“Looking for a woman with no financial issues”: I went on a date with a man who, at 45, still lives with his mum… And thats something Ill never forget.
Have you ever given a thought to just how much you can tell about a person from a single line in their dating profile? Not the pictures taken in front of someone elses car, nor the endless lists of demands worthy of their own statutejust one, short phrase that seems tossed in as an aside, but actually reveals everything you need to know.
Looking for a woman with no financial issues.
Thats the line that caught my eye while aimlessly scrolling through profiles on a Saturday night. The chap in the photo was perfectly ordinarynot overweight, a gentle look in his eyes, a crisp shirt. Lets call him Martin, age 45.
Normally, I skim right past these sorts of lines. In my experience, it usually translates as, Ive no plans to contribute anything financially and I very much hope youll be footing the bill for us both. But that evening, curiosity got the better of me. I really wondered what was lurking beneath this mans search for female financial independence, given he appeared, well entirely average.
Curiosity seldom leads to anything good, but this time I gained a remarkable story. We agreed to meet.
First Impressions: Sterile and a Bit on Edge
Martin suggested we meet in the park. Classic move for anyone keen to avoid splurging at a coffee shop on a first date. I didnt mindI like walking, and the weather was brisk but sunny.
He arrived bang on time. To the minute. At first I saw that as a plus but quickly realised it wasnt the punctuality of confidence, more the obedience of a schoolboy. He waited by the park gates, standing stiff in perfectly-pressed trousers with razor-sharp creases.
Good afternoon, he said, running a keen but quick glance over my coat and handbag. He seemed to be checking for labelswas he hoping to spot those dreaded financial issues?
We strolled along the path in the usual way: chat about the weather, the traffic, the daily grind. Martin spoke carefully, a little bookish, but underneath his voice was an odd noteas if he were seeking my approval, or forever preparing to justify himself.
Interviewing for a “Convenient Woman”
No sooner had the formalities passed than Martin shifted gears, straight to the pointas though opening up my CV right there.
So, what do you do for a living?
Im the head of accounts at a logistics firm.
Thats good. Stable. And do you own your place, or is it mortgaged?
I nearly tripped. Usually these questions come after a glass or two of winenot fifteen minutes into a walk.
Own it, I lied, curious to see where this would lead.
Wonderful, he visibly relaxed. Its just you know, these days, so many women look to a man to solve their debts and financial troubles. Loans, car payments, mortgages. I think a relationship should be an equal partnership.
Sounds fair on the face of it. Whos against partnership? But the devilas alwaysis in the details.
And yourself? I asked, Do you live alone?
And thats when Martin dropped the line that should have put an end to things there and then, but I decided to stick out the psychological drama.
No, I live with my mum. Its sensible and practical. Why pay for rent when weve got a big, three-bedroom flat? Plus, Mum struggles on her ownher age, her blood pressure
Forty-five years oldliving with his mother.
How do you manage the chores, then? I asked, treading carefully.
Oh, Mums rather old-fashioned, he smiled at the mention of her; warmer than hed smiled at me all evening. She sees the kitchen as her territory, and she cooks brilliantly. I help outtaking the rubbish out, popping to the shops with a list. It all runs smoothly.
With a list, I noted silently.
The Economics of a Mothers Boy
We soon reached a coffee stand. I pauseda little test. Martin hesitated.
Would you like a coffee? he asked, sounding as though Id proposed a financial risk.
I settled for a cappuccino.
Not cheap round here, is it he glanced at the menu. Ive got a cracking coffee machine at home, usually bring a flask. Forgot it today, mind. Oh well, lets get something. Small, for you?
He bought me a small cappuccino. Took nothing for himself.
I had some before I left, he mumbled.
After this, Martin gave me a rundown of his woman with no problems philosophy. He wasnt just after a woman with a jobhe wanted someone completely self-sufficient, ready to fit seamlessly into his already-established world.
I just dont get why women are so hung up about money, he mused. My ex was always on at me: Lets move out, lets go on a holiday, lets change the car. Why? The car goes, the flats here. Mum and I manage perfectly well with a tidy nest egg.
And your mums happy for you to get married? I asked outright.
Of course! She keeps telling me: Martin, find a good housekeeper, I cant manage the cleaning anymore.
And there it wasthe real picture.
He wasnt in need of a partner. He and his mother needed a recruit.
Mums getting older, and its harder to do everything for her forty-five-year-old boy. Stews, shirts, the whole three-bedroom flatits a physical challenge. They needed someone to step in. Preferably a woman with no financial issues, so thered be no need to share the cash.
A Call from HQ
Just as he launched into a lecture about his views on saving electricity, his phone rang. Martin jumped.
Yes, Mum? he answered, voice instantly soft, almost childlike. Yes, Im out walking. Yes, with that lady. No, Im not cold. Scarfs on. The cutlets? Ill be home. An hour? All right. Get some butter? The salted one? Right, will do.
He hung up and offered a sheepish grin.
Mum worries. Asked me to be back for dinner.
I glanced at my watch. Five oclock.
Martin, I said, stopping in my tracks, have you considered that a woman with no financial issues might want to actually live her own life? Away from your mother? Maybe travel, go out to restaurants?
He looked genuinely puzzled.
Why live separately when weve got the flat? Doesnt make sense. And restaurants home-cooked food is healthier. A woman should value the family home.
Whos Really in Charge?
I made my farewells politely and headed home, turning over the encounter in my mind.
Men like this may seem frugal or simply devoted sons. But the truth goes deeper. Martin isnt the master of his life. Hes living by his mothers rules, dressed up as his own.
Looking for a woman with no financial issues in plain English reads: Looking for a woman who wont trouble my mum.
A woman with a mortgage would expect support. A woman with kids would need attention. A woman with ambition would haul him out of his rut. Thats not what he wants.
Why Its a Trap
The funny thing is, its often strong, independent women who respond to men like Martin. Were used to doing everything ourselves and think: Seems respectable, doesnt drink, not a freeloader.
But in this set-up, all for the family means all for Mum. Youll never come first. Youll be allowed near the precious Son as long as you dont rock the boat or touch the family budget.
Youll bust a gut at work, spend only your money, and come home to comments on how youve ironed his shirts all wrong.
I deleted Martins profile that night. Actually, I blocked himbest not to come across him again.
Ever met such a Martin? Do you reckon blokes like that have a shot at a normal family? Or is their fate already sealed? Ive learned to spot the signsand to walk away fast.
