Love Yourself, and All Will Be Well
Through the window, there was a howling wind, frigid and bleak, mirroring the feelings inside Emily. She sat alone in her cavernous home, a place filled with every comfort, except company. She even had a husband, George, but as usual, hed gone out for the evening on business. Emily knew full well what business meant.
Her son and daughter had left the nest long ago; the boy married and living over in Hampstead, his own clan about him, while her daughter was settled far off near Brighton. Shed completed university there, married a local lad, and now they lived blissfully, even bringing up a little girl themselves.
Emily spoke to her daughter today by phone.
Mum, why do you sound so glum? Alice pressed her. Has something happened?
No, of course not, love, everythings fine. How are you all getting on? Hows my precious granddaughter?
Were brilliant, Mum. Harry is always busyyou know what its like for a surgeon, theres always work. He comes home knackered but he loves it, says hes found his calling. Evie will be starting nursery soon. Shes growing and keeping us on our toes.
Im glad for you, darling. May all go well for you, Emily spoke in a weary tone.
I really dont like the sound of your voice, Mum, and wheres Dad?
Dad? Oh, hes somewhere in the garage, warming up the carwhat with the freeze and wind out there, Emily replied, not wanting to trouble her daughter.
For more than half a year, Emilys heart had been in turmoil, with no soul to confide in, not that she would. Some might pity her; others would gloat. One summer day while working in her back gardendigging in the flowerbeds below an open windowher thoughts drifted. Suddenly, she heard Georges voice, loud and tender. He thought she was out, unaware she was just outside.
All right, sweetheart not tonight, sadly. I miss you too I love you Dont be cross, Ill come tomorrow. If I promised, Ill be there
Georges voice faded away. Whether hed hung up or moved rooms, Emily heard no more. She was filled with such a sickening sensation, a thud in her chest. Her George, in whom shed placed utter trust, was just like all the rest. Her mind flashed to her sisters complaints about her own husbands affair. That had seemed unimaginable, yet now Emily inhabited her sisters shoesand she understood. Lost for what to do, she sat down behind the house and burst into tears.
Dear God, how could this happen to me? George, whom I trusted implicitly, now betrays me like this. Seems that same devil lurking in mens hearts came for him too.
George was forty-seven, successful. Emily had been a loving and attentive wife. Their grown children led good, independent lives. They lived in a large village, where George owned the flour mill, turning wheat into fresh loaves and sending animal feed to surrounding counties.
Emily had kept it buried inside for so long. Over that half a year, she quietly pieced together the story of the other woman. Discreetly, while he slept, she checked Georges phone.
She discovered the womans nameSallyand realized she was a distant cousin of mutual friends, even a familiar figure at their gatherings. Sally lived in the Squares, the area in the village where squat little flats lined the streets. Through gentle probing, Emily found Sallys address.
Our cousin Sally hasnt got the best name, said Vera, a friend. Shes undeniably stunning, never married, the sort that draws looks Men have rather spoiled her. Thirty-five and still no ring, no kids either. Shes said as much herselfwants some stability, but doesnt fancy raising a child solo. Vera went on, not knowing about Georges involvement.
Emily disclosed nothing to Vera, she bit her tongue and saved her tears for home.
Oh, Lord, how tiring it is to drag this burden around.
Not long after, two months back, Emily brokeshe must see Sally in person. Sally went pale when she opened the door and recognized Georges wife. Emily walked in without asking and dropped onto the sofa.
Hello there, she said, voice flat. Sally stood frozen, perhaps expecting a violent outburst, as some wives would deliver in these circumstances. After a pause, Emily let her anger finally break.
Arent you ashamed to go to bed with a married man? You know its wrong. There are plenty of single men about. You cant make happiness out of somebody elses misery.
Sally, to Emilys surprise, began to cry.
I dont know whats wrong with me, but I love George. I cant breathe without him.
At this, Emily snapped and slapped Sally, who clutched her cheek.
Forgive me, Emily, Im sorryits like some spell came over me Sally sobbed.
Emily started crying too. Soon, both women just wept. When the tears dried, Emily spoke quietly,
Dont tell George I was here. But if you dont stop having him round, dont blame me for what comes next. She walked out with her head held high.
Sally never told George about the visit. Emily, too, kept her silence, locking everything inside. To this day, she still didnt know if George still visited Sallythough the business trips continued. So here she sat, mind turning on itself.
What am I meant to do? she thought. George is my whole world. I cant imagine life without him. Were practically one person after all these years. And if it came to divorcesplitting everythingI just cant. Let things stay as they are, she sighed heavily, peered out at the thickening dusk, chained to her worries.
Even if he left me this great house, what would I do, all alone in it? Houses this size take constant caresomethings always falling apart. George is always hammering, fixing, mending something, somewhere. Im afraid of being left with nothing. Im used to this life And what of the children? How could I tell them their fathers taken up with a younger woman? It would break their hearts.
Emily bore all the sorrow alone. She knew if she ever confessed it, plenty would blame her. Say, Respect yourself, get a grip, love yourself. Maybe thats right, Emily musedbut I do love my husband. Maybe his affair is but a passing thing. The important part, she thought, is that he treats me the samesoft and loving, no rows, just like the old days. Maybe it really is truelove yourself, and all will be well. I should think of me too
It was a heavy load for Emily, this burden, since Sallys appearance in her life. Difficult to carry on with George as if nothing happened, pretending all was normal while young and beautiful Sally haunted her thoughts. Odd as it was, Emily found herself resigned to sharing Georges bed with another.
Where is he now, off on business? I bet hes with her
A shiver ran through hermaybe she, too, could find another man? She was still attractive, often complimented but no, she couldn’t. The thought of a stranger by her side made her almost recoil. George was hersthe best, if only she could bring him back to her fully. Shed forgive his folly, even if it hurt. Men, after all, love differently or maybe she was wrong. Who could know what went on in their minds?
Emily drifted through memories of youth, a sad little smile curling her lips.
Back when we were poor, we had everything Renting that tiny bedsit, counting every penny till next payday, choosing between dinner or a trip to the pictures. Wed buy movie tickets and lose ourselves in films. Those days seem far offand yet, near, for how time flies. Now, we have everything and I am utterly alone. Theres not even anyone to talk to about it, and I darent bare my soul.
He decided to surprise his wife.
Emily sat absorbed in her thoughts, until she saw car lights sweeping the garden. George had returned and parked in the garage. He wandered into the house, kicked the mud from his boots.
Em, where are you? Why are you sitting in the dark? He glanced into the kitchen and flicked the light on, startling hershe hadnt noticed it had been night for ages.
Im here, she said softly. Just lost in my thoughts, and the storms so fierce outside.
Tell me about it. The lanes are blocked, nearly got stuck in the snow, everything blinding white. Im starvingput the kettle on, will you? he said, all ordinary concern.
Emily stood and busied herself, while George went to wash his hands. Over supper, he smiled across at her.
Listen, Em, New Years soon, and Ive got a surprise lined up for us.
Emily tensed; she wasnt fond of surprises anymore.
Oh? What sort of surprise? she asked, hardly daring to breathe.
George paused, watching her, clearly enjoying her suspense.
Ah, my dear wife, its been too long since we did anything together. Hang onIll just fetch it. He dashed into the hallway and returned, grinning. Look heretwo tickets for us. Were off to the seaside! Well ring in the New Year at Bournemouth, under the palm trees, so to speak. And he smiled with the old warmth.
Relief washed over Emily, as if a mountain rolled off her shoulders. Still not quite trusting, she said,
Oh, George, you never change, do you? Always pulling these surprises. Honestly, Id go tomorrow! Imagineby the sea in winter! I cant picture it, she laughed, happier than shed felt in months.
It was our sons suggestion, dont think it was just me. But truthfully, I wanted to treat you, get you away for a change of scene. So, start packing
Life took a turn for the better for Emily. They flew to Bournemouth, saw in the New Year by the sea, and returned home refreshed and content. George paid even more attention to her, always eager to come home, always ringing ahead if delayed, lest she worry. And Emily chose to keep on lovingfor herself most of all.
