Stepdaughter
When Marina and I first met and fell for one another, Ellie was just six years old. Shed grown up without a father and craved love so much that we had no trouble bonding right from the start. We lived in perfect harmony, at least until the storm of adolescence arrived.
Youre not my dad! Ellie shouted at me one day.
Not her dad? Who, then, all these years, listened to her schoolyard woes and defended her at parents evenings? Who tucked away the last biscuits in the house to give her when she was feeling blue? Who kept quiet about the time she pilfered a doll from mischievous Sarah next door? And who, pray tell, crept across neighbouring gardens under the cover of darkness to plant the doll back in the hedges, pretending it had been there all along? And, if memory serves, wed promised long ago to stand by our words. If shed called me Dad since she could talk, what made me suddenly not her father?
Hearing that from my stepdaughter, whom Id always seen as my own, pierced my heart, but I couldnt allow myself to show it. Firstly, because Im a man, and secondly, because being upset at Ellie wouldnt solve our troublesit would only make things worse.
Fair enough, I saluted, touching my forehead soldier-style for effect. Shall we talk about our new arrangement, then? The rights and duties of the not-dad and not-daughter, as it were.
My heart was bleeding as I said it, but I felt it was right. She needed some spaceto choose for herself, within certain boundaries set by her. Yet even now, Ellie surprised me.
I dont want to, she grumbled, slamming her bedroom door in my face. Shed never done that, even as a child. Shed always been clear about what she wanted, and wed discuss whether it was possible or not. For instance, when shed wanted to fly by jumping off the garden shed, Id sat her down with detailed explanations and internet photos of the likely outcome. Or, when she was seven, and informed us shed marry Anthony Stevens from Year One and move in with him, I agreedsaid that when the law allowed, Id personally carry her things round to his house. Unsurprisingly, she changed her mind a month later.
Wed always discussed even her most outlandish requests sensibly, but now it was just I dont want to and not my dad. Even her refusal of porridge used to come with an explanation.
Its not nice, shed say.
Why?
Theres not enough sugar and theres a skin on the top.
Perfectly reasonable! Either cook her another bowl or let her have the pastry she so obviously wanted (which, if you believe the adverts, has even more powdered milk in it anyway).
I linger now and then by her closed door, studying the wood grain, hoping for answers that never arrive, and leave, shaking my head. Well see how things turn out.
Marina was unruffled by Ellies changes. She said, at Ellies age, shed acted so badly her father would have been thrilled to see the back of her, anywhere so long as it was out of his hair. According to her, all would settle down once the hormones finished their dance. Truthfully, though, I was starting to miss my Ellie. I had no one to watch evening football with, or giggle with about Marinas friend Zoe, who changed her hair colour more often than the British weather.
Eventually, Ellie began to come out of her shell from time to time, though she was often even pricklier than before, so it was best to keep my distance unless the air was clear. Only she understood the rhythms of these moods, perhaps the reasons, too. Still, whenever she was her old self, I felt overjoyed.
Girls, fancy a trip out this weekend? The forecasts set fair. Well take the rods and tents.
Oh yes, Ellie, shall we? Marina beamed.
Im not going anywhere with you two. Haul your own rods about, you wannabe anglers! Then the door slammed, and Marina and I just stared at each other in surprise. Barely a minute earlier shed seemed in a perfectly good mood.
Guess shes off fishing now, too, I shrugged.
And then, one evening, Ellie disappeared. She didnt come home from school and wouldnt answer her phone. We rang all her friends. I couldnt just sit around, so I started searching. I went first to Dennis, whod been a sort of friend of Ellies, though I hadnt seen much of him recently.
I dont know where she is, he muttered.
Any ideas at all?
Ever since she called me boring, we dont talk much.
Well, she just called me not her dad but here I am anyway. Call it old loyalty.
As I turned to go, Dennis stopped me.
Wait. Maybe shes with Nicholas.
And he is?
In her year, not exactly a model citizen. You might not like what you find.
All the more reason! Come on, show me where Nicholas lives.
Im not going.
Dennis, sometimes people need help, whether they admit it or not. I thought you were strong enough not to be put off by being called boring.
Fine, he sighed, following me.
We arrived at a shabby row of lock-ups. The music was thumping. Stay here if youre nervous, I offered Dennis.
Im not scared of anything, he insisted.
A few lads and a girl were hanging around. No sign of Ellie. I stepped closer and called over the music, Im looking for Ellie, is she here?
You the search party, then? one lad quipped, deadpan.
And there she wasEllie, glaring at me from the open doors.
What are you doing here? she nearly yelled.
Come to bring you home.
I know the way myself.
Maybe you do, but Id rather not pick you up from a police cell. Come on, your taxi awaits, Your Highness.
Ellie snorted and climbed in, muttering at Dennis, Traitor.
After that, she started disappearing more often. I became a regular, stubbornly collecting her from those garages, enduring the jeers about her personal chauffeur. But one night, she flat-out refused to come.
What do you want from me? she screamed. Leave me alone! Im grown up! Ill do as I please!
You ought to take it up with Parliament, I said. Theres a clear section in the law about the rights and responsibilities of minors.
Oh, bog off! she said.
Im not going anywhere without you, not even to the place you suggest.
I wish youd never met my mum! I wish you didnt exist! she said, but slumped into the car anyway.
It was a punch to the stomachI couldn’t help tearing up on the drive home. Maybe it was time to just let her be. Who was I, reallya stranger, just her mothers husband? But how could I? I couldnt leave her to fall into some pit, with no hand nearby to help. Even if she hurled insults, I wouldnt give up.
Soon enough, her group just changed hangouts. The garages were closed up. No word of Ellie, not even from Dennis (though, under pressure, he revealed a few possible addresses, all fruitless). She took to returning when she wantedsometimes the middle of the night. I saw how worried Marina was; her calm was all an act. We both lay awake, straining for the sound of the front door at last.
And then, one sleepless night, my phone lit up.
Mr Williams, Dennis said anxiously, Ellie called me. Shes in some flat on Baker Street, wants out but cant get away.
Did she give you the building number?
No, just a description, but Im pretty sure I know it.
Right. Youre coming.
I glanced at Marina. Her lips trembledshed heard everything.
Dont worry. Ill sort it out. Stay here just in case. And make some pancakes, pleasenight drives make me hungry. Whatever you do, dont let your weary husband starve! Ill be back soon, be sensible please. I kissed her nose, tasting the salt of her tears.
I picked up Dennis and sped through the London night, ignoring the speed limit more than once. Suburbs were empty, but the West End was still buzzing, black cabs everywhere, tourists drifting down the middle of the road. I cursed as two blokes stepped in front of me, pints in hand, actually kicking my car and tossing a bottle after us (luckily missing).
Outside the right house, I told Dennis, Wait in the car. Make sure its here when we come backwho knows what creatures are lurking under the full moon tonight.
Dennis wanted to argue, but I stared him down. I wasnt about to worry about another teenager. I scanned the windows as I approachedmusic somewhere, silhouettes on balconies. Nothing obviously amiss, but I tried to work out which flat it might be.
Luckily, just as I reached the entrance Ellie described, a man came out and I slipped in. Nothing on the first two floors; people either ignored me or told me to get lost. On the thirdan elderly woman with insomnia, pounced on my story eagerly.
There are three dodgy flats here! she announced. All drug dens, I tell you!
Really? I smiled.
Seen it with my own eyes! Needles and all sorts, I have.
Even if she had exaggerated, it was still worrying.
Thank you, I said gratefully, armed now with the flat numbers.
The first was just an old drunkard, and his only guests were a battered young woman and a clever-looking spaniel sprawled under the table. The second was completely silent. I rang several times and moved on.
Climbing to the last flat, I could feel dread thumping in my chest. As I reached the landing, the door burst open and out came a girl so similar to Ellie I nearly faltereduntil I caught her glassy stare and the puppet-like twist of her mouth. I recoiled, then darted inside, dread rising. I pictured my Ellie, her eyes just as glassyand panicked.
Ellie! I bellowed, barely knowing what I was seeing. I stumbled past people and bottles, shouting her name. Then, through the din, I heard her voice.
Dad! Dad! she cried.
The voice came from behind the bathroom door. I yanked it open and there she was, alone in the bath, hiding.
She flung herself into my arms, sobbing. The police had arrivedthe old woman had phoned them, and a patrol was already on its way up the stairs.
Was your daughter being restrained? one officer asked.
Im just her stepdad, I explained.
He’s my dad! Ellie declared loudly.
Later, at home, we ate pancakes with thick creammaybe a little too salty, probably thanks to Marinas tearsbut theyd never tasted so good. I gave a talk to a daughter who, for once, wasnt snapping back at me. I explained that, try as she might to drive me from her life with a broomstick, I wouldnt budge, because I loved both her and her motherwithout them, life had no colour. I told her how life is a tough circus acthow juggling it is a skill we all learn by dropping things. And I rambled on with other nonsense, and the two of them just smiled at me, hands propping up their chins, my very own familyand nothing else in the world could matter more.
