Without Fault, Yet Blamed
Youre taking your daughter and leaving. Theres nothing left between us!
But, Alex
Ive said my piece! I never want to see you again!
The door slammed, and Helen swayed on her feet. The room blurred before her eyes, ringing filled her ears, and a distant, gentle voiceher mothers, perhapsseemed to cry: Dont you dare!
That recalled her to herself. Helen carefully stepped forward, then again, sinking onto a chair and digging her nails into her palms. The pain brought her backa sharp reality that chased away the fog encroaching on her mind.
No! Falling apart is not an option. Nor is flinging herself into despair. But oh, how she wished
Dont you dare! Youve got Katie. And No, best not to think of that just now. For now, pull yourself together and try to make sense of whats happened.
What could have made Alex turn so suddenly against her? Why was he driving her away? Just yesterday, everything seemed fine
Or was it?
At last, her head became clear, and Helen placed her hands palms-up on the table.
Righther mother had always said: If you dont know what to do, analyse! Break it down, finger by finger. Or better yet, grab a pencil and write a list!
But the pencils were in the other room, where Katie was sleeping.
Her daughter always slept lightly and Helen didnt want to wake her. If Katie grew fussy, shed cry, and Helen would never get a quiet moment to think through what had just happened.
She had to work with what she had.
Helen glanced at her hands and unconsciously balled them into fists. Her nails were long overdue for a decent manicure, but it seemed too much bother these days. Her skin roughened by gardening, covered with faint frecklesthose always appeared when she spent too much time under the English sun, tending the veggies or the flower beds. Who would have thought shed fall in love with keeping house, erasing almost everything her mother had tried to teach her?
Helen, youre a woman!
No, Im a girl!
Not for long! Youre a girl now, but soon enough youll be growna young lady, then a woman, like me. And a woman simply must look after herself! Always! No matter what. Manicures, pedicures, tidy hair! Well-kept hands say more about you than any fancy dress. You cant be wearing diamonds if you havent washed your neck in a week! Understand?
Yes, Mum! Eight-year-old Helen would say, smearing on her mothers lipstick in front of the mirror.
And thats quite enough, madam! her mum would laugh, taking back the lipstick. That colours not for you! And youre far too young to be painting your face just yet. No needyoure beautiful enough just as you are. Theres a right time for everything. When youre older, well choose some make-up together.
But, Mum
Thats that! Ive said my piece!
Helen didnt hear such final words from her mother often, but when she didshe knew better than to argue further. Her mums word, once given, was law.
About everything
Helen, I have to go away. Youll stay with Granny for a while. Its just how it has to be.
Mum, is it for long? Helen, whod just turned ten, twisted her skirt between her fingers and bit her lip, fighting back tears.
Six months. Ive been offered a really good job. But its up north, and I cant bring you. Youll be better off here, with Granny. Shell look after you and Ill call and write all the time.
Mum, please dont go
Inevitably, Helen would start to cry, and her motherhelpless to soothe herwould lose patience.
Thats enough! Stop it! I have no other choice. If I dont take this job, well never get our own place! I want you to have your own room! For us to go to the seaside! If Dad were still here, I wouldnt dream of this. But Im on my own now, for you and for Granny!
But what about Aunt Doris? Cant she help? Helen shook her head, refusing to listen.
Doris has her own troubles, and she needs some help, too.
Help me, then! Stay! Helen blurted, and for the first time saw her mothers eyes turn flinty.
Helen! Her mothers voice was so icy, Helen shivered. You cant always think only of yourself! Thats nothing but selfishness. If you dont learn to look after others, dont expect anyone to look after you. Got it? And right now, Im thinking of you first! I want you to have everything you need! Her mothers tone softened as she gathered Helen close. I promise, just this once! Bear with it, sweetheart. Please.
Helen could only nod, even while her heart was torn to shreds by a whole pack of cats clawing inside her chest.
So Helen wrote to her mother and each weekend clutched the phone, calling to say how much she missed her. Sometimes she missed her so much, shed even go off her beloved ice cream. The days dragged endlessly, it seemed, and when Granny announced Mum was coming home, Helen cried so hard they had to call a taxitheir bus would have gone without them while Helen was being calmed.
Her mum kept her word. She never went away for that long again. Little work trips, yes, but never that kind of separation.
They did movefrom the small flat Helens dad had left them, to a bigger one where Helen finally had her own room. But she hardly spent time there. Shed scoop up her homework and head straight to the kitchen as soon as mum came home, keeping her company through the brief evenings. Sometimes even in silence, if Mum brought work home.
They simply enjoyed being together.
Somehow, the teenage storms passed them by. There were hardly any arguments, as Helens mother handled everything with such patience and tact that Helen was, later on, amazed by the amount of love her slight mum managed to give, unsupported by anyone else. Granny was gone by thenthey had only each other.
Her mum didnt speak to her sister.
Helen never pushed for details, but one day she asked. Her mum answered plainly.
You can forgive anything, except betrayal.
But who did Aunt Doris betray?
Our mother. Your gran. Mum wanted to see her, to say goodbye, but Doris didnt come
Why not?
She was afraid Id ask her to stay and help out. It was her duty, too. But she said she couldnt handle seeing Mum like that, feeding her by hand as if she were a baby Or watching the light fade from the woman whod always been our strength.
And you could? Helen protested.
I couldnt, either, her mother admitted, her lips trembling so that Helen hugged her. I didnt want to see her like that, but I had no choice, Helen! She was my mum. She deserved to leave this world peacefully, surrounded by familiar faces Even if she barely remembered us.
Is that why you let me see Gran only for a few minutes each day?
Yes, darling. I didnt want you to remember her like that.
You know, I dont. I remember her teaching me how to make jam and skim the froth off with a spoon. Shed show me how to put it on a saucer and then eat it with the tiniest spoon. It tasted best that way
Mum and Doris did the same when we were girls
I dont get it! She raised you the same, loved you both Why are you so different?
That happens, Helen. Mum always worried over Doris being so sickly as a child. Maybe thats why she tried to shield her from everything, not just colds? Who knows
Did it work?
What?
Did she protect her?
No. You know how Doriss life turned out. Two marriages, three children, always struggling I cant say whether Mum was right to try to protect her so much. But I know it taught me how not to be with you.
So you think shielding your child from everything isnt right?
Not quite. You must protect your children, of course! But wisely! What kind of parent abandons their child to their fate? Thats unthinkable. But theres nothing good in wrapping a child in cotton wool and trying to live their life for them. Thats wrong, Helen! Theres good and badsuccesses and falls, bruises and lessons. Few learn from anothers mistakes. We usually learn from our own. What I learned from Doriss struggles: perhaps, if Mum hadnt cushioned all her falls, Doris might have coped better someday. Who knows? All I can promise is this: Ill always be here to help and support youbut not to solve every problem. When you face trouble, sit down and think. If you really cant manage aloneIll be here. Always.
Yes, Mum
Now Helen sits and thinks, counting each option on her fingers, trying to see where things went wrong, and when.
The day before, they were hosting Alexs birthday. Nothing big, just family. Thankfully, its summer! There’s plenty of space in the house Helen and Alex had finally finished renovating last year.
Helens mum came, along with her mother-in-law, and Alexs sister with her husband and their kids.
Katie, delighted to have company, dashed around the garden, pestering Helen with questions.
When are they coming? Are they here yet? Can we swim in the pool? And
The questions kept coming until Helen stopped answering altogether. It didnt matter. Katie answered half of them herself, busying herself by tidying her room. After all, could you receive guests in a mess?
Alex had gone to the market, and soon the kitchen was bustling. Helens mum helped and checked on how she was feeling.
Mum, youre fussingwhats up? Helen finally asked.
Its nothing, love! How far along are you?
Helen realised then her hidden secretone shed kept even from herselfwas no secret any more. And it felt wonderful. She laughed, hugging her mother.
Very early. Just three weeks. I havent even told Alex yet. How did you know?
Youre glowing, darling. Just like when you were carrying Katie.
Mum, Im scared
What on earth for, silly girl? Dont you and Alex have everything you could wish for?
I dont know Something feels off. Alex has been so withdrawn, and I cant figure out why
Have you asked him?
He wont say a word!
Maybe youre not asking the right way!
Mum!
Oh, dont mum me! Isnt it true? If your husband looks glum for no reason, you need to pin him down and find out whats wrong! I clearly taught you something else in your childhood! Never let your loved ones drift awaynot even for a second! Otherwise, they may find someone else to confide in. And who knows where that leads
Helen checked off another finger. That was it! It began with that very conversation. Her worries had been so vague, barely a whisperuntil her mother insisted that she talk to Alex.
But she never got the chance. First, the party; then all the cleaning up after the guests. She didnt find even a moment to take Alexs hand and ask what was wrong.
Then he said what she didnt understand: Take your daughter and leave.
That was it! What sort of accusation was that?
Helen clenched her fists. No. This time shed do everything rightas her mother had taught her. First steptalk to her husband. Enough mysteries!
Alex was starting the car, ready to leave. Helen dashed from the house, her shout scattering the sparrows bickering under the eaves.
Stop!
She leapt down the step and ran to the gate.
Alex stared, mouth open, as she planted herself in front of his car, hands flat on the bonnet.
Move, he said dully, but Helen could hear in his voice the thing shed hoped for.
Alex didnt want to really leave. Or give up his family. She wasnt wrong.
Get out! Lets talk, before Katie wakes up! Whats gotten into you? Where are you going? What do you mean? Am I your wife or a stranger to you?
Helens voice rose, and Alex felt himself tense inside.
Would she shout like this if she didnt care, as his sister had claimed? Why stop him if all she wanted was her freedom? Didnt she want Katie to stay with her real dad?
Eventually, he got out of the car, mumbling in answer:
As if you dont know why Im doing this.
If I knew, I wouldnt ask! Alex, whats going on? Youve been a stranger for weeks! And today you just explode! What did you just call Katie? Why my daughter? What is she to you?
I dont know! Alex blurted, for the first time looking her in the eye. You tell me! Whos her father? Why is Katies dad meeting her in secret?
Thats utter nonsense! Helen stared, stunned. Have you lost your mind?
Who is it you meet in town when you take Katie to lessons?
Helen gasped but held herself together.
So thats it! Who opened your eyes? Your mum? Or your precious sister?
My mum has nothing to do with it!
Right. Angela, then!
So what if it was? She had every right to tell me what she saw! Im her brother!
And Im your wife! Helen could feel a storm of fury rising up. Youll believe anyone over me? Trust anyone apart from me?
You lied to me.
Did I? Alex, listen to yourself! When? What did I ever lie about?
That man. Who is he? Whos the man you and Katie walk with in the park twice a week?
Helen sighed, shaking her head.
I told you! You never listen! You were going to watch the footballsome cup or otherand when Katie and I got back from her piano lesson, I told you Id bumped into my old classmateSimon. Hes been living away for years, but now hes home caring for his ill mum. He found out my nan had the same illness and asked me for the doctors details. Weve met a couple more timesif your sister had looked closer, shed have seen that my own mother joined us each time! Do you really think Id meet a lover in front of my mother? Shed never forgive me! Id even say she loves you more than me sometimes! Shes always respected you. And you
Helen broke off, wiping her eyes.
She would not cry. Not now.
Wait! So youre saying
Alex, Ive said it all! You believed a wicked rumour. Just like that. You forgot everything that binds us and smeared my love, our childs name, through the mud. Do you even understand what youve done? I dont care why Angela made up such storiesand, frankly, I dont want to know. She came to our house, brought discord, and smiled at me all evening without so much as a hint of her treachery! But whatever. Whats done is done. What you did hurts more, Alex. What do you want now? A DNA test? Fine! Well do it! Just so you have no doubt that the child who sees the world through your eyes is yours!
Helen listened, then sighed.
Shes awake.
And with that, she turned and walked back into the house, leaving her husband standing in the driveway, baffled.
Within moments, she heard the car finally pull away.
Katie chattered as Helen hugged her, demanding attention. Helen felt so heartsick she wanted to howl.
Why did this happen? What did she do wrong? What is she supposed to do next? Call Mum? Tell her all? Or wait and reflect a while?
Never tell me about your rows with Alexunless its truly the end. Then, call me any time, day or nightIll come straight away. But until then, keep it to yourself. Youll quarrel, then make up. And Ill never forgive him for hurting my child if you discuss it too soon.
Helen turned her phone over in her hands, then set it aside. Not yet Alex should know he is to be a father again. Then shell decide what to do next.
With that decision, she calmed a little. By the time Alexs car screeched to a halt at the gate, she was almost herself again.
She was feeding Katie in the kitchen when the door burst open and Alex all but dragged Angela inside.
Get in! Helen, where are you?!
Im here Helen glanced at Katie and quickly rememberedit would be wrong for her young daughter to witness a row.
Katie, darling, are you done? Go into my room and put on a cartoon. Can you manage?
Yes! Katie pushed away her plate of half-uneaten vegetables and shot out of the kitchen. Hi Daddy! Good morning, Auntie Angela! Mum said I can watch cartoons!
Her bright little voice steadied the adults. Alex let go of his sister, and Helen spoke first, to head off worse foolishness.
Off you go, Katie. Ill come up in a minute.
Dont rush, Mum! Katie beamed at her aunt and scampered upstairs to the main bedroom.
The conversation was tough. Angela sobbed, Alex fumed, and Helen didnt know how to react to her sister-in-laws sudden honesty.
I really thought you were lying to him! You know how many friends I have in broken marriages where the husbands clueless while the wife does whatever she wants? Ive heard so many stories, I cant trust anyone anymore!
So, Angela, you decided Im just like your friends? Do you cheat on your husband, too? Are your children even his?
Angela gaped, tears drying instantly in her shock.
What on earth are you saying?!
What are YOU saying, Angela? Do you understand what you almost caused with your foolishness? Never mind Alexhe at least has reason to trust you. But you used that trust for what? Why?
I dont know Angela hung her head and wept freely. Honestly, I thought I was protecting him
From me? Did it work?
Helen shrugged, looking at Alex.
Sorted now? Any more questions for me?
Helen
No, Alex. Thats enough. Now Im hurt. I need some time to work out what I want next. Angela, Id rather you didnt visit for now. Surely you know why?
Im sorry Angela sobbed.
Ill think about it. In the meantime, you both need to leave. Helen rose, opening the hallway door. She nodded at Alex. You too. Youve understood things perfectly. Go
Helen would forgive her husband, but not at once, and on her terms. No one in the family other than Angela would ever know what truly passed between them. Sometimes, its better not to air dirty laundry. For understanding that, Helen would always thank her mother.
And, later, her mother would take the newborn in her arms, fuss over how much the baby looked like his dad with Alexs mother, and give Helen a little proud smile.
Youve grown wise, my girl. Youre a wonderful wife and mother.
Really?
Have I ever lied to you?
Mum, what does it mean, wise? I dont feel that way
The wisdom of a woman, darling, is in keeping everything life gives herher children, her family, her home, her friends drawing them in, nurturing them, making everyone feel warm and safe. Its not easy! You have to know what to treasure and what to cast off so as not to ruin what you have. I think youve learned that.
Do you?
I do! By the way, Simon called. Hes getting married next month and sends you and Alex an invitation.
Mum
No more mum-ing! Ill mind the little ones. But please, do one thing for me, will you?
What, Mum?
Sort your hands outget a proper manicure!
Alright, then.
Helen will hug her mum, give a nod to her husband and to Angelahovering on the edges of the gatheringand wink at Katie.
Come on, you. Time to help me settle your baby brother.
Can I, Mum? Katies face will light up as she gently touches the little ones curled fist.
You must, sweetheart. You mustYou must, sweetheart. Hell remember your touch his whole life, just like you remember mine.
Helen smiled, feeling her heart steady with certaintythe kind found only after surviving the fiercest storms. As Katie nestled close, baby brother dozing in the crook of her small arms, Alexs shadow fell gently behind them. He stayed quiet, but his hand found Helens, their fingers threading together, questions and doubts dissolving in that simple, unbreakable gesture.
Angela watched from the doorway, eyes rimmed red, but when Katie glanced her way and waved, she managed a hopeful smile. There would be work to mend what had been torn, but Helen saw nowthat was part of wisdom, too: not pretending perfection, but building trust again, pebble by careful pebble.
The sun traced golden lattices over the floor, and somewhere outside, sparrows squabbled in the hedge, oblivious to heartbreak, reconciliation, or any human failure. Helen pressed her lips to Katies hair, then to the babys tiny brow, a promise unspoken in each gentle touch: whatever the world hurled their way, she would meet it, unfaltering, protecting the warmth at their familys core.
She caught her mothers eye, laughter shining just beneath the surface, and together they watched three generations bloom anewrooted in lessons learned, mistakes forgiven, and love that proved, again and again, stronger than even doubt itself.
Outside, Alexs old carthreatening to break down but stubborn as its ownergleamed beneath the sun. Helen grinned, almost hearing her grans voice: If youve a good heart and hands willing, no trouble lasts forever.
Helen thought: Maybe thats true. Maybe some things, once nearly lost, return even stronger, like flowers after a long, hard frost.
And for the first time in weeks, Helen let herself hopeunafraid, unwounded. Whatever came next, she was ready.
