The Big Split
Jack and Emily Redford managed to stay married for exactly four years. But no matter how hard they tried to pretend theirs was an everlasting love, they just couldnt put down roots in the garden of wedded bliss. Divorce was looming on the horizon.
So, youre just going to get divorced like that? Just split up and move on? Emilys mate Sarah asked, as Emily dragged her out for a stress-eating session with round, cheesy Italian sarnies.
Yeah. What else can we do? We’ve talked it all through. This is honestly the best option for both of us
Im not talking about the actual divorce, Sarah interrupted, I mean, surely you lot should do it properly! Go out with a bang and celebrate your newfound freedom, you know? Put a full stop on it.
Im barely holding it together these days, Sarah. No need to rub salt in the wound, Emily snapped back, taking consolation in a pineapple pizza which she quickly swapped for seafood.
Im not digging at you, love, Im talking about the divorce itself, of course! You threw a massive wedding Im still paying off my credit card for that cake of yours. So why not have a real send-off for the divorce? Rent out a restaurant, turn up in a limo, make a big ceremony of it Do something dramatic, burn bridges, and have a knees-up? Id be up for that!
Are you even allowed to do that?
More like, you absolutely should!
I dont exactly have loads of cash lying around. Were about to split our stuff, and it feels like well be fighting over pillowcases and duvet covers soon.
I know someone! My friend Kate will sort the whole thing for a sack of potatoes. The rest youll get back in presents. But before all that, lets plan your hen do. Homey, wholesome, and the perfect way to say goodbye to the married life.
So, basically, well arrange to meet up, and in the end, nobody turns up because everyones got kids and husbands to juggle?
Perfect scenario if you ask me!
Next day, Emily and Sarah rocked up to Kates office turns out, thats her dishing up at a crepe stand in the shopping centre, multitasking between taking orders and planning events.
Can you help us out? Sarah explained what they had in mind.
Easiest job Ive had! Right, I can picture it the bride in a dramatic, black mourning dress, vowing never again. The groom in his embarrassing tracksuit bottoms he can now wear all day, finally getting to say no to it all. The whole lot of us popping off to Cash Converters and selling the wedding bands in a big, loud crowd bit of a sing-song, chants of Dry!, Sweet!, Medium! you know, Ill work out the rest, Kate said dreamily, then yelled at the top of her lungs, Order sixty-four, ready!
Jack, oddly enough, loved the idea, but their parents were mortified.
You and your newfangled ways In our day, you divorced in silence and loathed each other quietly for the rest of your lives, both sides grumbled. And dont think were giving you a penny for all this nonsense!
A week later, it was all in place. As per Kates plan, the event began with Jack being ransomed out of the flat via a series of challenges: games, forfeits, everyone singing at him or coughing up a quid just to get him gone quickly. Since they lived on the twelfth floor, he was allowed to take the lift his belongings and best man squashed in there with him.
Kates cousin Mark is a copper, so he sorted them a photographer who snapped every detail as if documenting a crime scene. By the end, nine mates had records taken.
All right, off to the registry office! Kate declared when everyone finally tumbled downstairs.
According to tradition, Jack and Emily drove to the office together so they could leave separately afterwards, while everyone else got bus passes, spare change for the fare, and piled into the photographers car for games fake fingerprints, mock interrogations, you name it. As they rolled up to the registry office, the whole lot erupted in song to Queens I Want To Break Free.
After the forms were stamped and the unit was officially closed, everyone spilled onto the street. Kate whipped out a mammoth cage and suggested catching a couple of pigeons for release. Everyone was singing, joking, congratulating the newly-divorced. The blokes clapped Jack on the back and toasted to years of blissful separation, while their wives had a word with them or joined in catching the confetti bouquet which was actually a wad of council tax and energy bills.
Blimey, these lot are really going for it! Mustve been planning this for ages, someone muttered from a nearby wedding party.
Nah, someone else explained, theyre getting divorced.
Seeing how liberated the Redfords seemed, a fair few couples apparently delayed their own ceremonies that day.
Once theyd ceremonially chucked the padlock off the bridge and pawned the rings to help cover the reception, the whole crew headed to a local cafe. The ritual band was already on standby, lunch was sarnies and pancakes with lemon and sugar. Their old friend Kates crepe stall sponsored the celebration, so naturally, even the cake was made of layers of crepes.
This is more like a wake than a party Emily sighed, glancing round the oddly festive gloom.
Well, we are seeing off the remains of marital bliss, quipped the master of ceremonies-slash-cashier, inviting the no-longer-young couple to their last dance.
Chopin played as they swirled around the centre of the room.
You know, this isnt half-bad, Emily admitted as they danced.
Agreed, said Jack. Ive never seen our families get on this well before, have you?
Emily spotted her dad and Jacks dad hugging like best mates, murmuring some tune and looking properly teary, even though theyd always been enemies.
The table heaved with gifts: single-bed bedding sets, concert tickets, dumbbells, Me, Myself & I cutlery, vouchers for yoga and the gym and even one for a pole dancing class. At the end, they handed the now-divorced pair keys to rooms in different hotels, discount cards to the Creperie Number 8, and a mock pass for two lifts in the police car.
There was a firework display, leftover birthday cake on special, and soon enough, the guests all drifted home to their partners and little ones. As for the Redfords, they set off on their own new journeys.
Three weeks later, the photo album was ready. Jack dropped by Emilys to collect his old nail clippers.
These came out quite well, Emily said as they flicked through the black and white shots beaming faces frozen in comedic crime-scene poses.
Yeah, not too shabby, Jack grinned, then joked, Are you going to change your surname?
Nah. Im used to it. Besides, Thistleton doesnt exactly sound any sweeter.
True, Jack chuckled. Right, Id best be off?
Yeah Wait! Dont go yet.
Jack paused, raising an eyebrow.
Fancy grabbing a crepe? Our vouchers are about to expire would be a shame to waste them
Would be, Jack nodded. Hey, you know, the crepes a symbol of starting afresh. Maybe its a sign. Looks like weve got ourselves a date, then?
Do you reckon do you reckon it isnt a mistake, after such a public split? I heard they even did a piece about us on the local news
I dunno. Who could blame us? Were free people now, we can go out with anyone, anytime. Oh! By the way, the best man and maid of honour are splitting up too. Theyve invited us along. Want to go together?
Ill think about it, Emily smiled. Ive got a single-bed sheet set from them anyway at least I know what to bring as a present.Jack laughed, and for the first time in months, Emily found herself joining in, really joining inno weight, no what-ifs, just the simple sweetness of it. They took their battered crepe vouchers and strolled together down to the shopping centre where Kate was flipping pancakes with two spatulas and a flourish. She winked when she saw them, passed them steaming plates, and gave a flamboyant little bow.
As they ate, the bustle of life rushed around them, but inside the small bubble of sugary lemon and warm laughter, time slowed. Jack wiped a dob of jam from Emilys chin without thinking. She nudged him, light as air.
Not exactly how I pictured happily ever after, she said, glancing at the half-smudged police wanted poster that still hung in the cafe window, their faces at the centre, the word FREED scribbled underneath.
Nah, Jack agreed, but better than faking it. Look at us nowdivorced and delighted. The only ones not shackled to each other… but maybe, for once, not chained to the past either.
Emily nodded, surveying the busy crowd, and felt something loosen in her chest: the world was wide again. Maybe, just maybe, split wasnt so bada pair of halves finally able to meet as equals.
As they stood to leave, Jack grinned and opened the door with a flourish, the bell above jangling bright. Who knows, Emmaybe one day well be guests at our own divorces again. Bet wed throw an even better party.
Or, Emily grinned back, reaching for her coat, well both be somewhere new, with someone new, and this will just be one of those stories other people can hardly believe.
They disappeared into the laughter of the shopping crowds, two single tickets at last, finally off to wherever they wantedjoyfully, spectacularly, separately free.
