Letter to Father
Oh, Oliver, you are a right character! I never expected this from you! Emily couldnt have cared less for propriety and quite shamelessly wiped her nose on her sleeve.
That posh blouse? Her mum had sewn it from silken fabric shed unearthed from her drawers, sighing over it a little, regretting that such beauty wouldnt be hers, then settling with steadfast resolve at her Singer.
As if! The girl had grown up; she needed proper clothes. Whod even look at her if she rocked up in rags?
Honestly, Mum shouldnt have bothered Whats the point? Emily brooded, glowering after the departure of her first love.
Said love was currently marching away from Emily at a cheery pace, more fitting for a parade ground, and didnt look back. Not even once.
Absolutely insufferable!
Emily choked back another sob but remembered, in time, that her lashes were meticulously coated in forbidden mascara; tears would be a tactical error.
Oliver, Ollie, Ollie-boy
Her darling. Her one and only. Six months of happiness, thats all fate had signed off for them. Emily had counted. It had been exactly half a year since theyd met.
Only six months, and oh, what a lot had happened
Oliver did, in fact, glance back, but Emily made a grand show of ignoring him.
Heaven forbid! Shed come to him with Big News, and this was how he responded? Well, he could just jog on! Sailorha! Let him have his sea and his so-called freedom! Off you pop! If he wanted so badly to be free, shed learn to be free too. What, did he suppose she couldnt raise a child on her own? Shed have the baby, bring it up, and ask no ones permission. Much ado about nothing!
Emily seethed, but deep down, a sharp, whiny, grating sense of injustice gnawed at her.
How could this be? Hed said he loved her, promised her the world! Vowed theyd marry And the moment she hinted at a baby on the way, hed done the off?
Well, not exactly told him
Shed carefully suggested maybe she expected a bit more than weekend meet-ups, and hed promptly replied that the open sea was waiting, and he wasnt about to bin his big plans for her ideas. If she loved him, she should pack up and go with him.
As if! Leave her mum, belly and all, for who-knows-where, with no family, no friends, nothing and no one?
Certainly not! That would not be happening.
Emily slid off the park bench, straightened her skirt, and tried to fluff her hair. It was never much, but with a curling iron, it passed. Mum always said appearances matter. Look at Oliver: no oil painting, himcould make you weep to look at him! Yet every girl in town lost their head over him. Must be the charm and the wit. He knew how to listen, too, just like one of those university lads, even though his education barely got him through secondary school. But clever, nonetheless.
Not that Emilys schooling was much to boast about. Got her BTEC and quit, despite Mums nagging. That sparked a rowa month-long silent treatment! When did that ever happen before?
Still, Emily knew her worth, diploma or no. She earned decent money on the building site as it was. Sent some home to Mum, had enough left for herself.
Mum had eventually forgiven her, fussed over her, and tucked her back under her wing. Thats what mums are for. But what would she say now, hearing the grandma news? Scandal surely incoming.
No use guessing. Of course thered be a scene!
Her mother screamed the house downbrought all the neighbours running. Not that they were told anything. Emilys trouble at work was all they got before being sent away. After all, family matters are for family aloneno need for the local peanut gallery.
How could you, child? Didnt I warn you to keep yourself for marriage? Wholl want you now, eh? Oh, Oliver! Never thought hed pull a stunt like this! Seemed a decent lad! Snake in the grass. Never mind. Hell see! Wait, so you told him about the baby, and he just legged it?
Emily pondered. Should she spill the truth to her mum? No, best stick to the storyher end of blame was lighter that way, and Oliver would be miles out of reach by the time anything got back to him.
Yes, mum. Thats exactly what happened.
Oh, you poor thing What will we do?
Well get on with it! Were not little girls, are we? We can manage! If youll help me at the start, itll be just fine.
Where on earth else would I be, Emily! What a thing to say! What sort of mother leaves her child if they need her?
Emily closed her eyes for a moment and exhaled, relieved.
So there, Oliver! Well manage splendidly without youmy love. Off you go! If you love the water more than your own child, so be it.
Time passed, and soon Emily herself forgot half the details of that long-ago conversation with Oliver. Shed even convinced herself shed revealed the whole truth and merely got smacked on the nose for her trouble. Whatever the true memory, anger and heartbreak wove a warm nest inside her, twisting together like sticky black liquorice, occasionally wriggling back to the surface with a sly little jibe:
Look at thatyour daughter! Spitting image of her dadright little imp, always up to mischief! Keeps you guessing, doesnt she? Just wait till she asks after her runaway dad. Off he went, never a letter, never a call! And shell be off like a rocket the minute she can. Thats what happens when folks cant love or be loved. Apple never falls far from the tree
Maybe thats why EllieEmilys daughtergrew up certain that only her gran loved her. On good days, that is. Gran would cuddle and fuss, but the second the neighbours chuckled behind her back, shed push Ellie away with a, Off you go! Go to your mother! Shes the one to comfort you, poor mite What did we do to deserve such trouble, God knows!
For years, Ellie was thoroughly convinced her real names were poor mite and trouble, not Ellie at all. Only rarely would her mum call her the sweet Ellie she craved. In those rare moments of calm, shed get the odd cuddle.
Come here, darling! Let me sort your hair. It really is lovely. Not like my old mop So thick, you know, just like your dads. He had such dark hair Eyes as blue as the English Channel, the one he ran off to Youre like him. Prettier for it, but just you waityour lucks as bad as mine.
Whys that, Mum? Ellie would snuffle, always on the verge of tears.
Just because, love.
Her mothers voice would tremble then, and Ellie instinctively knew not to ask more. Cheaper to slink off to Gran, bury her face in the floury, roast-beef-scented apron and have a weepfirst for herself, then her mum, and then gran for good measure. Because, as far as she understood it, mums shame was lugged about by gran.
What kind of shame it was, or why anyone had to lug it at all, Ellie learned much later. She was barely ten when her mother, quite unexpectedly, perked up, grew rosier than ever, and moved to London to start over.
Ellie stayed with Gran.
Not as if she was heartbroken. Mum had left her before, off to work in the city, muttering that someones got to feed a fatherless child. And she always came back happy, if tired, laden with presents and new clothes, fussing over Ellies scraggly frame.
Mum, whys she so skinny? The neighbours will think we dont feed her!
Well, your daughter barely touches her food, thats why! I try everythingshe grabs a crust and says shes full! With you home, maybe the child would eat proper! But Ive got cows to milk, the farm to run, and now a child! If you want to moan, maybe youd better stay home and mind her yourself!
Oh, dont nag, mum! Come on, look what I brought for you!
And what do I want with your presents? Oh, love, itd be better if you just stayed here! My heart aches, I miss you so
Mum would cloud over, and Ellie would hide in the corner, sensing a showdown approaching.
Is that so? Youre lonely, are you? Well, try being me, then! Im still young and actually not half-bad looking, but whats the use? I live like a hermit! And now even you have a pop! Sometimes I wish I could just run away. Mum, have a bit of pity! I saddled myself with enough of a burden If Id known how things would turn out, would I have let him go?
Whats done is done, love; no use crying over spilt milk!
Mum!
What? Had a childlook after her! Or cant face it? Write to the father, thenmaybe hell take the girl?
As if! Like Id ever give Ellie to him! He never wanted anything to do with her! Now what, serve up a ready-made daughter on a silver platter? Not likely! I didnt slog away for years just for him to come swanning in and claim the results!
If so, then dont moan! The child hears it all, you know. Do you think it doesnt hurt, knowing her fathers a rotter and her mums run ragged?
She can be hurt if she likes! Life isn’t all jam and cream! Sometimes it belts you round the ear so hard, you dont know whats hit you! Thats enough, mum! End of discussion. And dont you even think about writing to Oliver yourself! I know what youre like.
Gran, naturally, obeyed that orderup to a point.
Ellie was prepping for her GCSEs when the news came from London: her mother had had a little boy, and within the week, tragically, shed passed away, leaving questions that would never be answered.
And Ellie might never have learned the truth behind her beginnings, if not for her own stubborn streak.
When Gran packed her bags to sort things in London, leaving a tearful Ellie to mind the house, she said firmly, No time for tears, petalthink how were going to live, eh?
Ill get a job, Gran!
Well see, love. First weve got to sort out the baby. The lads father took him but says he cant cope. And mecan I manage, Ellie?
What else can we do? I hardly saw Mum, growing up! Cant send this one into carejust isnt right.
I know Only, Im scared. Not sure Ill last much longer
Once Gran left, Ellie turned the house upside down, knowing full well her mothers rules no longer applied.
Time to find Dad. Without his help, theyd never manage now.
Shed always known what to do. Even as a tot, before she could write, shed crayon little stories in picture formtelling Dad about the new kitten or Gran teaching her to make fairy cakes. Gran found Ellies hidden albums one day, but said nothing; shed tried one last talk with her daughter, but seeing how deep that old grudge ran, she gave up. Emily had never told Oliver he had a child.
When Ellie moved from pictures to wonky letters, she continued writing to her father, keeping battered exercise books crammed with her lifeits joys, its upsets, her sulks, and her triumphs.
And now, she was ready to write the most important letter of all. The one she would actually send.
She managed to find an old, battered envelopeher mother had hidden it so thoroughly that if Ellie hadnt knocked a frame from the wall, shed never have stumbled on it. As the frame bounced, glass shattering, Ellie burst into frustrated tears. Mum always said I was a butterfingers
Tucked beneath the photograph: that precious address. Ellies hands shook as she tugged the envelope from behind her mothers smiling portrait.
Whats this? Ellie drew out the envelope, realised what shed found, and cried even harder. Why, Mum? What did I ever do to you?
She stayed on the floor for ages, pouring her heart out to her motherfury, apologies, the lot.
Didnt help, but still.
Sorry, Mum, but Im not listening this time. I know you didnt want me in touch with Dad But Gran says shes not going to be around forever. I am annoyed with her for saying that, but, well, shes right. Well never manage alone now. If Dad turns out to be as dreadful as you said, at least Ill know for sure, and then Ill stop hoping! But if not? Im sorry, Mum, but I never quite believed you. You always said Dad was rubbish, but thenwhy have me if you didnt want to love me? Why all the martyr drama, eh? Im ungrateful, fine, but you try being as lonely as Ive been my whole life. People telling you youre just like the man youve never even met! How should I know? I want to see him. And hear what he has to say!
It never crossed Ellies mind that the person at the other end might have moved.
She wasnt thinkingshe just acted.
After an evening (and good chunk of the night) hunched over a scrap of lined paper torn from an old exercise book, Ellie finally managed three lines she felt were enough. They carried her outrage, her plea for help, and a timid hope that her father might hear her.
She posted it the next morning on the way to school. When she came home, Gran was there, holding a fussy, red-faced, impossibly tiny baby boy.
There you go, love. This is Alex. Your brother Gran sniffled and turned her back as Ellie peered at the baby.
Gran, whys he so small?
Hes normal. You were even titchier.
Really?
Oh yes. And look at you nowshooting up. Hell catch up.
Gran, what about his dad
Says hell send money, but wont take him in. Says hes too busy for all that.
Well, I suppose thats something Ellies clichéso perfectly like her grans usual sayingsmade Gran smile despite herself.
Oh, Ellie! How are we ever going to manage?
We just will, Gran! Like everyone does! Look at Chloe Evansnine kids and she still doesnt complain! Shes promised to bring me some of the twins old babygros. Says some still have the tags on. That happens, right, Gran?
What, outgrowing things too quick? Oh, Ellie, yeschildren shoot up.
Dont cry, Gran! Or Ill cave in too! And this chap will join us any second. What does he want? Is he wet?
Hungry, probably. Oh my daysyes, its feeding time!
Gran bustled about and thrust the baby into Ellies arms.
Hold him a tick! Dont worry, you wont drop himyoure a capable girl, youll see. May he take after you!
Ellie froze.
Here, in her arms, was living proof she wasnt alone. All these years, she dreamed of someone who needed her as much as she needed them. Gran and Mum never quite countedthey had their own ideas about what was needed.
Youll get wed and leave us behind. What use will we be to you then? Mum would shrug whenever Ellie, in a rare optimistic mood, asked about the future.
But Ellie wanted a big noisy family, like Chloe Evans, where everything was chaos and noise and warmth. Children skittered all over, and three generations under one roof made life feel secure.
Chloe lived with her parents and in-laws, calling both sets mum and dad, ran the household with an iron will and warmth, insisting the whole circus was her responsibility as wife and mother. Her husband, supportive sort, nipped family rows in the bud by wagging a finger:
All right, now! Tidy this place! No reason to raise voices in a family home!
Ellie, once overhearing this, tucked it away as a life lesson. Thats how you do it! Always rememberfamily comes first.
Poor girlher family was just Gran and, for a while, Mum. Shed always hoped for more.
Well, here was more now
That silly, puckered little brother hunting for a feed reminded her: this was forever. Alex needed her, and she needed him. Whatever happened, hed always be her warm, wriggly anchor.
Ellie soon learned how to deal with Alex. Chloe sprinted over and, quick as you like, demonstrated baby-wrangling on a yowling Alex.
Right then! Give it some welly, lad! Make those lungs work! And you, Ellie, watch and learn. Theres nothing to it. Babes have always been about, and youll cope. Ill show you bathing and nappiesthen its all yours. Wheres Gran?
Popped out to sort paperwork. She showed me everything, but I wanted to double-check with you
Why? Whats wrong with Grans methods? Chloe frowned.
Its not like that! Shes just not sure she remembers, and youyou remember everything, dont you?
Oh, do I ever! chuckled Chloe, whose own twins were just out of night nappies. Feels like yesterday.
Thats why Id rather you show me. Its scary. Hes so tiny
Stop fussing! Well muddle through! Chloe expertly swaddled Alex, already cooing. Youd have had two by now, by old standards. Motherhoods not as mysterious as its made out to be.
Ellie watched carefully but couldnt imagine being a mum herself just yet. Babygros and bottles werent all there waslove mattered most. But how
Alex soon taught her. These days, Ellie rushed home from school, not slogged. Waiting thereher baby brothers very first toothless smile, given not to Gran, but to her, Ellie! And Ellie was the very first word that little rascal ever managed.
Ellie! roared chubby Alex, toddling lopsidedly across the garden to greet his sister.
Im here, my darling! Come to me!
Warm, grubby arms hooked round her neck, and Ellie melted, showering his grubby cheeks with kisses.
Whereve you been this time, eh? Whyre you all muddied up? Lets get you washed up!
With his sister, Alex would bear anything, even soap. Gran would cackle at the sight of Ellie chasing, cornering the slippery toddler:
Slippery eel! Hang on tight, Ellie, or hell bash his nose!
Somehow, amidst all this, Ellie forgot about the letter shed written to her dad. A reply never came. She decided that silence was as good as an answer. Dad didnt want herthat was that.
A small pang twisted in her stomach, but was soon smothered by the daily flurry with Alex.
Gran wouldnt let go of one topic: university. But Ellie shut her ears.
Oh Gran, you know theres no way! If I go, I have to move to London! Howd you cope with Alex here? No wayIm not discussing this!
Gran pressed on; Ellie grew frustrated. What, was she unemployable here in the village? Chloe and her husband had just opened a little shop and offered Ellie a place. The farm always needed hands too.
But Gran wouldnt budge.
Ellie! Dont you see? Your mum wasted her life the same wayyoure headed down the same path! I do this for you!
I get it, Gran, but thats enough. Some things are more important than a degree!
And in the thick of their latest squabble, he appearedthe one Ellie had never dared hope to meet.
She and Alex were coming back from Chloes one evening. Her brother, exhausted from tumbling about with the Evans twins, whined but plodded along. At the gate, he tugged her skirt.
Ellie! Carry me.
She scooped him up, stifling a smile at his bossy, endearing Carry me!
Pushing open the gate, she took two steps towards the porch and froze. There was a strange man on the veranda, fiddling with the old bulb that hadnt worked for as long as Ellie remembered.
There you go, you little blighter! the man, flushed with triumph as the bulb flickered to life, leapt off the battered stool.
It was only then he saw Ellie and Alex staring at him in utter confusion.
Love
Oliver took a step, then another, and before she could pull away, he swept both her and Alex into a fierce hug.
My girl
Ellie saw, to her astonishment, tears in the strangers eyes.
Forgive me, darling. I didnt know about you! Is this your lad? he nodded at Alex, who was eyeing the stranger with a mix of uncertainty and fascination. Can I hold him? Let me have a look, little man!
At last, Ellies brain caught up to events.
Hes not I mean, hes not my son! Dad, thats my well, Mums boy. My brother, Alex.
Oh, I see! said Oliver, pulling Alex close; the little lad didnt object but hugged him round the throat, cheek rubbing stubbly jaw.
Tickly!
No problem, mate! Ill have a shave. Come on, darling, lets get indoors. Your mosquitoes here are murderous. Im about half gone already!
Theres a river just there, Dad
I remember.
Gran met them with a look that spelled, Ground rules established, truce declared. No need for Ellie to sulk any longer.
Who cared about her parents squabbles before she was born? What mattered now was that the family was growing. And that, she thought, was a gift to be grateful for.
She watched Alex dart about at Olivers feet and knew: here was their familys man at last. And it felt good.
Later, shed discover that her letter hadnt been lost in the post at all, but had made its way to the right address. The woman living there tracked down old Oliver after quite the search, and when the battered envelope finally reached himmonths later, return voyage and allOliver dropped everything and came running.
As soon as I got your letter, love, I came straight over. Id thought I was all alone in the world! Id written your mum plenty, asked her to reconsider, begged for a family
And she?
She wrote just once. Said shed married and not to bother her again. So I didnt Oh, love, if only Id known how things really were! Id have swam back! Goodness, what have I done to deserve this happiness? Fancy coming to live with me? Ive got a flat in Portsmouthbig, plenty of light! You can see the sea from the window, the sunsets make you want to live forever.
Dad, I cant
Why not?
I wont budge without Alex and Gran. Not happening.
Who said anything about leaving them behind? Loads of space, love. Gran can look after Alex while youre at uni. Well sort it all.
And howll we live? We barely manage here. Alexs dad doesnt pay a penny. Not seen hide nor hair of him in over a yearhe dropped in once, stayed ten minutes, checked Alex was all right and vanished.
Trying to insult me? Oliver frowned, so like a scowling Alex that Ellie nearly laughed. What, dont you think I can provide for two ladies and a little fella? Pack your bags, missy! Grans on board alreadyshe was just waiting for your say-so. Did I get it?
You did, Dad. You did.
And Ellie hugged her father with all her might, grateful for the stubborn impulse that led her to write that letter. Soon, shed join him by the seaa sea that would never, ever be truly peaceful, no matter what the map said.
Ellies life would never be quiet as a graveyard, but shed know for certain that, no matter the storms, she had a safe harbourone where shed always be welcome, even if she never did master Grans cabbage pies.
And there would always be a wild-haired brother, bounding up to greet her in his nearly-deep voice:
Hey! Dad said you were coming! Ellie, I missed you!
I missed you too, little one More than youll ever knowEllie grinned, her heart thumping with a happiness so odd and new it almost hurt.
Of course Im here. Wouldnt miss it for the world, she said, dropping her rucksack in the hall. The air was salty, bright, and full of possibility. Alex latched onto her waist, their father calling out for tea, Gran bustling in with a plate of slice and a twinkle in her tired eyes.
Even in this unfamiliar house, with its creaking floors and luminous sunsets, it was more home than anywhere Ellie had known. The old wounds throbbed, but the ache eased in the golden bustle of family. Letters tucked in drawers, battered and ink-smudged, told the storyone of breakage and stubborn love, of finding the courage to reach for what youd almost given up on.
They ate together, laughter pinging off the kitchen tiles, Gran declaring that seaside air would fatten them all up in no time. When night fell, Ellie crept out onto the tiny balcony, salt spray on her lips, Alex asleep beside her, Gran snoring, and Oliver humming an old tune nearby.
The sea stretched dark and wild before them, full of secret coves and shifting tide. Ellie leaned against the rail, her smile reflected faintly in the pane of glass. Above, the sky flared with stars.
She closed her eyes, wrapped in warmth at lasta girl whod spent a lifetime waiting, now claimed and claimed in return. Whatever storms the future threw, she would face them, arms linked with the ones who had answered her letter at last. She breathed in deep, steady and glad.
She was home.
