When Pain Speaks

When Pain Speaks

Lucy, darling, I understand, but we don’t have a choice. We have to. Were going to have to sell the house. After the sale and splitting everything, well only have enough for a flat in another neighbourhood. Id like to stay here too, but it just isnt possible. Emily gripped her daughters hands, dabbing at both Lucys tears and her own.

Change came difficult for both of them.

Emily and her husband, James, had been together nearly seventeen years. Theyd seen their share of arguments, but their love was genuine and any row was over before it ever truly began. Raised by her gran, Emily grew up understanding the family code instilled by herher grans ultimate rule about marriage: Home should always feel warm. A man shouldnt need to search for comfort or understanding elsewherehe should have everything he needs with you. Make your home a place where your husband, your children, your friends, and even the family pets all feel welcome and content.

Emily nodded along, not entirely grasping the meaning at first, but sensed her grandmother was transferring the wisdom of her own life. After all, her grans home felt just like that, at least until the day tragedy struck and her grandfather drowned rescuing his son and daughter-in-law when they got into trouble by the river near the cottage. The river looked harmlesslocals were the only ones who really knew about its hidden currents and avoided swimming off the usual spots. For years, Mary blamed herself for not warning them, convinced that, had she done things differently, her family might still be alive. Emily spent years reassuring her gran, though Mary refused to absolve herself.

When Mary chose to raise Emily herself, she tucked away her grief to make room for joy, knowing her granddaughter needed the living warmth of happiness, not endless mourning. Several times a year, she would let it all out at the cemetery, telling those she lost how they were doing and promising to keep Emily happy.

Mary managed to give her granddaughter a snug, loving home, a decent education, helped her marry, and even lived to cradle her great-granddaughter before illness finally claimed her, joining her loved ones. Emily was left utterly alone; she had no other family.

With time, Emily realised her grans philosophy on home and marriage was largely right, yet shed overlooked the fact that sometimes there must be exceptions.

Emily and James rarely fell out, and when they did, it was nearly always about the same thingJamess mother.

Margaret was what one would call a Matriarch with a capital M. Her worldview was built around: My opinion is the only one that counts. Full stop.

James had come late and unexpectedly to Margarether sixth pregnancy and the only child she brought into the world. All the love and devotion she was capable of giving, she poured into her only boy.

James loved his mother and, perhaps crucially, couldnt stand up to her, though he tried. Like his father, he became an expert in nodding sympathetically yet doing as he thought best.

When he started seeing Emily, James postponed introducing her to his parents, fully aware of how it might go. Hed met Emilys grandmother within a couple of days. He never explained his reasons to Emily until she confronted him with:

Are you hiding me? Am I not good enough to meet your family? You say Im everything to you, youve talked to Gran about weddings and futures, but Ive not even met your lot.

James, sighing, kissed his fiancée and said, Im just scared youll leave me.

Dont be daft! Im marrying you, not your family!

If only shed known.

Margaret looked Emily over, shook her head, and asked coldly, And your parents, what did they do?

Mum taught at the medical college; Dad was a doctor. But I lost them when I was little, and Gran brought me up.

Hmm, Margaret replied curtly.

She asked Emily nothing else that evening. Over the years, Emily adopted the same smile and nod approach as her husband and father-in-law, but it worked little better for her. She watched James torn between loyalties, trying to keep the family peace, with Emily forever smoothing the edges and calming the storms. Eventually, she wearied of her efforts and simply asked James to limit time with his parents to the bare minimum. He simply nodded, hugged her, and whispered, Sorry.

It worsened after Jamess father passed awayhed been claimed by cancer in a mere month, and Margaret made it very clear James was now solely responsible for her. James barely saw Emily and Lucy on weekdayshed go from work to his mothers and return home gone midnight. It would have continued until little Lucy rebelled, refusing to spend time with her father in protest.

She misses you, Jim. She hardly sees you anymore. Even weekends arent enough, Emily explained gently. She knew he struggled, but their daughter was about to close herself off for good.

Emily became angry. It had been more than a year; Margaret, though older, was still very ablestill working, going to the theatre and exhibitions, dragging her son along. Help was one thing, but denying a girl her own father seemed too much. Emily could forgive her lonely evenings, but not Lucys.

We have to sort this, Jim. Lucy and I need youso much, Emily whispered into her husbands chest.

What followed was a major row. In the end, James fought to see his mother only twice a week. Eventually, Margaret accepted it, or at least pretended she did.

Once, Lucy was to draw her family as fairy tale characters for school. Unable to finish it in class, she brought it home, worked for an hour at her little desk, tongue peeking as she concentrated. When Emily peeked in later, she couldnt help but laugh, calling James in to see.

Their daughter had drawn her dad as a heroic knight, her mum as a beautiful princess, her grandfather as a woodland sprite, her great-grandma as an apple tree with golden fruitand granny well, granny had come out as a dragon with three heads. Lucy just couldnt see what was funny. The yellow crayon had broken as she tried to colour the fire, but otherwise, her work was careful and earnest.

Lucy had never liked her grandma Margaret. When Margaret visitedwhich was rare and mostly for holidaysLucy wanted nothing more than to see her out and the door locked behind her. She couldnt grasp what happened between the adults but knew, with the unerring intuition of childhood, that Margaret didnt like her mum and always seemed to dig and wound. She never openly quarrelled, but whenever she left, Emily would cry. Lucy didnt know how to help; once, shed even tried physically to shove Margaret out, but James opposed her.

Your daughter is appallingly brought up, James! But what did I expect? Margaret was deeply offended.

Margarets visits dwindled to nearly none, and they visited her far less. The older Lucy grew, the more she understood. Granny Margarets dogmatic air stifled her. She felt she couldnt breathe around her. But it wasnt until her father died that she truly saw Margaret for who she was.

James barely made it to forty-fourhis heart went in an instant. No one at work realised in time, no ambulance was called.

Emily got the call while working at the jewelers. The shock was such she fainted, smashing a display case and terrifying her staff, who called emergency services and gently picked broken glass from her hair, plying her with tea while she drifted in and out.

For Emily, time froze. She moved through days barely present; friends of James handled the funeral and kept her and Lucy going. Shed later remember nothing of who came or when, but Lucy was always fed, the house ordered, and kindly hands placed tea or soup in hers, only to swap it for fresh when shed left it untouched.

A fortnight after the funeral, Emily dreamt of her gran.

Granny! Ive missed you so much! Emily reached to embrace Mary, but her gran pulled back with a stern look.

What are you doing?

What do you mean?

Wheres Lucy?

Shes in bed I suppose

Come. Refusing Emilys touch, Mary led her out, showed her Lucy, curled in bed, sobbing under the duvet. You say shes sleeping? Wake up, Emily!

Emily started and awoke for realher daughters crying was very real, and as soon as she understood, she rushed to Lucy, held her close, and comforted her as best she could.

Thank you, Gran How could I forget? You never left me, Emily thought. Ill put things right I will

By morning, she was up making her special pancakes, the scent of vanilla and warmth filling the home. Lucy, still wrapped in her duvet, shuffled to the kitchen.

Mum?

Morning, love! Emily greeted Lucy without her black mourning scarf for the first time. Go wash up for breakfast, then Ill run you to school.

Is it time?

Yes, sweetheart. Your dad wouldnt want us weeping in corners all day. He wanted you happyhe loved you so much, Emilys voice caught but she recovered. He loved me too. And if that was his wish, it will be so. Off you go. Or Ill be late for work, and that wont do either.

Tentatively, they began piecing together a new way of life. Emily went back to work, Lucy to school. Lucy, wanting to help more, made sure the house was tidy by the time her mum returned each night.

A few months on, Lucy got her passport. They quietly celebrated with a cake.

Look, Dad, Im all grown up now! Lucy brandished her passport by Jamess photo in the lounge. Youd tug my ponytail and tell me I was still little

Emily embraced her.

The following week, Margaret came round unexpectedly one evening.

Good evening, Emily. We need to talk.

It was the first time theyd spoken since Jamess funeral, where Margaret had hissed:

This is your fault! If not for you, hed still be here! Give, give, giveall you ever wanted! Its why he burned out so soon. All your fault!

Emily was swept away by Jamess friend Daniel, who steadied her and whispered, Dont listen! Look at me, Em. Fate, thats all. He loved you and Lucy more than life.

Emily clung to Daniel, running only on water, tears, and exhaustion.

Daniel helped her outside the chapel, settling her on a bench until everyone finished, and as Margaret stomped by, Emily heard her mutter a curse, uncaring if Lucy overheard.

Now, Margaret sat across from her, lips pressed thin, anger faded to wearinessjust a tired, lonely woman who had lost a child. Emily noticed her hollow eyes, pallor, the tremble she steadied on the table.

Would you like some tea?

No. Ive come to discuss the house.

Emilys mind spun.

In what way?

She and James had built it themselves. Pregnant with Lucy, Emily had managed the workers, who doted on their lady of the house, especially as she checked the foundations. James found it hilarious.

With you on their tails, they wont dare slack! Well be moving in any day now! hed grin.

The memory of moving in was crystal clearher very own nest.

But these curtains are as pink as the others, and the fabrics the same.

You know nothingthe shades completely different!

Such exchanges infuriated her, but left James smiling.

Now, shes being told she cant stay.

I wont allow it! Margaret finally steadied her hands. Youll have to sell up. I demand my share.

Your share?

The inheritance, as the law says. And youll give me every penny.

They didnt notice Lucy at the kitchen door.

Get out! Lucy stood there, fists clenched.

What? Margaret was taken aback. What did you say?

I said get out! And dont come back!

How dare you? I knew youd turn out wildjust like your

My father! Lucys voice rang through the house.

Noyoure more like your mother

Dont! Never insult my mum again! You think Im a child and dont understand? I do. Go now! Well work out how never to see you again.

Lucy, unwittingly, now addressed Margaret with formal coldness.

Emily recovered, pulled Lucy close, and ushered her out.

Thank you, love, but you can go to your room nowIll sort this. She kissed Lucys temple. Go on.

Lucy left, and Emily, deep breaths steadying her, returned.

Whats this? Youve filled the childs head against me!

I havent. You did it yourself.

Margaret made to retort, but Emily stopped her, her voice for once steely.

Enough. Lucys right. Youre not welcome here. Ill consult a solicitor and let you know. Youll get whats yours, and after that, were done.

Dont hope so! Margaret snapped.

I wont hope. Ill just get it done. Im sorry for you. Emilys tone softened, seeing the lonely, broken woman. Youre left all alone

Not your business! Margaret practically shrieked, grabbed her bag, and stormed out.

Lucy, hearing her grandmother go, found Emily sitting at the kitchen table, head on her arms.

Mum?

Yes, pet Emily wiped away tears and looked up at her.

Was she serious? Will we have to move?

Im not sure yet. Well see. Why are you home? School isnt out yet.

Maths was cancelled. Maxs mum gave me a lift. I didnt bother to callno point, was there?

Alright Any homework?

The conversation drifted to the usual topics, and the cold carried in by Margaret finally melted.

Mum, why dont people like each other? Why all this anger, hate?

Mother and daughter sat on the sofa, close, the telly on but only as a background for their chat.

There are many reasons. Are you thinking about your grandma?

Yes. Why didnt she like you or me?

With me, it was obviousshe disliked me from the outset.

Why?

She thought I was taking her son away from her.

Were you?

Never. I wanted a family, to give, not take. I wanted to give her youwell, more perhapsbut only you came along. I thought shed want grandchildren from her son.

But she didnt want me either, really?

Not quite. She was glad when you were born. Wait. Emily went into the next room and returned, laying a finely-embroidered bonnet and crocheted blanket on Lucys lap. Your grandma made these.

Lucy examined the crafts. But this must have taken so long look at the stitches. Did she crochet this?

Yessuch delicate work No one would do this unless they cared. Especially for a baby.

Lucy sat thinking.

So why is she like this now?

I dont know, Lucy. I think its all from her grief, her loneliness. Sometimes people are swallowed up by sadness and can only see the world as cruel because of what hurts them inside. Dont be angry with grandma. What she does now Sometimes its pain speaking for her. Better to pity her than hate her. We have each other, but shes all alone.

Lucy fiddled with her blanket in silence.

The next day, Emily rang Daniel to help find a solicitor. After legal advice, it was clear: the house must be sold, there was no way around it. Their savings, what little was left, had already gone into the house.

Emily told Lucy that evening, and they started to consider other places to live.

But Lucy had her own ideas. In the morning, pretending to go to school, she set off to Margarets.

What are you doing here? Margaret demanded at the door.

Lucy quietly handed over the bonnet and blanket.

Whats this? Margarets voice wavered ever so slightly.

Theyre beautiful. I know you made them for me.

Come in

That evening, Lucy came to Emily, who was browsing flats online, and hugged her.

Mum?

Mmm? Emily was focused on her laptop.

We dont have to move.

What? Emily looked up.

We dont have to. I spoke to Grandma.

Emily stared at her.

What did you do?

I went and talked to her. Shell give up her claim to Dads estate.

I dont understand.

I said I didnt want her to be alone. I gave her a choice: if she pushed, Id stop thinking of her as Grandma, or she could let us keep our home and Id see her sometimes.

And what did she say?

Lucy placed a parcel in front of Emily.

Emily unwrapped it and gasped.

Oh my How beautiful!

Yes! Im going to wear it for my leavers do! By then it will fit just right.

A floor-length, delicate lace dress, like spun frost. Emily recognised intricate needle lace.

Lucy, do you know how much work that is?

Yes, Mum I know Shes in so much pain. And she misses Dad terribly. She cried, Mum

She cried? Margaret?

Yes

Emily was silent. Then, they heard the phone ring from the lounge.

Hello, Margaret?

Hello. Lucy told you about our talk?

Just now.

So you know Ill renounce my claim to the house?

Yes, thank you. And thank you for the dress. Its gorgeousyou have fair hands!

Dont exaggerate! Tomorrow, one oclock, the solicitors. Ill send you the address. Ill sign everything. And, Emily

Yes?

Lucys a wonderfully brought-up girl.

Emily held the phone a moment longer, then returned to the kitchen and wrapped her arms tightly around her daughter.