Exam
Thats enough! Ive had it! If you dont stop getting on my case, I just wont bother with any of it! I wont go to the exam, I just wont turn up! How about that? What will you do then, eh? Sophie hurled her rucksack into the corner of the hallway, yanked off her bobble hat, and glared at her mum.
Her mum didnt say a word, just shook her head and headed back into the kitchen.
Sophie dumped her coat on the floor, ready to lob it at the bag, but changed her mind last second. She opened the cupboard, hung it up properly, and let out a great sigh.
Oh, for crying out loud! Another argument, and, like always, about nothing!
Why did her mum always have to badger her with all these questions, with the constant advice, like she was some clueless little kid?
Honestly, Sophie remembered perfectly well that she had her new English tutor that evening. There was absolutely no need to keep reminding her every half an hour!
Fine, maybe she was being dramatic. Her mum hadnt exactly been nagging, just asked if she remembered about meeting her third tutor of the year for English and Literature. But Sophie found it so annoying, this constant need for her mum to supervise her life she now snapped at the smallest thing, even when she knew it wasnt really fair.
Sophie washed her hands and stared into the mirror above the sink.
Real beauty queen, eh? Spots everywhere, her dads button nose, and her mums wild ginger hair. Shed begged to let her dye it, but her mum always said no, claiming real beauty is something you work on, and one day Sophie would thank her for it.
Oh, sure! Everyone else is normal, and I look like some scarecrow! Plaits who on earth wears plaits anymore?!
She couldnt help but smirk at the memory of her mums face when she hacked off those hated plaits with the bluntest scissors she could find from the old school art kit. It took forever, sawing through with teeth gritted, but Sophie had been gleeful at her mums shock:
Sophie, why did you do that?!
Why? Because Ive had enough! Im sick of being told what to do! Its my life, my rules, and Ill do as I please!
Everyone keeps banging on about respect and listening to adults, but whats the point? Their ideas about how life works are ancient! How could they possibly understand what its like now? They didnt even have the internet at her age! How did they even survive? You cant explain no one gets that things have changed. Who needs hours buried in books? You can just tap something into your phone and instantly get anything you want. Her mum always said theres more to life than Google and you cant learn how to be human from a screen but what did she know? Maybe she needed a crash course on how to deal with teenagers.
Sophie picked at a scab and winced, glad her mum didnt see. Shed have a right wobbly. Dragging her to doctors about her skin, always moaning shed have scars for life, but Sophie didnt care people should value her for who she was inside, not her looks! How do you even explain that to your mum?
Parent. Theres a word. Yes, her mum had given birth to her but that didnt mean she owned her! Sophie was not a thing, and her mum had no right to treat her like one.
Sophie winked at her reflection.
Whats the matter, mum? Didnt expect your darling Sophie to rebel? Serves you right for chasing me around after tutors and pushing the lawyer thing on me! She already knew more about the law than either of her parents ever had. If they were half as sharp, they might have managed their own divorce a bit better.
Her mum seemed to have no pride or ambition. Her dad left, ran off with a younger woman, split the assets as he pleased, and her mum just went along with it. Sure, the flat left by grandma was put in Sophies name, but that was only fair! And what about her mum? Child support thats all? What about some sort of payback for all those wasted years? Sophie knew perfectly well how her parents had really lived for the last five years. She wasnt Little Miss Muffet anymore like her dad used to call her. Shed seen it all.
The silent hate in her mums eyes as she put dinner on the table. Dads dry, empty thanks for the meal. The sofa in the box-sized study because there was no room for a proper wardrobe so hed come into the bedroom each morning for his stuff. Her mum set an alarm to make sure she wouldnt be caught asleep in there. The relief when Sophie finally turned fourteen and told them enough was enough just split already and stop driving each other mad.
Honestly, grownups were so strange! All that: We live for you! and Youre the centre of our world.
Lies, every word! In the end, everyone looks out for themselves. Anyone who says differently, Sophie could give them a list of examples even supposedly acting in her best interests, her parents were just using her as a bargaining chip.
Take the flat: same building, but smaller now, just two bedrooms. Yes, it was nicely done up, but her mum only haggled for it to ease her dads guilt about Sophie. If youre going off to start a new life, make sure your daughter is cared for. Her dad fell for it, did just what was asked. And sure, Sophies room was bigger here, but that wasnt down to anyone caring it was just that her parents needed the flat split, and Sophie became the buffer keeping them from more fighting.
Sophie grimaced and finally grabbed a jar of spot cream from the shelf. It didnt mean her mum was right about anything it just worked, that was all. Dried things up quickly, and thats what she needed today.
Because tonight the roof
The roof had only become part of Sophies world a few months ago. Max the Max shed hardly dared to speak to, the most popular boy in school messaged her: Fancy a walk?
At first, she thought it had to be a cruel prank, since everyone knew she liked him. The class teased her now and then, but in truth, people liked her. She never caused trouble, never minded sharing answers, and would rescue the class by answering a tricky question when she knew others werent ready.
Miss Sullivan, I already called on you last lesson! Why are you waving your hand around?
Oh, Miss Green, its just, the topics so interesting! Was King Charles I really a tyrant? Would his reign be classed as authoritarian?
And the history teacher, whom everyone usually feared, would take the bait and everyone else could relax no quiz that day!
So, when Sophie showed her frenemy Pippa the message, Pippa just snorted:
And? Why are you in a flap?
Are you sure its really from him?
Oh, Soph, honestly! Just go ask him! Stop acting like some Victorian heroine. Girls these days ask lads out for coffee, and youre scared to check a message?
Sophie didnt reply how could she explain the way her heart thudded after seeing Maxs message?
She went to meet him. And thats when everything changed.
The roof of that rundown block had become a hangout for teenagers, hardly the safest place in the world but every time Max took her hand and warned, Careful, watch your step, Sophie felt dizzy, counting the stairs as she followed him up.
Counting, listening to that proud voice inside:
Fifteen, sixteen keep going! Thirty-two, thirty-three what are you scared of? Hes right there
It was on that roof that Max hugged her for the first time, in front of everyone, just casually draped his arm around her shoulders, as if to tell the world, Shes my girlfriend now.
No one protested, even though Sophie caught a few frosty stares from the girls in the year above. Max had known them since Year 1, but chose her over any of them.
And then, still on the roof, he kissed her for the first time
That night, they were the only ones left up there. The others had gone to the cinema, and though Sophie wanted to see the film, when Max whispered theyd go another night, just the two of them, she stayed put already knowing this would be special.
And it was. She still sometimes froze, even in the middle of the most boring lesson, closed her eyes, and replayed Maxs quiet words in her mind.
Soph, I really like you a lot. Im no good at this, but youre the best girl Ive ever met. Can I?
And the way he kissed her, so gentle and careful
Sophie squeezed her eyes shut, trying to catch that happy feeling again, but then her mother tapped at the door:
Love, youll be late… Lunch is on the table
Anger swept over Sophie. Enoughs enough!
She stormed out of the bathroom, a real whirlwind, face thunderous reminded her of some meme shed seen of a harpy hissing at someone off camera.
What do you want from me? I remember! Stop hassling me! You annoyed Dad until he left now youre after me? Ill move in with him! Did you hear me?
She didnt finish. Her mum sighed a weird sort of sigh and slapped her.
Off you go, then! When you get back tonight, dont forget youve got that trial English exam tomorrow. Get some sleep
Sophie was stunned. Her mum had never hit her before, not once, in all her life. Not that she even felt particularly hurt she had been asking for it. But the fact her mum was finally standing up for herself it was a shock.
Of course, giving in quietly wasnt Sophies style. Bag, coat, headphones She longed to slam the door hard enough to shake the letterbox, but just about managed to hold back no need to prove she was a total melodramatic case.
Sophie dashed out the door, checking the time. Right, an hour there and back, an hour with the tutor which meant shed be free about six to meet Max. Perfect. They could hang out on the roof, let her mum cool off a bit and worry. Might do her good. Her dad never answered her mums calls first time these days so Sophie reckoned shed have time to talk to Max. Maybe hed have some ideas. Maxs parents never bothered him, really. He basically lived his own life: his own card with a monthly limit, the best trainers, but no checking up on him. His mum was always busy, and his dad reckoned sixteen was the age to start making your own decisions. Let Max get a part time job, take responsibility for his own revision. Said he needed to choose his path on his own.
Imagine having parents like that!
Not like her mum
Her dad called just as she was walking up to the tutors house.
Whats up with you two? Your mum says youre moving in here?
Oh, Dad! Dont listen to her. Why would I want your problems? Your Kate is about to give birth, am I supposed to babysit the little one? Ive got my own life, thanks!
Right. No more rows with your mum, or Ill sort your bank account out, understood?
Thats what I love about you, Dad, straight to the point. Got it!
Good girl. And give your mum a break. She doesnt deserve all this.
The line went dead, and Sophie scowled.
They were always like this at loggerheads with each other, but team up instantly whenever anything involves her. It was just weird, the whole thing.
The new tutor didnt impress Sophie much. When she started giving her thoughts on idioms, he just snorted and handed over a book, telling her to read the highlighted chapters for next time. She grumbled at first, but after a couple of his examples, figured she might as well give it a go.
She definitely didnt want to look clueless especially next to Max. He was clever, and she wanted to match up. Shed watched so many videos about relationships, and they all said the same: A girl must be smart and independent! Independence would come, but being smart well, that could be worked at, as her mum kept saying. And, to be fair, her mum had managed to finish her own degree against the odds, while Sophie was still small and ill all the time.
Her mum had dropped out of uni when she had Sophie, going on leave at first but then just giving up to look after her sickly daughter no grandparents to help out either. She only got back to her studies when Sophie was in Year 2 at school, going for the part-time option, while working and getting a small events firm started.
And that had been the right choice otherwise shed be stuck scraping for pennies and hating the world. Now, at least, she owned a proper business, decorating venues for weddings and parties. Sophie thought her mums work was gorgeous, and downright glam sometimes. It was at work, especially, that her mum seemed almost like a different person: confident, in charge. Sophie admired her then, wished she could have that same poise.
Still, all this motherly control was maddening. For once, Sophie agreed with her dad: it was wearing thin. Of course, shed taught her mum to always knock before entering her room and didnt let much interference, but somehow, her mum still managed to keep tabs on everything not by threatening, but with her soft, patient:
Hows your day been? Whats on the plan for tonight? Hungry, sweet?
That caring just got under Sophies skin so much she sometimes wanted to scream:
Leave me alone! Im a grown woman!
And sometimes, she really did scream, stomped her feet, raged her mum still treating it like a childs tantrum.
After tutoring, Sophie hurried to meet Max, longing for the comfort of his arms just a couple of hours to forget about parents, exams, the works. Life was passing by, and all anyone wanted to do was nag.
When she reached the school gates where she usually met Max, he wasnt there. She hung around, got bored, then headed straight for the roof herself. Max wasnt answering his phone, which was definitely off hed never done that before, and Sophie started to worry.
Climbing up those stairs without Maxs reassuring hand was terrifying. Shed always rushed up, feeling safe with him beside her now, every step felt like a struggle.
The roof greeted her with chilly gusts of this not-quite-spring wind, and emptiness.
No one was there. She pulled out her phone, fumbling for the torch app as it was getting dark, but as she struggled with the zipper on her jacket pocket, she saw movement near the edge and froze, breath caught. But then she realised who it was.
Max
He was sat right on the edge, feet dangling above the drop, hunched over. Sophie didn’t know him all that well yet, but suddenly she just knew something huge, something awful had happened, and he was lost. That posture, so unlike the always-on-top Max, sent chills down her spine.
The fear that something might go terribly wrong, here and now, gave Sophie a jolt and made her act. She put her rucksack quietly down and walked onto the roof.
Hey
She sat on the parapet, just behind him not daring to perch on the edge like he did. Her feet stayed firmly on the roof, eyes pointed anywhere but down. Shed always been scared of heights had no idea why shed ever followed Max up here at all.
Hey Max didnt even turn his head, so Sophie reached out and squeezed his icy cold fingers.
You’re freezing
Huh? He finally lifted his gaze to hers. Maxs eyes, normally so lively, looked hollow and lost it was frightening and heartbreaking all at once.
Maybe in that moment, Sophie understood a bit of what her mum felt during their rows. That naked, desperate fear that you just cant get through to someone you really love.
That fear the same as she felt now, with Maxs limp hand in hers.
Are you ok?
She even sounded like her mum. The same tone, the same plea:
Tell me! Please! Whats wrong? I dont want to hurt you!
And that did the trick.
No Max answered faintly, finally squeezing her fingers back I’m really not okay, Soph
Something bads happened, hasnt it?
It wasnt a question, it was a statement. And that worked too.
Yeah.
Will you tell me what? I get it, were not super close, butIm here if you want to share.
He lifted his head and looked at her in a way that made her shiver.
You think were not close?
No. Thats not it! I meant, you mean a lot to me, but I just dont know if you feel the same.
Soph, dont say that. I’ve got no one in this world but you.
Her heart skipped and hammered so hard she was sure Max must hear it pounding away.
What do you mean, no one? Your parents? she regretted it as soon as she said it, so caught up in what he’d just admitted.
He flinched and shook his head with such force Sophie gasped.
Careful!
Yeah, hold on to me, or even shove me! Just like they did!
Who?
The people I called parents! Im nothing to them, do you get it? Nothing! My mum gave me my papers today and told me how I came to be in their family. Soph Im adopted! You get it? Adopted! I always kind of knew, but today I realised my whole life, Ive been living someone elses story! I took someone elses place, Soph! Not mine someone else’s!
He sobbed, voice cracking, and Sophie gripped his hand tighter, terrified to let go for even a second she wasnt sure she could stop him if he tried to do anything stupid.
She didnt doubt that hed come here intending to jump. He might pretend, put on a show but shed seen through all that bravado. When they were alone, she saw the softer, gentle side of him. She wanted to reach out for that light, and suddenly she felt deeply ashamed of herself all her snappiness, all her rage towards her own parents, for what? What injustice?
Sophie couldn’t even have said what her own grudge was, if someone asked. Only now, with this in front of her, did it dawn: all her fighting for independence was pointless, and shed always had the support Max lacked, whatever else had gone on between her parents.
Max, Im scared! Sophie was crying without realising it, but it snapped Max back for a second.
Hey! Whats wrong? He reached for her, and she clung to him desperately.
Please! Dont do anything stupid! Maybe theyve turned their backs, but I never will, I promise! Theres no one more important to me, Max!
Im not Max His voice was flat, almost strange, and Sophie wiped her eyes, trying to see his face through the blur. I used to have a different name.
What?
Alex. And a different surname too.
That doesnt matter! Why should it? You could be the Pope for all I care! Youre still you and I know who you are, thats all that matters!
Yeah but not everyone will agree Soph, what am I meant to do now? Where do I go?
You cant go home? Did they kick you out?
No, Mum was crying, begging me to stay. Dad well, I hit him
Why?
He tried to lock the door and stop me leaving, kept shouting I didnt understand
And you? Did you understand? Truly? Are you sure?
What are you on about? Whats there to understand? Maxs voice shook, tight with pain.
Why did they pick today to tell you?
There, the question was out. The wind tugged at her words, and Max shrank in on himself, trying to process what she meant.
I dunno he whispered, and Sophie let out her breath.
The hopelessness was gone from his voice now. He had questions. She knew then that until he had answers, hed stay away from the edge.
Do you want me to come with you?
Where?
To your parents Max, well go together and theyll tell you why they chose to tell you now. Then, if you still want, we can come back here and, well, I wont stop you.
Max stared at her in surprise, but she held his gaze. Then she gently tugged him away from the edge.
Come on!
Max swung his legs onto the roof, let her lead him away, step by step, further from the edge, closer to the living.
Im pathetic
Nonsense! Sophie snorted, dragging him towards the stairs. Id go off my rocker if my parents Anyone would!
She stumbled, and Max caught her, steadying her.
Careful!
Oh, says the one she squeezed his hand and switched the phone torch back on. Come on, weve got things to do.
That evening would be stamped in their memory forever.
The conversation with Maxs parents awkward, heavy, but honest.
Reconciliation came eventually, once Max learned his birth dad was about to be released from prison and wanted to talk to him about the past.
And the tears from the woman whod chosen to become his mother, taking in a tiny toddler when her best friend Maxs birth mother had lost her life in terrible, senseless circumstances.
My mum my real mum
Yes, Max. It was your father
And now he wants
He wants to meet you.
I dont want to!
We understand. Thats why we told you now. We thought you should hear it from us, not him. Sorry we had to do it this way we hoped wed have a couple of years more. But, hes being released early.
I dont want to see him.
Thats your right. Well support whatever you choose.
On and on they talked, and Sophie realised thered be no more meeting on the roof not tonight, not ever. Everything had shifted, the old ways left behind for something new.
Late, bordering on midnight, Sophie finally made her way home, let herself in, and without even taking off her coat tiptoed to the kitchen, where her mum stood silent by the dark window, waiting.
Sophie crept up and hugged her, her nose buried in the warm, familiar curls at the back of her mums neck, breathing in the scent of her favourite perfume. And at last, the word that set everything right, bringing hope and clearing away the rubbish:
Sorry
And her mums voice, echoing back the love, always caring, always worried:
Me too Are you hungry?
No, Mum, thanks. You know I think I passed a really important test tonight.
What sort of test? Your exams arent for ages yet.
The really big one, Mum. Ill tell you about it sometime.
Why not now?
Because Ive got my practice paper in the morning and I really need some sleepSophie leaned against her mum, still holding on tight. For a moment, she just listened to the quiet hum of the fridge, the faint sounds from the street below, and the steady beat of her mums heart.
Maybe I just want to be here for a bit, Sophie murmured.
Her mums hands traced small circles across her back, soothing and gentle.
You can stay as long as you like.
A pause, comfortable, unhurried.
Sophie breathed out, all the fight gone from her body.
Mum, do you think people ever really understand each other? Like, really, properly?
Sometimes, love. But most of the time, we just try. And thats what matters.
Sophie smiled, the ache in her chest finally loosening.
I think I want to try more. With you.
Her mum squeezed her, soft and fierce at once.
Me too, sweetheart.
Outside, the citys lights blinked gently, and somewhere far away a siren called. But in this kitchen, the world felt warm and safe. Sophie closed her eyes, knowing everything wasnt perfect, and maybe never would bebut for the first time in ages, she was glad to be here, exactly where she was.
Tomorrow thered be exams and mess and a thousand new arguments, but tonight was just her and her mum, finding their way backquiet, tangled, but together.
And that, Sophie realised, was enough to keep her standing on solid ground.
