I am ninety-three years old. They rang to try and swindle me. But once, I was an engineer.
That particular Tuesday morning, just as I was sipping my mint tea and examining a Sudoku puzzle, the telephone trilled in its usual, uncanny way. My mind is as keen as ever, even now sharp as it was when I was programming computers in the 60s.
Mrs. Barrow? crooned a syrupy voice. Were calling to inform you of some irregularities with your account. Weve detected suspicious activity.
Of course. Yet another one.
Oh, what a fright! I replied, summoning my most quivery, grandmotherly voice. What must I do, my dear boy?
Well, if you could confirm your bank card number for us.
Certainly, certainly let me just find my spectacles I let a moments hush creep in. Actually, perhaps you could read me the last four digits first, and Ill confirm them for you? Just to be sure youre truly legitimate.
A strange quiet settled.
That wont do, madam. We really need the whole number.
I see, I sighed. Just tell me one thing the line youre calling from, is it using a standard VoIP protocol, or is it running point-to-point encryption?
He hesitated again.
Madam, I just need
I ask, I continued, calm as a vicar at morning prayers, because while were chatting, Ive already traced your IP address. Hmm, an internet café how quaint. You know, forty years designing security systems does teach one a few things. I am a systems engineer by trade.
I madam
And another little curiosity, I said, Ive just activated a script on my line. Its extracting data from your device as we speak. Would you like me to read out your contact list, or shall I simply send it to the relevant authorities?
He audibly gulped.
Thats illegal
Illegal? I chuckled. My dear, I was writing code when your grandmother was still in pigtails. And, by the way, Im recording the entire conversation metadata included. Do you want to know the best part? I can see your screen now. Hello, Oliver. Lovely profile picture. Does your mother know what you get up to?
Click.
He hung up.
I laughed so hard I nearly splashed my tea everywhere. Afterwards, I rang my grandson the one forever teasing me about not being able to work technology.
Charlie, I said when he answered, Ive just outfoxed a would-be scammer trying to rob me. Are you still sure I dont know my way around the internet?There was a stunned silence. Then, the sound of Charlies laughter bubbled down the linewarm, proud, and irrepressible. Gran, youre a legend! Youve just given every scammer in England nightmares.
I smiled, gazing at the photograph of my late husband on the mantelpiece. Well, darling, one must keep the brain nimble in retirement.
After we hung up, I finished my tea and glanced at the half-finished Sudoku. I felt the quiet delight of a puzzle solved, of a tiny battle won. The world changes, yes, but I change with it. There is joyunexpected and gloriousat ninety-three, proving that some things, and some women, are never obsolete.
