The Broken Doll
Mary, it was simply delightful! Eleanor is astonishing! And her voice! Never in all my years have I heard anything as beautiful! You know, Im often at the Royal Opera House, I can call myself nearly an expert. She must sing there! Without question!
Bella, thank you for thinking so highly of my daughter! Eleanor has been working toward this for so long. All those years of practice and effort, and now, finallyCarmen!
Wonderful! Wonderful! Now that she has accomplished so much, Mary, dont you think its time to consider her future? Shes a nightingale, yes, but a bird cannot flit from branch to branch forever. She needs a nest, chicks of her own!
I dont know, Bella. I feel it isnt yet the proper time. Shes still so young, and todays success is just the first step of many in her career.
Mary! Charles has been ready for marriage for ages, and how much longer will you keep him waiting? He adores Eleanor, can barely pass a day without seeing her. And now it seems were only standing in the way of their happiness! Bella pulled a lace handkerchief from her purse, dabbing her eyes. Who are we, Mary, to stand in their way?
Mary Bywater said nothing.
She realised she could never so easily shake off her old friend, but she did not care to prolong the conversation. It was hardly the first time not the hundredth, or the thousandth.
Bella, whom Mary had known since they were children, was relentless once she set her mind to a thing. She simply ploughed ahead, ignoring obstacles, never tolerating objections. In all the years Mary had known her, Bella had never failed to get her way.
Even their friendship had begun thanks to Bellas will. Mary still remembered the confusion and sharp sense of injustice shed felt.
The beautiful dollwhom Mary had named Lizziewas a gift from her father, brought back from a trip. She had golden curls, wide blue eyes and a most unusual gown. Mary adored her new toy, seating her at the tiny table for imaginary teas, insisting on careful manners just as her mother had taught her.
Bella first saw the doll a week after Lizzie came to live with Mary; she was immediately entranced. She was used to coaxing away her friends toys but this time Mary refused to part with Lizzie. Bella promptly fell illtruly ill, with tears and fever. She was so despondent, Mary herself brought Lizzie to comfort her. What else could a friend do when Bella felt so wretched?
Mary brought the toy, but regretted it at once. Tears vanished instantly, and Bella seized her old dollKate, whose eyes barely closed anymoreby the leg and tossed her in the toy trunk.
Youll live in there now!
It was this, more than anything, that unsettled Mary. She felt so sorry for poor Kate that she asked Bella for her, who, already absorbed in her new treasure, didnt look up. Mary took the discarded doll home.
There, she begged her mother to mend Kate. Tears stung her eyes not only for Kate, but for giving up Lizzie. She understood precisely what fate awaited her beloved dolla newer, prettier one would someday arrive, and Lizzie too would be tossed aside, unwanted, forgotten.
It never once occurred to Mary to take Lizzie back. It wouldnt be right.
And so, Kate stayed with Mary for years. Even when she grew up and had a daughter of her own, Kate still sat on the nursery shelf, arms flung wide, staring out with blue eyes long since stripped of their lashes.
For Mary, that toy became a reminder of how easily some people cast aside old attachments for the sake of new desires. And she always suspected such people could do the same to others, not just to things.
Still, Bella was the nearest neighbour and only companion her age; strangely, there had never been other girls nearby. Mary decided there was no sense in quarrelling over such things. Who knew what time would bring? Best to live in peace
Mary moved into this new house with her parents after her grandfathers death. She remembered little of him, but his very nameGeorge Edmund Bywaterwas spoken only in whispers and with respect. What hed done in life, she only learned much later. It need not concern children.
It was only years laterafter her father, a leading London surgeon, died suddenly and Mary and her mother were left alonethat she learnt her grandfather had been a spy.
Were on our own now, Mary. We must fend for ourselves. How, Im not sure yet
Why?
I always lived under someones wingfirst your grandfathers, then your fathers. He made all the decisions: where to go, what to buy, how to dress. It was always his word that settled things. After him, your fathers.
Mum, but why did you tolerate that?
My dear, what else could I do? Besides, theres nothing wrong with men taking responsibility for the family, is there? I came to this family with nothingbarely a penny to my name. Born out of wedlock; youve no idea how shameful that was once. It may sound strange, but Im almost grateful she left me
Mum
The orphanage became my homemy only home, but a good one. Warm, welcoming, thanks to the staff. They didnt coddle us orphans; they prepared us for life, and they loved us, even if they wouldnt show it openly. Not quite like ones own children, but they worried for us. And thats what love is, I think. If youre not afraid for someone, you simply dont love them enough.
You worry about me?
All the time! More than you can imagine. Your father didnt understandhe was raised differently.
In what way?
He was taught to stand firm, to make his own choices, and bear the consequencessuch was their family custom. They had tough lives: your grandfather lost his mother at seven, your father at six, both raised by grandmothers. Odd, isnt it? Both attended military college, but your father refused to finish. He wanted to be a doctor, and managed to win his way. For his father, that settled ita mans own decision. Even if he was just an adolescent, it was his choice.
And he became a doctor
An excellent one! And you know it!
How did you meet?
By chance, walking through the heart of the city with my friends when a heel snapped off my only decent pair of shoes. I burst into tearsthey werent even mine.
What do you mean?
We had six in the hostel dormitory, three decent pairs of shoes between us. Wed put aside a bit from our stipends and bought shoes according to size; the largest feet first, since its easier to fit smaller shoes by stuffing wool in the toe. Imagine the catastrophe of losing even one pair in such circumstances! So your father was my heronot only did he dash off to get the shoe repaired, he walked me home afterward. Brave man
Brave?
Well, where I lived, life could be complicated. Locals resented outsiders. There could be a punch-up. But your father managed to win them over! Within minutes, they were shaking hands. I never understood how he did it; he got on with anyone.
And your grandfather? Did he accept you?
My, such grown-up questions! Not at once, no. He watched me, though he never objected when your father brought me home and took my hand before him. All he said was, Your choice. That was that. But afterwards, he watched me attentivelyfor years, until you were born. Your father was working all hours at the hospital, and I was alonenot knowing the first thing about babies! The nurses at the maternity home had taught me what they could, books provided the rest, but it was rough. No housekeepers for us; your grandfather and father could do anything about the house, but time was scarce. Luckily, Id learned self-sufficiency in the orphanage. But with babiesno idea at all. You were such a crier; now I understand it was likely because I didnt have enough milk. I was constantly exhausted. Meals, cleaning, the baby it seemed endless. Your father was no helphe dreamed of nothing more than a pillow after his shifts.
How did you cope?
Grandfather helped. He travelled constantly on business, so we never knew when hed turn up. But there was a time he was home for several days and, late one night, when I was stumbling around with you crying, utterly at a loss, he took you gently from my arms and said, Go to bed, girl. Ill manage here. And I just noddedsat in a chair and fell instantly asleep. He later said he tried to wake me to go to bed, but couldnt. I slept until morning. When I awoke, my first fear was: where had you gone?
But he managed you better than I ever could, spinning you deftly about, swaddling you perfectlylike the nurses at the home. I was ashamed; a man could do it when I couldnt. But your grandfather was both capable and wise; he understood. From then on, he called me Mollieno longer Mary, and not Mrs. Bywater either.
Once he called you Mollie?
It was a mark of being truly accepted into the family at last. Hed call me daughter, and I could nearly have fainted with joy. You see, I never had a fathernow I finally did. But what meant the most was the way he loved you. I always worried about not bearing a sonthinking Id failed somehow. But he rejoiced in having a granddaughter. Do you remember the photograph of him tying your hair ribbon? I took that, chuckling, fumbling with the camera. There was Grandfathera serious man, whod lived on a knifes edge most of his life, threading a ribbon I owe him so much. He taught me what makes a real family
He slipped away too soon. Odd to say, but perhaps it was for the best. Times changed, but he never did. George Edmund Bywater was an officera true one. For him, words like honour, conscience and homeland meant everything. When other values began to prevail, he never would have fit in. Perhaps thats why he didnt fight his illness; he let it win…
When Marys mother died, Eleanor was only ten. Mary refused to let despair claim her. Now Eleanor had no one but her, and there was no time even for grief.
She kept up relations with Bella all those years. Though not quite close friends, they exchanged news of their children and watched each others lives from a distance. Why distant? Bella married and moved to the countryside; her husband had a large house and studio. Her son, too, became an artist. This was why Bella insisted Eleanor shouldnt look for someone outside their circle.
Talented people should stick together! Why squander potential on mediocrity? Who knows their background, what will come of it? I want healthy, gifted grandchildren! Mary, surely you agree?
Mary stayed silent. She never shared her familys story with Bella. Old habits from Grandfathers day: The less they know of you, the better!
She never wanted Charles as a son-in-law. She didnt say so to Bella; what was the point? Bella would never understand her reasons.
Mary was certain Eleanor and Charles would never suit. He, always given everything by his parents, never feeling the need to prove himself; and Eleanor, whose favourite story was the one about the two frogsshe too kept kicking her way to the top, searching for her place in the sun, fully aware of what her mother and grandmother had endured. Eleanors father died soon after her birth, the fair-haired, smiling man in the old photograph her only connection, recalled only by family stories. Again and again, shed heard:
Your father would be so proud of you!
No praise ever meant more.
She also knew her mother would always support her, whatever came; so she always weighed her choices carefully, knowing she would not walk her path alone.
The one thing Eleanor never anticipated was falling for Charleswho had always seemed only a friend. She couldnt have said when it happened, only that at some point, she simply wanted to see him every day.
Charles was easy, irrepressibly bright. He would grab her hand and only let go when she promised to join him for a weekend in Cornwall. To go skiing Eleanor had never learned, but Charles bought her ski gear, joked, teased her:
You can do anything!
Why was this so important to her? She was never short of encouragement. Her grandmother had showered her with praise, her mother too. But somehow, it was never enough.
Her first trip to the mountains she almost enjoyedthe company was cheerful, Charles flirted with other girls but made it plain Eleanor was his. She disliked only the skiing; she had no knack for it and even on easy slopes, she was frightened.
Charles didnt understand. He joked, cajoled, then sulked when Eleanor refused.
Why come then?
Because youre here, Eleanor said tearfully.
Ah well, all right then.
At the end of the trip, Charles proposed, in grand style. The party toasted them, shouting and drinking champagne. Eleanor accepted, then later wept over the ringa beautiful, costly thing; Bella had seen to that.
The wedding was beautifully arranged too, with nothing left for Eleanor and Mary but to choose a dress and tidy Grandfathers old flat, where the newlyweds would live.
Trouble surfaced a year after the wedding. Eleanor sang, Charles painted, but Bella wouldnt let it stand.
Its time for Eleanor to have a child! Why wait until were too old to help? While we have strength, well mind the grandchildren. Let them pursue their artbut dont put off life.
Mary had no answer. She knew Eleanor wanted children; the trouble was, Charles emphatically did not.
Dont tell Mum! No need for her to fret. Shes obsessed with grandchildren but the thought of kids trashing my studio and robbing all my timeno thanks! Mum didnt raise me handsome for nothing! I want to live, not squander myself on such nonsense!
It wounded Eleanor. She tried to talk with her husband, but soon realised this wasnt just a passing whim.
I want to achieve something, Eleanor! I want to be great! And youwhat, youd drag me down before Ive even climbed Olympus? Dearest, dont try to change me! You above all should understand! For us, art is everything! Mum was clever to choose you for me, wasnt she?
Eleanor had nothing to say about Bellas wisdom. Shed already limited encounters with her mother-in-law, foreseeing it would never end well.
Eleanor! I simply dont understand! All you think about are your arias! Is there nothing womanly in you? How can you just live this way?!
Eleanor had no reply; she could never force Charles to confess to his mother that in his vision, marriage meant two people leading separate lives. Nor could she lower herself to explain that the lack of children was not her fault.
Mary! Do talk to your daughter! She must take care of her health! How much longer must we wait!?
It was then a disastrous trip to the mountains changed everything. Charles was irritable and dissatisfied. When Eleanor, as always, protested she wouldnt ski, he lost his temper, demanding she try.
To keep the peace, Eleanor gave in, regretting it immediately.
Why an instructor? Ill teach you! Why so timid? This isnt your first time!
Why didnt Eleanor refuse? Why choose an unhappy peace over open quarrel?
She awoke in hospital. Her mother at her side, eyes red from crying.
Mum
Hush, Eleanordont try to talk! Everything will be all right! Im here.
And Charles?
Mary turned away, unable to tell her daughter that Charles had returned to London, shrugging at questions:
What do you want from me? Im not a doctor, and I need to prepare for an exhibition. This is all so inconvenient!
Eleanor only learned the rest later, after Mary had moved her to her own clinic and made it her mission to nurse Eleanor back to health.
The doctors gave little hope, but Mary refused to accept it. She looked each day at old family photos and whispered, I wont give up! You didnt teach me to quit. She has no one but me… I wont let her be broken, not ever.
She spoke to her son-in-law several times.
Please, I beg you! Shes your wifeyou love her!
I did. But now? What can I do? Sit by her side? To what end? Were finished. Shell never forgive me, and I dont want to live with guilt. Whats the point? I have one life, and thats it.
How can you be so cold, Charles?
Why shouldnt I be? It makes sense, even if you dont want to admit it.
So Mary let her hope of saving their marriage drop and focused solely on making Eleanor well again.
It took immense effort and time, but at last Eleanor began, astonishing the doctors, both to stand and to walkhaltingly, painfully, but determined. Each day she looked her mother in the eyes and took another step.
Thats it, my clever girl! You can do anything. Your father would be so proud!
Eleanor would never sing again; her voice was gone. Whether from the operations or those hours lying injured, shouting for helpshe couldnt remember those screams, but one of the mountain staff searching the slope had found her thanks to them. Her husband never even noticed her absence. When Mary tried to explain away his absence, Eleanor only placed her hands over her mothers:
You dont have to, Mum. I understood long ago. No one wants a doll with broken legs … Not even Kate
Youll not be Kate! I forbid it! Mary cried so vehemently that the nurse hurried in. Forgive me. I didnt mean to
No need. Eleanor, do you need anything?
No, thank you. All is welland will be again. Isnt that so, Mum?
Absolutely, love.
And so, some years later, in Regents Park, a pretty young womanwalking with a slight limpwould fetch her small son from his pram and command, Off you go, old chap! Mind theres so much to see, but not too fastMummy cant keep up just yet. Give me your hand.
And the little boy would trot beside her, before breaking into a runarms wideat the sight of his grandmother hurrying to greet them.
My darlings! How Ive missed you both!
Eleanor would embrace her mother.
How was your trip? A rest?
Yes, wonderful! You wont believe whom I ran intoBella.
And how is she?
Full of sorrowsnothing as she wants it, Charles still a bachelor, shes ageing, holding out for grandchildren she may never see.
And you?
I said nothing, Eleanor. She can rest easyI didnt tell her youre married nor that Ill soon have a second grandchild. I almost pitied her.
As do I People can be strange, cant they, Mum?
Were all different, love. But lets not dwell on gloom! Now, whos this handsome young man? Show Granny your new tooth! GoodnessEleanor, are you sure hes got the right number, not too many?
Oh, Mum, youll wear me out! Hes perfect.
Eleanor would guide her mothers hand to her own stomach and smile, Shall I tell you a secret?
A good one?
The best! Youre to have not one, but two grandchildren before long. Hows that?
Oh!
Not pleased?
Oh, sweetheart, forgive me! Im only surprised more happy than youll ever know. Tell me, can there be such a thing as too much happiness?
I dont know. I only know we deserve every bit of it. Especially you, Mum
Mmm?
Im not Kate, am I?
Of course you arent. I promised you, didnt I?Mary answered softly, Nonever, Eleanor. Youre not the doll left forgotten in the trunk, no matter whats happened. Youre my girlthe bravest, brightest soul I know. You always will be.
Eleanor laughed, a rich, full soundall the more precious now for its rarity. Then promise me youll tell my children that story, someday. About Kate, and Lizzie, and how even a battered old doll might be the one you love most in the end.
Mary squeezed her hand and pressed a kiss to her brow. I promise, my lovewith all my heart.
Side by side on the sun-dappled bench, the two women watched the little boy weaving between daisies, sunlight glinting on his hair. A breeze rustled in the budding trees, carrying laughter and the distant harmonies of a chorus in the park. Life, Mary thought, could be fractured and patched, scarred and uncertainbut it could also blossom, bright and whole, in the most unexpected seasons.
Look, Mum! Eleanor called as her son picked a daisy and toddled back, beaming. Hes bringing you a present. Another for our collection.
As the child pressed the crumpled bloom into her palm, Mary smiled through happy tears. She remembered all the lost and broken things shed gathered over yearsa doll without lashes, an unsteady hope, the memory of a fathers gentle handsand finally understood: nothing was truly discarded, not if you cherished it with love.
Tomorrow would come, sometimes kind, sometimes cruel, but Mary no longer feared it. She had her daughters hand in hers, her grandsons sturdy armsher family, mended and shining, imperfect but strong.
They watched the little boy run ahead, a constellation of petals trailing from his fist, and Mary leaned close, her voice steady and sure.
We have everything we need, dont we?
And Eleanor, her heart full, whispered, Yes, Mum. We always did.
