That morning, my wife told me we were expecting our fourth child. She added, quite seriously,
Theres no money for buying a house, so well have to get a council flat. Youve never been one to chase things up, so each year Ill bring another child into the world. If we cant score points for fatherhood, well get our due by sheer numbers!
Later, I wandered anxiously into the office at the University with Deans Office written across the door. Inside, the room was packedDean Oldham and his deputy, Mr. Caldwell, were holding a staff meeting.
Our reputations on the line, you must realise, Oldham was saying gravely. This year, we need to outshine all the other colleges in every athletic competition. Just then, he spotted me. Ah, heres our bright hope!
I grew embarrassed. Im not much of a hope Ive just come about the flat
The new flats are being finished next week! Caldwell announced grandly. Youre top of the list. Just a hop, and youll be moving in straightaway.
A hop? I asked, grinning with relief.
With a parachute. Tomorrowtheres a competition.
My smile withered. Jump from where?
From the sky, naturally.
Andwhy, may I ask?
Oldham looked at me as if Id missed the obvious. Dont you keep up with telly these days? All sorts do it nowactors skate, singers take to the circus rings Now the latest thing is professors setting records. Yesterday, Professor Collins took a turn in the boxing ringhe nodded at Collins, who sat on the sofa looking a state, his nose swollen and several plasters on his faceand Dr. Bell took up wrestling on Saturday. Hes having a lie-down now in intensive care. Now its your turn. The last of the events left was the parachute jump. Thats yours.
At the word yours, my knees gave way.
When am I to jump? I managed.
Tomorrow. On Birdwatchers Day, Caldwell declared.
I turned desperately to the Dean. But why must I do it, for the birds sake?
Oldham placed a reassuring hand on my shoulder. Youll get your council flat as a large family, dont worry. But you see, there are ones with balconies and those without Some face the park, others look over the cement works When we play favourites, we reckon in community spirit and campus involvement.
A pause fell. I chewed a heart pill and asked, And if I dont quite reach the ground or miss altogether Will my family still get one with a park view?
Caldwell beamed in all friendliness. You know our policywidows and orphans move right up the list! And youll not be alone; youve got an experienced partner! He indicated a pallid young chap in spectacles lurking in the corner.
Hes a doctoral student, Caldwell explained, and due for redundancy anyway.
Since boyhood, Id been petrified of heights; my head spun even atop a dining chair. So, that evening at home, I practised my jump repeatedly from the sofa onto the carpet.
The next day, the soon-to-be-dismissed doctoral student and I were bundled into a black, elongated minibuslike a hearse. Oldham followed in a car, and behind him, a tram was filled with thirty staffall there for moral support: readers, lecturers, and professors.
At the airfield, Caldwell greeted ushed arranged for a brass band, which struck up a doleful farewell march. The band, being a funeral one, played so movingly even the pilot welled up. Three of the musicians joined us in the plane, to play something lively as we tumbled from the sky.
The instructor, a gentle, soft-spoken man, looked on us with pity and sorrow. Glancing at my waistline, he ordered a second parachute for me. I was fitted with another packif the doctoral lad looked like a single-humped camel, I now resembled a dromedary.
In the air, the instructor reviewed all the ways a parachute might fail to open, then kissed each of us three times for luck. Lifting the hatch, he glanced apologetically at me and whispered, Its time.
I silently handed him an envelope. Pass it to my wife. If we have a son, let her name him after me.
The instructor tried to reassure me, After the first minute, fear vanishes. By then youll feel nothing at all.
Up you go, kamikaze! called the pilot cheerfully.
The band struck up Rule, Britannia! I shut my eyes and leapt. When I opened them, I was still half in the plane, with legs dangling into nothingthe hatch had jammed me tight. The instructor and doctoral student rammed at my head, trying to force me through, but I wedged fast.
Needs a bit of soap! suggested the student.
The instructor grew flustered. Clear the hatch! Youre clogging the competition!
How do I get free? I yelled back.
Breathe out! came the cry.
With a mournful Oo-oo-oo!, I deflated my lungs and pitched suddenly into empty air. I yanked the ripcord while still inside; the parachute snared itself on the undercarriage and I swung beneath the plane.
The pilot began all manner of maneuvers, but I clung on.
Stop mucking about! the instructor shouted. Let go of the aircraftthis instant!
But let it go, I did not.
The instructor half-hung from the hatch, trying to unhook me by the shoulders, with the doctoral student clutching his legs inside. The instructor was nearly at my harness when the plane joltedand suddenly the instructor was outside, along with the doctoral student, tangled together and clutching desperately at each other. Miraculously, the instructor managed to seize me by my jacket on the way down, while the student clung to the instructors ankles.
We now resembled a travelling troupe of acrobats dangling from a chandelier.
The musicians struck up Those Magnificent Men in their Flying Machines.
The instructor howled that the doctoral lad was throttling his arteries and his legs were sure to rot! I offered my own ankles for a change, but the lad preferred the instructors skinny shanks for grip.
Clearly, the plane could not land with our strange appendage of three bodies. The pilot circled and dipped repeatedly, hoping wed drop safely onto the grass below. Wed have to detach in order, starting with the doctoral student. The plane swooped so low that the student scraped his shoes on the grass, but he would not let go even then; back up we soared, clinging still.
The instructor cursed his luck and wished his legs would fall off along with the student.
Meanwhile, the band played Up, Up and Away!
Fuel ran low at last. Someone poked a pole with a loop through the hatch, snared the student by the legs, and reeled us back in one by one: student, then instructor, then me. I got halfway inthen stuck again, with my head in the plane and my feet in the air. But by then, fear had deserted methe plane was coming in to land. I merely had to run half a mile down the airstrip, half carried by the plane.
No one perished, and all were jubilant.
The band played a jolliest funeral march.
Only the instructor couldnt standthe student was still gripping his legs so tightly they needed pliers to pry his fingers loose. When finally released, the instructor tried to stand, and everyone saw his trousers had shrunk above the anklesturns out, it was his legs that had stretched so much from all the hanging, he now looked like an ostrich.
Same again tomorrow! Caldwell announced cheerfully.
At this, the instructor blanched as white as my unopened parachute, and on his newly-elongated legs, he hopped to the telephonewho he rang, and what he said, nobody knows. But I was given victory, for that competition, and for the next, and indeed for every contest that next decade. They even credited my running speed as a world record: after all, Id run at the pace of the plane. Since only my legs did the running while my upper half was airborne, the result was split in two. Even so, that, too, was some sort of record!
