When Pain Speaks

When Pain Speaks

Ellie, love, I know how you feel, honestly I do. But we have no other choice. We simply have to. Were going to have to sell the house. And once weve sold it and divided everything up, well only have enough for a small flat in a different part of town. I wish we could stay here too, but its just not possible. Emily gripped her daughters hands, dabbing away tearssometimes Ellies, sometimes her own.

Change weighed on them heavily.

Emily and her husband, Richard, had been together nearly seventeen years. Theyd seen it all, of course. But they truly loved each other, and their rows would always burn out almost as quickly as they began. Raised by her gran, Emily had absorbed the one lesson her grandmother tried ceaselessly to instill in her when it came to family: Your home should be warm, always! So that your husband never searches for understanding, for sympathy, for comfort anywhere but with you. Make your home a place where everyonethe husband, the children, the guests, even the petsfeels at ease and welcomed. No exceptions!

Emily would nod, not fully understanding at the time, but sensing her gran was trying to hand down the life shed lived. Her own home, her family, had always been just like thatuntil the accident. Her grandad died rescuing her dad and his wife from drowning on a summer trip by the river at their cottage near Cambridge. The stream seemed harmless, quite safe, but it was riddled with tricky currents and whirlpools, known only to the locals who never swam unless it was their regular spot. Mary Atkinson, Emilys gran, spent years racked with guilt for not asking, for not demanding to know, for not speaking with the neighbours She was sure, if shed just thought to ask, her son, the daughter-in-law she loved like her own, and her husband would all still be alive. Emily told her often there was no blame to lay, but her gran never wanted to hear it.

Taking on the care of her only grandchild, Mary Atkinson set her sorrows aside, knowing the little girl needed lifejoy and happiness, not endless mourning. Only when visiting her familys grave a few times a year would she let herself cry, weeping away the pain that built up between visits. Afterwards, with gentle resolve, shed tell her family all the news about herself and Emily, always promising to do everything in her power to ensure the childs happiness.

Gran managed to give Emily a warm and loving home, a good education, saw her wedand even cradled her great-granddaughter before illness carried her off to join her loved ones. Emily was left all alone. There was no other family.

Later, Emily understood her gran was generally righthome and family needed warmth, kindness. She was right, but only up to a point. There were exceptions.

Emily and Richard rarely fell out. Honestly, the reason for almost all their quarrels was always the same, what a clichéthe mother-in-law.

Patricia Evans was what they call a Mother with a capital Ma matriarch if ever there was one. She lived her life by a single rule: My word is law and not to be questioned.

Richard was a miracle child to her. He was her sixth pregnancy, but the first and only one she carried to term. All her love and all her carewhat she knew of bothwere heaped on her only son.

Richard cared for his mother, perhaps thats why he could never properly stand up to her, despite making the effort, just as his father did. The two men settled on a policy of listening in silence to all Patricia had to say, nodding politely, then just doing things their own way behind closed doors.

When Richard first met Emily, he delayed introducing her to his parents for as long as possible, well aware of what would happen. He met Emilys gran almost right away. He never explained his reasons, and only finally gave in when Emily confronted him:

Are you ashamed of me or something? Am I not good enough to meet your family? Richard, what sort of relationship is this, then? You tell my gran Im everything to you, plan the wedding, talk about our whole future, but Ive still not met anyone from your side.

Richard sighed, kissed his fiancée, and said quietly,

Im afraid youll decide you dont want me after all.

Silly! Im marrying you, not your family.

How naive shed been.

Patricia welcomed her with a measured look, shook her head, and asked,

So, dear, who were your parents?

My mum taught at university. My dad was a doctor. I dont have many memories of themthey died when I was five. My gran raised me.

I see.

That was the last thing Patricia said to Emily that evening. After a few years living with Richard, Emily adopted the same silent-nodding tactic as he and his father, but it rarely helped. She saw the strain it placed on Richard, saw him trying (and failing) to maintain the peace. At some point, she realised she was tired of trying to act as peacemaker, and she just asked Richard to limit visits to his parents to the bare minimum. He nodded, exhausted, and hugged his wife.

Im sorry.

Things got harder after the death of Richards father. The old man died of cancer within a month, and Patricia made it clear to Richard now she expected him to look after her. Richard didnt need telling. They saw each other at home mostly in passing; after work, Richard would go straight to his mothers and then return late at night. It might have carried on indefinitely if not for little Ellie, now three, who began refusing to talk to or see her father, making it clear she was hurt.

She misses you, Rich. Youre hardly ever home. Weekends, and thats it. Emily understood the pressure on Richard but knew something needed to change before Ellie lost her growing bond with her dad.

It made Emily angry. Over a year had passed, and Patricia was perfectly able-bodied. She was still working, living the cultured liferegular plays, exhibitions, dragging her son everywhere. Fine, she needed help, but taking a childs father away was unfair. Emily could tolerate her own lonely evenings, but not Ellies.

Richard, we have to sort this. Ellie needs her dad. And I need you too. Emily pulled him in for a hug. I miss you

A full-scale row erupted. But Richard won the right to visit his mother only twice a week. After a while, Patricia gave inor at least pretended to.

One day, Ellie, still little, had to create a family picture for nursery, depicting them as fairy-tale figures. The teacher let the children finish their drawings at home. After dinner, Ellie set to work, tongue sticking out in utter concentration, huffing and colouring for an hour. When Emily popped her head in after washing up and sorting the laundry, she gasped and called her husband:

Richard, come here! Theres a storm brewing! Youve got to see this!

He took one look at the drawing and collapsed onto the sofa, howling with laughter. Poor Ellie stared, not understanding why her parents were in hysterics. It made her burst into tears:

I tried so hard! And youre just laughing at me!

She peered at her own artwork, but still didnt get the joke. Shed drawn Daddy as a noble knight, Mummy as a fair princess, Grandad as an old wizard, Great-Gran as an apple tree with golden apples, and Gran Well, Gran became a three-headed dragon. It had taken ages to draw all those heads! What was so funny? All right, maybe shed messed up the flamesthe yellow crayon snapped at just the wrong moment. Shed meant to ask Mummy to sharpen it, but Mummy had already seen the picture.

Ellie never liked Gran Pat. When her gran turned up (rarely, only on holidays mostly), Ellie just wanted her gone, to slam the door after her. She didnt know what exactly went on between the grown-ups, but her childs intuitionnever wrongtold her Gran Pat didnt like her mum and tried to hurt her, even if her words were polite. Mum would always end up sad or crying after her visits. Ellie couldnt figure out how to protect her mum. Shed even tried to shove Gran Pat out of the door once, but Dad scooped her up and wouldnt let her.

Your daughter is appallingly brought up, Richard! Though Im not surprised, not at all! Patricia was utterly scandalised.

Everyone got an earful that night, but after that, Gran Pat hardly visitedRichard thought it was best. Now, they visited her on occasion, but Ellie dodged whenever she could. As she got older, she understood more. Pats inability to budge an inch made Ellie feel suffocated near her, but she only truly saw through her after her father died.

Richard died almost instantly. No one at the office even understood what was happening, couldnt even call an ambulance in time. A massive heart attack, at forty-four.

When the call came, Emily was at work at the jewellery shop. She dropped the phone and fainted, smashing into the display case and terrifying the girls on staff. They called the ambulance, closed the shop, picking glass from their bosss hair as they tried to calm her down.

Emilys world slammed to a halt. Time stopped. She couldnt think, couldnt act. Richards friends handled everything, trying to support the new widow. She couldnt recall who came, who didnt, but Ellie was fed, the house was clean, and arms tucked hot tea or broth into her hands, whisking it away and giving her fresh when she left it untouched.

A couple of weeks after Richards funeral, Emily had a dream.

Gran! Oh, Gran, how Ive missed you! Emily tried to hug Mary Atkinson, but her gran pulled back, stern-eyed.

What are you doing?

What do you mean, Gran?

Wheres Ellie?

Where would she be? Shes asleep in her room, probably

Come on! Gran beckoned her, keeping Emilys arms at bay. They entered Ellies room and Gran pointed at the bed.

Asleep, you say? Ellie was huddled under the duvet, quietly weeping. Emily, wake up!

Emily jerked awake, at first thinking she was still dreamingEllies sobbing hadnt stopped. But she soon realised she was awake. She darted to her daughter:

Darling, dont cry! She slid into bed with Ellie and hugged her tight. Im here! Ill always be here.

Ellie, feverish with tears, turned to her mum, clinging with all her might.

Thank you, Gran How could I not see? You never left meyou were always there. I promise, Ill make it right Its all right now

The next morning, Emily crept out, not wanting to wake Ellie, and made her way to the kitchen. Ellie was roused by the thick scent of her mums special pancakeswarm vanilla filling every nook and cranny. Wrapped in a blanket, Ellie padded through to the kitchen.

Mum?

Good morning! Emily turned, and Ellie saw for the first time since the funeral, her mum wasnt wearing black, not even the mourning band she kept on at night. Go have a wash, well eat soon, then Ill take you to school.

Is it really time?

Emily reduced the flame and gave her daughter a squeeze.

Its time, love. Dad wouldnt have wanted us locked away, crying day and night. He wanted you happy, wanted more joy in your life than anything. He loved you so much… Emilys voice caught for a moment, but she pressed on, And me too. So if thats what he wished, thats what well do. Get ready. I cant be late for work either!

Slowly, carefully, they began piecing together a new life. Emily went back to work, Ellie returned to school. But now, Ellie took on her own responsibility: helping her mum as much as she could. Every evening, Emily would come home to find her daughter had tidied up, sometimes even made a simple meal.

A couple of months later, Ellie was old enough to get her passport, and they celebrated quietly, buying a little cake.

Look, Dad, Im all grown up! Ellie waved the passport at her fathers photograph, framed on the living room wall. Youd pull my ponytail and say Im still your little one

Emily hugged her daughter without a word.

And then, a week later in the evening, Patricia Evans dropped by.

Good evening, Emily. We need to talk!

They hadnt seen one another since the day Emily said her last goodbye to Richard. On that day, Patricia had quietly approached Emily and hissed:

Its your fault! If not for you, hed still be here! Always taking, taking, taking Thats all you could do! And now hes gone Your fault!

Emilys face had gone white, and Richards friend Michael gently took her by the arm, easing her away from the others.

Dont listen. Emily, look at me, he gave her an encouraging shake, Dont listen to a word of it. Its fate, nothing more. None of us know how long we have, but Richard loved you and Ellie more than anything

Emily choked out a sob. Her legs wouldnt hold her. She hadnt slept in days, surviving on tea others pressed into her hands, trying to calm her.

Michael sat with her outside the church until everyone else had gone. As Patricia walked by with her entourage, Emily heard a coarse wordher mother-in-laws final woundquite unmindful that Ellie sat at her mothers side.

And now, there was Patricia, across the table, lips tight, eyes devoid of old fury. Just a tired woman, grieving her child. Emily noticed the sunken eyes, pale face, trembling hands that Patricia shoved onto the table to steady herself.

Shall I put the kettle on?

No! Im here to sort out the house, Emily.

Emily thought she hadnt heard her right.

Sorry? What do you mean?

Emily and Richard spent years building that house. When Emily was pregnant with Ellie, shed check up on the buildersthe lady of the manor, as theyd call her, trying to keep her away from the cement pours and joists. Richard would laugh,

They dont dare cut corners with you watching! Well move in next month!

Moving in to their own house was etched on Emilys hearther nest, cared-for and lovingly detailed in every way.

Emily, those curtains are the same pink as before. And the fabrics nearly identical.

You know nothingthe shades completely different!

Such arguments drove her up the wall, but charmed Richard endlessly.

Now, fuming, Emily could hardly process what she was hearing: she wasnt to live here any longer.

You cant have it! Patricia managed to quell her trembling hands. Youll have to sell the house. I want my share of the inheritance.

Inheritance? Emily felt her blood boil.

The share Im owed by law. And youll give me every penny.

Neither woman noticed Ellie standing at the kitchen door.

Get out! The girl clenched her fists, holding her ground.

What? Patricia gaped at her granddaughter. What did you say?

I said get out! I never want you to come here again.

How dare you speak to me like that? I always said you were terribly brought upbut this! How could you

Takes after her father! Ellies voice rang through the house.

No, shes more like her mother

Dont you dare! Dont you EVER dare hurt my mum again! You all think Im little, think I dont get it? Well, I do. I get everything. Now go. Well find a way to never see you again.

In her distress, Ellie switched to formal speech, something she only ever did in moments of high emotion.

Emily quickly pulled her daughter close and guided her from the kitchen.

Thank you, darling, but go to your room. Ill handle this, she kissed her daughters head and nudged her towards the corridor. Go on.

Ellie left, and Emily inhaled deeply before returning to the kitchen.

What was that? Youve poisoned that child against me!

Ive done no such thing. You did that all on your own.

Patricia started to retort, but Emily cut her off, steely for the first time.

Thats enough! Ellies right. Youre not welcome here. Ill speak to a solicitor and let you know. Youll get what youre entitled to and then were done.

Dont count on it! Patricia shot back.

I wont. Ill just see to it. Pity you, truly. Emilys tone melted with a wave of compassion. Youll end up all alone

Not your concern! Patricia shrieked, snatching up her bag and rushing out.

Ellie heard her grandmother leave, and found her mum, head resting on her arms at the table.

Mum?

Yes, love. Emily wiped her tears and looked up at her.

Is she serious? Will we really have to move out?

Im not sure yet. Well find out. Waitwhy are you home? Shouldnt you be at school still? You didnt call or ask for a lift.

Maths was cancelled, and Maxs mum gave me a lift. Didnt bother calling. No point, really.

All right Did you get much homework?

Their conversation returned to something like normal, thawing the chill that Patricia had left behind.

Mum, why do people hate each other? Get so angry and cruel?

Emily and Ellie sat together on the living room sofa, pressed close, half-watching a film on TV. As always, it was backgroundit just gave them an excuse to sit side by side and talk.

There are lots of reasons, my love. Are you thinking about your gran?

Yes. Why does she hate you, and me?

Well, I suppose she never liked me from the start. And I knew she probably never would.

Why not?

Because she thought I came to take her son away.

Did you?

Of course not! I just wanted a family with him. I didnt want to take anything. I wanted to give to have you, and hoped hed want more children one day. I always thought parents want to be grandparents, dont they?

But she didnt want me either, did she?

Not exactly. She was happy when you were born. Hold on Emily got up and returned with a little embroidered bonnet and crocheted blanket. She made these for you.

Ellie turned the bonnet in her hands, running her fingers over the stitches.

But this mustve taken ages Look at the detail! And the blankets beautiful. Is it crochet? Ellie loved embroidery, but never quite got the hang of crochet.

It is. Look how fine the work is Nobody puts in that much care unless theyre trying to please, you know? And if they make something for a baby, its only because theyre waiting, theyre excited.

Ellie pondered silently.

So why does she act like this now?

I cant say for sure, Ellie. I suppose her grief and loneliness have changed her. It can happenyou get trapped in your pain, start believing the whole world is against you because youre hurting. Dont be angry at your gran, sweetheart. Her pain is speaking for her right now. Better to pity her. At least we have each otherweve got people who support us. She has no one left.

Ellie fiddled silently with a corner of the blanket.

The next day, Emily called Michael and asked for a solicitor. The facts were clear: the house would have to be sold. There was no other way. Shed spent all their savings on the house and what little remained was gone.

When she spoke to Ellie that evening, she started looking for possible flats to move to.

But Ellie had her own plan. In the morning, pretending she was off to school, she instead took the bus to her grandmother.

What are you doing here? Patricias voice was as chilly as ever.

Ellie silently held out the bonnet and the blanket.

Whats this? Patricias voice shook, just a little.

Theyre beautiful. And I know you made them for me.

Come in then

That evening, Ellie appeared in the study, hugging her mother as she sat at the laptop searching property listings.

Mum

Mmm? Emily clicked through flats, frowning at the prices.

We dont have to move.

What? Emily stopped, startled.

I said we dont have to move. I talked to Gran.

Emily stared at her, bewildered.

You did what???

I went to see her and talked to her. Shes going to give up her share of the house.

I dont understand

I told her I didnt want her to be alone And gave her a choice. Either she insists on her share, and I pretend I have no grandmother left, or she lets the house be ours and we stay family.

And what did she say?

Here Ellie put a bundle on the table.

Emily opened it, gasping:

Oh, my goodness, how beautiful!

I know! Ill wear this to my end-of-year dance! By then, itll fit me perfectly.

It was an exquisite, floor-length lace dress, as light as spun snowflakes. On closer inspection, Emily realised it was handmade needle lace.

Ellie, do you know how much work this is?

Yes, Mum I do. Shes hurting so much. And she really, really misses Dad. She cried, Mum

She cried? Patricia Evans?

Yes.

Emily didnt know what to say. They sat quietly, listening as the phoneleft charging in the living roomrang.

Hello, Patricia.

Hello. Did Ellie tell you about our talk?

She just did.

Then you know Ill be signing off on the house. No contest.

Yes, thank you. And for the dress, too. Its gorgeous! You really are talented.

Dont fuss. Tomorrow at one, at the solicitors. Ill text you the address. Ill sign everything. And Emily?

Yes?

Ellies a remarkable girl. You raised her well.

Emily sat with the phone pressed to her ear a moment after Patricia hung up. Then, she went back to the kitchen and pulled Ellie into a tight, silent hug.