And dont forget the bananas for Grandma Nora! Only the small ones, as she likes them! Last time you brought some odd sort! Mary! How can you be so careless? Is it really so hard to do what youre asked?
Mary Ellen Woodhouse, chief accountant at a large company, mother of two, and in general, a fairly contented wife, sighed and nodded to no one in particular, not even thinking that her mother couldnt see her right now. It was enough that Mary knew for certain her mum would instantly recognise exactly how shed reacted to her instructions.
And dont just noddo it! I know you far too well! Always off with the fairies! Mary! Reallyits time you grew up!
Mary didnt bother nodding again. She just said, Yes, all right! and said goodbye to her mum.
Time to grow up Yeah, right. If you say so. Just over fortyhardly an age for big changes.
There was still half an hour left in the working day, and Mary tried to focus on her report. She wasnt having much luck. Her mind was flooded with all sorts of thoughts, most of them unpleasant. But she was a good girl. At least, thats what her mum always said.
Our Marys ever so clever! Such a good girl!
That was sweet enough when little Mary went to nursery school. A proper picture, all ribbons and frills. Adorable!
Well, so it seemed. Because the Mary her mum picked up from nursery was nothing like thatmore of a rascal, really.
Mary! What on earths happened to your hair?
Its a nest! Thats what Mrs Simpson said. She suggested I stand quietly on the playground, just in case some birds came along and laid eggs in it. My hairstyles got to be good for something!
And the ribbons?
I dont remember! Tom took one. He needed it for his ships anchor. Mum, did you know hes got a real ship? Toms dad made it! Mrs Simpson filled a washing-up bowl and showed us all how it floated! It was so cool!
And the other ribbon?
Dunno. Helen wanted it, and then it disappeared. Mum, why does the wind blow?
Mary!
What?!
For heavens sake, stop pestering me with silly questions! Ive got a splitting headache!
Mary would fall silent and watch her mum out of the corner of her eye as they walked home. Maybe she was in pain? What if her head never got better and had to be thrown away, like those empty eggshells her mother binned after making fried eggs?
Marys imagination was always rich, and before theyd even made it halfway home, shed start to sniffleand then to howl like a wounded bear, which drove her mother up the wall.
Mary! Is this your idea of a concert?!
Mary couldnt have explained what was wrong. She just felt so wretched for her mum, her poor head, her ruined mood, that she wanted to bawl even louder, much like Bess from next door.
Bess was a profoundly silly dog. She howled for any reason or none, but she really let loose when her owner, Mr Crane the plumber, went off on a tipple. Then Bess howled through the night for days, maddening the neighbours and prompting nearly all the kids in block six on Church Lane to beg their parents, please, let them adopt Bess. The parents, of course, complained, called the community officer, but Bess always stayed put. She fell silent only once, in the middle of another of her owners benders, stopping mid-wail with such a sudden, wild note that everyone who was home knew something dreadful had happened.
They all saw Mr Crane off, the whole street. He was a good bloke, always happy to lend a hand. Just too soft, as Marys mum used to say.
Bess, leaving the block, sat at the doorstep, staring after the people whose flowers lined the path. She didnt howl anymore. Mary, who hadnt gone to school that morning (her mum had planned to take her to the dentist), stroked the little dog, but Bess didnt even wag her stump of a tail, though she always responded to affection. Mum tugged Marys hand, and they walked on. When they returned from the dentist, they saw Bess in the same spot, motionless, not even curling up her cold paws. And Mary would swearmaking the cross on her tummy the way Tom showed herthat this little dog was crying.
Mum, how come she doesnt have any tears?
What was in that question? Mary didnt know then. But her mum shuddered, glanced at Bess, and then crouched down, reaching out carefully:
Bess Bessie Come on, come with me. Hes not coming back
Did the dog understand? Mary never knew. Mum, not waiting for any sign, just scooped up Bess and told Mary,
Come on! We need to get her sorted.
Thats how Bess became Marys dog. Bess lived for many more years. Mary didnt know how old Bess was when her first owner passed away, but she spent another seventeen years in Marys family. Mary finished school and even got married. She never once heard Bess howl again. Bess ate dutifully, let them bathe her paws, went on walks with Mary or her parents, but never made another sound. Even when she passed on, going to where her old owner waited, she only gave a thoroughly human sigh and closed her eyes, pushing her nose into Marys tear-stained palm. Mary never got another dognot even when the kids begged. She just couldntnot after those wise, strangely alive brown eyes.
All in all, Mary had been a happy child. She had everythingmum, dad, two grandmothers, a bunny with a missing ear, and pancakes with fresh cream on weekends. And then there was Grandma Olives gardentheir dads mother. Mary rarely visited it with her mum. She never knew why back then. It was a secret, and as everyone knows, you dont tell secrets, especially to children. The garden was fun, except for her mum, though Mary didnt understand that yet.
She also used to go to the seaside with her other grandmother, Nora. Mary especially loved those trips, because Nora spent every spare moment with her. Unlike Grandma Olive, Grandma Nora didnt have any taboos, and gladly answered all her granddaughter’s questions, for which Marys mum scolded her more than once.
For heavens sake, Mum! Why? Marys too little! She wont understand anyway!
You were never daft. You understood. And so does Mary!
Mary giggled watching her mum fume, lost for words, secretly thinking she hadnt understood half of Grandmas talk about how babies arrive, but it was so interesting, shed decided shed definitely ask next time why adults dont always tell the truth to children.
She had real reasons to think about it.
The adults tried hard to shield Mary from family drama. Why should a child know about grown-up arguments? But sometimes, behind her parents bedroom door, shed hear muffled quarrels, then her mums quiet sobbing. Grandma Olive, when taking Mary to the garden, pursed her lips and looked past Marys mum. The girl didnt understand, tugged her mother along to the kitchen, where Grandma baked her famous cherry tart.
Mum, lets go! Grandma will teach you! Then youll bake it at home. Its so yummy, and you cant.
Mum pulled her hand away and shook her head:
No!
Of course, adults didnt rush to explain. They tried to keep up appearances. Much later, Mary realisedits all complicated. Becoming relatives doesnt make people truly close.
Her parents divorced when Mary turned ten.
The birthday party her mum threw for her and her friends was in full swing when the front door slammed and, catching Marys surprised look, her mother said simply,
Thats that
Bess, who had a keener sense for these things than Mary, came over to Marys mum and pressed her side to her leg for comfort. One of Marys friends called her and she dashed to the living room, shouting that the cake was coming soon. When she returned to fetch her mum, the woman and dog were still standing together, both looking at the same spot, lost in their own thoughts. When Mary ventured a question, her mother startled, looked stern, and said,
Of course, everythings fine! Go to your guests!
A few minutes later, Mary saw her in the living room doorway with a smile and the cake shed spent all night making, hoping at last to gain her daughters approval for her baking.
After the guests had gone, Mary sat with her mother, who handed her a tablespoon:
Nice cake, yeah? Never mind the diets, Mary! And everything elseforget it! Our big day will come too!
What big day her mum meant, Mary didnt understand then. Nor later, really. Considering the maintenance her father paid just about managed to cover a few new clothes for a fast-growing teenager, lifes celebrations became fewer and fewer. Only Christmas and Marys birthday stayed the same. Her mother even stopped celebrating her own.
Grandma Nora, never bothered by extra ears, insisted her daughter needed to sort her personal life out. But Mary could see her mother hated those conversations. Her answer was always the same:
Once was enough.
When she was older, Mary often wondered: what if Mum hadnt given up on herself as a woman? If shed let herself love again? If shed allowed happiness back in?
There was never an answer, but Mary often imagined having a brother or sister, and her mother laughing, not always complaining of headaches.
In reality, her mum long forgot how to laugh. She got stricter, and it was a struggle for Mary not to snap back at her criticisms. She did snap a few times as a teen, but whenever she did, Bess would slink into the room and bare her tiny, needle-sharp teeth, enough to make Mary cut short whatever row she was starting, and retreat to her room or Grandmas.
Besss bites were vicious. Mary knew – after one particularly nasty argument with her mum, Bess came in and gently bit her on the ankle. Mary yelled in pain, but Bess just let go at once and trotted out, not even glancing back. The marks faded quickly, but Mary never forgot what it meant to argue with someone who really knew what was best for dogsand for stubborn children.
It was Grandma who explained much about her mums behaviour to Mary. She never minced her words.
What do you expect from her? Any woman turns prickly if shes got no love in her life.
But we love her, dont we?
Oh, Mary, thats not it! A woman needs to feel like a woman. Kids and parents cant give her that. Only a man can. Not that youll get that yet, but I know. When your granddad died, I was just forty. Much too early. And yes, there were other men, butwhat are you giggling for? I wasnt always as I am now, you know! I had moonlit heartaches of my own But I loved your granddad, always have. Never could imagine sharing my life with anyone but him. Getting a bunch of flowers or dinners one thingwaking up next to someone every days quite another! Oh, stop sighing! Well see how you talk when you marry! As much as youre like your mother, thatll be soon enough.
Gran, Im sixteen!
And? Your mum was not quite eighteen when she declared shed met your dad and couldnt live without him. That he could live perfectly happily without her didnt bother her. People said she fell in love like a kitten, but I sawshe truly loved him. For real, with none of the silly trimmings. She understood herself, even at that age. Knew it would be hardhis folks never accepted her, and your dad was always the family favourite. She put up with it, as much as she could. But one thing she never forgave.
What was that?
Infidelity. Sorry to be blunt, but youll find out anyhow, so better from me. You need to know what your mum went through. Its agony, having your soul torn up by scorn and unsolicited advice. With people blaming you for not being enough, not giving enough, not loving enough. How much more could she have given? Im telling you not to turn you against your fathertheres no need. Hes got his own life to lead. Why waste precious time on anger? He chose his path, and you know hes all right now. Be glad for him, as odd as that sounds. Youre part him, part your mum; you cant just cut one of those out.
Mums never said a bad word about Dad.
And she never will. Shes smart, Mary. She knows hell always be your father, and youll always be his precious girl. Why make it harder?
Does she still love him?
I think so. Thats why she wont move on.
Gran, do you think Ill ever you know love just one person forever?
I dont know, my dear. I just pray the one who comes into your life is worthy of such love.
True to Grandmas prediction, Mary met her future husband, Richard, dashing through the corridor to her first university exam and crashed straight into a tall, awkward-looking lad. She didnt see his face at alljust barely managed a squeak of apologybut she noticed how quick he caught her, stopping her from making a face-first landing on the dusty parquet. His voice, not quite through breaking but already confident, said,
Blimey, youre quick! Give me your number, fast, before you dash off again!
She didnt give Richard her number, of course, but she wasnt surprised to find him outside the lecture hall, waiting, when she came out, exam results in hand.
Not in a hurry now, are you?
They got married three years later. For a while, they lived with Marys mum, but Mary knew it couldnt last forever.
It was hard going. Marys mother didnt take to Richard at all. She saw no support in a computer programmer.
What kind of job is that? He sits at the computer all day, constantly snacking. Any day now hell be a regular little elephant next to you!
Oh, dont exaggerate, Mum. Are you worried hell eat all your sandwiches?
I worry about you, Mary. Youll be crying over him soon enough
Richard had to work hard to win his mother-in-law round, but he managed it in the end. It took nearly ten years, but finally Marys mum would say she had a real treasure for a son-in-law.
By then, Mary and Richard had moved to their own small two-bedroom flat. Richard poured himself into his own start-up business, while Mary scrambled from one property viewing to the nextits the feet that keep an estate agent fed. Their older child was alternately minded by Grandma or Great-Grandma, and Mary thanked her lucky stars that both women were of sound mind and fairly good health.
The warning signs appeared while Mary was pregnant with their second child.
Mary, what do you think youre playing at? You pop out for an hour and disappear! Ive got a thousand things to do! Mum grumbled, stirring Richards favourite leek and potato soup. There! All done! Right, Im off! Next time, plan your timeand mine!
Mary, baffled, watched her mum bustling about in the hallway, feeling a truly cold fear. The doctors appointment had been arranged days before, and it took only the agreed hourif not less, with the surgery just round the corner. But that was yesterday. Today, her mum had come in, cooked for an entire wedding, and now chided her for being late, though she hadnt left the house.
Her mum steadfastly refused to see a doctor, no matter how Mary tried:
Im perfectly healthy! What do you keep imagining? If anyone needs a doctor, its Grandma. She really could do with seeing one.
Mary, after talking it over with her husband, decided not to push too hard, and through her dad, found a good specialist who agreed to come to the house.
Im afraid I havent good news. She needs a thorough assessment, but already I can tell, youre in for a tough ride.
Listening to the doctor, Marys hands turned cold. Was he really talking about her mum? That simply couldnt happenshe was still so young! How could such problems emerge?
There could be many causes. Would knowing make things easier? Perhaps its best to focus on lessening the effects?
Is that possible?
Medicine advances, but theres no cure yet. We can slow things down, support her bodybuy some extra time. And beyond that Well, who knows? Perhaps something new will be discovered.
Thats when Mary realisednothing in her life would ever be the same again. However unwelcome, these changes were inevitable. Her mum was her closest personyes, there was a husband, children, grandma, dadbut her mum And it was Marys job to make her mums life as peaceful as possible. Since the doctor explained that less stress was vital.
Mary didnt like remembering how she convinced her mum to move in. Richard had pulled out all the stops and the cottage shed found was quickly bought, even though it meant going into debt.
Well manage, so long as were together and you can have some peace of mind.
Mary would squeeze her eyes shut, hiding her face in her husbands shoulder, knowing peace of mind was the one thing she wouldnt have now.
So it went.
Her mother kept forgetting she lived with them now, often insisting she needed to get home.
Mum, your rooms just down the corridor.
Why are you putting me in your guest room? I have my own home!
I know, but I really need your help tomorrow with the boys. And Grandmas unwell. Please, wont you stay tonight? Please?
Fine. But dont think this will be forever! I do have my own life, you know!
Of course, Mum, I understand.
Oh, what do you know, Mary? At your age!
Were it not for Grandma watching over her mother, Mary would have lost her mind much quicker, long before she could adjust to this new normal.
Gran, does she really not remember anything?
Oh, Mary dear, she remembers plenty. Mainly things from a long time ago. Oddly enough, she remembers things Ive forgotten. And I realise now, I hardly spent any time with her when she was growing up. You see, back then, it was all nursery, then school, then after-school clubif you had two hours together, that was a good day! Youd dash home, do the chores, look at homework, then it was bedtime. No time for real conversations or even a chat. I only truly became a mother with you, Mary. You were the child I nurtured, brought up with my own hands. But your mum Shes my heartbreak How I wish I could get even a bit of that time back now Sometimes I think all this is happening so shell forgive mefor your dad, for this messy life. She grumbles, snaps, but its nothing. When she looks at me, searching for who I am, I know shes not hurting anymore. And she smiles at me. Its terrifying, love but somehow its good, too. Every mother wants her child, for even a minute, to be happy. When she smiles, shes young and well, and the worlds in front of her. Love, and you, and unhappiness she hasnt faced yet. Oh, how will I bear all this, Mary?
I dont know, Gran I just dont know
Mary saw how hard it was for her grandmother, accepting her only child was slipping away to a world no one else could reach, not even those they loved best. Many times, finding her mother sitting on the floor at Grandmas feet in her chair, Mary would quietly ask:
Shall I take her away?
Let her be! Just leave them It wont be long
Grandma passed away a year after Mary realised nothing would ever be the same.
Take care of her, Mary! With everything youve got. I cant anymore
Mary, biting her lip, would nod, frantic to not let her grandmother see how afraid she was of being left to handle everything alone.
Dont think of her as your mum anymore. People say we become children again in our old ageits true. Children feel with their hearts. They dont worry about their heads, its all instinct and emotion. I beg you, think of her as a child now. For my sake. Cherish her. Scream out your despair if you must, but do it where she wont hear. Dont frighten her. And when youve screamed it all out, remember what I told you, and cherish her, properly. As youd want your children to cherish you, someday. Promise me!
I promise
How many times would Mary remember that conversation? Too many to count. Even now.
She glanced at the clock, sighed, and reached for her bag. Right. Purse, car keys, umbrella. Sorted. Time to go! Pick up the eldest from football, collect the younger from school, and then– the shop. For bananasthe little ones. Just as Grandma liked.
Because, for some reason, when her mum saw that little bunch, shed think Grandma was still alive. That she just had to take a few steps down the hall, ignoring the sitters puzzled look. Then open the living room door, see that armchair that didnt match at allbut would stand right there as long as anyone remembered. And then grumble:
Mary! You still havent cleaned the upholstery? How many times do I have to ask? Did you get the bananas? Grandma will be here soon. She asked.
Of course, Mum! Sit down, Ill make you a cuppa.
And the chair would be filled again. Thered still be time to lean your cheek against those familiar hands, to catch that stern but gentle look, and to smile in reply when she asked,
Mary, what have you done with your hair? Wheres your brush? Bring it here! Ill sort you out! Goodness, its late already Bedtime! What shall you have for breakfast tomorrow? Porridge or pancakes?
