A Letter to Father
Oh, you, Johnny, what a piece of work you are! I never wouldve expected this from you! Emily spat the words out, abandoning any pretense, and wiped her nose with the sleeve of her best blouse.
Her mother had sewn that fancy blouse from a precious bit of silk kept hidden away for years, sighing wistfully that such beauty wouldnt be for herself, before sitting down at her battered Singer to make something special for her daughter.
Well, she reasoned, her girl was growing up. She needed something nice to wear if Emily wasnt dressed well, whod look twice at her?
Wouldve been better if Mum hadnt bothered so much… What was the point? Emily thought bitterly, watching her first love walk away.
That so-called love was marching off in his brisk military stride, not even glancing back once.
She was stung by the insult, as though it were unbearable.
Emily sobbed again, but quickly remembered her lashes were newly mascaraed against her mothers rules so she dared not risk a single tear.
John. Johnny. Dearest Johnny…
Her one and only love! Theyd only had half a year together, but Emily had counted every moment. From the day theyd met exactly six months had passed.
Half a year, yet so much had happened…
John finally turned to look, but Emily made sure not to notice.
And why should she! Shed come to him with this news, and for what? He turns his nose up! Let him go, then! A sailor, full of himself! All he wants is the sea and freedom! What about her? Well, fine! Who needs him? She wasnt a childshed have this baby, raise it herself, and wouldnt ask his permission. Too much honour for the likes of him!
Emily fumed, but deep inside, thin and piercing, like the whine of a kettle, an ache of resentment scraped at her nerves.
How? Hed claimed to love her, promised her the moon! Swore theyd get married… And now, as soon as she told him she was expecting his child, he dodged the responsibility?
Well, not told him flat out… Instead, she hinted she wanted more than just the odd weekend together, and hed replied that the sea was calling him again. He wouldnt change his plans for the sake of her little notions. If she loved him, she could pack her bags and come along.
How could she leave her motherespecially carrying a childto start over at the far end of the country, without family, friends, or any help?
No, that would never do.
Emily stood up from the bench, straightened her skirt and patted her hair sparse as it was, her perm worked wonders. Mum was right: appearances counted for a lot. Look at John, no oil painting himself, but girls still fell for him. He was clever, funny, and could be so serious too. Never mind hed left school early. Still, he had a head on his shoulders…
Not that Emily herself had much education just finished her college course, and flat refused to study further, no matter how Mother pleaded. Theyd barely spoken for a month afterwards.
But Emily understood her own worth. What good was a diploma when she was already bringing in good money working on site? Enough to send some home and keep herself afloat.
Mum calmed down, and welcomed Emily back under her wing, as mothers do. But what would she say now, once she learned she was to be a grandmother? Would there be a row?
Of course how could there not be!
Her mothers shouting brought the neighbours running, but they were sent away with a story about trouble at work. Family business is family business and should be settled in private.
How could this happen, my girl? Didnt I always warn you to mind yourself before marriage? Who will want you now? Oh, Johnny, I didnt think youd be so rotten! Seemed like such a nice lad. A snake! Well, I hope he dances yet. Did he really scarper the moment you broke the news?
Emily hesitated. Should she tell her mother the whole truth? Shed never get away with it. Best stick with a simple storyless blame that way, and John was long gone.
Yes, Mum. Thats how it was.
Oh, my poor child. What are we meant to do now?
What of it? Were not children! Well manage, Mum! As long as you dont desert me, lend a hand at first, Im not afraid of giving birth.
Desert you? Dont be daft! What sort of mother abandons her child when help is needed?
Emily shut her eyes, exhaled deeply, and felt a weight lift.
Thats it, Johnny! Well cope just fine without you, my dear. Go chase your precious sea!
In time, Emily would even forget the details of her talk with John. She convinced herself shed told him, that hed simply snubbed her. Anger and pain made a nest deep in her heart, all tangled up, whispering:
Oh look, your daughters just like her father! Always darting about, causing trouble. See if she doesnt ask where her hopeless dad got tooff to play sailor and never even looked back! Shell do the same when she grows up, just you watch. Apple doesnt fall far…
Perhaps thats why Alice, Emilys daughter, grew up believing only Grandma loved her, and even that was hit-and-miss. Shed be petted, pitied, but at the first snigger from the neighbours, Grandma would push her away.
Off you go! Go to your mum! Let her coddle you, my poor little mite… What did we ever do to deserve this, Lord?
Until the age of three, Alice was convinced little mite and punishment were her proper names. It was only during rare moments of peace that her mother would call her Aliceand those times, Alice cherished the affection she received.
Come here, darling! Let me sort your hair. Such lovely thick locks youve got… Not like mine, all wisps. Took after your dadhe had hair as black as a raven’s wing. And blue eyes, blue as the sea he sailed for… Youre his spit, my beauty. But mark my words: you may be lovely, but youll never know happiness, not in this life.
Why? Alice would pout, on the verge of tears.
Because.
Her mothers voice would crack and Alice knew not to ask more. Safer to retreat to Grandmas, bury her face in the floury, roast-smelling apron, and have a quiet cryfirst for herself, then for Mum, and finally for Granny. Because, after all, it was Mums shame, and Granny that shouldered it.
But what that shame was, and why anyone had to carry it, Alice didnt figure out until much later. Shed just turned ten when her mother suddenly blossomed and left for the city, determined to build a new life.
Alice stayed behind with Grandma.
It wasnt as if she missed her mother too badlyshed always been left with Grandma while Mum went off to earn a living, insisting someone had to provide for a fatherless child. But this time was different. Usually, Mum would come back tired but cheerful, laden with presents, wagging a finger at Grandma:
Mum, whys she so thin? People will say we dont feed her!
Feeds herself! She grabs a slice of bread and thats her done. If her mother were home, shed have proper meals! Me? Ive got animals to tend, a dairy to run, and a little girl in the house! If you want to nag, come home and look after her yourself!
Oh, shes big enough! Dont grumble! Come and see what Ive brought you!
What use is your fancy stuff to me? Oh, my girl, better if youd just stayed. My heart aches with missing you!
Mum’s smile would slip, and Alice would shrink into a corner, knowing an argument was coming.
Oh, bored, are you? Try my life for size! Still young enough to hope, locked away like a convict. And now you blame me! Sometimes I dont want to go on! Mum, cant you just pity me for once? Ive burdened myself with so much… Had I known, Id never have let him go.
No good lamenting now, my girl! Wishing youd done things different never fixed a thing!
Mum!
What? You birthed a child now raise her! If you cant, write to her father, maybe hell take the girl!
Give Alice to him? Not on your life! He wanted nothing to do with her thenso why should he now? Does he deserve a child handed over fully-formed? Never! Ive worked myself to the bone for her, he doesnt get to swoop in now!
Fine then, dont grumble! The child hears everything! Think it doesnt hurt her, knowing her fathers a scoundrel while her mother can barely keep afloat?
Then let her be hurt! Life isnt all honey! Sometimes it deals you a blow you never recover from. Thats enough, Mum. Dont you dare write to John yourselfI know what youre like!
Grandma respected that ban. At least for a while.
Alice was preparing for her GCSEs when news came from the city: her mother had given birth to a boy, and a week later had died, leaving explanations unsaid.
The truth of her birth might have stayed forever secret if not for Alices own stubbornness.
After the tragedy, Grandma left for the city, leaving Alice in charge and telling her to mind the house.
Theres no time for tears now, child… Grandma whispered, knotting her black shawl tighter around her. How will we manage? What will we do for money?
Gran, Ill get a job!
Hold on, not yet. First, lets see about the baby. His fathers taken him, but wont raise him. And me… Can I manage, Alice?
Whats the alternative? I grew up with barely a mum; we cant stick him in an orphanage! That isnt right!
I know… but it frightens me, Alice. I dont know how much longer I can go on…
With Grandma gone, Alice turned the house over, thinking her mothers old rules no longer applied.
She had to find her father; there was no managing without his help.
She knew what she needed to do. Since shed been little before she could even write shed drawn letter-pictures for her father, hiding them from her mum and gran. Shed composed whole stories in crayonsabout a new cat, or learning to make pastry with Gran. The sketchbooks she stashed under her bed were discovered once, but Grandma said nothing. Shed tried again to talk to Mum, but her daughter remained unyielding, clinging to rage towards a man whod vanished and never once tried to meet his child. Mum resented her old flame so deeply she never seemed to remember he might not even know he had a daughter at all.
When crayons became scribbled letters, Alice kept up her habit, stashing away notebooks filled with her joys, heartbreaks, and hopes.
Now she just needed to write the crucial letter the one shed finally send.
She found the address after all. Hidden behind a photo frame on the lounge wall, under a decades-old photo of her mother. The glass shattered when Alice tried to shift the frame, and she burst into tears at her own clumsiness, remembering her mothers jibes.
A corner of a time-yellowed envelope peeked out. Alice pulled it free, realising shed found what she needed, and the tears streamed all over again.
Mum! Why did you do this to me? What did I ever do wrong?
She sat slumped on the floor, letting it all pour out, telling her mother everything shed bottled up, asking forgiveness for she knew not what.
It didnt help.
Im sorry, Mum, but I wont follow your rules this time. I know you never wanted me to contact Dad… But I need him. Gran says she wont be around forever. I get cross when she says it, but shes right. We cant cope on our own. If Dads truly as bad as you said, at least Ill know. But if hes not? I dont really believe you anymore, Mum. You always said he was bad, butwhy did you have me, if you never planned on loving me? Why cling to empty heroics? Yes, call me ungrateful! But do you know how much it hurts to be unloved? To be told you look like a man youve never even met? I want to see him, to hear his side!
It never once occurred to Alice that her father might have moved. She wrote with a single-minded fury, pouring heart and soul into three short linesher pain, her plea for help, her timid hope that her father might hear her.
She sent the letter off on her way to school. When she came home, Grandma was there, holding the new babyso tiny, Alice was almost afraid to touch him.
There you are, Alice… This is Alex. Your brother… Grans voice caught, and she turned away as she wrapped the baby tightly.
Gran, whys he so little?
Perfectly normal. You were even smaller, love.
Really?
Oh yes. But look at you now, bigger than life. Hell grow too.
Gran, what about his dad…?
He said hell help, but wont take him. Says hes too busy.
Well, thats something… Alice mimicked Grandmas inflection so perfectly it made the old woman laugh.
Oh, Alice! Will we manage?
How else? Quietly, Gran, like everyone does! Look at Linda from next doorshes got nine, never complains! She said shed bring hand-me-downs from the twins, and some are nearly new. Babies grow so fast, dont they, Gran?
Youre right, Alice. Faster than time. I was just cradling your mother, and now shes gone…
Please, Gran, dont cry! Or Ill start too, and so will he! What does he need, food or a change?
Probably hungry. Goodness, look at the time! Ready for a feed!
Gran bustled about and passed Alex into Alices arms.
Hold him, love! You wont drop him, youre capable and clever. Hell be all right if he takes after you.
Alice froze.
In her arms lay living proof that she was no longer alone. For so many years, shed longed for someone to need her the way she needed them. Gran and Mum were in a world of their ownfamily, yes, but not the right kind.
Once you marry, youll forget all about uswont need us at all! Mum had scoffed whenever Alice asked what their life would be when she was grown.
But Alice had longed for a big, warm familyjust like Lindas, with all its chaos, noise and laughter, and generations piled under one roof.
Linda ran her household with a sure hand, believing family was what mattered most. Her husband agreed, and nipped arguments in the bud:
All right now! Tidy up! No yelling at family!
Alice made a mental note: thats how it should be. Family first, always.
She felt a pang of envy; her world was just Gran and Mum. If only there had been someone else…
And now there was.
This small, smacking-lipped, squinty-faced baby, not even a month old, was hers for keeps. She needed him, and he needed her. No matter how old hed grow, in her heart, hed always be this warm, fragile presenceheavy in her arms, but comforting to her soul.
Alice learned to care for her brother quickly. Linda popped by once, crisp from a dash across the lane, expertly unwrapping a squalling Alex and chuckling over his spindly arms and legs:
Hello there, little soldier! Give us a shout! Louder! Work those lungs! Right, Alice, nothing to fear. Everyone manages, and so will you. Ill show you bathing and changing, the rests easy. Wheres Gran?
She went to town this morning for paperwork, said it was urgent. She showed me everything but I wanted your advice too… Just in case.
Why? Isnt Grans wisdom good enough? Linda frowned in mock sternness.
Please, Linda, its not that! Gran says shes forgotten so much about babies, but you remember everything…
Oh, do I! laughed Linda, her youngest twins only recently turned one. Feels like yesterday!
Thats why I thought youd show me best. Im terrified, Linda. Hes so tiny…
Dont worry. Well muddle through! Linda quickly swaddled a now calm Alex. Girls used to wed young, you know. By your age, youd have at least two yourself! Youll cope!
Alice watched her deft hands, knowing she herself was nowhere near ready for motherhood. Nappies and bottlesthat was the easy bitloving someone properly, that was the challenge.
Alex taught her everything she needed to know. Now Alice didnt just walk home from schoolshe flew, knowing shed be met with his first gummy smile, a smile thatby fatewas given not to Gran, but to her, his sister. Ay-lee! he’d bellow, toddling across the yard.
Here I am, my boy! Come to me!
Those chubby arms would wrap round her neck, and Alice would melt, kissing his dirty cheeks.
Where have you been? Howd you get so mucky? Come, lets wash you up!
With Alice, Alex would suffer anything, even soap and scrubbing. Gran would chuckle, watching her try to catch the wriggler.
Eel, thats what he is! Hold on tight, Alice, or hell bump his nose.
In these busies, Alice almost forgot the letter shed sent her father. No reply ever came. She decided silence was its own messagehe didnt want to know.
The hurt pricked, but in time faded; she was too busy for self-pity. All her thoughts were for Alex.
Gran talked endlessly about university, but Alice wouldnt hear of it.
Gran, you know its impossible! If I went off to study, youd be here alone. Theres always a need for hands at the farm or at Lindas new shop. She promised me a job!
Gran wouldnt listen.
Alice! Dont waste your life the way your mum did! Im doing this for you!
Gran, dont start. There are more important things than a degree!
It was then, at the peak of their arguments, that the door opened to the person Alice never thought shed see.
She was coming home with Alex after a night at Lindas. He, tired from playing with the twins, was dawdling; she scooped him up when he tugged her skirt, chuckling at his, Up, Alice!
But when she reached their garden, she stopped dead. On the verandah, a stranger was on a stool, fiddling with the porch-light that hadnt worked in years.
There, thats got you, daft thing! the man grunted as the bulb flared into life and he hopped down.
Only then did he spot Alice, rooted to the spot, Alex in her arms.
Daughter…
John took a step, then another, and, without hesitation, swept both her and Alex into his arms.
My darling girl
For a fleeting moment, Alice saw tears on the strangers face.
Forgive me, love! I never knew about you! Is he yours? He nodded at Alex, who gazed up at the stranger wide-eyed.
Will you let a granddad hold him? Come here, boy! Let me look at you!
Only then did understanding dawn.
Hes not mine!… I mean, hes not my son. Hes my brother. Mums… Alex.
Ah, I see. John pressed the boy close. Alex didnt resist, but leaned in, snuggling his face against the mans bristly cheek.
Tickly!
No trouble, mate! Ill shave, I promise. Come in, Alice. The midges here are bloody wild! Ive been eaten alive in half an hour!
The rivers close by, Dad…
I remember.
Gran welcomed Alice in with a look that said everything. The old grievances had been aired; peaceat last.
What did past quarrels between parents matter now? What counted was they had someone new in the family. And that, Alice realised, was a gift to be cherished.
She watched Alex circling their fathers feet and understood: that was how it would be from now on. There was finally a man in their home. And that was good.
Later, Alice found out her letter hadnt gotten lost. It was delivered to the old address, and the woman living there took the time and trouble to track down the former owner and forward the note. It took monthsby the time John finally picked it up, hed just returned from sea.
As soon as I got your letter, love, I came straight away! I thought I was all alone in the world. Id written to your mum more than once, too. Wanted a family…
And she?
She replied just the once. Told me shed married and to leave her alone. So I did… Oh, Alice, if Id known! Id have swum back across the channel for you! I didnt deserve this happiness. Will you come with me? Ive got a flat in Portsmouthbig and bright! You can see the sea from the window, and the sunsets are something else!
Dad, I cant…
Why not?
I wont leave Alex and Gran behind. I couldnt do that.
Who said leave them behind? The place is big enough for all of us. You need to study, love. Gran will watch Alex, and you can enrol at university.
But how will we live? Were barely scraping by as is. Alexs dad made promises but never paid a pennydoesnt help at all. We havent seen him in over a year. Only came once, stayed ten minutes, left for good.
Alice hesitated, but Johns eyes twinkled with something fierce and tender.
Is that all? You think I cant provide for one woman, an old dear, and a boy? Im your father! Weve been waiting for you to say yes. And now, thats what youve doneisnt it?
Yes, Dad. Yes…
Alice would hug her father, blessing the day shed finally written that letter. Then, together, theyd all move to the distant southern coasta city not always quiet, but alive with the sound of the sea.
Perhaps Alices life would never be peaceful, battered by storms and calms alike. But now, she knew she had found a haven, a safe harbourno matter what.
And that harbour would always be warm and bustling: home, the scent of cabbage pies shed never learn to bake no matter how hard Gran tried to teach her.
And most of all, shed have her shaggy-haired brotherwaiting at the door, his boyish voice deepening, but still eager and warm:
Hey! Dad said youd be home today! Alice, I missed you!
And I missed you, too, my best boy… Always.She stood in the doorway a moment longer, savoring the familiar jumble of voices and laughter, the clatter of dishesAlex wrangling for stolen biscuits, Gran huffing at John as he tuned an old radio by the window. Light from the sea spilled over the worn floorboards, warming every corner.
Alice closed her eyes, letting it all wash over her: the ache of lost years, the comfort of arms that would not let her fall, the simple truth of belonging. In her heart, where once there was only longing, something gentle and fierce unfurleda certainty, at last, that she was exactly where she was meant to be.
She set down her bag and ran to join them. Alex grabbed her hand; John looked up, grinning, pride and love in his tired, sea-bright eyes. Gran offered a crooked slice of pie, soft as ever, smiling through her tears.
Alice laughed, the sound ringing out clear and brightbolder, somehow, and utterly free. The world outside their window was wide and wild, but within these walls, a new chapter had begun: one with no missing places at the table, no secrets kept in old frames.
She breathed deep, steeped in hope and sunlight.
Tomorrow, she thought, theyd walk to the water together. Alex would paddle in the surf; Gran would find shells for the mantle; John would tell stories of far-off coasts, always looking back to make sure she was close. And Alice would smile, certain at last of something precious: the tide always brought them home.
She belonged. She was loved. And that, she knew, would always be enough.
