Diagnosis Betrayal
You two are getting quite serious, arent you? Mrs. Margaret Haywood said in her rather insistent, almost interrogative tone, eyes narrowing at me her likely future daughter-in-law. So, whens the wedding then?
I forced on a smile, fighting the nerves twisting in my stomach and trying desperately to sound diplomatic. I dont think its time just yet, I replied as evenly as I could. Weve only been living together a month. I think it would be sensible to wait, to get used to everyday life together After all, things can get complicated over little things, cant they?
Margaret arched an eyebrow but wasnt distracted. Really, I got the impression she liked me well enough certainly more than Daniels ex, Louise, who was loud and positively insufferable! I dont blame him for ending that.
And hows young Oliver doing? she shifted the conversation, studying me intently. Hes nearly grown, but still
The mention of Daniels son softened me inside. I remembered how anxious Id been about meeting him, unsure whether hed feel threatened or see me as a pretender to his mums place.
Hes wonderful, honestly, I said, with a genuine smile this time. At first, I worried a bit I thought Oliver would be distant, or suspicious at least. But hes been warm and welcoming from the start! Truly, Ive got on with him better than I dared hope.
I paused, recalling the day Oliver came home hungry from school and gobbled up my homemade pasty, announcing the house would always smell delicious from now on.
Whats more, I laughed, hes thrilled I do the cooking rather than his dad. Sometimes he even asks me to teach him a recipe or two.
Daniel, who was quietly listening, glanced up and nodded, a faint smile flickering on his face as if he was relieved the two of us got along so well.
Hes not asking for a little brother yet, is he? Margaret asked, with that direct, not-so-subtle British way.
Catching his mothers words, Daniels expression tightened with exasperation. Mum, please, his look said. I knew this sort of conversation was typical for her she had no fear of treading on peoples feelings, even if the topic was deeply personal.
Margaret, however, was utterly undeterred. What? she chortled, chipper as anything. Olivers brilliant with kids, always doting on his cousins. And youre only thirty-five, Emma still plenty of time for a couple of nippers!
The awkwardness surged through me. The last thing I wanted was to be pressed on that subject, especially with someone who, really, was basically a stranger. I balled my fist under the table in a bid to remain composed.
Im afraid thats not possible, I said, carefully controlling my voice. Doctors have said quite clearly I shouldnt consider having children.
A hush settled over the room. Margarets pleasant mask faltered, replaced by an almost cold detachment.
Oh, womens troubles, is it? she asked, sounding almost patronising, though a whisper of concern lingered in her tone. Medicine moves on at such a pace, you know. Try not to lose heart. Things once thought hopeless are easily conquered these days.
I took a slow breath. Thered be no wriggling out of this shed imagine all sorts if I just kept quiet. I looked sideways at Daniel for support, but he shrugged as if to say: Up to you how much you share.
In my case, that just isnt possible, I replied, not meeting her eye. Why should I bare my soul to this woman? Still, there was no real choice. Ive got serious issues with my eyesight, diagnosed at eighteen. The risk of vision loss is too high for me to ever consider pregnancy. Ive come to terms with it children just arent in my future.
Margaret was momentarily stunned. Disbelief creased her features, as if Id just confessed to belief in Martians.
Whats eyesight got to do with having a baby? she asked genuinely puzzled.
Theres a ninety percent chance Id lose my sight, I replied calmly, pushing my glasses up the bridge of my nose. Its not worth the risk, is it? Whats the point of having a child you can never see?
Margaret said little more after that, and her glances in my direction cooled considerably. I was clearly not the vision of a perfect match shed imagined for her son. Some sturdy, healthy woman able to provide grandchildren as easily as putting a roast in the oven thats what she wanted.
But I wasnt racked with guilt, and Id no intention of explaining myself further. Daniel and I had talked through everything, more than once. We weighed all the risks, consulted the medical experts, had long, honest conversations late into the night. We knew what we were doing. If it ever came to it, adoption or a surrogate could be considered. These days, its perfectly doable.
When we finally got ready to head home, the air lightened just a fraction. Margaret hugged Daniel, nodded at me all politeness, but no real warmth. As we tied our shoelaces in the hallway, Daniel caught my eye: wordlessly, his look said, Sorry.
Once outside, I breathed deeply. The chill air felt glorious after the tension indoors. I caught Daniels hand, and he squeezed mine back, neither of us needing to say anything. The family meeting had gone about as awkwardly as it possibly could but it changed nothing. Wed made our decisions, settled our minds, and would hold fast to them, no matter the expectations or judgements swirling around us.
***
Three months slipped away.
I started to feel not right. Nothing too dramatic at first just tiredness, a touch of nausea in the mornings, becoming oddly averse to smells Id never noticed before. At first I put it down to work stress, maybe a late summer bug. But when it dragged on for days, I started to get nervous.
I tried to carry on some paracetamol, fluids, early nights. Still, concentration was tough at work, and by evening Id collapse with weariness, though Id hardly done anything taxing.
One night, speaking with Mum on the phone, I let slip how run down I felt. She was silent for a beat, then gently asked, Emma, dear are you quite certain youre not pregnant?
I was honestly startled. I paused then answered with conviction, Absolutely. Ive never missed a pill, Mum. They were prescribed after a thorough check. I always follow the instructions to the letter.
Mum didnt press, just told me, Pick up a test anyway, love just to put your mind at rest. Its too important to ignore.
I almost rolled my eyes but hesitated. Maybe she was right. A test costs pennies and a few minutes.
Alright, Mum. Ill nip out now Daniels still at work. Talk later, I said, then ended the call.
I wrapped up warm and walked briskly to the nearby chemist. My mind spun with: What if? Thats not possible. Is it? The pregnancy tests were jumbled on the shelves so many brands, all promising clarity and accuracy. I grabbed two middle-of-the-range ones, paid with my card, and hurried home.
Back in the hallway, I battled my nerves as I unwrapped them. My hands shook as I went through the instructions. And then the excruciating wait.
Minutes crawled past. I couldnt sit still. And when the results appeared? Two unmistakable lines on both tests.
This cant be! The words tumbled out before I realised. Id been so careful! Dread zipped through me.
The doorbell jarred me from my shock. Glancing at the time, I realised it must be Oliver he often forgot his keys on Wednesday afternoons.
I swept the tests into the bin, ruffled my hair, put on my best smile, and let him in.
Left your key again, mate? I grinned, stepping aside as he bustled in, breathless.
Sorry, Emma wasnt thinking! He gave a sheepish smile and toed off his trainers.
I headed to the kitchen to make him a snack, not noticing that one of the test packets had fallen, traitorously visible on the rug
***
Daniel, Im heading to Mums for a week. Shes not too well, I said, not meeting his eyes. Distrusting myself, I kept my tone bright. Lying to someone you love feels dirty, but I couldnt say what was really happening not just yet. My mind was a whirlwind of worry.
Daniel looked up from his laptop straight away, concern written all over his face.
Do you want me to come along? I could bring something from the chemist for her? Or give you a lift? he offered, a little anxiously.
His sweetness made it even harder.
No, thanks, love. Mums got everything she needs, really. Ill call if anything comes up.
I stuffed a couple of sweaters, jeans, t-shirts, toothbrush, bits and bobs into a holdall. Only forty minutes till the last coach, and I still had to grab a cab to the station. Mum would pick me up the other end just her presence would make things feel somehow more manageable.
Call me if you need anything. I can be there in a flash, Daniel reminded me.
I will. It wont be long, youll hardly have time to miss me, I managed.
The ride to the station was a blur. I checked my phone again and again, half expecting a message from Daniel or Mum. My plan was simple: sort things out, return home, then be honest with Daniel no half-truths, just clarity.
Next day, I sat in a small, private clinic not far from Mums cottage, appointment booked in secret. The checkup was quick and ordinary: tests, scans. The GP, a calm woman in her mid-forties, went through my records, then told me plainly:
Yes, youre pregnant. Early days about five or six weeks.
I nodded, stunned. Part of me still hoped thered been a mistake. But this was real.
But I was on the pill! How? My voice quaked. I followed everything the doctor said, religiously!
She considered me carefully. Perhaps the pills werent effective it does happen. Or maybe another medicine interfered, or you were unwell. These things are rare, but not impossible.
Another pause, as she watched me digest this.
Im guessing you dont want to continue the pregnancy, given your risk factors?
My eyes closed for a second. It wasnt a question I hadnt asked myself a hundred times lately. I remembered the doctors warnings, the statistics the risk staring me in the face. I took a deep breath to steady myself.
I have a nine-in-ten chance of going blind. What do you think I should do?
She nodded, quietly supportive. Shed read my file, and there was no question the risk was real.
I understand, Emma. Its a difficult decision, but only you know what you can live with. Ill order some additional tests, and well discuss options tomorrow.
She typed quickly, printed a sheet of referrals, and pressed them into my hand.
Well talk soon. And if you have questions, call anytime.
I left the surgery in a daze. Resting against the wall in the corridor, I allowed myself a long, slow breath. Tomorrow is another day. Somehow, Id get through to the other side.
***
Emma! Daniel practically shouted on the phone the next evening, his voice brimming with excitement that made my chest tighten. Why didnt you tell me?
My stomach clenched. Tell you what? I tried to keep as flat a tone as I could manage. Was it possible hed found out?
That youre pregnant! he exclaimed, as though hed been keeping a wonderful secret. He sounded so hopeful, as if he could picture some future together.
I hesitated, trying to gather my thoughts. How do you know?
I found a test packet in the hallway, with two lines. Ive already looked up the best specialists. Come back, lets book an appointment together?
I drew in a deep breath, thinking through my response.
Dont get ahead of yourself, I said softly but decisively. It could be a mistake. You know Im on the pill. I never missed a dose. It cant be what you think.
There was a pause I could tell he was struggling to piece this together.
Well Thats the thing Mum was round the other day and saw your tablets. Shes convinced your diagnosis isnt as dire as they say. Apparently, loads of women have babies with far worse. She went on about medicine and specialists and all that. Ill admit, she really got in my head
He trailed off awkwardly. I tried not to get angry, but the irritation was rising.
Wait, Daniel, are you suggesting you tampered with my medication because your mother thought it would be fine?
He blushed, and his voice dropped. No! Not not exactly that. Its just she persuaded me to take a chance. I didnt think anything really bad could happen Im sorry.
What exactly did you do? My voice was steady, but cold.
He held his hands together tightly, staring at the table. I I accidentally dropped the package. Tablets went everywhere. Instead of replacing them with the prescription, I topped up the blister pack with vitamins, thinking maybe we ought to try.
I stared at my phone, disbelief and fury fighting for space inside me.
Are you serious? I struggled to keep calm. You knowingly interfered with my medicine? Despite everything the doctors said? You went behind my back, because your mum talked you into it?
He squirmed, ashamed. I just I wanted us to have a family.
For us? Daniel, you didnt even discuss it with me! You know the risks you know what Ive been through. And you did it anyway, without so much as a word.
My hands shook. My head pounded, but I fought to stay rational.
Ive no time to talk now. I managed to sound controlled. Meet me by the riverside park, noon, the day after tomorrow. Then well talk.
Ill be there! he promised. We can fix this.
I hung up.
Rage boiled in me a blend of betrayal and loss. Daniel had known, for years, exactly what was at stake. Id explained, again and again, why I couldnt risk missing medication. But hed listened to his mother, and gambled with my health. How could I ever trust him again?
The decision was made. I wouldnt let him into my future. The day after next, I would tell him, face to face.
On the day, Daniel was early, shuffling nervously outside the gates, holding a bunch of white roses. I watched from a distance as my brother, Edward, kept me company hed promised not to let Daniel talk me round. When we met, Daniels hope flickered, but I didnt even glance at the flowers.
I wordlessly handed him a letter.
Whats this? What does it mean? he stammered, confusion plain on his face.
It means there will be no child, I said, my voice sharp as glass. You knew my diagnosis. You made a choice to put my life at risk, persuaded by your mothers opinions and nothing else. Ill collect the rest of my things tomorrow, with Edward. No room for misunderstanding.
Spinning on my heel, I strode away.
Emma, wait! Daniel called, chasing after me. Edward stepped aside, cold-eyed, and blocked him with an arm.
Youre lying! Daniel yelled, torn by a mix of fury and sorrow. I spoke to doctors! They told me modern medicine means theres barely any risk! You just dont want a baby, do you? Youre just making excuses!
I turned slowly, meeting his eyes. Did you really talk to my doctors? Do you even know my diagnosis? Or did you just tell them a vague story about a friend?
He faltered.
I could see now that hed convinced himself he was acting for the best but truth was, he hadnt listened to me, not once.
I thought about our future, a family you said youd consider adoption or surrogacy. Why not try?
Because this isnt some fantasy, Daniel! My anger cracked, honest and raw. This is my life. My health. My sight. I could end up blind, unable to work or look after myself. Did you think even for a second what that would mean for me?
But doctors said
Whose doctors? Your mums friends from the bowling club? Did you even check the statistics, or just hear what you wanted?
He had nothing more to say.
You betrayed me, I finished quietly. Trust, respect they matter. Ive spent years coming to terms with my limits. You just wiped that out, because you wanted a child at any cost.
Edward shifted beside me, fists clenching, but held his ground.
I cant be with someone I cant trust. I cant go on fearing what you might do next.
Daniels mouth worked, but no words came. He stood there, helpless, as we walked away. I glanced back once, saw him sitting on a bench, still clutching the bouquet.
Only then did I allow myself a moments sadness. Hed lost more than a child hed lost me.
The thought clanged in my head: What if Im right? But by then, for him, it was much, much too late.
