– Polly, are you ready yet? Im going to be late for school! Victoria gave her brother Cyrils last shirt a brisk shake and hung it on the washing line stretched across the balcony. The old balcony was her favourite spot in the flat, even though the chipped paint peeled from the walls and it was open to the breeze.
Vicky walked over to the rail and, as always, halted for a moment. On the seventh floor, you got this unbeatable view of the Thames snaking through the neighbourhood. Sunrise had already warmed everything with that clean spring light that makes you squint, clutching the cold metal in your hands. This, she thought, this is itlife happening! So clear, so dazzlingly bright it kind of hurt your eyes. She could feel it buzzing in her own chest and believed, honestly, that as soon as she got herself together, everything would turn out just as she’d dreamed.
A cloud wandered over and swallowed the sun for a moment. Vicky shivered and came back to earth. Everything seemed sharp and ordinary again. Isnt that always the way? Dreams, and thensnapback to reality. Still, what was it that Sue always said? Reality isnt given, its what you make it? Its up to us? Maybe she was right. Sue had always been the clever one, really, finished at university and made a career of it. She seemed convinced Vicky had every chance of getting into uni, tooif she really wanted to. Wanting, Vicky sighed, thats not always enough. Dad couldnt manage on his own, the little ones still young, money tighter than ever. She was going to have to choose: university, or a job to help out at home. Right now, helping Dad was the only real option.
She glanced at her wristwatchthe one Dad gave her years ago in Year 4and gasped. Theyd be late! Grabbing the empty wash basket, she darted inside.
Polly was fast asleep, one hand tucked under her cheek, breathing softly enough to make even Vicky pause, a little in awe. So beautiful, with eyelashes so long they brushed her cheeks, and those soft blonde curls all over the pillow. They were a pain to look after, but no way was Vicky cutting them offnot with how lovely they were. Her mum had just the same, she remembered. Vicky frowned. She didnt like thinking about her mum. You might forgive a lot in life, but not, she thought, betrayal. And their mum had betrayed themjust walked out. Polly had been only tiny and didnt remember her at all. Shed even called Vicky “Mum” sometimes, which had got her odd looks at the playground. Vicky smirked, remembering the first time a bunch of mums there had had a right go at her.
Theyd only moved into this place after their grandmother died and Dad inherited it. Their old two-bed flat had simply been too smallso now, in this sprawling four-bedroom, everyone could just about breathe.
Gran had been a strict, stand-offish sortprofessor at Kings, barely spoke to anyone in the block. When she was little, Vicky barely noticed, but as she grew, she started avoiding Grans flat. She hated the way Gran talked down to people, even to her. Of course, Vicky still went round to help, but every visit she had to grit her teeth and swallow whatever Gran flung her way.
You take after your mother, you know, Gran would sneer. You wont amount to much unless you inherit something decent from our side. Mind you, nature skipped a step with your dad. So if you wont learn, youll end up just where your mother did.
Vicky never answered back. Whats the point? Gran wouldnt have tolerated it anyway. Dad never told her off when Gran complained, but the look on his facedark, withdrawn for the rest of the daythat was worse than any punishment. So Vicky just kept her head down, did whatever chores were thrown at her, and bolted the moment Gran let her. Only once did she finally snap.
Your little brother and sister probably arent even your fathers, Gran hissed one rainy Wednesday. They arent family, and I dont want to hear about them here. Understood?
Then I wont come here anymore! Vickys fists balled at her sides.
What did you say? For a split second, Gran looked genuinely surprised, which took the wind out of Vickys sails, just a little. A moment before shed have smashed Grans cherished porcelain figurines just to get her point across. God, she loathed those thingsspending hours dusting them under Grans close watch, and for what? Gran banned the younger kids from the flat, worried over her precious figurines, never mind her grandkids.
Im not coming back! Vicky stomped out, yanked her coat on, and dashed home. Polly cooed from behind the baby gate, and Vicky barely had time to kick off her boots before scooping up her sister.
Youre mine, and so is Cyril, she said fiercely. Were familyno one elses words matter.
Dad peeked out from the bathroom, bewildered by this display, while Polly prodded Vickys cheeks, as if checking the tears were real, then promptly started crying even louder. Cyril, who had been revising at the kitchen table, ran in.
Whats their problem? he whispered.
No idea.
Honestly! He wrapped his arms round them both with one big squeeze. Hungry? Dad and I made pasta.
Gran called an hour later. Vicky quietly put her half-washed plate down and listened as Dads voice drifted in from the living roomfirst surprised, then sharper, then angry. Vicky hunched on her stool, hugging her knees. She braced herself for the worst
But nothing happened. Dad simply came into the kitchen, hugged her, kissed her on the forehead and said:
You dont have to see Gran again.
Why not?
Because nobody, not even family, gets to insult you or your siblings like that. Nobody.
Vicky finally let out the breath shed been holding. No more tiptoeing, no more endless picking apart. Now she could get on with her lifeand look after the little ones.
Gran died about a year and a half later. For the last two months, Vicky started visiting her again, after going with Dad to the hospital. The old woman in the thin hospital bed was nothing like the larger-than-life gran she rememberedonly that icy manner of hers remained. Vicky watched her order about a nurse and gripped Dad’s hand.
Ill stay, she told him quietly.
You dont have to, Dad replied.
I do. Its the right thing.
The nurses looked relieved; they finally had someone to act as a go-between. Vicky was at school afternoons so shed show up for the morning round. With her sitting there, back straight, Gran dialled it down, and the nurses got on with their jobs.
Youre a remarkable girl, said the senior nurse, giving Vickys shoulder a squeeze. Your gran… try not to hold it against her. If someones mean-spirited, it just means they never found happiness. Thats the real shame. They leave this world never really having understood themselves, or anyone.
On the last day Vicky saw her Gran, the old lady was oddly quiet, looking out at the grim sky. Vicky finished her homework, packed her things and stood up.
Id better go.
Wait Grans voice was barely a whisper. Im sorry, love. For everything. I wasted my life… Look after your dad.
Vicky nodded, grabbed her rucksack, and headed for the doorbut then something stopped her. She turned back, kissed Gran on the cheek, and said:
Rest well. Ill pop back later.
She caught a glimpse of her Gran turning her face away, blinking back tears, then let herself out. She barely had time to get to school. That night Gran passed away. When Dad told her, Vicky gathered up the little ones and quietly went to their room. It hurt, yes, but she knew it hit Dad far hardershed been his mum.
The move to Grans flat was chaotic. Polly caught every cold going, Cyril misbehaved and refused to study, and Dad was running himself ragged between work and home. Vicky packed up box after box, sending silent wisheswho knows to what or whomthat things would be different this time. Somehow, she believed someone was listening.
At last, in the new flat, they each got their own little bit of space. But before long, Polly was camping in Vickys room every night, and Cyril hovered round the kitchen where Vicky spent most of her time, dividing the table into homework and dinner duty.
Salt the potatoes! Vicky muttered, trying to get through a tricky physics problem.
Vick, the soups boilingnow what?
Hang on! Vicky set her pen aside and started chopping veg.
I cant get these negative numbers to add up, Cyril moaned. Vick?
Show me, then.
Polly sat at her tiny table beside them, scribbling away in her sketchbookif her big siblings did homework, so would she.
Adjusting to the new house was rough. With Dad working late, Vicky had to manage the kids. She could mostly reason with Cyril, but Polly was toughernursery helped, except when she was ill, and then Vicky had to miss her own school. She did, until Sue came along.
Sue, their new neighbour, Vicky met by chance. During their first week, she took Polly out to the playgroundteeming with kids and watchful adults. Polly wanted a go on the swings, but there was a queue.
Mum! Polly piped up, clear as a bell. A few mums shifted uneasily.
Mum? Her? How old is shesixteen? Disgraceful!
The whispers started right away, and Vicky had no idea how to get Polly away without making things worse.
Whats going on? said a sharp voice that reminded Vicky, for a second, of her gran. Sue had arrived, and her tone brought the gossips to an abrupt stop.
Hi, Sue. Glad youre here. Our new neighbour seems not to have passed muster with the committee.
Sue rolled her eyes, collected her son, and eyed the line of neighbours.
So, whats the problem? Sue asked.
One of the older women, arms folded, stepped up. Look at her, Sue! Having a child at that age, honestly! Isnt it wrong? The authorities should do something! A child raising a childit isnt right! The girl ought to be in school, and the babyd be better in care than here.
Is that all? Sue arched an eyebrow.
The older woman hesitated, but, rebuffed, muttered something under her breath and scuttled off with her own granddaughter.
Shows over, Sue declared. Next time, get your facts straight before you start a protest. Whos this, then?
My little sister, Vicky said.
Well then, Sue beamed, problem solved, isnt it?
The group dispersed, some still mumbling.
Whats your name, love?
Vicky. And shes Polly.
Well, you know mine. No need for Msjust Sue will do. And for heavens sake, dont call me Auntie SueIm not that old.
Vicky laughed and, without really knowing when, wound up becoming close friends with Sue. Some might wonder what a woman her age would want with a teenager, but at that point, it seemed the worldmaybe fatethought Vicky needed just that and handed her Sue as a lifeline.
Vicky soon realised why everyone on the block respectedmaybe feareda word from Sue. Sue was a solicitor, worked mostly on family cases. Sooner or later, nearly every neighbour ended up coming to her for advice. She was tough, reliable, and tight-lipped.
I could destroy half these reputations if I ever talked! Sue laughed, showing Vicky how to take down the curtains for a wash. Wonderful fabricsuch a hassle to wash, though.
Are people afraid of you, then?
People want to look good, Vick. They want everyone to think well of them, and when they believe it, they start to believe it themselves. If anyone ever found out that nice Mr So-and-So doesnt pay his child support, or that family dumped gran in a care home to take her flat… that persona would shatter. Thats why, love.
Vicky nodded. Thats exactly why Dad had them move here, too. To get away from anyone who knew why Mum left.
Sue became the first person Vicky told about her mum. Shed learnt to keep it all in, but Sue encouraged her to talk things through, to figure out what to do with the nagging questions.
One evening, Sue asked Vicky to feed her cat.
Got a hearing today, might run late. If you could feed Wellington, itll save me a world of grief.
Hes a cat, Suehell just sulk.
Oh, youve no idea, Sue laughed. Lock him in a room and hell thump at the door all night.
She showed Vicky where the food was, left, and Vicky got held up in school, then Polly dithered in the shop, choosing a chocolate, and then Cyril needed help with maths. She didnt get to Sues till nearly eight.
Sorry, Wellington! she called, filling the dish. The cat glared balefully at her.
The front door slammed, making Vicky jump.
Oh, its youthanks, love, Sue said, sinking into a chair. She looked exhausted and, to Vickys shock, suddenly started to cry.
Vicky quickly sat and placed her arm round Sues shoulders.
Sorry, Sue whispered, head in hands. Its just been a hard day. Mums gone, and theres no one left.
What about me? Vicky peered at her.
Sue let out a shaky laugh and smoothed Vickys curls. You know, I always wanted curls. Its the way for women, isnt it? Wanting what we dont have. And a child. Always wanted one of those too.
Sue trailed off.
Well, curls you can get done, but a child ? Vicky hesitated, but Sue had helped the family so much already, she felt she had to ask.
Sue wiped her tears and pulled out a clear folder.
A childs not on the cards for me. Not now, not ever. My own fault and nobody elses. Some mistakes, Vick, you just cant un-make.
It happened straight off the bat, Sue explainedsome people try for ages, and she caught the pregnancy immediately. Sue and Max were both thrilledparents since childhood, theyd always planned to do everything together. The wedding was beautiful, they both wanted a baby. They kept waiting for the right timepromotion, savings, travel, a new flat. When she did get pregnant, it was a total shock.
Max, what about our tickets? She laughed. Cant believe it happened so soon….
They decided to keep to their Thailand trip, doctor said it’d be fine. They did everything rightexcept allow for a teenager on a scooter. Sue woke up in hospital. The baby was gone, ribs broken, leg shattered. The doctor told Max she needed comfort, good emotions.
She just cries all the time, Max confessed, lost. I dont know what to do.
Sue pulled away from Max, locked in grief, and after they got home, their marriage crumbled. He tried, but she was unreachable. It took a year for the pain to dull, then one day they bumped into each other in court. They spent a long night talking, remembering their shared past, not the hurt. Eventually, they rebuilt something. Sue realised they weren’t children anymore, and when Max asked her to try again, she said shed think on it.
Well, I have, Sue said, pushing the file away. How could I ask him to give up what hed always wanted? Kids.
Are you sure theres no mistake? Vicky reached for the file.
Not according to every doctor under the sun. Smallest miracle, but almost none.
Well, I say try, and if not, then have a cry about it! Start after youve given it a go, not before.
Sue gave her a squeeze.
How do you get so wise, at your age?
Good teachers, Vicky mumbled, putting the kettle on.
Tell me, youve never saidwhy is it always just you and your dad? What happened to your mum? Go on, thenone honest confession for another.
