys Saturday escapades, agreeing to accompany him and three other colleagues to a sauna.
To his wife, Thomas announced hed be working late, something about urgent tasks that just couldnt wait. The more seasoned employees took elaborate precautionsone brought fishing rods and a tent, allegedly heading off for a lads fishing trip, and pre-ordered a bucket of live trout to prove his enthusiasm. Two more brought laptops, citing the need for late-night online tank battles. The boss didnt bother concealing anything from his missus, perhaps trusting that honesty was the best policy.
As midnight approached, the binge drinking and steam baths proved rather dull, so the group decided to liven things up and pooled their cash for some female companionship. Funds stretched only to two ladies, both so alarmingly unattractive that the boss suggested swapping them for something less terrifying, but the group preferred to acquire more gin instead.
By twelve o’clock, Gertrudes youngest daughter, in a nervous panic, finally dialled her mother.
Quick, make it snappy, Ive got a lorry full of goods to unload, barked Gertrude.
Mum! Thomas hasnt come home from work, his mobiles gone dead, the office phones out, and none of his colleagues or the boss are picking up. Somethings happened to him, Mum!
Gertrude let fly a string of expletives that wouldve shocked a drunken sailor, and then added, Dont fret, love, Ill sort this!
She barked orders at the warehouse lads, hopped into the Range Rover, and headed for Birmingham, firing off calls as she drove. Within half an hour, she knew precisely where Thomas and his mates were carousing, and in another fifteen minutes, she was entering the sauna, escorted by a wide-eyed attendant.
She brought immediate clarity to the evenings confusion, and Thomas received a robust alibi courtesy of a set of impressive bruises and a broken tooth.
The boss tried asserting himself: You can’t just barge in here! Who ARE you?! Ill call the police! Sadly, he wasnt familiar with Gertrude. She paused her thrashing, snatched a steak knife from the table with one hand, and grabbed the bosss throat with the other.
Just try it, sunshine, and Ill slice off your tongue! Im the mother-in-law of this little git! she declared.
Oy, you! she yelled at the two startled women, Stop squealing and get to work! Twirling the knife, she strode over to Thomas.
Well, Thomas, feeling a bit uncomfortable in your boxers, are we?
Mum! squealed Thomas, cowering in a corner, You wouldnt!
And whats stopping me, pray tell?
I didnt cheat on your daughterask anyone!
Gertrude turned to the two ladies.
No one cheated, rasped the boss, massaging his neck.
I can see that myself! Whyd you lot pick such dodgy girls?
She poured some gin into a glass and handed it to Thomas.
Drink up. Youll need the anaesthetic.
Thomas, after rattling his teeth on the rim, gulped it down.
Whats all this chaos then? Gertrude demanded.
We just needed a break, said the boss, But its all gone wrong. The women arewell, not ideal.
Settling herself at the table, Gertrude sliced off a chunk of sausage.
Imagination isnt your strong suit, is it, boys? she said, chewing thoughtfully. Whats all this gear? She nodded at the fishing rods. Sex shop equipment?
Thats my cover story, piped up the fisherman.
And this bucket? She kicked it.
Part of it, yes.
Very clever. Good to see someone planned ahead! What would you numpties do without me? Lucks on your side tonight!
She dumped the fish from the bucket into the pool, sending them darting everywhere.
Here, take a rod! she told the fisherman, handing another to one of the tank drivers. You two, fish. Oy, ladies! Into the pool, lets see if you earn your keep!
The women awkwardly slipped into the water.
Heres the deal: gents use the rods, ladies use their hands. Whoever catches a fish, leaves intact!
You, she pointed at another tank driver, keep score. Me and the boss will place bets. Im backing the girl in the yellow swimsuit to catch a fish first!
No way! protested the boss. My moneys on Davehes mad keen on angling!
You, yellow swimsuit! shouted Gertrude, Get a bonus for fastest catch!
And what about me? complained the other woman.
Bonus for catching more than yellow. There you go.
Half an hour later, the sauna attendant nervously peered in to see a riotous scene: women flailing after fish, Dave fishing with bits of bread, tank driver pursuing one of the women, Thomas and the second tank driver wielding a large bath towel as a net, the boss gesturing wildly from poolside, conducting the madness.
Gertrude sent her daughter a text: Hooded assailants attacked your husband on his way home. Hes battered, but alive and currently giving a statement to the police. Ill bring Thomas home soon. Kisses, Mum. And really, her daughters peace of mind was worth more than a broken tooth and another sleepless night in a sauna. Still, she sent Thomas a generous sum in pounds to reinstate his toothnot his fault this time, but shed rather see him wary of such escapades going forward.
