Mum Was Tired
Vera shouted at the cashier so loudly that the poor womans hands shook.
How much longer are you going to take? If you cant do your job, you should stay at home!
Im sorry The elderly woman was already scanning groceries quickly, but somehow managed to speed up.
Vera, her husband touched her arm gently, Thats enough now, lets go.
She spun round, snapping back, And you just keep quiet! Who asked you?
James dropped his gaze and fell silent. He always did.
***
The smell of herbed chicken drifted through the house. Her mother-in-law, Margaret Brown, stood at the stove stirring a pot of soup.
Oh, youre back! Ive just made some chicken noodle soup. Sit down and Ill dish you up.
How many times have I asked you not to take over my kitchen? Vera hissed. Are you living here permanently now, or just visiting?
Margaret went pale and set her spoon down.
I was only trying to help
I dont need your help! snapped Vera. I can manage perfectly well on my own!
Seven-year-old Charlie darted out of his bedroom.
Mum, hello! Oscar from next door said I was a wimp. But Im not, am I?
Go away, Vera barked, Cant you see Im busy?
Charlie stopped dead, glancing helplessly at his gran, who looked away.
Vera stormed off, slamming her bedroom door.
***
Thats how it always was.
Every day seemed the same. Vera woke up angry, fell asleep angry, and spent the hours in-between shouting at whoever was near: her husband, her mother-in-law, her son, cashiers, workmates, even strangers passing by.
Now and then, shed wonder, just for a moment, What am I doing? But the thought would evaporate, swallowed by a heavy black emptiness she couldnt escape.
James endured it. He was used to it. Ten years of marriage had taught him one thing: keep quiet and dont draw attention.
He worked two jobs, brought in the money, did whatever Vera asked. At night, after Vera fell asleep, hed sit in the kitchen, fingertips wrapped around a cooling mug of tea, staring at nothing, lost in thought.
Margaret had come three months ago to help with Charlie while his parents worked. Shed agreed to stay but now felt Veras glare every dayfull of irritation and spite.
Charlie Charlie just existed. He ran about, played, asked questions. Each time he went up to his mum, he hit a brick wall.
He used to cry, but then stopped. Hed retreat to his grandmother and just sit with herbecause it was quieter that way.
***
On Friday, what had happened so many times before happened again.
Vera came home from work absolutely furious: her boss had bawled her out, a colleague had undermined her, and someone had stepped on her foot on the underground.
Just before she came in, Charlie had spilt juice all over the new beige sofa they were still paying off.
Charlie stood next to the empty glass, staring in horror at the spreading red stain.
What have you done?! Vera shrieked as she entered the flat, Do you know how much this sofa cost?!
I didnt mean to, Mum. Please, dont yell. I get scared
Oh, youre scared, are you? shouted Vera, angrier now. All you ever do is break things and make my life miserable!
Mum, Im sorry
Go to your room! I dont want to see you!
Charlie slunk away. Vera kept yelling at the empty hallway until her voice gave out.
***
That night, Vera couldnt sleep. She went into the kitchen and sat by the window. Rain trickled down the glass outside.
She sat watching the raindrops slide down the window, thinking how tired she was of everything. How she wished it would all stop. That everyone would just leave her in peace. That there could finally be silence.
Without realising, Vera dozed off at the table.
She awoke cold at about four in the morning.
The house was silent. James slept, Margaret slept, Charlie slept.
Vera got up to use the bathroom and, passing Charlies room on the way back, noticed the door was slightly ajar. She peeked in just to check if hed thrown off his covers.
Charlie was fast asleep, curled up around his pillow. On his desk, next to the bed, was an open exercise book, the cover coloured in with tanks and helicopters.
Vera turned to leave, but her eyes were caught by a scrawled word:
Mum.
She picked up the exercise book and sat at the edge of his bed, reading.
It was a diary.
The first entry was from September.
Today Mum shouted again. Dad said shes just tired. I tried to hug her, but she pulled away. It must be because Im bad.
Vera swallowed hard. She turned the page.
October. Today was Grans birthday. I drew her a card with flowers. I wanted to give it to her in the morning but Mum yelled at Dad again, so I didnt. I put it under my pillow. Maybe Ill give it to her tomorrow, when Mums out.
Next entry.
November. I broke the toy car Dad gave me on purpose. I thought if I broke my own things, Mum wouldnt shout. But she did shout. She said I dont appreciate anything and Im stupid.
Veras hands began to tremble.
December. Its almost Christmas. I wrote to Father Christmas and asked if he could make Mum stop shouting. Its a shame you cant get that as a present.
January. At school, we had to write what we want to be when we grow up. I wrote that Id like to be invisible so Mum wouldnt see me and never shout. My teacher was surprised and called Dad. Dad came and talked to me. He said Mum is actually kind and its just hard for her right now. I know. I remember how she used to be. She hugged me and laughed. Now she never laughs.
Vera sat frozen to the spot, tears falling onto the diary, making the ink blur.
February. Today I spilt juice on the sofa. Mum shouted for ages. When she shouts, I feel like Im dying a bit at a time. First my ears, then my heart, then my soul. I lay down and closed my eyes. I wondered, if I died in my sleep, would she cry? Or would she just say, Good, thats one less problem?
The diary slipped from Veras hands. Her shoulders shook, but no sound escaped hershe was terrified of waking her son. Terrified, too, of being seen like this. She was just plain afraidof everything.
She sat there a long time. Twenty minutes, maybe an hour. At last, she picked up the diary, set it back on the desk, and slipped out.
She returned to her bed, lay down next to James, and stared at the ceiling until dawn.
***
In the morning, Charlie was the first to stir.
He stretched, sat up in bed, and remembered the night before. He sighed.
He crept into the hallway and listened: silence. Odd. Mum was usually already up, banging about as she scolded everyone for being so slow.
He peeked into the kitchen.
Mum was sitting at the table. She wasnt shouting; she wasnt making a racket. She was just sitting, staring out the window, a mug of long-cold tea in front of her.
Mum? Charlie called, cautiously.
She turned, her face unfamiliarneither angry nor weary, but somehow different. Charlie couldnt tell quite what.
Good morning, Vera said softly. Come have some breakfast.
He sat at the table. Mum placed a bowl of porridge in front of him and sat across.
Charlie ate, sneaking glances at his mum, waiting for the usual storm. But nothing happened.
Mum, he said finally, Are you all right?
Im fine, she replied.
Why arent you talking?
Im just thinking.
What about?
Vera looked at her son, holding his gaze. Then she reached out and brushed his hair gently. Just because.
Im thinking about you, she said quietly. About us.
Charlie paused, spoon half-raised.
Mum, are you ill?
No, love. On the contraryI think Im starting to get better.
He didnt really understand, but nodded. It didnt matter, as long as she wasnt angry.
Finish up, said Vera. Time for school.
Charlie gulped his tea, got ready, and headed for the door.
Mum, he said shyly, Will you um will you shout again tonight?
Vera knelt in front of him.
Listen to me, she said firmly. I cant promise Ill never fail, but Im really going to try not to shout. Ill try very hard. So youll never have to be scared again, all right?
Charlie nodded.
And if I forget? he whispered.
If I forget, just say, Youre doing it again? and Ill remember.
Remember what?
Ill remember everything, she said, kissing his forehead. Go on now.
Charlie left.
Vera stood in the hallway, listening as the lift doors closed. Then silence.
James wandered out, bleary-eyed and rumpled.
Youre up early, he remarked.
Couldnt sleep.
He studied her, concerned.
Everything okay?
It will be, Vera replied. Go have your breakfast.
James wandered into the kitchen, and Vera followed.
They sat at the table. He poured his tea.
James, Vera said suddenly. Why do you love me?
He choked on his tea.
What?
Why do you love me? I mean, Ive become a monster.
He set his mug down, looking at her earnestly.
Youre not a monsteryouve just forgotten who you are.
And who am I?
Youre many things, James smiled gently. You can be warm, funny, tender. You used to hug so hard my ribs ached. I remember all of it, Vera. Its you who forgot
Vera said nothing.
Im holding on, waiting for the old you, James added. However long it takes.
She reached over and squeezed his hand.
***
That day, for the first time, she didnt shout at anyone.
After school, Charlie came in, flung his schoolbag down, and hugged her for no reason.
Mum, I got top marks today!
Well done, said Vera, beaming. Im proud of you.
He froze, startled.
Really?
Really.
Charlie grinned, wider than he had in ages.
Mum? Today at school I kept hoping maybe youd hug me tonight. And you did.
Silly thing, Vera pulled him close. From now on, Ill give you a hug every single day!
***
That evening, Vera walked into Charlies room. He was already asleep. On his desk lay that very same exercise book.
Vera picked it up, turned to the last page, and pulled out a pen. At the bottom, beneath his words, she wrote:
Charlie, I love you very much. Im so sorry. Im going to try my very best.
Mum.
***
Sometimes, true change begins the moment we see ourselves through the eyes of those we love.
