Sit still! Were not at home, Peter said calmly.
But someones ringing! Alice froze in place, halfway out of her seat.
Let them ring, Peter replied.
What if its someone importantor on business? Alice whispered.
Its Saturday, noon. You havent invited anyone over, and neither have I. Conclusion? Peter said, keeping his voice level.
Ill just have a quick peek through the spyhole, Alice murmured.
Sit down! Peters tone was steely. Were not in. Whoever it is, let them plod back where theyve come from.
Do you even know whos at the door? Alice said.
Ive got a fair idea, which is why Im telling you to sit down and not to be seen flickering past the window.
If its who I think it is, they wont leave that easily! Alice shrugged.
That depends entirely on how long we refuse to answer the door, Peter replied, unperturbed. Sooner or later, theyll leave. Theyre hardly going to camp overnight in the doorway, are they? And weve nowhere to be; were fine here. So sit, pop on your headphones and watch a film.
Pete, its Mum calling, Alice whispered, showing him the screen of her phone.
Well, that means your aunts likely at the doorwith her daft son in tow, Peter concluded.
How could you possibly know that? Alice asked, surprised.
If it were my cousin Peter twisted the word in his mouth with distaste, it would be my mother ringing.
Any other possibilities? Alice pressed.
If its the neighbours, Ive no interest in a chinwag. If friends came by, theyd have rung twice and leftor, being civilised folk, would have called ahead to ask if a visit was convenient, not hammered at the door for half an hour! No, persistently hammering that bell could only be done by pushy relatives!
Pete, it actually is my aunt. Mum just texted. She wants to know where on earth weve got to. Auntie Judith is planning to stay with us a few daysshes business in town.
Text back and say the citys brimming with hotels, Peter smiled wryly.
Peter! Alice said reproachfully. I could never say such a thing!
I know, Peter said thoughtfully. Write and say were not at home, that were lodging in a hotel ourselves. Say we had to fumigate for cockroaches or something.
Brilliant! Alice quickly tapped out the message and sent it.
Now Mum says were to put Auntie in two rooms: one for her, and one for Tom, Alice said in disbelief.
Say weve got no money. Better yet, say weve managed two bunks in a hostel, sharing with fifteen migrant workers. Peter grinned at his cleverness.
Mums asking when well be back, Alice looked at her husband.
Say a week, Peter waved his hand dismissively.
The ringing stopped, and the couple both sighed in relief.
Peter, now Mum says Aunt Judith will come in a week, Alice reported, her voice dropping.
Well be out again, Peter said matter-of-factly.
Peter, you know thats not really solving anything? We cant dodge them forever. What if they come during the week? Or wait for us after work? Both my aunt and your cousin are more than capable!
Peters face clouded. Yes, I know. What fools we were to buy that big flat?
But Pete, we bought it for the family wed hoped for one day, Alice said softly.
We need to have a childbetter yet, two! Peter said seriously.
As if Im against it? Alice replied hotly. You know full well were supposed to get some tests doneit just isnt happening!
We need a bit of harmonytake away the never-ending stress, and everything might come right. Our relatives are taking turns winding us upfirst yours, then mine. No wonder things get nowhere.
Alice didnt argue. She knew Peter was right.
***
When theyd been planning to marry, they had both had (at great expense) every possible medical check-up. Fertility, health, genetic concernsall came up roses. But straight after the wedding theyd had to shelve the baby question to save enough for a place of their own.
Inheriting was pointless. Until marriage, both Peter and Alice had lived with their mums in one-bedroom flats. Everything they had, theyd earned on their own.
Five years of steady graft and careful saving finally put a spacious flat within reach. It was a resale, not new, so theyd invested in repairs and started afresh with nearly all their furniture. But what happiness it brought!
In Peters head, the tune from that old musical Suburbia repeated like a refrain.
Theyd barely celebrated moving in before Aunt Judith appeared at their doorbringing her son. To make sure the young couple wouldnt object, she came chaperoned by Alices mother.
Well, youve no shortage of space here, Aunt Judith declared. Not like when we had to squeeze in with Alice in one small room!
Very handy, Aunt Judith nodded approvingly. Just the thingwell settle Tom in one room and me in another.
No one sleeps in the lounge, Peter protested. That rooms for relaxing in.
Im not planning to work in it! Aunt Judith laughed. Alice, do tell your husband its no use splitting Tom and mehe snores terribly! Really, with guests in the house, the least you could do is set the table for supper.
But we werent expecting anyone, Alice admitted sheepishly.
And the fridge is empty, Peter backed her up.
Well, if needs must, Aunt Judith deigned. Peter, run to the shops please. Alice, darling, off you go to the kitchen!
Well, dont just stand there! Alices mother barked. Is this any way to treat guests?
Peter, about to explode, was dragged away by Alice before he could finish his retort.
Once safe in the next room, he pulled her hand from his mouth. Alice, is everyone quite sure of whats going on? Ill chuck them out along with your mother if I have to! If youre visiting as a guest, act like one! This is a joke!
Peter, dear, shes a simple soulfrom a village. This is how they do things, Alice pleaded.
Ive known plenty from the countryrudeness is not custom anywhere! This is just bad manners.
Love, please, lets not fall out with Mum or my aunt. Theyll just drive me to distraction afterwards! And youll be the villain of the piece. Do you want that?
Frankly, I dont care what they think. If theyre so rude, Ill happily not notice them ever again! I wouldnt shed a tear if they disappeared for good!
Please, Pete! For my sake. If we boot Aunt Judith out now, Mum will never forgive meand shes all Ive got. No one else!
That did the trick. Peter gritted his teeth and went off to the shops.
Aunt Judith ended up staying a fortnight rather than three days, and Peter was on valerian root tea by the second night.
When they finally waved Aunt Judith and Tom off, Peter and Alice celebratedwith a mop and broom. Three days it took to clean the flat.
Then they had a repeat performance from Peters side.
Brother, Im here for just a bit! David bear-hugged Peter till his bones creaked. Got business in town and then were off again.
Cant you sort things by yourself? Peter asked.
What are you on about? Ive got a familycant leave them back in the village! Use your brains, mate! What if I end up on the razzle? The wife needs to keep me on a short leash!
So thats why youve dragged the kids as well? Peter asked.
Who would I leave them with? David clapped him on the back. They love a bit of fun! Come on, lets liven this place up just like we did as lads!
David! his wife Margaret shrilled. If you liven things up, Ill shake you so therell be nothing left to shake!
An hour and a half after Davids family descended, Alice had a splitting headache.
The children tore round screaming ceaselessly. Margaret screeched so often she seemed unable to communicate any other way. David just wanted to go out and paint the town, which made Margaret screech all the more.
Pete, youre your mothers only son, right? Alice muttered, head buried in a cushion.
Hes just a cousinon my mothers side, Peter grumbled. I call him cousin.
I dont care what you call himcant you ask him to leave?
Honestly, Id love to, Peter put his hand to his chest. But if I did, its the same as with your aunt. My mother would have my guts for garters!
Barely had the memory of one visit faded when fresh guests landed on the doorstepAunt Judith and Tom, ever inventing reasons to be in town. Cousin David and his brood regularly popped in to take care of business. Even the mums werent shy, each nagging the others childone henpecking the son-in-law, the other the daughter-in-law. The never-ending turmoil wore holes in the couples nerves and peace of mind.
With such a constant carousel of visitors, talk of children was a far-off dream. Even if health was on their sidewell, how?
***
Lets swap flats? Alice suggested one evening.
For a padded cell? Peter replied, grinning. Well end up in one at this rate!
No, Alice smiled faintly. Lets just exchange our place for one in another neighbourhood. There must be people out there wanting to move over this way. Well go somewhere else and tell no one where weve gone!
Its only a delay, Peter smirked. Your aunt and my cousin will track down the new owners, find out where we are, and then crucify us for pulling the rug from under them!
Maybe well have time towellstart a family? Alice said hopefully.
We need not just to conceive, but to have the baby, too! Even then, your family wont let up. Pregnancy wont stop them.
I almost want to move out altogether, Alice said sadly. Maybe we could stay with friends for cover. Just to hide away!
You mean Jack and Kate? Peter suggested.
Yes, nodded Alice. Theyve got a spare room.
That room belongs to Tara.
Id rather live with a German Shepherd than with our relatives, Alice sighed, exhausted.
Wait! Peter exclaimed and grabbed his phone. Jack, any chance we could borrow the dog?
My friend! Jack almost shouted into the phone. Youre a life saver! Kate and I want a holiday and have nowhere for Tarashe hates strangers but she knows and respects you! Ill bring her food, bedding, toys, bowlsand Ill pay you too!
Bring her over! Peter replied, delighted.
Turning to his wife, brighter than the morning sun, he said, Ring your mumtell her Aunt Judith can come tomorrow! Ill tell David hes welcome this week too!
Are you sure? Alice asked.
Were all hospitality! Peter said sweetly. Shame they wont like our pet.
It took only one big woof for David and family to run for the refuge of a comfy hotel.
Lock that beast away! Margaret shrieked, hiding behind her delicate son.
Aunt Judith, you must be joking! Peter smiled. Forty-five kilos of pure muscle! Tara isnt a lapdogshell go through any door.
Whys she baring her teeth at me? Aunt Judiths voice wobbled.
She doesnt like strangers, Alice said, matter-of-fact.
Get rid of her! I cant stay with that animal in the house! Aunt Judith protested.
Get rid of her? Shes our petpart of the family! With no children to love, weve poured our hearts into her, Peter said, indignantly.
And well never give her up, Alice added.
Soon, both mums rang, asking why their kith and kin were turned away.
No one sent them packing, the couple replied, they just didnt want to stay! But tell them to comeany time! Theyre most welcome!
And what about the dog?
Mum, we turn no one away, surely?
Funny enough, the mums didnt visit so often either after that.
A month later, Tara went home to her ownersbut was ready to return at a moments notice.
It wasnt needed. Alice was expecting twins.
The main thing, after all, is never to say no.
