Not Quite Julia
Julia! Again?! Honestly, youre not a child, youre a walking disaster! How do these things keep happening?!
Mum, I dont know. It just sort of happened.
Her mother tugged off Julias muddied coat, squelching boots and a hat that had somehow lost its bobble.
Other peoples children behave themselves, dont they. But mine Julia! How many times must we go through this?
Julia examined the torn hem of her dress and let out a sigh.
And yet, it had been so much fun! Their train was splendid! If only Alex had tugged less insistently at her skirtwell, then itd still be in one piece. But Mrs Catherine Foster had said she wasnt paid to mend anyones dress, so Julias mum would have to do it herself. Fair enough! But it meant Julia sat on a stool in the corner from tea break through till evening. She couldnt very well display her undergarments before the lads, could she? That would be improper! As her gran always told her and her gran knew a thing or two.
For instance, gran knew Julia was simply that sort. Mum had her doubts, but gran said it as if it were nothing out of the ordinary.
Stop pecking at the child, will you? What a curious habit youve got, honestly.
Mum, you raised me the same way! Why now say its wrong? If I dont bring Julia up right, what will she become?
Shell grow into a fine woman, bright and beautiful just like you. Isnt that enough?
Oh, do spare me your nonsense! Ive no time for it! Julia! Go and change, at once!
With a deep breath of relief, Julia darted into her room, leaving her two favourite people to carry on their bickering without her. Truth be told, Julia suspected they hardly needed her she was just the excuse.
Julia had once asked her gran what an excuse was, and gran had only chuckled:
Quarrelling for the sake of it is dull, dear. But quarreling with a purpose! That, now, is something.
And Im your and Mums purpose?
The most important, petal! Theres only you! We worry about what you’ll become. Only, each of us worries in her own way. Your mums strict, certain that its absolutely necessary. Me well, I used up all my strictness on your mother and there was naught left for you. So, I have to manage other ways. Sweet-talk, you know.
Dont like sweet-talk. Or gingerbread.
All right, then a boiled sweet.
Much better! Gran, do you think Mum loves me?
Love you? More than anyone in this world! More than I do, even. And thats saying something.
Then why does she scold me so much?
Because she loves you, thats why.
Odd sort of love You love me too, but you dont scold me.
Im your gran. Shes your mum. The responsibility is heavier for mothers, you see. Her love will always look different. You understand?
Not really.
Youll see, one day. Time comes when sense follows.
Only, that one day was always slow to arrive.
Julia waited, but it seemed the stricter her mother became with each year.
Whatever am I to do with you? Sit by and wait until you end up carrying a bundle under your skirt?
Julia heard this phrase often, not knowing what it meant until much later. Shed snicker foolishly as her mother scolded, thinking of her torn kindergarten dress. She often wanted to ask how one could carry anything with a hole in her hem, but thought better of it her mother wouldnt take kindly to jokes, and shed surely cop another telling off for nothing.
In truth, her mothers worries were quite for naught.
Plain, though pleasant enough, Julia secretly considered herself to be rather ordinary. No matter what gran said there was always the mirror!
And in her reflection, Julia saw nothing good. Truly. Her eyes were beady, her ponytail limp and dark, and her nose seemed forever dashed with spots. Oh, such a beauty surely.
Shed accepted the truth about her looks a long time ago, preferring not to fuss over them. It was easieron her and for her mother, too. No need for the latest fashions, and her battered plimsolls saw her through every occasion except one: on those rare theatre outings with gran, she was obliged to don something respectable.
She loved the theatre; pity tickets were so dear. Gran saved from her pension, a few pounds at a time, but it took ages to afford an evening out. Thus, by Year Seven, Julia had offered her services to the neighbour, merrily minding her two energetic children and earning her first few pence. The twins were lively, but manageable, and Julia an only child actually looked forward to their company, taking it more as a joy than chore.
And why not? Shed pop in, play, offer up a spoon or two of porridge to eager, open mouths, and scurry home. No one to jump on her head, draw in her exercise books, or dispute over the room. Bliss!
Not that she was selfish, but Julia already understood well enough that bringing up even two children needed proper money. And what did they have? Her mothers nurse wage (even if she worked in the ICU), her grans pension, and, above all, the absence of a father. Julia had never met him, nor particularly wanted to.
She never spoke to her mother about these thoughts. Why add more trouble? She had enough worries as it was. Julia was handful enough, besides gran, whose mind was slipping more with each passing day. Sometimes she didnt remember what she had for breakfast, or her own name.
At least shed remembered Julias father for a while, and had told Julia the whole story before her memory faded completely:
He didnt want your mother.
Why?
A roamer, he was. Had a queue of women behind him. I told your mother but would she listen? Fell in love, didnt she. Swore hed marry her, put all the others down to youthful mistakes.
Did he marry her?
Oh, he did. If your mother set her mind on something, shed get it. But as soon as he realised she was expecting you, he vanished clean off. Like the morning mist gone, and left no address. Just a note.
What did it say?
Doesnt matter, Julia. Thats their business, and best kept so. But know this, you were so dearly awaited by your mother she tiptoed through her pregnancy, took care of herself as if she were made of glass. The worry never left her. And you wonder why she fusses and brings you up so firmly?
Is that it?
Thats it, pet. Shes frightened for you. Sometimes sits up at night just watching you, muttering to herself and stroking your hair, nearly crying. Ask her and she snaps, but its all hers, all hidden away. She loves you, Julia, in her own fashion.
Well, thats clear enough. Did you scold her too?
Course! All mothers are the same. We do all sorts out of fright for our children, and then regret it.
Why be frightened?
For your own? No explaining it. Youll know if you have children one day.
Julia kept quiet but thought to herself that shed never scold her children shed bring them up differently. Naïve, perhaps, but isnt everyone at that age?
The truth was, children were a distant dream. Julia didnt much expect to have any herself, anyway.
Who would want her? Small, plain, and stubborn as a burr once she stuck, there was no shaking her off.
When she finished her training, Julia took a post at the same hospital as her mother. That was when it all started.
Everything, it seemed, was done wrong. Julia was too quick, too attentive to patients (Dont give them ideas, or theyll run circles around you), put in too much effort (No one wants it, theyll be discharged and new ones admitted), and she cared more than necessary. People said you cant help everyone. Calm down a bit, you cant save them all.
But Julia refused to heed such advice. She felt sorry for every poorly soul, as tears stung her eyes. People were in pain, in need! Surely it cost her nothing to help to make a bed, to offer a kind word. Even animals liked a soft word; werent patients at least deserving of that much?
Her own mother would warn her.
Dont set yourself up, love. They dont like your sort here. Youll end up at loggerheads with everyone wholl that help? Me? Gran? We need your wages now more than ever! Cant send Gran to a home, can we? You ought to be gaining experience, but wholl watch over Gran?
I cant help it, Mum! They shout at the patients, scold them
The job is hard and people are difficult. Youve seen all sorts. Not everyone has enough heart to treat patients kindly. We should, of course, but not everyone manages. There are three of you in your unit like that and thats good! I spoke to your matron; she says youre marvellous but even she says: take it easy. You cant force people to care; lead quietly by example and things may change. In time.
Itll take ages!
Oh, Julia where did you inherit your stubbornness?
Not sure. From you, perhaps.
Julia!
What?
Nothing. Just do as your mother says.
Mmm.
She didnt want to argue, but Julia listened to her mother only when it suited her. Maybe Mum was right in some things, but then there was that old lady in room three, as cantankerous as they came yet every morning she smiled especially for Julia. Not once did she complain to the matron about injections or lack of care (plenty to say about the other nurses, but not Julia).
And the old lady was not the only one; there were others. Worn out, weary of pain, forever squabbling with their relatives Julia saw and heard everything. Family came to visit, but only ever to discuss the will or other nonsense. Afterwards, the patients would cry, fume who could blame them?
But her mother wouldnt hear of it. Julias happiness was all she cared about. But could one be happy if all around were miserable?
She knew she couldnt save everyone, but if she could help even a few
Let her mates in the ward laugh, call her blessed, say she ought to try a nunnery; that was their business. Gran always said, the caravan must keep moving, whatever the barking.
So Julias own caravan trudged on. Kicking up sand, often parched for understanding.
Few understood her, and fewer still were there to say, Youre just fine. Not that Julia ever craved anyones approval shed grown used to living without it. Yet, after her gran finally lost herself altogether, even a proper chat was hard to come by. Mum only worried, told Julia to get on with her own life. Her friends had all married, tossing their bouquets straight at her.
Time for you to be married, Julia! Catch!
Shed accept the bouquets politely, not wanting to offend. But the one that someone supposed to appear soon after the flowers landed in her hands was taking his time. Lost, perhaps; or, more likely, there wasnt one meant for Julia at all. Not everyone is destined to be a half. Some are whole on their own.
So, she made her peace with it. Stopped even expecting it. Tatianas heroics were not for her Julia could never declare her feelings first. Even if there were someone worth the trouble.
Instead, she hurried between the hospital, her friends animal shelter where she pitched in now and then, and Grans bedside, Gran recognizing her less and less. Mum would sigh, shoo her out with friends, but understood it was no use. Julia was becoming a classic old maid, wanting nothing of love or marriage.
Mum, if you want grandchildren, just say so! Ill have a couple. Thats easy enough nowadays.
Julia! What a cynical thing to say!
Why not? There arent enough princes to go round, are there, Mum? Thats just how nature works! So, what do you want from me?
I want you to be happy, love
Then stop saying I need to sort out my life. My life doesnt want to be sorted. Its fine as it is, all right? So, leave it be! Im fed up as it is.
And her mother would fall silent, sighing quietly, wondering who else she could introduce her stubborn daughter to. Her friends sons were all paired off, so nothing for it but to leave it up to fate.
And, as things go, fate took its time and chose a path Julia would never have dreamt for herself.
She thought her hero would appear by her side, waiting patiently until she was ready to reciprocate. But, as it was, things happened entirely differently.
The most important role in Julias little play called life was played by none other than that famously cantankerous old lady. She appeared in Julias ward at least twice a year, and with her arrival came a general groan amongst the staff, as they braced for complaints.
Shell be at it again Lets hope shes well soon. Julia! Shes your favourite! You sort her out!
Mrs Mary Alexander her real name would beam at the sight of Julia hurrying down the corridor.
My girl! Lovely to see a friendly face amongst the ghouls!
No need to be like that. Everyone heres decent.
Youre young, youll learn. Ive lived. Trust me.
I wont argue. Ill just take you to your room before you frighten anybody else!
Let them fret does them good!
Youre such trouble, Mrs Alexander!
That I may be but nowhere near as troublesome as my cat! You havent met her, have you! Theres a beast, if ever was one!
Julia would nod but paid it little mind. Shed soon wish she had for events took an odd turn.
This time, Mrs Alexander returned to hospital oddly subdued quiet and a shadow of her former self.
No arguments, no complaints, no demands to determine right from wrong. She followed Julia into her room, turned to the wall and lay silently. Julia was alarmed, but her questions were waved away.
Run along, Julia, pet Later.
Of course, within hours Julia had caught word of her diagnosis, and learned Mrs Alexander had admitted herself.
Fallen out with her children suffering for it now. Well! Theyll be sorry in their turn. A chill between mother and children does no one good.
Julia let the old cliché drift by who was she to judge what went on in families she knew nothing about? Dip a toe in those waters and you could never tell where the real trouble lay. Everyone has their own truth, in the end.
Finishing her shift, Julia swung by Mrs Alexanders room.
How are you? Need anything?
A long, considering look was her answer. Julia turned to leave, but Mrs Alexander spoke.
Julia, could I ask you? Im not one for favours more used to demanding. My mother was formidable, raised me to be the same. Push forward, for nobody else will push for you. But she never said what to do when you truly couldnt go on your own
What do you need? Dont be shy.
See, Julia Ive plenty of kin, but none I feel I can trust. Silly, isn’t it? Life is mostly over, and little to show for it. Fleeting joys, enough worries to sink a roof. I thought itd be different for my children, but I only spoiled them. Now, Im still here barely but theyve already divided everything. Ive given them all I could. The flat split between daughter and son so theyd never have to be burdened. Even sold my own mums place to give them more. Raised them, propped them up, helped with the grandchildren while my legs lasted. And now? Neither of them wants the trouble of me. But my cat Julia, would you take Marzipan for me?
Who?
My cat! Shes lovely, mind. A little prickly, but clever cleverer than most people! She knew I was leaving, wouldnt let me out the house the morning I came here. Knows everything
Julia was flummoxed.
She adored animals, but thered never been pets in their home gran needed looking after and funds were always tight. Animals meant more expense, and they had precious little enough.
Yet she simply couldnt refuse Mrs Alexander. Those pleading eyes were enough to make clear that cat was perhaps the one remaining joy in her life. Strange maybe even a bit daft, but true. And Julia knew it wasnt her place to judge. Every soul is a closed book. If she could offer a little light, she would, without question.
By the end of her shift, Julia consulted her mother, received reluctant permission, and set off to fetch the cat.
Ill take her, Mrs Alexander. But only until youre better! Then youll have her back.
Oh yes, Julia, love of course.
Mrs Alexander nodded, the frail gesture making her seem like anyones grandmother, not some fearsome shrew.
Reaching Mrs Alexanders house, Julia hesitated. The landlady had given her keys, but Julia balked at going in alone, so she knocked at the neighbouring door.
Can I help you? A pleasant-faced woman, baby in arms, peered out.
Sorry to trouble you. Mrs Alexander asked me to collect her cat. Would you mind standing at your door a moment while I pop in?
Dont fancy going in there alone? The woman smiled. Sensible. Shes a right handful, that old girl.
Oh, not at all! She’s a good sort.
Of course. The woman nodded. Go on. Well wait, right, Johnny?
Baby Johnny gurgled in agreement, and the operation to rescue Marzipan was underway.
It was simultaneously over in a flash. The moment Julia cracked open the door, a black streak shot out, dashed down the steps, and was gone before Julia could so much as gasp.
Shut the door! the neighbour darted, and Julia had no choice but to comply. Youll never catch her now. Shes quick, and vicious! Mind your hands if you do. Best of luck!
Thank you!
Julia shouted her thanks already bounding down the stairs, hoping the front door was shut.
No such luck. It stood wide, and a crew of burly men were carting boxes from a van outside.
You seen a cat? Julia asked, not expecting much.
To her surprise, one man waved towards the nearby trees.
Shes up there!
The others laughed, watching Julia dart about under a tree, where a hissing Marzipan clawed the bare autumn boughs high above, yet not one offered to help.
Julia couldnt even see the animal at first, only hear her growls and yowls. The branches were a nearly leafless tangle.
Marzipan, puss-puss-puss!
A feral howl was her reward.
You little imp! Julia sighed.
Well, there was nothing for itshed have to climb.
The square was almost deserted. A fine, chill rain began, adding to the gloom. Julia longed to put this all behind her, curl under a blanket with some tea and a single earbud (the other always for mums lectures, after all). Shed even welcome being scolded right now, if it meant avoiding this climb.
But a promise must be kept.
Slinging her ever-present rucksack behind her, she grasped the first branch.
Next. Another. Up, up.
The growling grew louder until a swift paw flicked past her face Julia barely ducked in time.
Marzipan! Have you lost your mind? Ill
She thought better of threatening the tail perhaps the cat was as clever as her mistress claimed. Best not to risk being understood.
She climbed higher, stretching out to grab the sodden, spitting cat by the scruff.
Let go, you wretched creature!
Julia could hiss with the best of them and somehow, Marzipan seemed to get the message, relaxing enough to be stowed under Julias coat. Warmer there, and dry the cat settled, silent, as Julia muttered about what lay ahead.
Going up was one thing; getting down quite another. Julia had always been afraid of heights and only now, looking at the distance to the ground, did it strike her how high shed climbed.
Clutching Marzipan close, she squeezed her eyes shut.
Oh, Mum
It was so very high
She slid forward but knew she couldnt get down.
The rain beat harder, and Julia cursed as much at herself as at Marzipan.
For pitys sake, cat! Why couldnt you just behave?!
Marzipan, claws dug deep into Julias jumper, decided silence was the best option. The girls tone was so familiar that the cat nearly mewed pathetically, as when her mistress embraced her tight and wet-faced, saying goodbye.
Time crawled on, but no solution appeared. Julia hung on, berating herself for sheer daftness. Shed saved the cat, but who now would save her?
Her phone buzzed endlessly in her pocket, but she dared not reach. Shouting for help felt too mortifying.
Oi! You comfortable up there?
A voice startled Julia so she nearly toppled.
Hold on! Dont fall! Ill get you down just wait a tick!
It was as if shed any choice.
Oh, wonderful! Ill just wait here, shall I?
Her sarcasm was met with a thoughtful, Hmm, and the young man vanished.
Hes off, Marzipan why am I such a
She didnt have time to finish.
He reappeared, propped a ladder against the tree, and called, Come on down! Unless youre planning to sleep up there?
Julia shook her head, eyes shut, forgetting he couldnt see.
Im frightened
Her admission barely out, she felt a tug at her ankle and slid down to the ladder, not knowing quite how shed landed there.
Ive got you! Dont worry, just step carefully now!
She obeyed, his steadying hands at her side. As soon as she touched land, Marzipan squirmed free, but Julia grabbed and zipped her into the coat.
Stay put! I promised your owner Id care for you, and I will!
Youre fierce!
The lad, a skinny, unspectacular sort, grinned at Julia.
Shall I walk you home?
Thats all right Ill manage myself! Julia started to stalk away, then checked herself. Fool! Hed come out of his way, found a ladder (!) and got soaked for her sake. Her mother was right she was that sort. Instead of a kind word, shed snapped at him.
Sorry Thank you. Id have been up there all night, if not for you.
Why?
Im scared of heights!
Then why climb?
For the cat! Anyway I must be off. Mum will be fretting.
No need for Mr after Ive rescued your soggy backside, call me Tom. Shall I walk you to the Tube? Or are you nearby?
Not too far.
Suddenly, Julia didnt feel cold; an odd warmth seemed to carry her, made her fingers tingle and brought a silly smile to her lips at Toms every word.
Marzipan, quiet inside her coat, seemed to soak up this new happiness, not daring even to purr lest she frighten it away.
Tom walked Julia all the way home. Next evening, he waited for her after work in the hospital gardens. They went to buy Marzipans special food together, for it transpired the cat would sooner starve than touch the wrong thing.
Julia looked after Marzipan for a week until Mrs Alexanders daughter arrived to collect the cat.
You understand, Mum misses her cat terribly better they be together.
Will you take your mother too?
Of course! Shes my mum. She always put up a fight, refused to move in, but now she must. Thank you for everything.
Julia waved as they left, Mrs Alexander cuddling the purring cat, reflecting once again how deep and shadowy other peoples hearts and homes were. No good guessing at what isnt there; not everything is as it seems. If you need even your mothers cat, theres more affection than others might think.
As for others, building their own family is of more use than peering into someone elses. Especially when theres someone youd want to try with. And then, whoever speaks first hardly matters; what does is something else entirely.
What matters is that the right person will find time and a ladder just when you need it most and will never tell you youre not quite right. Because, to them, there will never be anyone in the whole world quite like you.
