Without Fault but Yet to Blame
Youre taking your daughter and leaving. There is nothing more between us!
But, James
Ive said it all! I dont ever want to see you again!
The door slammed shut and Emma swayed, the room blurring as something like a buzzing began in her ears. Somewhere far away, a voice, so reminiscent of her mothers, seemed to cry out, Dont you dare!
That snapped her back. Emma steadied herself, took a careful step, then another, before sinking onto a wooden chair, her nails digging into her palms. The pain grounded her, clearing the fog threatening to swallow her whole.
No! I mustnt fall apart! Theres no time for wallowing, no room for despair! Even though, oh how fiercely I want to
No, she must not! There was Katie to think of. And No, best not to even turn her mind to that just yet. For now, she had to gather herself and try to untangle how things came to this.
What could have so abruptly turned James against her? Why was he driving her away? Just yesterday, everything had seemed perfectly ordinary
Or had it?
Emmas mind began to clear, and she placed her hands palms-up on the table.
All right. How did her mother teach her? When youre at a loss, think things through! Break it down, count it out on your fingers. Or better yet, get a pencil and jot it down!
But the pencils were in the sitting room, where Katie was still fast asleep…
Her daughter had always been a light sleeper, and waking her now was out of the question. Katie would become fretful, perhaps even start to cry, and then Emma would never get to calmly collect her thoughts.
Shed have to make do.
Emma looked at her knuckles, instinctively clenching her fists. Her nails, neglected for some time nowthe result of too much to do and too little time for vanityher skin roughened and freckled, as happened every summer she lost herself in the garden. Who would have guessed shed become so devoted to keeping house and forget everything her mother once taught her?
Emma, youre a lady!
No! Im a girl!
Thats now. One day youll be a young woman, and then a lady, like me. A lady can never let herself gonot ever, under any circumstances! Manicures, neat hair, tidy handsthose say volumes more about you than an expensive frock. You cant wear pearls if your neck hasnt been washed for a week, you know?
Yes, Mum, eight-year-old little Emma, standing before the looking-glass, smeared on her mothers lipstick.
Thats enough of that for now! Her mother laughed, plucking the lipstick away. That shade isnt for youand youre much too young to be painting your face. Youre perfectly lovely as you are! Theres a time and a place for it all. When youre older, Ill help you choose your own.
Oh, Mum…
Thats settled!
Her mother rarely spoke so firmly. But when she did, Emma knew there was no point arguing. Her mother was a woman of her word.
In everything
Emma, I have to go away. Youll stay with Gran for a while. Its just how it has to be.
Mum, is it for long? Ten the day before, Emma twisted her dress hem in her fists, biting her lip, fighting tears.
Six months. Ive been offered an excellent job, but its up North, and its no place for a child. Itll be better for you herewith Gran. Shell look after you, and Ill phone and write you letters.
Mum, dont go
Emmas tears came then, and her mother, frustrated and powerless to comfort her, lost patience.
Thats enough! I have no choice! If I dont take this work now, well never afford to move out of Grans flat. I want you to have your own room! To go to the seaside together! If your father were alive, I wouldnt have to think twice. But now its all on mejust me, for you and Gran.
But theres Auntie Ruth! Emma shook her head, unwilling to listen.
Auntie Ruth has her own troubles. She needs help too.
Well, help me instead! Just stay! cried Emma, for the first time seeing her mothers eyes turn cold.
Emma! Her mothers tone was ice, and the girl shivered. You cant think only of yourself! Thats wrong. If you never think of others, one day no one will think of you. Im thinking first and foremost of you. I want for you to want for nothing! Her mother softened, pulling Emma to her. I promise, this will be the first and last time. Be brave for me, love. Please.
Emma nodded, agreeing, though her heart felt shredded by a pack of wild cats.
She wrote her mum letters constantly, and every weekend, clutching the phone, wailed for her to come home. She missed her so much she even turned down her favourite ice cream some days. Time crawled by, endless. When Gran said they were off to meet Mum at the station, Emma howled with such relief it warranted a taxi. It took ages to calm her down!
Her mother kept her word. Never again did she leave Emma for so long. There were occasional business trips, but nothing like that first separation.
They moved out of the small city flatthe one Emmas father left themand into a bigger one. Emma had her own bedroom at last. But she spent little time in it. Shed scoop her books and exercise books off her desk and dash to the kitchen the moment her mum got home from work. Theyd spend their evenings togethersometimes in peaceful silence if her mother had work to catch up on at home.
They were simply at ease together.
The usual teen troubles skipped over them. There was never much rowdiness or sulks; her mums tact and patience amazed Emma later, as she realised what a well of love lived in that fragile woman who had no one to lean on. By then, Gran had gone, and Emma and her mum were truly alone.
Her mother didnt talk to her own sister.
Emma never pressed, but once she did ask and received a stark answer.
Anything can be forgiven and understood, except betrayal.
Who did Auntie Ruth betray?
Our mum, your Gran. She begged Ruth to visit. Wanted one last talk. But Ruth didnt come
Why?
She was afraid Id ask her to stay and help at the end. And it was her duty too. She didnt want to say she couldnt stand to see Mum so ill. She couldnt bear to feed or wash her, like a baby couldnt watch as her mind faded and left her body
And you could?! Emmas outrage was fierce.
I couldnt either, her mother said quietly, though her mouth trembled so much that Emma reached to hug her tight. But I didnt have a choice! Do you understand? None at all! She was my mother. I was bound to do whatever I could to let her pass with peace, with us nearbyeven if she barely recognised us.
Is that why you didnt let me see Gran for more than a few minutes each day?
Yes. I didnt want you remembering her like that.
You know, I hardly remember at all I dont recall her lying there or what she said then, but I do remember her showing me how to make jam, and how to scoop the pink frothy scum off the topplace it on a saucer and eat it with the tiniest spoon. That was delicious
We used to do that as girls, Ruth and I
I dont understand! She raised you both the same, loved and cared for youso why are you two so different?
It happens, love. Mum always cosseted Ruth, she was a sickly child. Perhaps thats why she determined to shield her from everything, not just colds. Who knows
Did it work?
What?
Did it keep her safe?
No. You know yourself how Auntie Ruths life turned out. Two husbands, three children, a life lived with strife and urgency, as if never for herself I cant say how right Mum was to coddle Ruth, but I do know this: It taught me how not to treat you.
You mean we shouldnt shield our children from everything?
No, not like that. We must help our children, yes, but sensibly. How can you call yourself a mother if you wouldnt help? Thats right, thats good. But theres nothing wise about putting your child under a glass dome, trying to live her life for her as well. Thats wrong, Emma! Ups and downs, bumps and lessonsthats whats good! Few learn from other peoples missteps; we learn from our own. Looking at how Ruth faces her own troubles, I sometimes think, if our mother hadnt so softened every blow for her, who knows how Ruths life might have turned out? Maybe, if shed faced hardships, things would be different I dont know. All I can say is, I will always support and help you if you need me. But dont ask me to solve all your problems. If youre in a fix, sit and think. If you truly cant manage, Im here. Ill always be here. Do you understand?
Yes, Mum
Now Emma sat, counting off on her fingers, trying to pinpoint exactly when things had gone wrong.
The day before had been Jamess birthday. It wasnt a milestone, so theyd simply planned a small family gatheringjust those closest. It was, after all, summer. Their own newly finished house had plenty of space for everyone at last.
Emmas mother arrived, along with her mother-in-law and Jamess sister, Sarah, with her husband and children.
Katie, thrilled at the prospect of other children, scampered round the garden, pestering her mother:
Are they coming soon? When? Will we swim in the paddling pool? And
On and on her questions flew until Emma stopped answering. There was no need. Katie chatted on, answering herself, while bustling about her room: You cant have guests if your rooms a mess!
James popped to the market, and soon the kitchen was a hive of activity. Emmas mother helped prepare food and asked how she was feeling.
Mum, why are you looking at me like that? Is something wrong? Emma eventually protested.
Alls just as it should be, love! her mother replied, smiling. How far along are you?
Emma realised then that the secret she was barely admitting even to herself was no longer secret at all. The weight fell from her shoulders and she laughed, clasping her mum.
Early days, just three weeks. I havent even told James yet. How did you know?
Youre glowing. Like a little lantern. You were just the same when you carried Katie.
Mum, I feel worried
What for, silly thing? Everythings as it should be for you and James!
I dont know Just unsettled, somehow. James has been moody lately. I dont understand it
Have you asked him?
Hes not talking!
Perhaps youre not asking the right way!
Oh, Mum!
Am I wrong? Your husbands sulking and you cant pin him down to find out whats going on? I must not have raised you properly! Never let your loved ones drift even half a step away. If you let them go, they find others to talk towho knows what can come of such conversations
Emma ticked another finger and sawthere it was. It had all started with this talk. Shed been uneasy, but failed to pay heed until her mother suggested she speak with James.
Except she hadnt managed it yet. There was the party, then the post-guest clean-up, and she never found the right moment to take her husbands hand and ask what was wrong.
Then hed said those words she simply couldnt comprehend:
Take your daughter!
What nonsense was this?
Emma balled her fists. No, enough was enough. Now she would do exactly as her mother taught her. First things first: talk to her husband! No more riddles.
James backed the car out of the garage, about to drive off, when Emma darted out onto the porch and shouted so loudly the sparrows in the hedge exploded into the sky.
Stop!
She dashed down the steps and ran to the gate.
James stared, mouth open, as she stood before the car, hands pressed against the bonnet.
Move, he muttered, but Emma heard, plain as day, what shed hoped for.
James didnt want to leave. Didnt want to abandon his family either. Shed been right.
Get out! Were talking, now, before Katie wakes! Whats all this? Where are you running off to? What was that talk in there? Am I your wife, or a stranger off the street?
Emmas voice gathered pace, and James shrank beneath its force.
Would she really be shouting at him like this, if she didnt care for himas his sister claimed? Why would Emma have stopped him leaving, if all she wanted was her freedom? Did he not want Katie to grow up with her own father?
He finally climbed from the car and, gloomily, replied, As if you dont know why.
If I did, I wouldnt be asking! James, whats going on? Youve been a different person for weeks. And today youre absolutely beside yourself! What was that you said? Do you even realise? Why did you call Katie my daughter? Who is she to you, then?
Thats just it! I dont know! James blurted, meeting her eye at last. You tell me! Whos her father? Why does he meet her in secret?
What utter rubbish! Emma gaped. Have you hit your head?
Who do you meet in town when you take Katie to her lessons?
Emmas indignation nearly silenced her, but she got a grip.
So thats it! Who opened your eyes? My mother? Or your sister?
Mums got nothing to do with this!
Ah! It was Sarah then.
And if it was? Doesnt she owe it to me, as her brother, to tell me what shes seen?
And IIm your wife! Emma felt the anger rising like a tidal wave. Youll listen to anyone but me! You trust anyonejust not me! Is that it?
You lied to me!
Did I? James, listen to yourself! When? In what?
Who is that man, who walks in the park with you and Katie twice a week? Who is he?!
Oh, for goodness sake! I already told you, James. But you clearly werent listening.
When? What did you say?
You were off to watch the footballsome league or other. Katie and I got home from her lessons, and I told you Id run into an old school friend, Simon. He was away for years, but now hes come back to look after his ill mother. He heard my Gran had the same condition, so he asked to meet and get the doctors and carers contact details. Weve met a few times since. If your sister had looked properly, shed have seen Mum was with us too! You really think Id meet a lover with my mother present? Shed never have forgiven me! Sometimes, I think my mother loves you more than she loves me! She always held you in highest regard. And you
Emmas voice faltered, nose twitching.
She would not cry. Not now. Absolutely not.
Wait! So youre saying
James, Ive told you now! You believed a malicious lie, forgot everything that binds us, dragged my love and our childs name through the mud! Do you realise what youve done? I dont care why Sarah spun such nonsenseI truly dont want to know! Yesterday, she smiled at me all evening, not a hint of her scheming! Thats nothing though. What troubles me is what youve done, James! What do you want? A DNA test? Fine! Lets do it, so you can see for yourself your daughter, who looks at the world through your own eyes, really is yours!
Emma listened. Katie was awake.
She turned and walked inside, leaving James on the drive, still stunned.
Moments later, she heard the car depart.
Katie chattered, wrapping her arms around Emma, demanding attention. But Emma felt so sick at heart she wanted to howl.
Why had this happened? What had she done so wrong? What now? Should she call her mother? Tell her what had occurred? Or should she pause, weigh things up before acting?
Never tell me about your rows with Jamesunless youre utterly sure its the end and theres nothing left between you. Not until then! If that happens, ring me. Ill come at any hour. Until thenhush. Youll quarrel and make up, but I will never forgive him the hurt. I could never trust him again, for daring to wound my child.
Emma turned her phone over in her hands and set it aside. Too soon James deserved to know he would be a father again before anything else. After that, she would decide what comes next.
With her decision made, Emma felt calmer. So when Jamess car screeched back to the gate a little while later, she was steadier.
She was feeding Katie in the kitchen when James burst in with Sarah in tow.
Go on, then! Emma, where are you?
Im here Emma nodded to her daughter.
Katie had better not see this row. That wouldnt do.
Love, have you finished eating? Go up to my room and watch a cartoon, will you? Can you manage?
Yes! Katie dropped her fork, all but flying from the table. Hi, Daddy! Hello, Auntie Sarah! Mummy said I can watch telly!
The clear sound of her daughters voice grounded the adults. James dropped his grip on Sarahs arm, and Emma hurried to intervene before things spiralled further.
Off you go, Kate! Ill be up soon!
No need to hurry, Mum! Katie beamed at her aunt and bounded upstairs to the master bedroom.
The conversation that followed was heavy going. Sarah cried, James raged, and Emma hardly knew how to respond.
I thought you were deceiving him! Dont you see? I know so many families where the husbands oblivious and the wife does what she pleases! Hearing it from friendshow can I believe anyone anymore?
Sarah, do you think Im like your friends? Tell me, do you cheat on your husband then? Are your children really his?
Sarah gasped, stunned into silence.
What nonsense!
Exactly! Emma snapped. What were you thinking? Do you grasp what youve done with your careless meddling? Im not even going to start on Jameshe shouldve known better than to believe you! But family trust is precious, and you used it wrongly. Why?
I dont know Sarah sat, head hung, sobbing freely now. I really thought I was protecting him
From me? Wellhows that worked out?
Emma shrugged and glanced at James.
Settled? Any more questions for me?
Emma James faltered.
No, James. Dont. Now Im the one hurt, and I need time to decide what to do. As for you, Sarah, I dont want to see you in my house for now. I trust you know why.
Emma, Im sorry
Ill think about it. But for nowI wont keep you any longer. Emma stood, opened the door to the hall and nodded at James. You too. You heard me right. Go.
Emma and James would reconcile, in time, and on her terms. No one in the family, except perhaps Sarah, would ever know what had happened. Because sometimes, you mustnt let your dirty linen air in public. And for that simple truth, Emma would always be grateful to her mother.
Her mother would take the newborn grandson in her arms, cooing at his resemblance to his father, and share a knowing smile with Emma.
Youve grown into a wise woman, my girla fine wife and mother.
Do you think so, Mum?
Have I ever lied to you?
Mum, what does wise really mean? You called me that, but I dont feel it at all
A womans wisdom, love, lies in holding together all that life gives herher children, her home, her friends, her family. Bringing them close, tending to them, making sure all are warm and safe. Its hardbecause youre always having to judge what to keep, and what to let go, so you dont ruin what you have. I think youve mastered that now
Do you?
Im sure of it! Oh, and by the way, Simon called. Hes getting married in a month. Asked me to invite you and James.
Mum
No more Muming! Ill mind the children! Onlydo something for me, will you?
Whats that, Mum?
Sort your hands out at last!
All right!
Emma would hug her mother, nod at James and even Sarah, lingering by herself, and wink at Katie:
Come on, love! Lets help settle your little brother.
Really? Katies eyes would light up, carefully touching the newborns tiny fist.
Yes, sweetheart. Really one must.Because in this family, Emma understood at last, everyone was both without fault and yet somehow to blame, all at onceand that didnt mean they werent worthy of love. She could forgive James, in time, the way her mother had forgiven her own heartbreaks and hurts, never forgetting but always choosing what truly mattered most. And if her hands remained roughened from the garden and the work of life, so be ittheyd also remain ready to comfort, to hold, and to guide.
Later, when dusk spilled gold across the lawn and laughter drifted from the kitchen, Emma slipped outside for a quiet moment beneath the old apple tree. Katie darted after her, the baby bundled close. Are you happy now, Mum? she whispered, gaze earnest and hopeful.
Emma pressed a kiss to her daughters brow, tucked a loose curl behind her ear, and smiled backsoft and real.
Yes, my darling. I am. And so are you. And thats enough.
