A Place to Belong
Mum, what are you doing?! I could hardly hold back my tears as I watched her hurl my few possessions out of the wardrobe. My favourite red polka-dot dress lay strewn on the floor and immediately caught my little brothers attention. Toby, who was sitting on the rug, grabbed the sash and shoved it into his mouth. No, Toby, please! Give it here!
Of all things, youre fretting over an old rag? Mum scornfully tossed my worn jeans onto the pile and slammed the wardrobe doors. Get out, Emma!
But where, Mum? Where am I supposed to go? And now, at this hour? Have you lost your mind?
Ill do as I please! This is my home, she barked, and you dont belong here!
What about me? Isnt this my home too?
No, darling! Mum scooped Toby into her arms and wiped his snotty nose on the hem of my favourite dress, her face set like granite. Nothing here is yours! And Ive had enough, do you hear me? Im just starting to put my life back together, and you want to ruin it all? Not happening!
Mum, what exactly am I ruining? What?
Dont play innocent! Who is it whos always fluttering her lashes at Steve? Is it not you?
That was enough to make me shout, making Toby flinch and start to cry. Mum! Listen to yourself! Do you even know what youre saying?
Oh, I can hear you perfectly well. Enough. Im done. I want you gone in five minutes.
Mum booted the door shut as she stormed out, leaving me frozen in the middle of the room. It slowly dawned on me that Id been thrown out of my own home. My mind simply refused to work, thoughts scrambled, nothing forming properly. Tobys wailing reached me from behind the door, cutting through the confusion. I almost went to him out of habitit had always been my job to calm him, distract him any way I could. Mums new husband couldnt stand the noise when his son cried, or anything to do with kids really. Id grown up so differentlysurrounded by affectionso I could never quite understand what was happening to Mum these days. Instead of soothing Toby herself, shed pass him off to me and vanish to be with her man.
Sort him out! Youre old enough nowtime to help, shed say.
Old enough. Only yesterday I was their pampered little princess, and today, Mum calls me a stray. The past couple of years had turned everything upside down so quickly I could barely keep up.
First, Dad was goneheart attack, right at the bus stop. Unfair and pointless, because he might have been saved if just one person standing by had bothered to care. Still younghe wasnt even fifty, neatly dressed, nothing like a vagrant. Yet for more than an hour, nobody stopped, nobody phoned for help, shrugged him off as a drunk or madman, sleeping by the kerb in November. When someone finally tried to rouse him, it was far too late.
I remember exactly how Mum reacted. She froze, detached from everything. I cried, begged her to see me, but she might as well have been carved from ice. Not a tear at the funeral. Afterwards, she locked herself in her room and seemed to have forgotten her daughter, leaving me utterly alone.
We had no relatives, and Mum and Dads friends had long faded into little more than acquaintances who dropped in at Easter or Christmas, then melted away for months on end. My parents always boasted how strong their family was, that they needed no one else. I used to agree, even resented visitors. What was the point? We were happy enough as we were.
That lasted until I started primary school. Oddly, there were fewer boys than girls in our class, so they sat me next to a small, sparky girl with thick black plaits. They looked so heavy she sat bolt upright all the time, making me instantly jealous; my own pale curls stuck out no matter what Mum did, and I was quickly nicknamed Dandelion.
I only dared touch Lucys braid after two days, when, with a toss of her ribbons, she grumbled, Im sick of these. Ill chop them off, even if Mum tells me off.
Without thinking, I reached out, stroked the shiny plait that poured like silk down the chair back, and whispered, Dont be sillytheyre gorgeous.
Thats how our friendship beganme and Shiny. Thats what everyone called Lucy, whose hair mesmerised me.
Lucy lived in a huge, rambling house on the edge of town with a mass of siblings, grown-ups, oldies and babies everywhere. I could never keep track of who was who. Her mum, the first time I visited, simply sat me at the table and fed me till I couldnt move. Her brothers and sisters, regardless of age, always lent a hand. Her older brother would help with algebra, and her big sister taught us to bake. Even the youngest girls in Lucys family could whip up the most delicious pasties in no time, while Mum barely let me near our kitchen. Its too soon, shed say.
Visiting Lucys house, I came to realise family and friends werent so terrible. Later, Id find that things could be just the opposite, but back then I watched in awe as Lucy was showered with presents at every occasion: birthdays, or any celebrationthere were so many. At cousin Valeries birthday, Lucy would still get a pile of sweets, a new jumper, and ribbons.
Why? I once asked, watching her twirl in front of the mirror. Its not even your birthday! Lucys answer was simple: Why wait to make people you love happy? And just wait till Christmasthe gifts then! she laughed.
Mum didnt approve. She disliked Lucy and, had she ever seen the chaos of their house, would have outright forbidden me going there. But Mum worked a lot, so it was easy to dash home after school to wolf down a quick bite, then escape to Lucys house where the kitchen was always warm, there was cake or peach jam, and someone explaining how to make it. I looked forward to those visits as much as breathing. There, I felt safe and wanted.
When my dad died, it was Lucys family who sent over her two older brothers that night. They brought some money, sorted everything out. Mum didnt even want to leave her room but did what they said, eyeing them resentfully. They handled the documents, drove us where needed, then brought us home. Lucy tried to comfort me, then just wept with me, her tears running into the pastry she was kneading. She baked so much that we had to borrow fridge space from the neighbour.
For days, Lucys brothers accompanied us wherever we went, fixing little problems, shielding us. Mum took no notice, but I never forgot.
When I asked Lucy later, she said, Of course. Youre not a stranger. And you have no men at home now. Someone had to help.
Six months later, Lucy was married off. I was speechless, and when I found my voice, I pounced on her with questions and protests. Are you serious? Youre getting married now? What about university? You wanted to be a doctor!
I still do. My dad and my fiancé reached an agreement. Ill carry on studying. She carefully folded her wedding veil.
I dont get it. Why the rush? You love him that much?
She was genuinely puzzled. Ive only met him twice. Love? Not yet, just curiosity. The rest will come.
But Lucy, your parents chose for you? And if you never love him?
She shrugged, This is how its done. Our parents pick so wisely. They just want me to have a home, a family. Whats so wrong with that?
I couldnt argue. At Lucys wedding, I nearly sobbed but held it back, but when she moved away to study in Londonher husbands family had bought them a flat thereI did cry, heartbroken.
How will I manage without you?
Same as me without you. If things get bad, come down. Well sort something out.
By then, my mum had paired up with Steve, and Lucy looked at me with concern as I dragged my feet home from college.
Whats wrong? Why dont you want to go home?
I never told her how Mums new husband lurked for me in the kitchen, or about Mums sudden harshness since the birth of Toby, her new little boy. I had to lock my bedroom, which annoyed Mum, especially when shed barge in to dump Toby in my arms so she could disappear. I loved my brother, but being up nights with him meant I started fainting at college. Rumours began to swirl.
Before college ended, I got a job at the hospitaland was relieved, since night shifts meant I could stay away from home for days.
Soon after seeing Lucy off, a huge row broke out with Mum. The tension had built up so long, I didnt know how to defuse it.
But Mum never wanted to listen to anyone, least of all me. When our neighbour cooed over Toby, saying, You have such beautiful children, Natasha. Theyll be breaking hearts soon. What about Emma? Is she seeing anyone yet? Shes never around, always working or studying. She should make a life for herself
I have no idea what set off Mum that day, but after that comment, she chucked me out. Now I stood by my bed, shoving clothes into a bag, wondering where on earth I could go. If not here, then where? Where was my place?
I couldve rung Lucy, but what could she dopregnant and juggling studies herself? Unlike me, who couldnt even explain all this to her own mum.
I took one last look round my old room, grabbed Dads photo, stuffed it into my bag, and wiped my eyes. Maybe this was for the best. Id been a stranger here for a while, really. Let Mum get on with her new life.
I heard pots banging in the kitchen as the telly blared. I made for the corridor but stopped. What would I say? Was there even anything left to sayor forgiveafter tonight?
Outside, it was already dark and chilly. Autumn had swept into the city almost overnight that year. On my walk to work that morning, Id spotted boys in shorts and girls in winter coats. Id pulled out the scarf Lucy gave me last Christmas and my warmest jacket. At least I wouldnt need to go home for them. Hurt and resentment, like a gnawing little animal, nipped at me, but I pushed aside those thoughts. First things firstwhere to go?
The bus stop was nearly deserted but for a dog napping and a couple of late-night wanderers. I set my bag on a bench and buried my hands in my pockets.
When a car pulled up, I tensed. Even though the streets werent empty, I didnt feel safe anymore.
Emma?
Alex! Relief washed over meit was Lucys older brother, the one whod once helped with maths and later at the funeral.
What are you doing here at this hour? Off to work?
Umyeah. To the hospital, actually. Yes. I need to be there.
So why are all your things with you? His look was so gentle, I blurted it all outabout Mum, Steve, and suddenly being homeless.
Hop in, Alex said simply. I got in, thinking hed just drop me at the hospital.
We rode in silence through the city night. The car was warm, and for a moment, I just let the calmness wash over me, knowing it wouldnt last. Mums words kept echoing: You dont belong here.
It was only when I realised we were driving out of town that I stirred. Alex, wait! I need to get to the hospital.
To sleep? Just for tonight? And after that, what then?
I dont know
Well, I do. Were not heading to the hospital. Youll see where were going.
He parked outside a gated block of flats. The security guard nodded us in. Alex led me up to the third floor and rang a bell.
It took a while but finally the door opened. I found myself facing a very tall woman in a loose dress.
Alex! Why didnt you ring ahead? she chided, then caught sight of me. Oh, I know you! Youre Lucys friendsaw you at the wedding. Come in, love, dont hang about. Youre hardly a strangerdont make me sad!
As I stepped in, I was wrapped in a sudden warmth. Marble floor, a glittering old chandelier. While I gawked, Alex whispered to his aunt, got a nod, and took his leave.
Where are you going? Before I could protest, hed gone, and I was alone with her.
Dont stand about! Coats off. Lets have some coffee and you can tell me how a pretty girl ends up out in the cold. Dont you have a home? A mother?
I dont think so anymore, I blurted, and suddenly had no strength left. I slumped onto a stool and wept bitterly. At first she stood there, then, gathering me up, hugged me tightly, stroking my hair.
Oh, my dear! How could it come to this, eh? What on earth were the heavens thinking! Never mind, dont cry, love. It all sorts itself out in the end, youll see! Listen to meIve seen enough sorrow and I wont let it touch you. Not now, not ever.
She rocked me gently, hands soothing, protective.
Comelet me fix you a proper coffee. Drink it upmaybe not forever, but just for a while, it makes the sadness easier. Sometimes a breathing space is all you need.
Her name was Nora, and she sat me down in her big bright kitchen, poured me strong bitter coffee and talked about her past. Shed grown up far away, on her parents land. Home was everything, Nora said. Hard to leave your place behind
She told me how shed lost everything, fled with her siblings, their house burnt, her parents lost. I wont go through that story now, but we survived, hand to mouth. I took care of my brother and sisters. My niece Lucy and nephew Alextheyre my brothers children. And there are othersnieces, nephews, even great-grandchildren now. Lucy will add another soon enough.
Why dont you live with them? I asked.
Because I still wake up screaming sometimes, and I dont want to trouble them. I visit, but I stay herelet their souls rest easy. Thats enough for me.
Did you never have children of your own?
No. There was no time. My siblings needed me
And thats all?
Nora looked me in the eye. Youre sharp. Not only that. Once, I loved one of those who destroyed our home more than words. More than parents. I might have followed him anywhere, if only hed asked. But he never did. Didnt even know I survived. Life had other plans.
Youre very strong.
Oh, only because I had other peoples strength to carry methe children, relatives, even strangers. Now my strength is yours, Emma. This is your place now, at least till I hand you safely over to your own husband one day! Dont worrytheres no escaping it, Im training you up. Like I did Lucy and her sisters. So I can be proud!
She laughed, and I began to relaxperhaps for the first time in months.
Nora kept her word. Two years later, Id learned to cook so well even Lucy said, Yours is better than minewhats your secret? We sat in Noras kitchen, drinking coffee.
All thanks to Aunt Nora. Without her
Oh, dont flatter, Emma, or my headll swell and St Peter wont let me in, Nora cackled over her coffee pot.
Lucy chuckled. Shes your double, Nora! Youve worked wonders on her!
Not finished yet, Nora said, suddenly serious, glancing at me.
Lucys curiosity was piqued. What is it, Emma? Something happened?
I hesitated, but nodded. My mums ill. Really ill. She was even in my hospital. I saw her charts.
You havent visited? Lucy nearly leapt out her chair.
No. I justcant. Not after how she threw me out. If Alex hadnt found me, if not for Nora, I dont know where Id be. Did my mum worry about me, when she chose Steve over me? He left her, you knowas soon as he learned she was sick. Left her and Toby.
Lucys jaw dropped. Wheres Toby now?
In care. They wouldnt let me have himI have a job, but no home. Couldnt afford a flat on nurses pay alone, even picking up odd shifts.
Why cant you go back to the flat?
Mum had me taken off the lease. I havent the papers social services need to give me Toby back. I hardly sleep nowwondering how hes doing
Lucy cut me off. If thats how you feel, why are you sitting here? Come on!
Where?
To your mums bedside.
Why?
Where is she now?
Shes home. Discharged a few days ago.
So, were going. Not to make up, but for Tobys sake. Think about him. Remember how bad it was when nobody thought of you? Well, dont do that to him.
In the end, I made up with Mum. Two days before she died, changed beyond recognition, stricken and hollow, she finally asked for my forgiveness. For two months, Id cared for her, sorted documents, pushed aside my resentment, focused on Toby. And as I looked in Mums eyes, I didnt remember the night she forced me out, but a distant summerme, five or six, Mum in her red sundress, feeding me sweet cherries in our old kitchen. All that was left was a forgotten happiness. The words came, almost by themselves, returning peace to my heart: I forgive you, Mum
And only then did I truly understand what Nora had once told me: You must let go of the bitterness; drive it away like a mad dog, or itll poison your life, blind you to joy, keep your heart in darkness.
A week later, Toby, gripping my hand tight, followed me into our flat for the first time since then.
Are we home now, Emma? he asked with the utmost seriousness.
Yes, love. Were home. This is our place now, do you see?
He nodded, so solemn that I finally felt iteverything was where it was meant to be. This was home. For both of us.
