The Blue Stocking
– Claire, could you cover for me tomorrow, please? My mother-in-laws birthday is coming up, and I need to go.
I thought you just celebrated her name day a month ago? I looked up at her from the file box, trying not to smirk.
Claire! What are you getting at? That was her name day, this is her birthday! And anyway, I really need the day off, you know? Its not as if you have children or a family to rush home to! Youre singleoh Sophie clapped a hand over her mouth, but the words had already hung unpleasantly in the air.
I turned away, nodded briskly, and left the reading room.
That was out of line Sophie shrugged and sent a sidelong glance at Amy.
Not someone youd want to mess with, thats for sure. Amy, our stalwart librarian, never fell for these games. Shed have cut Sophies request off in a heartbeat. She always said that even the most refined could stand up for themselves. I used to listen, uneasy, while Sophie just laughed herself silly.
See, Claire, youre what they call a blue stocking! Not all librarians are, just look at me or Amy. This is how you live life! You? You scuttle from the library to your flat, wear scarves and rescue catssuch an old maid! Sorry Im being so blunt, but someones got to shake some sense into you. Why are you like this? Youre a lovely woman, if someone took the time to noticerosy-cheeked and healthy! But always so sombre. Right Amy?
Usually, Amy would shush Sophie, telling her off for her life lessons.
Enough, Sophie! Since when are you the role model? Youve been through more flings than a deck of cards! And whats good about it? You live with your husband, Markhe either hits you or is out with someone else. And you want to teach others?
At least I have a husband! And children! What does Claire have? Another stray cat? Those felines will kick her out of her flat one day, and shell end up living in the library. Claire, why not just have a child for yourself? Your parents left you a little something, didnt they? You could bring up a child on your own, you wouldn’t be so alone.
That would be when Amys patience wore thin, Sophie would dash off with some excuse, and I would sneak into the quietest corner of the library to hide my tears.
How was this fair on me? Was it my fault that life hadnt worked out as expected? My parents had both been ill for yearsfirst my dad, then my mum. Fifteen years of looking after them, washing, cleaning, caring for their wounds What time was left for myself? Who would choose a life like that? Not that anyone really came along. When I looked at myself in the mirror, I saw nothing specialgrey eyes, decent features, thick braid Id cut when mum died, swapped for something practical. Ordinary Claire, an average woman, no bad habits, no wild ambitions, coasting through life.
I wasnt striving for more either. The stories from my friends families terrified me.
Take Sophie. Yes, shed married, but at what cost? The whole town knew about her husbands other family. Their public rows were legendary, everyone gossiped about them. Sophie didnt care. If people are going to talk, they may as well see it all openly, shed say. Nothing to be ashamed ofIm the only proper wife, and thats that.
I never understood her. Why spend your life like that? Wheres the self-respect, the pride? Then again, storybook heroines and real life rarely meet. You need pride when youre well-off, with a couple of villas, not when youre a librarian barely making ends meet with a sick mum and two children. I didnt judge Sophie; I tried to understand her. Sometimes, she annoyed me less than before. If she wanted to lecture others when her life was in shambles, let her. When it came to serious matters, Sophie always pitched in. Thanks to nursing her own mother, she was skilled with injections and drips. When I couldnt find a nurse for my mum, Sophie showed up and sorted everything, never asking for anything in return.
Trying to insult me? shed snort if I pressed money into her hand during another injection. Put it away! What am I, thick? Claire, youre odd, honestly! Its nothing. Good thing we live in the same blockyou just knock at my door and Im there. And youre shoving cash at me? Shame on you!
And shame was exactly what I felt. All I could do was apologise and make it up in small ways. Sophies children, even Sophie herself, wandered about in scarves and hats Id knitted. Gloves with bright little birds on them tooher little girl would only wear them for special occasions for fear of misplacing them.
Theyre so pretty! Id be gutted if I lost them!
Sophie, admiring her daughters little gift, suddenly suggested: You should start an online shop, people would queue for your work!
I mulled it over for a while and then dismissed the idea.
I cant knit that many. Everything I do is one-of-a-kind.
Then get our grannies involved! Theres a whole bunch under the archwaylet them have a go. Extra money for them, and youll have help.
Strange as it sounds, we gave it a try and the venture took off. Sophie must have had a knack for business, even if shed wasted it fighting for her own family happiness. Our website worked, orders trickled innever much, but enough to lighten my load, and the elderly neighbours were glad of the extra cash. So now, every evening, the gang would sit on the bench under our block, knitting needles ticking away, while Sophie and I talked over future masterpieces.
See this? Fresh from London Fashion Week. Mrs Green showed me a similar pattern last week! Just tweak it a little! Sophie enthused over a design, and I would set to work. Two weeks later, Sophie would be swishing through the streets in a new skirt, and thered be a new listing on our website.
The profits were modest, but it made me feel like a bit of a businesswoman. Maybe I wasnt so useless after all.
Amy, watching our little escapades, would chuckle but help when it suited her. She was gifted at needle lace, learned from her grandmother, but barely found a spare moment for it.
My nan always said, Thisll serve you well one day. She was right.
Amys work became our priciest offering. And Sophie never complained when Amy stitched away by the window in the reading room, neglecting her usual duties. We all knew what this meant to her.
Amys husband left right after the twins were born. Artistic type, she said. Always searching for himself and never finding what he wanted, even when Amy had done everything to make it possible. Her husband didnt work, dabbled in painting, and would disappear for days, claiming he had to cultivate fans for his talentleaving Amy, and before the twins, only her eldest daughter, who called her dad that man.
Mum, that man Paul is here again.
Those comments from his own daughter would send Paul into a rage.
You embarrass me in front of her! She should understand what I do for her!
At first, remembering her mothers advice on the value of a father, Amy kept her peace. But eventually, she spoke up.
What exactly do you do for her?
Maybe it was the double pregnancy, maybe shed just had enough, but Paul vanished as soon as he found out his sons were bornright on time, loud and healthy.
Amy didnt waste tears on him. She had her job, her parents in the countryside, who helped her as much as the bountiful English earth would allow. Even in their older years, they ran a big smallholding, so Amys every holiday was spent at their place, working. Thats just how it wasthe kids needed raising.
Her kids were lovely, I thought, watching them. If I was sure my children would turn out so well, maybe Id have followed Sophies advice and had one of my own.
Still, I was scared of the thought. What if something happened to meno relations left, friends with their own troubles? What then? Would my child end up in care, just because their mother was lonely? No, it was better sticking to cats and scarves. I couldnt abandon responsibility.
Of course, I had no idea that all the gang and Sophie were conducting a quiet search for a man for me. It was pure fantasyawfully few men in our little town. They considered every option, but the right one hadnt turned up, so they kept quiet. Only sometimes did Sophie let slip a word or two and then berated herself later for her big mouth.
But the right man did turn up, and in the strangest of ways. None of us, not even the gang or myself, could have planned it.
Another of Sophies pleading sessions ended with me, tears dried, agreeing to work her shift the next day. I figured I could tackle most of it tonight, leaving enough time in the morning to put new items on the site. Our showpiece was a lace wedding dress Amy had designed, stitched, and embroidered to perfection.
Wedding dressstunning, Amy! Youre a marvel!
Tell that to my boysthey almost destroyed it yesterday! Popped out and when I returned, they were at the hem with scissors. Must have done a neat job, I barely saw where theyd snipped. Had to redo the whole section.
Noticeable?
No, I replaced the whole motif. Spent all night, but youd never know now.
Thats what I was planning to add to the catalogue, puzzling the best way to describe such beauty, as I left for home. I turned the phrases over in my mind, trudging up the stairs, when I paused, ears pricked.
Help
The voice was faint, almost drowned out in the evening bustle of our communal block. The kids were tearing up and down, music blaring, neighbours bickering. I caught the tail end of the cry.
Help
This was real.
I knew our old buildings every resident, especially the pensioners without family. Theyd helped me with my parents and some were part of our gang. Some just smiled when we met and wished me a better, fuller life.
Mrs Baker was among them.
Shed been friends with my mother, taught maths at the local school. She always gave the same answer when I enquired after her health.
Health! Oh, never mind that, Claire. Long gone! Tell me, how are you, love?
Funny, but with Mrs Baker, I didnt mind opening up a bit. She always had solid, quiet advice.
Claire, live as you want. Dont listen to them. They’ve got their lives, youve got yours. Who says you should fit someone elses model? Try on their coat. Does it fit? No? Exactly! People cram us into their moulds. Is that what you want? Get married because its expected. Have a child because someone said so. Will that make you happy? Not in my experience. I’ve seen too many children with parents who live out of obligation No love or care, just whats proper. Nothing good comes of it. The only ones who suffer are the children.
I found comfort in her wordsmaybe I wasnt so odd after all.
Mrs Baker herself had nearly fifty years of marriage behind herthey moved around half the UK before settling in our town. She and her husband never had children; her students were her children, and many never forgot her.
Shed lost her husband only a few years before and took it hard. I worried for her, so I brought her a kitten Id found.
Hes all alone, Mrs Baker. What do you say?
She took him in, and Im sure Boris, as she called him, kept her with us a bit longer. Boris required fresh fish every morningenough reason to get out of bed and head to the market.
So they lived together, cat and old lady, perfectly happy. Mrs Baker rarely asked for help, preferring her independence.
But it was her flat where the weak help now echoed.
I didnt hesitate. I dashed down the stairs, knocked furiously on the door of our residents association chair, Mrs Chapman.
Mrs Chapman! Help! Its an emergency!
Unlike me, Mrs Chapman valued privacy and rules. But when the emergency services failed to show, she lost patience.
Let them arrest me if they wantsomeones in trouble!
She already had the spare keys for Mrs Baker (and just about everyone else elderly in the building).
Just in case
The door opened and we rushed in. The scene shocked us. Mrs Baker had fallen in the bath, knocked her head, and couldnt moveher leg twisted, arms numb. Theres no way to say how long shed been there. Only voice, and hope the thin walls, might get her help.
I was the only one who heard.
I did what needed to be done, and when Mrs Baker finally left hospital, I took her in. Id plenty of experience caring for someone, after all. Sophie gave me a ticking off for being selflessbut rang the GP, sorted medication, and turned up with drips and injections.
Well have you upright in no time, Mrs Baker! Youre not allowed to ill, didnt you know?
At first, Mrs Baker protested at getting in the way, but soon realised I wasnt doing it from duty, just from the heart.
People like you, Claire, theyre few and far between! Where are the angels looking, eh?
Mrs Baker got slowly better. Life became liveliercoming home to someone, listening to her day, separating warring cats (Boris, deciding now to direct my two rescued girls, ruling the flat with an iron paw). When the scuffles ended, hed curl up beside me, completely at peace.
Don’t sulk, Boris. Times changeharems are out of fashion.
Hed settle downsafe at home.
It was as if life, tired of its grey routine, had decided to throw me a merry dance. Before I knew it, everything Id expected was irrelevant, and my plans made way for new ones.
It all began with an unexpected knock one evening.
Sophie, is that you? I wondered aloud, pausing the film Mrs Baker and I were watching and opening the door.
On the doorstep stood a strangera bearded, moody man, clearly unimpressed with the world. In a leather waistcoat, battered jeansnothing like the men I knew here.
Can I help you?
Eveningdoes Mrs Baker live here now?
Why do you need her?
Im here to visit. Old friend.
I hesitated, trying to decide what to do, when a streak of black shot from inside, and Boris wound around the mans legs.
Boris! Alright, mate! The strangers whole face changedsofter, smiling, scooping up Boris in both hands. I threw the door wide.
Come on in!
Mrs Baker gasped, beamed, and flung her arms wide.
Sam! Oh goodness me! What brings you here?
On my way to the Thames, meeting some pals for a motorbike rally. Thought Id call in. Havent heard from you in ages, Mrs B.
Sorry, darling, things got a little fraught. Here, meet Claire, my guardian angel and quite the womantrust me on that!
And the most surprising thingSam blushed, eyes down.
Lovely to meet you
Mrs Baker, knowing her former pupil well, saw right away what was happening. So she found reason after reason to keep Sam aroundfavours, odd jobs, anything just to give us time together.
Sam left only two days laterbut not for long. Weeks passed, he returned, and suddenly I found myself about to become a bride.
Sam, we hardly know each otheris this wise? I stared at this man I was about to marry, struggling to believe it was me.
Who cares, Claire? We’re both adults, we dont owe anyone an explanation.
Sophie and Amy, when I told them, both gasped, but for once, said nothing.
Claire, youwell, I wont ask if you love him. Were not teenagers. Is he a good man, you think?
What do you mean, what age am I? I grinned, and even Sophie went silent, studying me.
Where did this come from? Yesterday I was a drab library mouse; todaya queen! Theres what love can do for a person.
Oh, ignore my blather, Claire. Forgive me! Just be happy, will you? Amy, we need to take that dress off the site!
I already did, Amy winked. So you havent got to worry about your wedding gown!
The wedding was the talk of the townno one had seen anything quite like it. A proper motorbike convoy, gleaming through the high street, people craning their necks.
Whos that for?
Clairethe librarians getting married!
Really? About timelovely woman. Whats he like?
Seems alrightserious sort
Three years on, its Sam holding Mrs Bakers arm as she briskly shoos him away, stepping out of the car herself:
Im fine, Sam! Go and find your son!
I smooth down my new dress, Amys handiwork, touch up my hair, and signal the photographer.
Everyone! I want everyone in this photo!
And he has his work cut out for him, lining up on the hospital steps all the people I want in my babys very first family photoSophie and her crowd, Amy and her clan, Mrs Chapman, the gangthe works.
Because, in this world, theres no such thing as too many good people.
Today, as I close another chapter in my diary, Ive learned something I want to remember: Life rarely goes as we planbut kindness, friendship, and offering a home to the lonely-hearted, four-legged and two, are never wasted in England or anywhere. And if you keep your heart open, perhaps, one day, youll find yourself right where youre meant to be.
